To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

[IndependentMum]

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

Not sure I believe in anything religious or not but they clearly do ......yet don’t register how their god would most probably advise putting family first ?
I think YANBU and they are being selfish, it’s probably a case of out of sight out of mind and they just want to potter around and do as they please and ignore your hardship which as your parents is pretty heartless of them tbh

I think the point is that yes a weekly commitment is tying but with good will and planning on both sides holidays, illness etc can be covered - it's easier to sort out one-offs in a genuine emergency and there's a wider range of people you can ask for a couple of weeks, than to do an indefinite commitment.

Besides, we're talking about an 11 year old, not a 2 year old. 11 year olds can be quite useful round the house!

Family help in this instance could probably really mean the difference between make or break.

Op, this is do very sad. Your parents could make a huge difference with one measly afternoon a week.

If they claim to be Christians, they're hypocrites. I hope they don't need your help when they're old and frail.

And I'm sorry that so many smug posters think YABU. From their privileged position, they look down at single parents like yourself.

Sometimes there just isn't another option. I honestly don't know what's wrong with Mumsnet these days. They pile on making a shit situation worse. Please ignore them, you're doing a fantastic job, I hope your parents miraculously transform into decent human beings. Wish you lived near me, I'd gladly help.

You have so much on your plate - I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether.

It's such a shame that your parents won't look after your son one afternoon a week and I do think they are being unreasonable. As committed Christians, I do think that they should be a bit more selfless...especially as they know that you are struggling and need their support!

What about a childminder? One of our local childminders only takes children after school and another has an autistic son herself. It's worth looking into.

You have my extreme admiration - single parent and a paramedic...amazing!

You weren’t unreasonable to ask them, but equally they were not unreasonable to say 'no'

^ This

There are lots of us who don't get free childcare for various reasons.

Ask friends or pay for child care. It won't be for long in the grand scheme of things.

Or ask to reduce your hours at work. Your ExH has more responsibility than the GPs..

I also don't get people posting saying grandparents shouldn't help with looking after their grandchildren- if they are physically able to. As long as people don't take the p*s, which one of my siblings sometimes does. My DM helps me out for occasional childcare for work, only when I really need it and occasional babysitting. Now I try to help her out- DF is now disabled, help out with looking after him, driving them places, housework, gardening etc. It works both ways.

Have you told them how desperate you are, op? Perhaps they don't understand that things are so close to the bone for you?
Tell them what you've told us and hopefully they will be more understanding.

I really feel for you.
Of course none of us can expect or demand childcare, but it is pretty hard knowing that your parents are in a position to help, but just won't. It does seem very uncaring.

I'm lucky that both sets of grandparents help when they can, and wouldn't want to see us struggle. I like to think I will do the same if I'm ever an grandparent.

Do your parents fully realise the extent to which you're struggling? I mean I know you've asked and they've said no, but do they fully understand how hard you work and how you really don't have many or any other options?

Just to add my voice to the YANBU side - I can't conceive of not wanting to help my kids just because they are adults. And why does a regular commitment need to mean they can't do anything else? Surely, they'd be able to say, "oh we can't make it on the XXth, as we'll be on holiday, please can you make alternative arrangements"? That'd still leave the OP very much better off than at present. And to everyone saying, just pay, there are very very few options available after 6pm. I'm sorry I don't have any help to offer OP - but you really do sound like you deserve a break and it's a real shame your own family aren't willing to help you out...

Op sounds like you struggling. Have you spoken to your mum and told her how you feel. The way you wrote this means you get half Yanbu and yabu hence why you getting mixed responses. Yanbu to ask and hope your parents would help for just one afternoon and tbh in the real life most parents would. Yabu if you demanded it which you not. I think op you need to have a calm adult chat to your parents telling them you are struggling. I get the church thing and seen it before. Good luck xxx

It would be 3.15pm after school until 7-8 pm depending on what time I finish work. One regular Tuesday per week, It's not one afternoon to myself. I don't get any time to myself. It's so I can go to work and pay the mortgage and live basically

Are your parents physically healthy and strong?

Why have childminders given up? Is there something that makes your child hard for childminders - in terms of behaviour or care - that would also makes it hard for them, as older people, to look after him?

I suppose what I am asking is whether it is something they CANNOT do (or which is very difficult to do), or something that it is easy for them to do but they CHOOSE not to? It is not remotely unChristian to politely refuse to do something that you cannot do.

No grandparent owes their grandchild childcare. They owed their child care when they were a child, but not a grandchild. They owe a grandchild the relationship of a grandparent - an older, loving, involved and interested relative, but not necessarily regular childcare.

So it’s more of an early evening to late evening thing rather than an afternoons. Have you looked at childminders in the area or sitters service?

However, as said before, could they help financially - either directly to you, or for childcare from someone like sitters? My parents, who would be utterly unable to cope physically, because they are elderly, would give all they could in terms of financial support if it was needed.

YABU - my mum said she would help went I went back to work part time even told a friend of mine she would. When it came down to it I asked if she would help one morning a week for 3 hours on a trial basis. She said no outright didn’t even try it. Naturally I was a bit upset about it and my DH was fuming especially as she had basically brought up my niece who was 16 months older than my DS and still continued to do so. But hard as it was I respected her choice I knew she and my DS might lose out and hoped she might eventually realise the unfairness of the situation with regards to my sister and eventually she would maybe offer to have my DS over night occasionally or come round to ours and babysit for the evening occasionally but no she never did.

I see some GP’s absolutely shattered trying to look after the GC for extended periods whilst their entitled off spring bandy about that they love doing it.

Would they be willing to collect him from after school club at 6pm and take him home for dinner for when you pick him up? 2 hours once a week?

I think it is mean.

My mum looks after the children one afternoon a week, and comes at other times (emergencies, just for fun, shopping).

I don't think I could have had a career without her, because my husband worked away and I had to attend events and meetings occasionally.

Could you ask them to do a month for you while you ask about for more help?

One day they will both require a hell of a lot more care than a few hours one afternoon a week.

Sorry OP you would struggle with care after 6pm around here and you would have to pay through the nose for a kid sitter for those hours. Can you not speak to a manager or swap shifts with other colleagues?

are you near a university? if so, advertise for a student to do 1 day per week. if your child has autism, then there may be lots of psychology students who want to specifically do autism-childcare as CV building for careers in psychology.

"I see some GP’s absolutely shattered trying to look after the GC for extended periods"

Absolutely. And I have seen children getting into dangerous situations because they have been placed in the care of grandparents who are no longer physically able to look after them / supervise them well, hence my questions about the age / fitness of OP's parents.

Is there anyone at work who faces the same problem and might he able to help you out? Would an older teenager be able to cover for you, perhaps the son or daughter of someone you work with, or even the retired parents of someone you know who might want to earn some spare cash. What about an advert at the local college or university for someone studying childcare or social work. I massively feel for you, you do a bloody amazing job and you deserve some backup.

also, there can be schemes where the council will fund autism-befriending (ie a university student 1 day per week) as respite care. is that available in your area?

Maybe ask his school if they know of any parents or TA who would help out. I'd be happy to do one afternoon a week for someone struggling and needing childcare to work.

You can ask grandparents but they of course have the right to say no. Most I know that do care do so reluctantly as they have been forced or guilted into it and are shattered.

One day they will both require a hell of a lot more care than a few hours one afternoon a week.

Bu that is what children give their parents in return for what their parents did for them when they were children [if you see it in exchange terms, which I don't, but see that you could]. It isn't conditional on what they then also do for their grandchildren.