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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:

WitchesHatRim · 09/01/2018 22:14

Are your parents physically healthy and strong?

^ this has been asked a couple of times, along with their age, but OP hasn't answered.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/01/2018 22:15

I'm not a hater, nor am I smugly looking down on anyone, I do get how tough it is but it's not unreasonable for grandparents not to want to be tied to a weekly commitment - especially one where the best part of the evening is committed to weekly childcare. Offering childcare til up to 8.00pm is quite a tie, I'd not be thrilled to do it and I have two kids that keep me close to home in the evening.

Doobydoo · 09/01/2018 22:15

I think it is strange that they know what a massive difference it would make to you and your son and also re their religious stuff but they will not help you. I am sorry this has happened.No advice.But sorry it is so shit. And you do a fantastic job.

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 09/01/2018 22:16

I can understand how hurtful this must be OP and also how hard it can be juggling work and childcare.

My parents helped out my sisters enormously for many years, but when my children came along they wouldn't/couldn't help for various reasons. Not much help but lots of empathy.

Try to hang onto your job- you've worked hard for it against all odds.

WitchesHatRim · 09/01/2018 22:17

One day they will both require a hell of a lot more care than a few hours one afternoon a week.

Firstly that's a huge assumption.

Secondly tit for tat never ends well.

SMarie123 · 09/01/2018 22:17

It sounds like there is more history to this arrangement. What help have they given previously? Did they feel over stretched? Do they now provide no help at all?

A580Hojas · 09/01/2018 22:17

What childcare does your ex do?

Original poster

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 22:17

My parents are physically fit and strong. I had two childminders in the past, luckily who would help with my crazy hours, but they have given up the job because they didn't like the job, nothing to do with my son. My ex childminder helps out on a Tuesday morning very early and takes him to breakfast club at the school, but I have no one for the Tuesday afternoon. I have scoured through all the childminders in my area who do pick ups for my school and there are none available. I am in a position where I am already worried about the effect on my autistic son who goes to one woman in the morning, then to breakfast club, then to school.. then to someone else blah blah, I am seriously doing the best I can. I am doing the best for my son and have sacrificed my whole life to him. Shame on me for being a single mother, what is it with all the hatred?

OP posts:

OliviaMansfield · 09/01/2018 22:18

Advertise for a mothers help?

Missonihoni · 09/01/2018 22:18

Honestly why don't you just pay someone. You have dodged the question time and time again. There will be someone who will watch him.

WitchesHatRim · 09/01/2018 22:19

Do you think they struggle with him and that's the issue?

Original poster

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 22:19

The ex has him on a Friday and Saturday night every other week. Previously he was just doing a Saturday night every other week but I've already begged him (begrudgingly) that he needs to do more to help, so I am doing my nightshifts on the two nights he has him every other week. I'm only part time as it is

OP posts:

feral · 09/01/2018 22:19

OP where in the country are you?

Snowbelled · 09/01/2018 22:19

My friend is in a similar position but has three children one is autistic. She pays a lovely 17 year old to look after from school til around 9pm one day away. The girl heats up a meal for them. Could ypu ask sbout for a reliable babysitter? She pus them £7 per hour.

OliviaMansfield · 09/01/2018 22:20

Do you work every day? You say you never have any time to yourself so I'm making the assumption you do. It might be easier to find someone who can do every day v one day a wk and would be more settled for your ds too.

Original poster

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 22:20

I'm not dodging any questions, I would willingly pay someone. I have been on childcare.co.uk, asked mums at the school, offered to pay etc, I don't expect something for nothing, there simply isn't the help there available hence why I've posted the question in the first place

OP posts:

cantkeepawayforever · 09/01/2018 22:21

Is it showing 'hatred' to suggest that grandparents don't HAVE to provide childcare?

I can see that you can see hatred on this thread, and think it is directed to you as a single mum - but is that just how you see it, not how it is meant at all? I certainly have no 'hatred' for you as a single mum - far from it. However, I genuinely don't see that not feeling that grandparents must provide childcare = hatred.

checkingforballoons · 09/01/2018 22:24

Have you heard of childcare.co.uk? It might be well worth you popping an ad on there, explaining exactly what you need. It might work really well for a nanny or childminder needing to top up their hours.

TheXXFactor · 09/01/2018 22:24

Is it the regularity of the commitment that's putting them off? Maybe they don't want to be tied down to doing every Tuesday, but could do some of them, and you could pay a babysitter the rest of the time?

Could you ask them if they could commit to - say - 40 weeks per year? With annual leave, that would only leave you with about 6 weeks to find cover. Even if they would only commit to half the year, with annual leave, you would still only have to pay a babysitter for about 3 months of it.

greendale17 · 09/01/2018 22:24

My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

^YANBU. They know how much it would help you but they still won’t help? Unbelievable

epicclusterfuck · 09/01/2018 22:27

Would they have to drive to your house/school and drive home again? It might be night driving that they are reluctant to do. Sorry there doesn't seem to be an easy answer here, hope you find someone who can help.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/01/2018 22:27

What happens on your other days as presumably you work more than every Tuesday and alternative weekends?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/01/2018 22:27

Is your son difficult for another person to deal with, OP? Are there additional problems rather than people just not wanting to put themselves out?

Hissy · 09/01/2018 22:28

Op needs help, a tiny bit of help once a week. For 4 hours.

I think her parents- while within their rights to refuse - have let her and her ds down, really badly too.

They would do well to remember that one day they’ll need care and help themselves in their hour of need, and the op may not be overly keen to disrupt her routine

IndependentMum I believe the comment about your username wasn’t to upset you, it was to remind you who you are and how far you’ve come on your own

I know you’re exhausted, I don’t have half the workload you do, but am on my own and have a ds your ds age. It’s a slog!! We can’t give up! We have to keep on keeping on. You can do this!!

I think contacting the school, asking for help in school and by any other means in your area is a good idea, god if I lived near you I’d bloody offer, it’s only an evening out of a week!!

Snowysky20009 · 09/01/2018 22:28

OP have you thought about placing an ad on gumbtree for someone aged 18+ who could help? Someone in uni, 6th form may do it.
Me and a friend used to do it for children with disabilities when we were at school. Just a thought.

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