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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 09/01/2018 21:06

Why can't you just pay someone Confused to do it ?

You can't lose a well paid job over a few hours on one day a week !

MakeMisogynyAHateCrime · 09/01/2018 21:06

And sorry that came across a lot more harsh than I had anticipated. It is hard, really hard. Are there other positions you can take on for a period of time at work?

strangerhoes · 09/01/2018 21:07

Your kid is your responsibility.

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2018 21:07

They don't want to do it.
I've spent many years raising my kids. Being bound by holiday dates and school hours and running around to clubs. When they leave home I am buggered if I'm doing it all again.
It would be nice if they did but they don't want to do it. They don't owe you.

BigBaboonBum · 09/01/2018 21:09

Ehhhh, I’m going to go against the grain and say I find this weird... if my child was suffering I’d definitely help them out. If I was struggling I’d like to think my mum would help me out... she had my brothers kids most nights as it is, plus picks them up etc. because of work commitments plus my ex SIL is fully lazy-pants tbh Hmm . So even though she doesn’t have my kids, as I like them around me and work from home so honestly just no need... I feel like I have something there.

I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t want to take grandchildren if they have time to, it seems super weird to me... that said, my ex-OH’s mother has never looked after the kids despite trying her best to come across as interested!

So YANBU imo, although of course if they don’t want to then I wouldn’t want them around them anyway! Probably dodged a bullet by them being honest

BigBaboonBum · 09/01/2018 21:10

And yeah her kid is her responsibility, but she’s still entitled to emotions - and being upset that her parents don’t want to help her with her children warrants a valid reaction imo

Jassmells · 09/01/2018 21:11

Whilst I don't think grandparents should HAVE to it would be very lovely if they WANTED to and that's what is quite sad about these posts.

mishfish · 09/01/2018 21:11

Is there not a childminder or after school club he can go to? If it’s literally just an afternoon and doesn’t like like it runs late into the evening is this an option?

It’s not nice, I know. They’re entitled to say no but I totally understand where you’re coming from

BoffinMum · 09/01/2018 21:13

I hope they don't expect any help when they get frail.

WeaselsRising · 09/01/2018 21:14

So your child's father won't help, but you are getting annoyed with your parents?!

You don't say how old they are. My DM was thinking of doing some voluntary work until she found out she'd be committed to every week. Now she's retired she wants the freedom of being able to do what she wants. Perhaps yours are the same? And why shouldn't they do their church stuff?

Camelsinthegobi · 09/01/2018 21:14

They don’t want to is enough. Also, church warden responsibilities can be rescheduled/delegated quite easily but looking after a child can’t. So they might feel bad booking holidays at a time they normally look after your child. And they’ve retired so they don’t want to have to feel bad about booking holidays when they wish. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you have to do everything that other people want you to. But you do have my sympathy as you’re in a tough spot.

Leeds2 · 09/01/2018 21:14

If you were my daughter, and I was your DM, I hope I wouldn't have any hesitation in agreeing to look after my grandchild for one afternoon a week (providing it didn't interrupt work).
I dont think your DP are being unreasonable for refusing to commit though.
Is there any chance you could explain your difficulties to their minister, and ask if it would be possible to set up a rota for the congregation to help out, given that your parents can't? Might be a bit mean, but I would be tempted,

Plaintalkin · 09/01/2018 21:15

Your mum didn’t say she wouldn’t help just that they didn’t want a regular commitment. Are they retired? They’ve obviously bought up their kids and they’re entitled not to want to be your childcare OP.

Maybe they just want to be grandparents not Carers,

I’m sorry for your situation and your divorce etc but your son is your problem and your feckless ex ( being remarried does not excuse him from supporting his son ) , I think you should be more annoyed with your ex than your parents.

PenelopeChipShop · 09/01/2018 21:16

You know what, I don’t think you are unreasonable here. It’s one afternoon. If they’re retired (it sounds that way?) that isn’t a lot to ask out of a free week, considering the benefit it would give to you. It sounds like you’re really struggling and it would make a real difference to you whereas it’s not a lot for them to sacrifice... and there’s two of them fgs so they could even take it in turns?!

I would ask again, making it clear how stressed you are and probably say they don’t have to do anything much beyond let him watch telly if that’s easier for them.

I know that’s going against the MN grain of being independent at all costs but in real life people need support and I don’t think it’s unreaosnable to ask your own family for help!

Maccapacca88 · 09/01/2018 21:16

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but in my opinion yanbu. I can't imagine turning down my child's plea for help in this situation. It just seems so cold and heartless. I hope for their sake they don't require any assistance from you in their old age. I'd be telling them to get stuffed!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/01/2018 21:16

People are really harsh on here. Ffs the OP is struggling to work without childcare. Her parents spend the equivalent time praying - they really don't believe in Christianity outside the church, do they?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/01/2018 21:17

OP, have you ever used Sitters? They're a babysitting agency and will find you someone who can do this.

cantkeepawayforever · 09/01/2018 21:18

My parents are (very) Christian. they take services, sing in choirs, preach, do lots of church admin. It doesn't, however, at nearing 80, make them suitable or willing childcarers, especially for a child of 11 - the physical demands are very different.

I suspect it is the nature of what is needed, and its inflexibility as to timing / delegation, that is the issue.

bobstersmum · 09/01/2018 21:18

I don't think yabu at all. Dh and I regularly talk about this (we have no help as mil is poorly and far away and my parents just don't help unless it's dire emergency) we always say that we will help when our kids are older and have their own. Obviously they'd have to respect that we have our own lives too and aren't just free childcare, but who wouldn't want to spend ONE MEASLY AFTERNOON with their grandchildren??
To me, life is all about family, we brought them into the world, so we accept a certain responsibility for them, forever really, and that goes for when they have their own children too.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/01/2018 21:18

Is the afternoon the same one each week or at the weekend?

Skedaddled · 09/01/2018 21:19

Sorry it’s not clear from your posts if the issue is just one of childcare or if your son has additional support needs that make regular childcare unsuitable.
If your son is at a special school or you receive DLA/PIP you should be able to contact social work for respite cover. Or if not can you arrange a local childminder/after school club? You can’t expect your parents to be childcare if they don’t want to.

cantkeepawayforever · 09/01/2018 21:20

My parents, though, would help with the cost because they could not physically manage it themselves - is this something that you could ask for? Or could they help someone else who could therefore be released to help you?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/01/2018 21:20

But she could expect her parents to care for her and to care for their own grandchild, Skedaddled. Surely the parental interest doesn't just stop at 18?

BigBaboonBum · 09/01/2018 21:20

I agree @bobstersmum . I was always told “when you have children then you’re also agreeing to grandchildren” . But I accept some families are different, it just makes me a bit sad

cantkeepawayforever · 09/01/2018 21:22

I have never lived close enough to any relative to have any childcare by anyone that I have not paid for - I don't hold this against my parents, or see that they are 'failing me'. I do find that line of reasoning bizarre. They are my children. it's my job to care for them. if others want to help, that's brilliant. if not, I can't expect them to.