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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/01/2018 21:38

OP you're in a difficult situation and I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. Have you tried talking to them with the argument's you're using here (though, I would suggest, maybe not with the same frustrated attitude as, justified though it may be, it's less likely to get you what you want)?

Ask them directly if they could see their way to helping you save your house and improve stability for their DGC trough a regular commitment as an act of Christian charity?

NameWithChange · 09/01/2018 21:38

I really don't think it is too much to ask from family at all!! It surprises me that people do!! You obviously work hard in a dedicated career and keep a roof over DC head. Good on you! Sorry it's so hard right now, and I'm sorry you are not getting the family support you deserve.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/01/2018 21:39

Yabu unfortunately but I would be disappointed in your situation. I hope you find a solution soon.

EssexMummy123456 · 09/01/2018 21:40

i think other posters might have mentioned but as your son has autism is there any possibly of a respite fund from your local council that might pay for a few hours a week for someone to look after him.

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/01/2018 21:40

Just as an aside - do consider older teens - don't assume no one will want to do it because of your son's autism.

When I was 16, I used to help a local family whose daughter was a similar age to your son. She had down's syndrome but like your son was very well behaved. She just couldn't cope with being on her own. I really enjoyed it and her additional needs didn't bother me at all.

PictPost · 09/01/2018 21:40

I hear you Jellycat but kids with additional needs often aren't able to access the standard realms of childcare so it's impossible to find.

Family help in this instance could probably really mean the difference between make or break and whilst I appreciate this is not what they planned I am sure the OP didn't plan to have a child with ASD and all the pressure that brings. If we can't rely on our family to help out when the going gets tough then who can we rely on, I just find that sad.

DizzyBlondeMum2 · 09/01/2018 21:40

You clearly need some time off but the GPs have made it clear they won't help. So regardless of whether they are BU or not - that's not your solution.

Sounds like you are entitled to some carer breaks. Would you consider asking for help from an outside agency? is there a local autism group you could contact, they may know of youth groups etc where your child could go to meet peers and give you a break.

Alternatively if you are up for it as a carer you can request a carer assessment from social services - if they agree that you need some respite they should provide it. A local carer group should be able to advise you - Carer's Trust are national and a good place to start. An initial phone call costs nothing and doesn't commit you to anything.

Its often hard to take the first step to ask for help but if you don't look after yourself you won't be able to look after everyone else - which is clearly very important to you and something you are doing a fantastic job of!

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 09/01/2018 21:40

For those who don’t think it’s too much to ask every afternoon once a week is typing. What if ops parents want to go on holiday, are too ill, other engagements come up such as a wedding for example. Regardless if it’s only one day it’s a commit every week which limits what they can and can’t do.

Pannacott · 09/01/2018 21:41

Check out the app Bubble, reasonable price card babysitting, often at short notice. Don't lose your job and home because of this, surely paying someone is better.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 09/01/2018 21:41

Tying not typing

NameWithChange · 09/01/2018 21:41

I also think that if your parents are so 'churchy' and dedicated to the community and others they should be more than keen to help with their grandchild and give him the reliable, regular family support that he deserves - as well as giving you that support!

As a previous poster said similarly, I hope they are expecting to be totally self sufficient in their older years and not expect you to help them out.

NeedsANap · 09/01/2018 21:43

YABU. You are stressed with your son, and perhaps they just don't know how to handle an autistic kid. It's not their responsibility

LineysRunt · 09/01/2018 21:46

I agree that they'll reap what they sow. Do unto others, and all that.

Slightlygiganticpants · 09/01/2018 21:47

I hope you make it abundantly clear to them that when or if they want any help when they get old tough!

I have done so with my parents who love to pretend to be fabulous grandparents but in reality are never there. It's hard having a child who needs extra support.

My mother in particular I know would love to have me as her carer when she is old (not for a while yet) however I told her quite clearly that things like that are a reciprocal agreement and as I am looking after my children without their help (one dc with complex needs) that I will be all out of caring ability by that stage so they can go live in residential care. I will visit when and if I feel like it.

KarmaStar · 09/01/2018 21:48

Hi OP
Hell it is really hard isn't it?very very hard.
Have you got room for an Au Pair? Or a sensible student who could stay over at yours when you're on shift and whilst you sleep in return for a cheap rented bedroom ?that would give your DS the stability of being in his own home.

christmaspudding1 · 09/01/2018 21:51

I don't think that helping others isn't normal but a weekly committment is a lot to ask of folk who have earned their retirement

yep i agree,but they manage their church duties weekly both of them but cant help their own family for a few hrs (bet is someone needed help in the congragation they would be front of the que to help)

its not as if op is gong to get her hair/nails etc done

she is providing a public service,hope her parents never have the misfortune of needing a paramedic and having along wait due to staffing

Phineyj · 09/01/2018 21:52

I'm going with the minority group here to say YANBU. Your parents are not practising what they preach and it must be very frustrating. Do they clearly understand what is at risk regarding your job and mortgage? How would they feel about you living with them if you lost the house? (might be worth mentioning that in case an afternoon of looking after an 11 year old suddenly seems preferable...)

However, you're really on a hiding to nothing trying to get unwilling people to change their minds here. You'd be better to find a willing friend to do it (I realise you've probably tried that).

Do you think your parents would commit to help for e.g. a couple of months while you find another solution? I think my DM/DMIL would probably do that even if they didn't want to be tied down to a weekly commitment.

My experience has been that my DM simply didn't realise (because it's been so long since she's been employed and she never used paid-for childcare) that offering to childmind every other week wasn't really any more helpful than not doing it at all (because I would have still had to pay for the nursery place on the alternate weeks.

LuluJakey1 · 09/01/2018 21:52

My parents are dead and PIL live 2 hours away. DH and I had no help until SIL moved up here. We could ask her in an emergency - she has a DD now- but could not rely on her regularly. It is hard to have no family support.
Is there an after school club or scheme he could go to OP, or someone you could pay. I think your parents are being a bit hard about this.

Original poster

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 21:52

Thankyou HateIsNotGood!! yes I've been doing this job for 20 years. When I had my child I was in a loving relationship, which unfortunately didn't work out. I never chose actively to be in this position but it is very difficult to just leave it and retrain for something else. I've been juggling things with a lot of difficulty for the last 7 years since the ex left. Childminders have given up etc. I can't find a childminder who will have him until 7-8 pm at night. I can't guarantee a finish time because of the nature of my work. I'm just asking for one afternoon per week. I really don't think that the haters get it and i'm not sure they realise the enormity of what i'm facing, nor care. I'm probably coming to the wrong place for advice to be honest. I seriously couldn't be any more independent if I tried. I've had no social or romantic life for years, yes I chose to have a child but I never chose to be a single parent. The lack of empathy on here is something else..! Thanks to the supporters but I've also read the non supportive messages and taken on board. Thanks. Not sure i'll post for advice again lol

OP posts:

LuluJakey1 · 09/01/2018 21:53

Would it just be a couple of hours- if he is at school?

tiredybear · 09/01/2018 21:54

That totally sucks, OP. Yes, technically your parents don't owe you anything, but this is the real world and family should WANT to help each other out. I don't think you're being unreasonable to want a bit of help.
Wish I had some advice but can only give you morale support. Some really useful advice from others here (ignore the usual haters!). Hope you find some way to move forward.

Oldbutstillgotit · 09/01/2018 21:54

As a Granny I simply don’t understand what your parents wouldn’t want to help you in these circumstances. I really really don’t get the MN mantra of “ your kids, your problem “

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 09/01/2018 21:54

I’m confused you say you want one afternoon for yourself or to work? What is the 7/8 time slot?

LuluJakey1 · 09/01/2018 21:55

Sorry x-post. So it would be 4-8pm. On a set day?

Oldbutstillgotit · 09/01/2018 21:55

Why not what

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