To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

[IndependentMum]

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

Bibbidee, If the dad isn't willing to help ds keep his home then he's a bad father, isn't he? Would OP (or anyone) send their ds every other weekend, to a bad father? No. Therefore OP deems him responsible enough for childcare, ergo it is reasonable to put childcare issues onto the father rather than the GP's.

Rainbunny, It's not the GP's who "easily sit back", it's ds's own dad.

Furthermore Rainbunny, I know for a fact that if I were ever unable to provide regular childcare for grandkids, MY dc would accept this and would never dream of using it against me when elderly! They are decent human beings and not full of their own entitlement.

My mum minds my son when she has a day off for me, mostly because I’m a student (suspended studies so can only afford minimal childcare) but also because I’m in recovery. I don’t want her to do it much longer it completely drains her she always says she forgot how tiring children can be she’s only 55!

I think it’s fair that they don’t want a regular commitment.

Is there anyone else you know who needs childcare? Is there a possibility to have someone else's dc one evening and they can do the same for you?

Sorry if suggested already.

I think you're amazing doing a very difficult job at a difficult time for the NHS.

I feel for you, OP, but you are angry with the wrong people. Your child's father needs to step up.

I'm retired and no way will I be providing child care when I become a grandmother. I don't have the energy any more.

Some people are happy to help on a one off basis but just don't want to be tied in to doing it every week.

I have similar with BIL school drop off. They've moved to our area with older DC and attend the school. Our DD will be starting next year and it's already been suggested about me taking their DC on set days each week. Would love to help but hate the though of being tied in to it every week. That's ok though and people are entitled to that.

It's tricky though,KayaG.I'm a bit younger than you but my oldest DC is early twenties,still at home and has some anxiety and general health issues.And sometimes she needs to talk and to get some support when I have had a long day and am ready for bed.
I don't have the energy - but she really does need the support,so what's to do? ( trivial example,but still. I used to be able to function ok on 5.5 hrs sleep,I can't now.)
I wouldn't want to provide regular long term childcare once I was retired,but if my child was struggling like OP is I don't think I could refuse to help out.It isn't as if she hasn't tried other routes.
And it's OK to say the Dad should do more - but if he won't? He's moved,remarried - is he going to care if OP loses her job? And he should care about the impact on his child - but he might not.

@Bubbaleo

I obviously can't know whether OP's ex is a good father but some father's just don't care, out of sight out of mind when they leave. When I asked my ex if he could help with the odd school run he said 'no, you have custody, your problem'. This was after he decided to dump the household bills on me so I needed to up my hours at work. So it doesn't matter what you think and it changes nothing whether they're good fathers. If they won't play ball then you're on your own.

What does remarrying have to do with it? He still has a son! And posters are pushing for an explanation from the GP's but not from the dad. What's that all about? As KayaG said, OP is angry with the wrong people.

@IndependentMum

I hear you. I'm beyond lucky that my parents offer to help me out. It's the sheer relentlessness of single parenting isn't it? That you have ownership of bloody everything.

I don't know where you are OP but if you're close to me I will happily help out. I work from home to ensure I can pick up DD. I am DBS checked through school and happy to meet you/your son to see if it's doable.

Feel free to drop me a PM (no pressure either way, the offer is there).

Gingerbread I am the sort of person who would help anyone out in a fix, I often do favours for other mums at DGC school. Maybe I'm lucky to live in a nice friendly place with a sense of community and people don't seem to resent mums who need a bit of help or grandmothers who regularly can't do their bit because of illness.

Bubbaleo the father of this little boy has divorced the mum and moved on to a new phase in his life, this doesn't make him a bad father, a bad partner maybe, but maybe he is also doing his best. We don't know so can't speculate. I do know, having once been a single mum who worked full time and a married mum who worked full time, it's not always as simple as telling your boss that your leaving early one afternoon a week, I've certainly been in situations where I would have feared the repercussions if I had done so.

I do know that as a parent I would do anything to help my children or indeed the mother of my grandchildren who was once my sons partner.

Yanbu. Yes he's your son and yes your dps have finished having their own children but wouldn't it be nice for them to help out? Do they expect any help now or in the future? Where has the sense of community gone that single mums who are doing their best still get trumped by bloody retirees who want a life.. the selfishness and detachment is really something else. And from people calling themselves Christians! Man alive..

Im so sorry you're struggling. Could you put an ad out for a mothers help? Sounds like your afternoon/ evening requirement is out of the norm so you might need something a bit different. Or an au pair? I used to be part of a local facebook group for childminding and people would advertise a range of very specific needs like yours and they found help. Is there anything similar in your area?

Good luck

Aren't there several problems for the OP and I hope she sorts them.

She's a paramedic. So she may have a shift but it will sometimes over-run. I think most of us would prefer someone like her who was helping us not to look at her watch and say, oh dear, got to get home now, just dropping the defribillator/stop keeping my hand on your massive bleed/doing RSI .

So she's asking for cover for her son which is not fixed hours.

Her ex partner now lives 90 minutes away and can't physically be there.

Her grandparents won't help - fair enough though most GP I know would be only too happy to - though in their 50s-75s and in health. Especially if it meant the OP would be able to keep her job and her home and provide for her child. But I do agree that her ex partner should be contributing more and helping her solve the issue, and that she should go to her ambulance service and ask for solutions.

Heebie happy for one less paramedic? retraining as what?

Yes CatRen27, those "bloody retirees who want a life"! What a super-entitled delight twat you must be to your family/friends. I really don't see how the continued GP bashing helps rhe OP to find a solution?

millie, what happens after 75? Do we all come to a standstill/put out to pasture?

@bubbaleo ouch did you just call me a twat? That's harsh. I'm not entitled, i don't get any regular support from my parents to look after our child as I'm fortunate not to need it.

But i do know that if i did (in the way the OP describes), they'd help in a heartbeat. They currently do 1-2 afternoons a week of after school care for my niece and nephew as DB is on his own and needs it. I also do the same for him on an ad hoc basis.

They're busy and retired but would never let their kids down. And if and when they need help I'll be right there to support them. That's what family is for.

Could the child go to school near his dads house and live with him and see the OP during her time off? If not his dad should really consider moving nearer to help. He seems to be very much off the hook in all of this. Back to mediation maybe?

Pancakeinmabelly - please tell me that's not a serious suggestion. DS with issues to move home and school? EX to move house and job when he can't help with afternoons if he's working? Really?

I have recently become a grandmother to an adorable baby girl. My daughter is the only one of our 4 children that lives within a few miles of me. I lost my husband almost 2 years ago,and am now getting my life back on track after nursing him for 6 years. I am more than happy to be there in an emergency and to babysit regularly,however I have made it very clear that I am not going to be tied down to a specific day of the week. I have offered to help with child care costs ,as I do for my other daughter, and everyone seems happy with the suggestions I have made. However, some of her friends,and mine...think that I am being quite mean and unreasonable. Am I?

Nope, Brunhildafair, you're not. Not to my mind anyway. Paying for child care is no different from providing it in person. In fact in some ways it's more generous.

Pancake, unfortunately this is more of a GP bashing thread, rather than ask anything of the actual father thread. I wonder how the GP's would feel if they knew their hard earned, long awaited time for themselves was being judged on mn? Sad!

Brunhildafair so sorry for your loss And sorry that friends are judging, after all you've been through. It's really kind of you to help with childcare costs, enjoy your new lovely new gd

Brunhildafair I don’t think you are being mean either- and it’s kind of you to pay towards the cost and be available for emergencies. The OP is having difficulty as there is no paid childcare available that runs until her evening shift finishes and will lose her job (livelihood, home etc) if she can’t find some care for her 11 year old one evening a week. I suspect under those circumstances many grandparents would help for a few hours a week as there was no alternative.
Really as I said earlier on the thread this is an issue that appears to be totally ignored by policy-makers who seem oblivious to the fact that many many jobs now don’t fit the traditional childcare hours and single parents don’t always have family able or willing to help.