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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:

Knittedfairies · 09/01/2018 21:23

You weren’t unreasonable to ask them, but equally they were not unreasonable to say 'no'. I hope you can sort out something.

Llamallann · 09/01/2018 21:23

Is there any reason you can’t get a childminder? As you say it’s only one afternoon a week, it’s hardly worth losing your job over.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/01/2018 21:23

Yes, but the OP does live near to her parents, so she's in a completely different situation, @cantkeepawayforever!

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/01/2018 21:23

Any chance you can get him into afterschool club or childminder one day a week? I'm guessing money is likely an issue but it might be worth it so you can have a break.
Also, can he be left on his own at home for a few hours?

Original poster

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 21:24

Yes of course I've read my user name, is there really any need to be so patronising? I've become this way because I am literally on my own. I rarely ask anyone for anything. .. I give up.. Lucky for you MakeMisogny that you have a DH to juggle things with, I am a single parent. Happy days on this site isn't it. Jeeez

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 09/01/2018 21:25

Do any of the childminders locally do School pick up?

How long do you need him watching for?

Are there after school clubs he could go to?

Could he be left alone with an emergency contact if he is sensible enough? I know it's different times but I was in my own for about 2-3 hours after school from about that age.

Ultimately you have chosen a career that is not family friendly, it is your responsibility to sort out childcare not your parents. Yes it would be nice but he is not their responsibility and they have given you their answer. Yabu to be pisses off about it.

SnowyChristmasWish · 09/01/2018 21:25

I’d be upset. You need help. It’s natural that you go to your parents and hope that they will offer it some support. I think it’s a bit selfish of them not to offer something, even a compromise (like they’ll help term time and your ex does hols?). Or that they’ll do every other week or that they can’t baby sit but they’ll bring dinner round one night a week or do some cleaning for you. They could surely suggest some support that they can offer their child who is struggling?!

donquixotedelamancha · 09/01/2018 21:26

Your kid is your responsibility.

Yes, of course this is true, of course GPs are entitled to say no; but it doesn't change the fact that the OP is quite reasonable to feel put out. Helping one another out is what families do and most GPs are happy to spend this time with their grandkids, despite the imposition.

MN is littered with stories of parents who don't do what they should. I think we should cut a little slack to those who do so, even when it's tough.

@IndependentMum. There are two of us. We have two days of childcare from GPs. We are still fucking knackered with 2 kids. You (and all the other single parents who manage in similar circumstances) are a bloody hero for all the sacrifices you make for your child.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/01/2018 21:27

I don't see how having a Christian faith equates to responsible for free childcare. I have no help from my parents with children and neither did my siblings, they held the view that they had raised their children and didn't want tied to a weekly commitment with mine. As much as life would be easier, I respect their right to say no.

You're not entitled to parental help with your own kids. For a pp to suggest having a word with their minister is ridiculous - there's nothing in the Christian faith that says parents owe their children free childcare.

ShoesHaveSouls · 09/01/2018 21:27

I suppose they're not obliged to, but it's a shame that they're happy to help out their church, but not their struggling daughter.

I don't think you're asking too much at all, but that doesn't help your predicament.

BigBaboonBum · 09/01/2018 21:27

@IndependentMum ignore the bitchy comments. Can you imagine if these people spoke like this to people in real life? It blows my mind.

She needs help and is struggling, as PP said it’s totally natural to ask her parents for help, because most people don’t cut their kids off when they retire for an extra evening of time to do whatever

Pearlsaringer · 09/01/2018 21:29

I’m afraid YABU. One of the benefits of retirement is finally being free to spend your time as you would like, being able to make spontaneous trips, take holidays etc. It’s something you look forward to after a lifetime in the workplace.

Your DP have not said they won’t help, just that they don’t want to be tied to a regular commitment. I think you have to respect that and be grateful for the help they do feel able to give.

Lovemusic33 · 09/01/2018 21:29

It is hard, I have the same problem, dd is the same age as your dd and has ASD, my DM will rarely baby sit and dd’s Dad only has her for a few hours a week. I can afford to pay someone to look after her but it’s hard finding someone with expereance of ASD and anyone that wants to do it.

Willswife · 09/01/2018 21:31

You say it's one afternoon, but presumably your DS is at school, so what hours are you struggling with? If it's only a couple of hours between school finish and 5 or 6pm, there may be a parent that could help out?

PictPost · 09/01/2018 21:32

I feel for you OP, it's tough juggling work and kids particularly if your child also has needs that present additional challenges. We have a DS with additional needs and finding appropriate childcare is nigh on impossible and comes at great financial cost. We work to pay the bills in this house but also because it rescues my mental health which keeps our marriage going and a secure home for our kids, work is important on so many levels for me.

I find it really sad that so many people think helping others is not normal, surely if we all helped each other a bit more life might be just that bit easier. I am sorry your parents don't see how life changing a small commitment on their end could be for you, I can appreciate how tough that is for you to deal with and you have my sympathies.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 09/01/2018 21:32

I’m also confused tbh surely you can leave him with a childminder for the afternoon once a week like most parents have to? It’s a small cost to pay but it secures your job and mortgage. Grandparents are brilliant if they want to help with childcare however they don’t have to.

We currently get zero help from either side so we just have to get on with things. I’ve been a single parent before and worked, I had to pay childcare it’s not impossible. I would alter your expections on others helping out though especially other mums as once a week every week is a big commitment. I’ve seen many threads where school mums have over committed themselves to situations like helping a friend with childcare and it becomes too much.

gillybeanz · 09/01/2018 21:34

Would your parents be able to manage your child? How old are they?

Tbh, although it's hard for you, you decided to have a child and it obviously didn't work out with his father.
It isn't the responsibility of your parents to provide childcare, they've done their bit.
I'm sorry it's so tough for you though, is there any childminding services that can help you?

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2018 21:35

What am I missing? Why can't you pay for someone to come in that one afternoon a week?

LadyPenelope68 · 09/01/2018 21:35

YANU to think that they should commit to a regular time to have your son, that’s not a requirement of being a grandparent. They have their own life and obviously don’t want to commit to something on a regular basis, nothing wrong with that.

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/01/2018 21:35

It sounds really tough on you and I can fully appreciate it's hard having to juggle on your own.

Although GPs are not obliged to help out, I do think they are being a bit mean not doing it of they could - especially as you are asking them so you can work - not like you want to just go out on the town . Do they know that if you can't cover this one afternoon a week you will have to give up working and the implications of that?

If they are adamant then other options need to be sought. As your son is 11, I assume the one afternoon a week is after school? I know you have mentioned he is autistic and so these suggestions may be no use but would a childminder be an option? Or advertise locally for someone for one afternoon a week to come to your home? There may well be people who would be willing to do that, especially as your son is well behaved.

Could you ask at your local college for people doing childcare etc to see if anyone would be willing to do it - they gain a small amount of money plus experience and a referee? You might get an older teen who would be happy to stay with your son.

What about asking at the hospital where you work? Any healthcare assistants or similar who would be willing to do it for a bit of extra cash?

After school type clubs?

I really hope you get sorted!

Pearlsaringer · 09/01/2018 21:35

I wonder if your DP would do it for a finite period, say, two or three months, while you get some breathing space. If you were clear you saw this as purely temporary, they might bend. You’d need to stick to your end of the deal though and organise something long term.

CisCucumber · 09/01/2018 21:36

It's grim they will not help with such a small ask
I hope they are very independent in their old age. What goes around comes around

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/01/2018 21:36

I don't think that helping others isn't normal but a weekly committment is a lot to ask of folk who have earned their retirement. It would be nice if they could but it's equally reasonable that they don't want to at this time in their life.

HateIsNotGood · 09/01/2018 21:37

Bloody hell OP - I'm sure you posted 11 year old autistic child - many posters seem to have conveniently overlooked that. Well done you for even holding down a paramedics job as an LP with an autistic child.

YANBU - nothing else to add or advise, except well done you to keep it going this long. The smug 'your kid, your responsibility' brigade can fuck off and moan that the paramedics didn't arrive earlier when the shit hits their fan.

LouHotel · 09/01/2018 21:38

Your parents arent unreasonable to say no and equally if they ever find themselves in the situation in a few years/decade when they need additional support you will not be unreasonable to say no.

It isnt very Christian of them to be fair

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