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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that because my dd isn't potty trained everyone thinks she's thick?

203 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 07/01/2018 12:38

Well maybe not everyone but all dh's family.

She's just 2 and has a cousin who is basically the same age. This little girl is obviously very bright and has potty trained basically overnight. My dd is perhaps only average or not as bright but I don't need it rammed down my throat all the time. Every time we see them they say 'not potty trained yet then' and 'X is potty trained and she's four weeks younger than dd'

She's been better than dd since she was born. This is just the latest thing in a procession of stuff my dd can't do. I realise dd will never be as good as her cousin. I don't need it pointed out to me all the time!

It's really getting on my nerves. My dd can't help not being as clever can she? I'm sure she won't go to school in nappies.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 08/01/2018 10:36

Yeah, DS1 has to stop playing and go upstairs to the toilet or be walked to the loos in the park etc. But DS2 just carries on playing and wears a nappy. He thinks we're fools for not wearing nappies. Grin

He's going to school soon and i am getting worried!

millymae · 08/01/2018 10:41

Ignore them OP - people that boast in reality often have nothing to boast about all.
You need to get out of your head NOW that your daughter will never be as good as her cousin. Enjoy your daughter and ignore the temptation to compare. The reality is that children develop at different paces and whilst some may get there faster than others it means nothing in the long run. One thing is definitely for sure the cousin is growing up in an atmosphere where trying to get one over people is obviously the done thing and this is not a nice trait to have at all.

LinoleumBlownapart · 08/01/2018 10:42

Why do people equate potty training with intelligence? It's about bladder control. It's physical. Potty train after 3, it's so much easier and will take a week, if that.

DH has a second cousin whose child is always advanced, potty trained early, walked early, talked early, good at sports, the little prodigy etc, his mother attends sports days and shoves her son in all the races, actually physically removing other children. I became his English as a second language teacher last year when he entered year 1. At the end of the first term I needed to give either "excellent" or "good" as marks. His parents don't speak English so they can't give him a push at home like they do with other areas. I gave "good", a lot of the kids his mother thinks are less than her prodigy got "excellent". One reason is they often have the skills to listen. His mother was angry when comparing grades with the other mothers. He didn't get excellent because he talks in class, doesn't listen or pay attention, and I often have to re-focus his attention, he is one of my less able students. One reason I think this is, is that he is so advanced in class that he doesn't need to pay attention to the teacher, the problem is that he now lacks or never learnt how to listen to or focus attention on the teacher and he needs that skill to learn English, I've had to put him into a smaller group that I work with for kids that need extra help, he is not comfortable playing second fiddle to kids he considers to be below him. In my experience the playing field often evens out like that when mummy's little prodigies start school.

So stop comparing your DD to other children, enjoy her for who she is!

seizethecuttlefish · 08/01/2018 10:44

My mil used to do this when comparing my son to his cousins. Frankly, they can be as intelligent as anything (they're not but she saw them through rose coloured glasses) but still little shits.
2 is young to potty train. Do you see many kids going to school, still in nappies? They all do it in their own time. Forcing can lead to massive problems later on.
Shrug and ignore. Easier said than done. Let the comparisons commence. If you don't respond, hopefully they'll get fed up. Parenting is hard enough without introducing a competitive element!

Pinky333777 · 08/01/2018 11:01

I've looked after many children, some potty trained at a young age, before 2yrs and seemingly average others were over 3yrs and are frankly very clever in my opinion.
Just tell them straight it is very unkind to compare children to one another. All children are different and wonderful in their own unique ways.
Wait until their child starts school and they realise she is actually boringly average 😆😆😆

JayoftheRed · 08/01/2018 11:06

My son was potty trained at 2 years, 4 months. He sort of did it himself; we'd had the potty out for a while and encouraged him to use it, but then one day he said "no nappy today" and that was that.

However.

He is now 5 and still in pull ups at night because he just can't stay dry over night consistently.

So I really wouldn't worry, potty training means nothing, and I'm sure your DD is as bright as she needs to be!

paxillin · 08/01/2018 11:32

Learning something really early doesn't mean you end up better at it. I'd be tempted to say "X is so good at pooping in the toilet, I know. I don't think Y will ever be such a good toilet pooper".

Usain Bolt was possibly not the earliest walker in his town, neither was Mother Theresa necessarily that good at sharing aged 2. Perhaps Newton didn't ace timetables aged 4 and Shakespeare might not have been a free reader aged 5.

Mindgone · 08/01/2018 12:07

My DS finally got the hang of potty training a week before his 3rd birthday, and he didn't walk until he was 18 1/2 months. He is how studying medicine.
Pace yourself, it's a long road! Smile

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/01/2018 14:43

I have a friend who, while lovely in most ways, claimed that her son was toilet trained when he was about 18mo.
He wasn't - she just took him out of nappies then.
She had to carry about 4 sets of clothes around with her every day, because he would regularly wet himself until he was nearly 3.

I don't call that toilet trained.

Trinity66 · 08/01/2018 14:45

not being potty trained at 2 doesn't make her thick nor does it show that the other child is really clever either, it's definitely not a sign of how intelligent a child is

Placeboooooooo · 08/01/2018 14:58

I remember reading a quote once that said ‘no one will ever ask your child what age they were potty trained in a job interview.’ Just a bit of perspective there for you, please ignore whoever is trying to ram this down your throat, says more about them than it does about you.

For what it’s worth my friend’s little girl is 3.5, can do sign language and write her own name and she isn’t potty trained yet, it has nothing to do with intelligence in my book.

sanasa · 08/01/2018 15:03

My little girl is just 2. She is no where near ready to potty train. She's too busy being 2 and having fun.
My little boy was potty trained by 2.
Everyone is different.

Rebeccaslicker · 08/01/2018 15:12

My DD is just 2 and has been telling us about the toilet/getting upset when she does a poo for a while, so we will start it soon.

Does that make her a genius? Does it feck, and only an idiot would think so. Even as a doting mother, I can see that!

If your in-laws think they can tell how bright a kid is at 2, or that brightness will translate to academic or other success, they are the thick ones. Enjoy your DD and ignore their bullshit.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/01/2018 15:14

I really don’t understand why this bothers you. Potty training is not indicative of intelligence. Neither is who got their first tooth, or who walked first. It is so unimportant.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/01/2018 15:43

How very unempathetic of you, Diana.
THe OP has been told pretty much since her DD was born, by the sound of it, how inferior her DD is to her cousin.
This would affect many people's ability to think clearly, if their own husband and his family keep wanking on about how "cousin is so much brighter, so much better, so much faster, so much more fun to be with" Hmm.

Sadly, the OP now seems to believe the utter tosh that she's been fed - so maybe try for a bit of fellow-feeling rather than being all smug about it, eh?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/01/2018 16:11

You’re of course totally right Thumb. And I guess to answer OPs question, SINBU to be annoyed by them banging on about it but SIBU to give any credence to their ridiculousness.

BatShite · 08/01/2018 16:13

My son is 3 and not completely trained yet

My daughter..is fucking 5 and she still doesn't get it totally. Has a ridiculous amount of accidents and we have to put her in pullups when we are going out for the day as you can guarantee she will wee or poo in her pants pretty much Confused Both her school and the doctor reckon its nothing to worry about at this stage. I disagree.

Mightyfedup · 08/01/2018 17:46

My DS potty trained by third birthday. He has just go AAA at A level.

DullAndOld · 08/01/2018 17:48

OP please don't worry, your DD is fine, and comparing small children does no good at all.
Besides it's no indication of later success in life, meeting early milestones.
a little hug for your DD x

Halfdrankbrew · 08/01/2018 18:04

They need to stop comparing your little girl to her cousin, children develop at different speeds, don't let their comments get to you. You need to (politely) tell them to shut up!

I have a (just turned) 2 year old, we got a potty a few months ago and tried a relaxed approach encouraging her to use the potty. She doesn't like it and her speech isn't at a stage she can express a need to go anyway. I've stopped pushing the potty and will try again in a few months time. I'm not at all worried, chatting to friends with children similar ages they were 2 1/2 before they even started to try potty training. They are all different and some will just be ready sooner, it doesn't mean they're any more or less intelligent!

Maccapacca88 · 08/01/2018 18:07

I'm a relatively high academic achiever and my DM loves to relate the stories of my misfortunes in potty training! My 2 year old is very bright. Talking in full sentences, walked at 10 months etc. Nowhere near being potty trained!

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 08/01/2018 19:32

Thanks everyone.
My dd is talking in sentences and knows most colours and shapes but they never say anyhting positive about her. She's such a sweetie as well, aside from how 'bright' she turns out to be.
I think I am very different from them as I don't go on about dd's 'achievements' as I just think by the time they start school they are more or less pretty much the same apart from the exceptional few.
Sometimes I think I should point out stuff dd can do but then I think it makes me as bad as them so I don't.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 08/01/2018 20:16

I think I should point out stuff dd can do

Please don't sink to their level, by joining in the comparing. If you can't just ignore their comparisons, a little gentle humour would help point out how empty and meaningless these false comparisons are.

All the best...

junebirthdaygirl · 08/01/2018 20:28

My dd has a first class honours degree from a top university. She wasn't dry at night until 6.
My ds was trained in two days with no issue whatsoever. He really struggled in school with lots of learning difficulties.
I was always a high flyer in school but wet myself on day 1 as l was often reminded throughout the following years.
Your dd will surprise them all yet. They are showing their own complete lack of intelligence making such stupid remarks.

DrMarthaJones · 08/01/2018 20:58

They need to stop comparing your little girl to her cousin

It's OP that needs to stop doing that.