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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you don’t send thank you cards if

240 replies

SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:00

The gifter was present when you opened the gift? We’ve just had pil to stay for 10 days over Christmas and new year. They went home on Tuesday and this morning dh got a text to let him know they hadn’t received thank you cards from dc’s yet.

Dc’s are 5 and 2 but are expected to write a card/ draw picture in order to give thanks for presents that pil watched them open, heard them say thank you for and then watched them play with. I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this. I’ve sent thank you cards (written by myself with dc1 writing his name in) to relatives that sent presents but pil were there! So they don’t need a thank you card surely?

Please tell me I’m not the only one to think this is madness. And that if dh thinks it is reasonable he can bloody well do it himself.

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 07/01/2018 10:02

Definitely refer back to your DH

treaclesoda · 07/01/2018 10:03

I have never sent or received a thank you card for a gift unless it was for a wedding or a new baby. I find the idea of sending a thank you card for a present that was opened in front of the gift giver, and they were thanked for it in person, very strange.

MrsHathaway · 07/01/2018 10:03

I'm with you. When DH demurred I pointed him towards the cupboard where thank-you notes are kept. He changed his tune.

I do proper notes after birthday parties where the present is handed over in person but not opened until later. But that's not how it tends to work at Christmas.

MrsStinkey · 07/01/2018 10:04

We never send thank you cards for presents even if the person that bought them wasn't there at the time of opening. A quick text or a message of thanks to pass on is more than enough if you ask me! Your PIL and DH are mad to expect thank you cards for presents from two small children. Especially if they were there and thanked at the time of opening. YANBU

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 07/01/2018 10:05

If you thank them in person, you don't need to send a thank you card. I just get a thank you text from my siblings on behalf of my nieces and nephews to let me know that presents arrived safe, and if they liked them.

Llangollen · 07/01/2018 10:05

adults: it depends on the gift. If there were there when you opened a box of chocolate, no need. If someone give you something really valuable, I would write.

children: they always write thank you cards (or draw, it depends on the age!)> Great way to teach them. for family who will care, I always join a photo of the kids with their present.

Asking for a thank you card is weird.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/01/2018 10:06

That's madness, will they they then send a thank you card for the thank you card, since you didn't see them open it.

Tell them no way, but tell your dh if he wants to to go ahead, his parents, his kids, his card, them putting the ridiculous responsibility on yours not on

Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:06

For some reason dh’s family are bloody obsessed with thank you cards. Pil in particular will send thank you cards for absolutely anything - we received a ‘thank you for having us card’ 48 hours after they’d gone home having stayed for Christmas. When they’d said thank you for having us as they left. I have no idea why they feel this is necessary.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/01/2018 10:07

Totally with you, OP.

Get your DH to jump through the hoops!

DelphiniumBlue · 07/01/2018 10:07

It's not unreasonable not to have sent thank you cards in those circumstances, but now you know PILs would like it, its not so hard to manage. Its a thing that can cause a disproportionate amount of bad feeling if not done.
I was always a bit haphazard about this when my DC were little, but a tip I recently read was to keep DCs drawings to use for thank you letters.

Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:09

llang would you still send a card if they’d been present when opening it and said thank you at the time though?

I think I have done it once. Our best man at our wedding got us an amazingly thoughtful gift (signed first edition book which we got one of our readings from). I sent that as I was a bit overwhelmed at the time and wasn’t sure I had expressed just how kind I though it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:11

Yes you’re right I suppose delph, I’m just being stroppy. It’s just frustrating when I’m feeling all smug thinking that I’m on top of all xmas admin stuff nd then find out there’s more rubbish to do.

OP posts:
DiscotequeJuliet · 07/01/2018 10:11

I agree with you. We hosted PIL for Xmas & boxing day, as well as buying and wrapping their gifts to DCs (PIL hand over cash and tell us to buy and wrap something). Kids opened gifts in front of them and say thank you, give them a hug or a handshake. They see the kids then play with said toys all day. Then I get a passive aggressive comment from fil last week "don't children write thankyou cards any more then? Seems like good manners have gone out of fashion."

He was saying this as I unpacked his food shop, that I had just been and done for him, by the way. No thankyou there, or for the million other big and small tasks I do to make their lives easier.

Luckily my dh is on the same page as me and just ended the conversation with "they said thankyou to your face on the day. You're welcome for the shopping."

giddyupnow · 07/01/2018 10:11

You need to institute a rule NOW that DH’s parents, DH writes the cards. He will 100% sort it out so that he does not have to do it now because in all my life I have never seen a man pop into town to visit paperchase/a nice little gift shop to buy some lovely thank you cards and a nice pen and sit down to cajole some small kids into writing them. It’s 100% wife work.

MrsHathaway · 07/01/2018 10:13

If DH's family hold to old fashioned manners then I agree with delph that it would be kind to reciprocate.

But it really should be DH's chore.

HildaSnibbs · 07/01/2018 10:15

I’m with you OP - if they were there when you opened and were thanked in person then that’s enough. SIL does this - we just got a thank you card from her kids for the presents that we gave them in person and they very politely thanked us for at the time. I actually find it annoying because I don’t think it’s necessary and implies we should send one too - we don’t. We do send thank you cards to people whose presents arrived by post or sent money, along with letting them know what we bought. I know I’m probably a bit unreasonable about the cards but find it really annoying!

I think asking for a thank you card is incredibly rude though. Definitely one for your DH to sort out, if he wants to. They are his parents after all.

norfolkenclue · 07/01/2018 10:16

Absolutely, 100%, if DH's parents require this (ridiculous chore!) then DH needs to facilitate it! Do not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, do it yourself or you'll be lumbered with it forever OP!

TroysMammy · 07/01/2018 10:16

If they had been given money or vouchers then a thank you card telling the gift giver what was bought should be sent. Also a thank you card if the present is not opened with the gift giver present. Your PIL are bonkers.

thecatsthecats · 07/01/2018 10:19

I had a moment of ground shaking clarity a couple of years ago that in spite of choosing (undoubtedly awful, but I liked giving them) presents for my relatives as a child, and in spite of always being sat down to write thank you cards, I didn't receive a single card myself.

Subtleconstraints · 07/01/2018 10:20

I must admit I have always been in the habit of nagging encouraging my DD to write thank you notes to everyone who has given her Christmas presents, whether they were there at the time or not. Events on Christmas day can be quite rushed/exciting and sometimes it's not until afterwards the child can write something like "your lovely cardigan goes really well with my favourite leggings" or (in the case of an infant) "Jonny has been playing with his marble run for hrs and hrs" (accompanied by photo of Jonny doing so) etc etc. And I think it's a good habit for children to get in to - to think about and formally acknowledge the effort and expense that someone has gone to on their behalf - but each to their own.

WaggyMama · 07/01/2018 10:21

Argh!! Bloody thank you cards are a pain in the arse.

I'm with you OP, if my children had thanked the giver in person I wouldn't follow up with a card UNLESS the gift was very unusal or expensive and I wanted to re-affirm the gratitude.

It's a generation thing too - MIL friends used to send gifts to my DD's when they were younger so we would always send a card, these days DD's will just text a thank you to cousins etc.

Has your MIL sent YOU a thank you card for hosting putting up with her for 10 days? No, thought not.

JustAnIdiot · 07/01/2018 10:25

DH pesters DS about writing thank you cards to his DPs, even if they were there for the "grand opening". I've told him it's unnecessary.

Funnily enough he has never been the one to actually do or help with cards, though he always mentions how "good" I am for sending cards to people still wouldn't send a thank you for people who were there though

Biker47 · 07/01/2018 10:25

I don't think I've ver written a thank you card/note in all my life, but even given that; I'd say if you're there when the recipient opens your present and you get thanked in person, then you're a bit out of order to question/demand a thank you note.

meredintofpandiculation · 07/01/2018 10:26

I agree with the "no thank you card" if the giver was there when you opened it, and you said a proper thank-you to them. But if my child opened all their presents when the giver was there, and had no thank you letters to write, I might consider getting them to write an "unnecessary" thank you letter just for practice. But that's a parental decision.

Lethaldrizzle · 07/01/2018 10:26

Send a text to keep em quiet