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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t send thank you cards if

240 replies

SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:00

The gifter was present when you opened the gift? We’ve just had pil to stay for 10 days over Christmas and new year. They went home on Tuesday and this morning dh got a text to let him know they hadn’t received thank you cards from dc’s yet.

Dc’s are 5 and 2 but are expected to write a card/ draw picture in order to give thanks for presents that pil watched them open, heard them say thank you for and then watched them play with. I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this. I’ve sent thank you cards (written by myself with dc1 writing his name in) to relatives that sent presents but pil were there! So they don’t need a thank you card surely?

Please tell me I’m not the only one to think this is madness. And that if dh thinks it is reasonable he can bloody well do it himself.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2018 10:28

Etiquette dictates a thank you in person or a thank you note if not.

WhatIWant · 07/01/2018 10:29

I like getting kids to do thank you cards, I think it helps kids appreciate their presents and helps them nderstsmd people have gone out their way to get them for them. However I think it's perfectly ok not to write thank you cards too. The only exception is, for weddings when you rarely get thanked in person. We gave several hundred pounds to a relative who recently got married and I would like to know he got it I suppose.

In this case I absolutely wouldn't do it but would let the DH do it if he wants. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think the in laws asking for their thank you card is quite rude.

WhatIWant · 07/01/2018 10:33

Has your MIL sent YOU a thank you card for hosting putting up with her for 10 days? No, thought not

Youve fallen into the trap of thinking it's the MILs job to send the thank you card and not the FILs 😉
BTW The OP said that the PIL had sent a thank you card for hosting.

LockedOutOfMN · 07/01/2018 10:35

ILs are being unreasonable. DH should tell them that and remind them that the DC said thank you in person.

I send a thank you card to anyone who I've been to stay with so in this situation the ILs should actually be sending one to you...

WhatIWant · 07/01/2018 10:36

My Dad never asked for thank you cards from my kids and wouldn't care if he didn't get one but he was always delighted when he did. He would go on about it being 'nice' and 'proper' and that he thinks children should write thank you cards. I had to remind him that my siblings and I had never written a thank you card once when we were children.

Viviennemary · 07/01/2018 10:38

Seems like people in families either do or don't. And I agree asking for a thank you card is more impolite than not sending one. I'd say a verbal thank you is quite enough from children if everyone was present at the time.

Pleaseandthankyou · 07/01/2018 10:39

My username may give my opinion away 😀 . When my children were small I always got them to write a little note or a picture to older relatives. The grandparents always appreciated these. My thinking was that they had received a gift without giving anything in return and it was a token . Now they are older sometimes they do sometimes they don't. I know my dmil, who I love dearly, gets very hurt when she has sent presents to her grown up grandchildren and gets no acknowledgement. Having said all that I can't see why your DH doesn't help them write them

jaseyraex · 07/01/2018 10:43

Do people actually send thank you cards for every gift they receive? I've only ever sent thank you cards after my wedding!

stressedoutfred · 07/01/2018 10:44

We don’t send cards if presents are opened in front of the giver. In laws would disagree with that idea but I think it is unnecessary!

Lethaldrizzle · 07/01/2018 10:45

Presents should be given without expecting anything in return. I certainly do not expect friends and relatives to send me thank you notes and am not in the least offended

Alpacaandgo · 07/01/2018 10:45

I'm with you. Thank you card if present received and giver wasn't there, and no card needed if giver was there and had a thank you in person.

Also if a phone call is made and person thanked over the phone a card isn't necessary.

The idea of it is to say thank you. Which your dcs already did!

However, this could end up being a big deal to your pils and might just be worth sending them a quick drawing or something from the kids and you write thank you on it. they are being pathetic, but might not be worth the hassle to not do it.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/01/2018 10:46

If they do them in his family, then what's the harm in getting them to draw a picture and popping it in the post. Takes minutes and it obviously means a lot to them. You're home all day so surely can fit in.

MsHomeSlice · 07/01/2018 10:48

I cannot be doing with all this nonsense and I am very hot on manners....how many times must you thank someone for the same gift?
Thanks in person and a card as well?? MYNOTFINKSO!

...it's a one way track to a spiralling doom of sending a card to say thanks for your card, thanking me for my thank you card for that token gift of shitty biscuits when you know I am GF you sent me.

By all means contact an absent gift giver to say thank you, just so they know the gift arrived, but otherwise, no!

Londonlady2015 · 07/01/2018 10:49

My PiL are SO weird about thank you cards.

DS was two weeks old when they came to stay with us to meet him. FIL told us off for not finishing our thank you cards to everyone for baby presents. We’d actually only been home a week at that stage anyway and while i would absolutely send thank you cards, I have to say it wasn’t top of priority list right at the time.

Same on his 1st birthday. We had hosted family for the day and they were staying over in the evening. I finally flopped on the sofa and they remarked that I’d better be getting on with the thank you cards, I didn’t want to leave it too late. I thought they were joking. Their faces said otherwise.

Idontdowindows · 07/01/2018 10:51

I say let DH handle those. It's completely weird to expect thank you notes after the recipient has already said thank you. Thank you notes are for when the giver is not present when the present is received!

Ginmakesitallok · 07/01/2018 10:52

My family is pretty obsessed with thank you cards. We were invited to my aunts for tea last time we were home. I brought her a present and some flowers/wine to say thanks. My mum still insisted that I send a thank you card. When I told her I didn't think one was needed she said "oh never mind - I'll just add your names to mine..." I sent a card.

wonkylegs · 07/01/2018 10:54

We only send thank you notes to people we haven't been able to thank in person with the exception of my mother who has dementia she gets both a personal thank you and a letter but only because I'm not sure what has the most impact for her.

eggsandwich · 07/01/2018 10:55

God this reminds me of my Pil, expected a card after every gift was given even though the children had thanked them in person, it’s totally unnecessary.

My children at the time use to get the craft box out and decorate a card with glitter, foam stick on’s, little beads and jewels they were quite weighty when finished, I did once buy a pack of thank you cards and they didn’t go down well and was told they were impersonal and they preferred the home made ones that took the children a long time to complete as they were 3 and 4 years old at the time.

In the end a couple of times some of their thank you cards my Dh sent he forgot to put stamps on them and the pil would have to collect and pay for them at the sorting office, needless to say they now accept a simple thank you by phone or in person.

NataliaOsipova · 07/01/2018 10:56

I am the queen of the thank you card....to the point that it's a bit of a joke among my family and friends. But if you've opened a gift in front of someone and expressed thanks and appreciation at that point? Not necessary to send a card. Nice to do so if you feel so moved, sure. But not necessary at all.

LostSight · 07/01/2018 10:57

It woukd be nice for one to be sent if PIL and DH want it to happen. So you should make it clear to DH now that they’re his children, his parents, and that it’s also his responsibility.

Don’t get yourself landed with his family’s shitwork. Start as you mean to go on. Otherwise there’ll be years of trouble down the line when you forget because your own family rules are different (aka more reasonable and easygoing).

Joinourclub · 07/01/2018 10:58

I am doing the kids thank you cards today. Better late than never! All presents were opened in front of the givers, but I know the various grandparents etc will really appreciate a card.

Rachel0Greep · 07/01/2018 11:00

DH can send them.
I don't think it is necessary tbh, when they have been thanked in person and have seen the children playing with the gifts.

LostSight · 07/01/2018 11:01

Grin @ eggsandwich. Did you miss out the apostophes around the word ‘forgot’ or did you just get lucky with your husband’s absent-mindedness.

Vitalogy · 07/01/2018 11:03

I agree with you OP.

campion · 07/01/2018 11:04

It's an obsession with some people. They don't see how gratitude and delight are expressed when the present is handed over and opened or feigned as yet another completely crap,charity shop-bound present is received. Bitter?.

Get your DH to do them. His parents his problem. He'll soon realise the joy of getting small children to 'write' thank yous.

BTW. ..you need more than a thank you card for hosting your PIL's for 10 days. You need a luxury break!