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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t send thank you cards if

240 replies

SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:00

The gifter was present when you opened the gift? We’ve just had pil to stay for 10 days over Christmas and new year. They went home on Tuesday and this morning dh got a text to let him know they hadn’t received thank you cards from dc’s yet.

Dc’s are 5 and 2 but are expected to write a card/ draw picture in order to give thanks for presents that pil watched them open, heard them say thank you for and then watched them play with. I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this. I’ve sent thank you cards (written by myself with dc1 writing his name in) to relatives that sent presents but pil were there! So they don’t need a thank you card surely?

Please tell me I’m not the only one to think this is madness. And that if dh thinks it is reasonable he can bloody well do it himself.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 07/01/2018 18:48

I'd message them saying that you're so sorry that dh didn't get the children to write thank you cards and that you'll make sure he does them with them. And tell your dh that they're his parents and it's not your bloody job.
Being prompted for a thank you card when a thank you has already been given would piss me off tbh.
I got an email off a relative of dh's reminding me to thank them for an awful gift they had sent (half used toiletries). I actually was going to think them but just wasn't aware of their very short deadline. It really annoyed me. If someone didn't thank me for a gift I'd be a bit Hmm but I wouldn't contact them demanding my rightful thanks. It's crazy behaviour imo and makes you look a right arse!
Not that any of this applies to you op as your children did thank them just not enough/in their preferred format.

extinctspecies · 07/01/2018 18:48

I am a stickler for thank you letters or cards.

However, I agree with the OP that it's just not necessary if the giver was there when the present was opened.

And I would never dream of asking or reminding the recipient that I expected a card (but might inwardly seethe a bit).

Which reminds me I need to nag DS to write to his godmother before he goes back to Uni tomorrow ...

Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 19:09

llang it’s not just a brief ‘thanks’ as I walk out the door after I stay with people. I thank them properly for their hospitality - I praise their house, their food and the softness of the beds. Then I curtsey and kiss their hands possible exaggeration. I just don’t feel the need to then put it into writing and post it to them.

OP posts:
extinctspecies · 07/01/2018 19:41

I always send a thank you card if I've stayed the night at someone's house, except for my mum, whom I will text.

If we go to dinner at someone's house, text the next day or card depending how formal it was.

Wh0KnowsWhereTheT1meG0es · 07/01/2018 19:49

No one who has spent the night at my house has ever sent a card or note afterwards.

BetterWithCake · 07/01/2018 20:05

I had SIL moaning to DH that she didn’t have a thank you from my DCs. They actually skyped her on Christmas Day specifically to say thank you. Does she really need a card from them on top of this? I don’t send cards but will always call, text or email or get DCs to do this for presents they’ve received.

TractorTedTed · 07/01/2018 20:17

@grandoldduke actually the poster who said she's never written a thank you card in her life then went on to say she was always taught to write proper letters!

So I think her thank you letters probably trump any thank you card and she therefore isn't rude at all Grin

Llangollen · 07/01/2018 20:19

I just don’t feel the need to then put it into writing and post it to them.

Up to you, many people will find you extremely rude but will be too polite to make any comment

TractorTedTed · 07/01/2018 20:20

But actually I agree with you op. Thank you cards /notes/letters are important if you haven't seen the giver. If they saw you open the present and you said thank you at the time, then surely that's sufficient.

However, it looks as though you'll be stuck with writing them for your pils if they are insistent. The good thing is that it won't be long before your dc can write their own!

treaclesoda · 07/01/2018 20:25

I've never written a thank you card either for run of the mill things like Christmas or
birthdays, nor have I ever received one. My manners are just fine. Not sending a card is not the same as not thanking someone.

I think the 'it's just basic manners' argument is verging on being a little bit offensive too. From reading mumsnet it seems that thank you cards/letters are an English tradition? So it's sort of implying that other, non English people, have no manners. Which isn't fair. They mostly have perfectly good manners, they just don't happen to agree with you on what those good manners are.

boingbat · 07/01/2018 20:40

I think it's a nice idea to send a Thank You card and my children love to do them at the moment too. It also passes a bit of time during the school holidays! However I do always wonder why Children are expected to write them have PIL sent thank you cards for their gifts?

ginplease8383 · 07/01/2018 20:51

I always send thank you cards. My DD are 1 & 3 so I send a thank
You card with a pro pic of them both on there. When I buy gifts I always appreciate a card so think it’s only polite

Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 21:06

llang I can assure you my family and close friends don’t find me extremely rude Wink

OP posts:
Llangollen · 07/01/2018 21:10

if your child goes to spend a weekend or week away on holiday with some friends, you wouldn't make them write a thank-you card to the family? If it's true, I find it odd.

missiondecision · 07/01/2018 21:14

You pils are bored shitless and want a card to look forward to. Send them one .... full of glitter.

Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 21:23

I don’t know llang, my dc’s are 5 and 2 so don’t ever stay with anyone without me. We stay with my dm and before we leave we’ll probably all take her out for lunch or something to say thank you. I think my dm would be confused if she then received a note reiterating the point a few days later.

OP posts:
Llangollen · 07/01/2018 21:29

That's the perfect age to do thank you card! Keeps them occupied for an hour or two on a rainy day I am in England, it's raining all the bloody time in this country
My parents love receiving mail from the kids, bits to keep, letters are getting too rare nowadays.

I even got letters from foreign exchange pupils, it seems quite usual.

OlafLovesAnna · 07/01/2018 21:43

My DHs family are a bit obsessed with reams of grateful thanks via phone and letter (in fact I think they may not be speaking to me as I did not ring them on my birthday to say thanks for the bar of soap) despite the fact that although they paid the money via Amazon for the DCs gifts I had to collect them from the sorting office, wrap them up and write the labels.

Anyway, I go on to picollage add text saying thank you to a collage of pics of the DC and off it goes in the post. My own family are happy with a text or fb message thank goodness!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 07/01/2018 21:52

My great aunt used to like to receive thank you cards. As I got older I realised that it wasn't about the thanks, but the card - she was sentimental and kept everything in a scrap book. My (frankly dreadful) drawings were all displayed on her kitchen wall, and the cards were an extension of that, a little note of love and affection. I don't make DS write thank you cards now usually, but when my great aunt was alive I carried on the tradition with him because it made her happy.

MsJuniper · 07/01/2018 23:53

I generally favour thanking in person or by card (not both) but my sister started doing them for both so now I feel like we have to.

Last year when DS was 4 I got him to write his name once, took a photo and printed on to lots of labels which I could then stick into cards. This year he's quite into writing so he was keen to write the cards himself but did run out of steam half way through so we have a few still on the list.

These are just short notes in mini cards though; I have a friend who makes her children write A4 page+ letters to me for every birthday and Christmas (and before they could write she did it herself "in their voice") - I find the whole thing very uncomfortable and stilted as they go into great detail about how much and why they love the present, how they will use it etc and it's so ott it makes me embarrassed as it's just a small gift usually.

It feels like there's a happy medium out there somewhere but due to everyone having slightly different ideas it has turned from something nice and positive into a minefield.

Julie8008 · 08/01/2018 00:48

Make a sound recording from DC saying thank you. Then send it to them via text.

You can keep the recording and just re text them it anytime its needed. should keep the nightmare in laws off your back.

wellhonestly · 08/01/2018 17:44

Different people do have very different ideas - e.g. my DM is very happy with a thank you in person, DMiL not so - she doesn't give a present in advance of the day, if she's not there on the day she will bring it so she can see it being opened, but she still wants a written card or letter as thanks.

However we used to go with the flow with DMiL and get the kids to write their thankyous. To be fair, DMiL also writes thankyous for the gifts she has been given.

Personally I think a "thankyou" is a thankyou - whether in person, by text, phonecall, email or letter. I don't think a spoken thankyou is in any way inadequate. But some things aren't worth stressing over if it keeps the peace.

Turquoise123 · 08/01/2018 17:44

Cards for everything in this house and husband supervises as many as I do - if not more.

I certainly receive than you's from people who opened their gifts in front of me - so maybe it's one of those things that depends on area ?

purplevamp · 08/01/2018 17:50

My children don't normally send Thank You cards. My DH sends an email to the inlaws to say thanks and includes the kids in that. My Dad normally rings up and the kids say thank you then. My Mum sees them opening them face to face so no thank you card needed there. This year my MIL said she wasn't going to give the kids anything for Christmas as she never gets a thank you card from them. Shock. But she did get DS2 a Game of Thrones colouring book and DD a hideous necklace as a token present!! DH got £60. DS1 and I got nothing!!!

BanyanChristmasTree · 08/01/2018 17:51

My DC are very polite when they receive a gift and say thanks there and then or on the phone. If I have to make a song and dance about a present then I'd rather they didn't send them any.