To think you don’t send thank you cards if

[SylviaTietjens]

The gifter was present when you opened the gift? We’ve just had pil to stay for 10 days over Christmas and new year. They went home on Tuesday and this morning dh got a text to let him know they hadn’t received thank you cards from dc’s yet.

Dc’s are 5 and 2 but are expected to write a card/ draw picture in order to give thanks for presents that pil watched them open, heard them say thank you for and then watched them play with. I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this. I’ve sent thank you cards (written by myself with dc1 writing his name in) to relatives that sent presents but pil were there! So they don’t need a thank you card surely?

Please tell me I’m not the only one to think this is madness. And that if dh thinks it is reasonable he can bloody well do it himself.

Llangollen why are you so angry? Lol. It's not about manners, the children said thank you in person when they were given the gifts.

Why do you think I am angry? I am amused by the "I am so busy because modern life* excuse. My kids have manners, and we still receive thank you cards, even from their little friends after their birthdays. I can disagree with some posters without being angry, can't you?

Thank you for this thread. Please DM me your address so I can thank you properly.

I’ll post you my address on a card decorated by my dc ohmy

Bit needy or posh PIL. Children thanked them personally for gifts when opened. No need for anything else.

I think they are being controlling. Just tell them that thank you cards are not something that's ever been necessary to do in your own family so that's why DH is in charge of sending them. Tell them you are happy to encourage your children to send them though, just as soon as they are old enough to drive to the post office.

They sent reminding you to send a thank you card? They'd be getting a Fuck Off card from me...

As a child i was forced to thank distant elderly relatives by phone...I found it excrutiating having to make conversation with someone i barely knew...every year i used to hope that they hadnt bothered to buy me a gift...
My own kids thanked the giver in person...sent a text or an fb message....writing cards is silly and a waste of time and stamps.

My kids had to return a present to a miserable aunt because they didn’t send a thank you note! Said aunt hadn’t bothered to find out how their two grandfathers were, one dying from terminal cancer and the other recovering from near fatal pneumonia (both in the same week). No note = presents requested to be returned. We are no contact now and she can stick her presents. (Shame she is a teacher and other poor children have to deal with her miserable ways).

I’m not saying either way is right or wrong, but I am surprised how many people don’t write thank you notes (in an eye-opening kind of way). We write thank you notes for gifts received, for adults and children, and receive them from most friends and family. And all of my DCs friends write them after birthday parties. I just thought it was something people did.

If I left it to my husband it wouldn't get done, and yes I think it is important as am grateful that people have thought of my children.

It is interesting, as several pp have pointed out, that this seems to be an obligation that applies in most cases just to children. I know some adults (including the OP's PILS) have been mentioned as writing thank you notes, but it still seems that for the majority, it is seen as somehow good for kids, but that grown ups don't need to bother or reciprocate. Which does make it seem more like a function of power than one of politeness.

Llangollen fuck off. I am far too busy in my busy job to waste my time on this shite. I don’t want to write or get my kids to write thank you cards. It’s Victorian. 65p & a load of paper that gets thrown into landfill for what? To keep some entitled idiot happy that your kid got the present they sent. I’d rather they didn’t bother if there are expectations attached. Digital technology exists for good reason & etiquette does evolve. I hate receiving thank you notes in the mail & resent sending them. A text if matters that much to others is perfectly sufficient in my eyes. Or stuff your gift.

I would never send a thank you card to someone I thanked in person, nor would I ever send a thank you card to someone who hinted and asked for one

My PIL are similar and send us messages to write thank you notes to other people who have sent us gifts. I find it intrusive and embarrassing to be chided when we are in our forties!

While I send texts or emails to siblings saying thanks for the children's presents, I have yet to receive one from them saying thank you for their gifts!

Nitrobetty1 what a perfectly written post to illustrate your point in a thread about manners. My kids are polite, and I can discuss my point without swearing and insulting other posters. You sound absolutely charming.

Ex StepMIL didn’t give birthday gift to one of my sons this year as ‘he didn’t say thank you last year’ he did but she is a mad 71yr old woman in a miserable marriage (I had the sense to leave her husband’s son). It was made worse by two of my sons sharing the same birthday, one opened his card/money gift, the other opened his empty card. Nasty cruel malicious spiteful cow methinks.

Well said Llangollen.

And to another PP, thank you letters aren't just for kids. I always write them too, for dinners or stays at people's houses, although I sometime send a text, depending on the context.

We send TU card/letter if giver is not there in person. If they are thanked at the time, then not - although it varies - if a bit of a frenzy so didn't thank properly at the time might.

I personally think it is just a question of manners, and showing appreciation. Thought has (in most cases) gone into the gift, and it's about recognising that. It also lets them know that the gift arrived safely.

I can understand OP why the demand might strike you as odd. It would me too. It could be your in-laws being controlling, or it could just be them reaching out, or feeling left out a bit. Who knows.

It's a pain in the butt, and, in the circumstances, don't give in and write a card if you don't want to. As your in-laws stayed for Christmas and saw them play with their presents, it really isn't necessary. But I would avoid turning it into a battle. Perhaps drop them a very short line yourself (or better get other half to) referring to how much they enjoyed Christmas, and their presents, and what they are up to now. Or phone. Don't make an issue out of it. If they bring it up again, just say they really liked the presents and that you thought they thanked them in person.

It may be if your in-laws don't see their grandchildren often, then may welcome a postcard or phone call from them or something from time to time. Perhaps you could encourage your children to send them something at some other time. But really you are not being unreasonable and , if pushed, I think it is quite in order to explain you only send TU letters where the giver was thanked in person.

Don't create a rod for your own back. On the other hand, ask yourself whether it is worth the agro. My guess is that it's about more than just the TU cards.

Your children are still very young. Mine discovered the ability to send post cards through the post online - which is what he now does on holiday - not the cheapest option - but yours could send a picture of themselves saying how much they enjoyed seeing their grandparents and telling them what they are up to now. Don't refer to the gifts if you don't want to - but could IMHO be £2 well spent if it heads off any friction and doesn't create a precedent.

But, no, YANBU if you just ignore.

This is what Debrett's says

I'm with you btw

I'd call and say 'oh my goodness I'm so sorry didn't you hear the children say thank you? And when X was playing with the Y? And X2 was playing with her Y? Didn't you see?'

Inferring they're ignorant for not taking notice for the personal thank yous but in a passive aggressive way 🙊

Quick email with photo from Xmas of kids or one of their drawings is enough. Is DH thinks it necessary he can do with kids and see how long a seemingly simple job can take with unwilling kids- win win 😀 And to ask for a card is weird and mean I wouldn't send one.

You are NOT bu!
I appreciate the gesture of thank you cards, it's a nice thing if you're that way inclined, if you haven't seen the sender to thank in person.
But I cannot stand the expectation of giving to receive. I give because I enjoy giving, when I receive a present in return, I am grateful. If I was doing it with terms and conditions, then I wouldn't bother as that's mean spirited.
PIL are doubly cheeky for putting a time frame on it, and triply cheeky as you've just spent your Christmas hosting them. All the effort you went to is null and void though, as your young children didn't put pen to paper, it would seem.

I agree with you, OP - there is no need to send a thank you card if you could thank in person.

Waste of paper - don't do it.