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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t send thank you cards if

240 replies

SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:00

The gifter was present when you opened the gift? We’ve just had pil to stay for 10 days over Christmas and new year. They went home on Tuesday and this morning dh got a text to let him know they hadn’t received thank you cards from dc’s yet.

Dc’s are 5 and 2 but are expected to write a card/ draw picture in order to give thanks for presents that pil watched them open, heard them say thank you for and then watched them play with. I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this. I’ve sent thank you cards (written by myself with dc1 writing his name in) to relatives that sent presents but pil were there! So they don’t need a thank you card surely?

Please tell me I’m not the only one to think this is madness. And that if dh thinks it is reasonable he can bloody well do it himself.

OP posts:
Peekaboo3 · 07/01/2018 16:20

@bunting9

My long distance friend, her DH and DS sent me a thank you and merry Christmas short video message for their gift (I do a family gift for them) on Christmas Day. Easy peasy and appreciated!

The OP's kids already thanks the grandparents - in person - when they gave them the gifts.

ElizaDontlittle · 07/01/2018 16:20

As a child I wrote thank you letters for all Christmas and birthday presents. As an adult I have shifted to 'opened when the giver wasn't there'. Which was all of my presents this year as I live by myself and was working over Christmas. When I get thank you letters from my friends' children they have pride of place on the fridge. They mean a lot to me. I'm a bit sad not to get any from my niece and nephews - sometimes my sister doesn't acknowledge things have arrived. But I'd never ask for one!

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 07/01/2018 16:28

Another little tip for those who want to passively-aggressively protest against excess sending of thank you cards, those silver-coloured stars you can get to sprinkle on tables for parties are very very annoying when placed inside the card so you don’t see them until you’ve opened it and they’ve gone all over the floor Wink

Capelin · 07/01/2018 16:45

My DC write thank you notes even if the giver was present when they opened it. It’s not a massive chore and it means a lot to some people.

grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 17:18

It is madness. PIL still expect this and DC are teens.

What should teenagers be exempt from showing any manners ?

grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 17:19

I don't want your gifts, if you want blood from me, for giving me a box of fucking Milk Tray.

Blood? Or a simple "thank you" Hmm

NataliaOsipova · 07/01/2018 17:23

Kids are brought up these days not to say thank you as if it's some kind of weakness to appreciate and acknowledge something given to them.

But they said thank you. When they were given the gift. To the person who had given it to them. The giver of the gift has been thanked, hopefully effusively and graciously. A card is not necessary.

On the other hand, my aunt sent some presents to my DCs via my cousin. A card is therefore required as she hasn't been personally thanked for her gift.

Eggzandbacon · 07/01/2018 17:30

@sweetenough my MIL also wanted thank you cards for the thank you card - fucking stupid

DH thinks they are a great idea and should be sent to everyone in his family - but I should do it - and I don't - so tough. So they have never been sent

I did spend a particularly hideous xmas at PIL once, like awful, MIL was horrid to me - DH kept going on and on about how I should send a thank you card. Made me realise how ridiculous they are when you are expected to send ones in those circumstances.

I did send them for baby/wedding gifts. We've actually stopped sending presents to many of his family members as we've never had any acknowledgement of them, a text would do.

bravobravo · 07/01/2018 17:38

They stayed for 10 days? Presumably you had to do the entertaining - where is your thank you card?

Aturkeyisnotjustforchristmas · 07/01/2018 17:39

My children alway send thank you cards. It's just good manners.

rcit · 07/01/2018 17:40

How fucking tiring. Does MiL not think you have enough to do with an autistic 5yo and a 2yo Confused

What you could do is take a photo of your dc1 and get dc1to put a message saying
“thank you”
“From dc1”
And then get it printed into lots of cards

These can then be handed out for all thank yous necessary with no further writing needed from your dc

Wh0KnowsWhereTheT1meG0es · 07/01/2018 17:42

Only sent if not opened in front of the giver here, no need to thank twice.

I also disagree with waiting till you’ve spent a giftcard so you can tell the giver what it was spent on, my DCs often hang onto them for months till they find something they really want, or add them to birthday money for something bigger.

Ohyesiam · 07/01/2018 17:46

We had this with pils , and I knew it would be up to me to do as OH works mad hours and is disorganised.
I explained to mil that in my family and the rest of the universe we only did thank you letters to people who weren't present for the present opening.

I wanted to say that I noticed they hadn't sent thank you notes to us in similar circumstances, but I held my tongue...

StepAwayFromGoogle · 07/01/2018 17:47

I detest thank you cards. I think they are unnecessary. When we receive them I always think it's an I-am-only-writing-this-to-show-how-very-well-mannered-I-think-I-am, it's not a genuine thank you. I don't give gifts to be thanked, I give gifts because I like or love the people receiving them. After the madness of Christmas I really don't fancy sitting down to write thank yous to everyone who bought 2 year old DD a present. It's not a quick task, it takes bloody ages. I'll thank them when I see them.

Emmastone123 · 07/01/2018 17:49

Grandoldduke I'm with you.

It's just laziness. It takes effort to write a note, buy stamps and post. I don't particularly enjoy it but it's POLITE!!!! People just make no effort nowadays. We sent individual thank yous to all 130 wedding guests - thanking them personally. It took us ages, my hand hurt and it was boring. BUT people make an effort, they buy a new outfit, they buy a gift, they travel, they should recieve a note. Regardless of how big or small you should send a note. And for god sake, teach your children how to do it. Life isn't a bed of roses, you sometimes need to do things that are boring.

sonjadog · 07/01/2018 17:53

Thank you cards seem like a huge waste of paper. I would refuse to send unnecessary ones on that basis alone. I agree with you, OP. They said thank you at the time and that is enough. If they hadn't been there, then a phone call would be nice, or an email with a photo of the kids playing with the toys saying how much they enjoy them. I would say no the cards, otherwise you will have to keep doing them forever.

perfectstorm · 07/01/2018 18:01

PIL still expect this and DC are teens.

Do they send them thank you cards for their presents, too? If so, then I don't see the age has anything to do with it? If you mean that they see no need to be polite themselves, but insist on thank you notes as some sort of hierarchy thing, then your frustration is really understandable. It needs to be reciprocal to be reasonable IMO.

Llangollen · 07/01/2018 18:21

we received a ‘thank you for having us card’ 48 hours after they’d gone home having stayed for Christmas.

that is the polite thing to do....Don't you thank friends when you stay over?

pigeondujour · 07/01/2018 18:25

My parents would think my sister had taken leave of her senses if they got a thank you card for their grandchild's present. It would be like my nephew having to write a thank you card to her, his actual mum, for his Christmas presents. I'd be embarrassed as a grandparent for the relationship to be distant enough to expect one.

Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 18:27

grandold I do instill manners in my dc - hence them saying thank you at the time. Also why I got them to help me write thank you cards for all the presents they received when the giver wasn’t present.

OP posts:
Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 18:29

llang yes of course I do. In person, at the time. If it’s someone I hadn’t seen for a while or I’m not overly close too I might send a card too. I wouldn’t send a card everytime I stay at my dm’s or my dsis’s because they’re family and I oils say thank you at the time.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 07/01/2018 18:33

I remember one year when d's went round to the mill's the day after boxing day and I found out she he got home she had put him on the phone to thank all the relatives on "her side" for his presents. We always helped him to send thank you letters anyway unlike her other son's kids, who have never thanked us, and to top it all she made him thank someone who hadn't given him a present!!

Topseyt · 07/01/2018 18:40

I fully agree with OP. They were thanked in person on the day, and that is perfectly sufficient.

I am glad and amused to see that we now have a few pearl clutchers joining the thread, saddened and despairing of the rest of us. Carry right on and enjoy yourselves.

I thank in person, by phone, by text and sometimes by email. If I have thanked in person on the day though then I do and send nothing else as I don't see the point in overkill and needless waste.

Llangollen · 07/01/2018 18:43

I think that a brief "thank you" when you are leaving after a stay with friends, when they have prepared your room, entertained you, and went through a lot of effort is a bit... off. Most people send flowers, or something,which is not necessary but a thank-you note is the least you can do.
A quick "thank you" is what you say after someone offers you a cup of tea.

All the kids around me send thank-you cards of some kind after we give them a gift, we even get some after birthday parties. It's not only polite, it's friendly and show appreciation for the effort made to give you a gift. I understand people who can't be bothered, but that's a bit entitled?

Llangollen · 07/01/2018 18:44

we now have a few pearl clutchers joining the thread, saddened and despairing of the rest of us.

did you mean to be so rude? Grin

I can't think of anyone who doesn't write thank-you notes, so it's not such an alien concept even in my working class world.