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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t send thank you cards if

240 replies

SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:00

The gifter was present when you opened the gift? We’ve just had pil to stay for 10 days over Christmas and new year. They went home on Tuesday and this morning dh got a text to let him know they hadn’t received thank you cards from dc’s yet.

Dc’s are 5 and 2 but are expected to write a card/ draw picture in order to give thanks for presents that pil watched them open, heard them say thank you for and then watched them play with. I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this. I’ve sent thank you cards (written by myself with dc1 writing his name in) to relatives that sent presents but pil were there! So they don’t need a thank you card surely?

Please tell me I’m not the only one to think this is madness. And that if dh thinks it is reasonable he can bloody well do it himself.

OP posts:
grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 12:27

What's going on with your parenting when it's taking 4 hours over 2 afternoons to get your kids to write thank you letters...
And why can't mum just organise the bloody thank you notes, hardly a hardship is it.
This thread makes me despair.

grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 12:33

I don't think I've ver written a thank you card/note in all my life

I don't think that's something to shout about

ReinettePompadour · 07/01/2018 12:38

I never send thank you cards if the giver is actually present at the time of giving. Only if a gift is sent which is never. Ive never received a gift without the giver being present.

At my wedding we thanked everyone individually for each gift as we received them (we didnt have a dump and run gift table), we then thanked them individually for being with us after the ceremony followed by thanking everyone individually as they left the reception venue. We still got complaints that people didnt get a thank you card they would throw away anyway Hmm

How many times do people need to be thanked to feel their gift is appreciated? Why do people feel they NEED a written thank you in addition to a verbal thank you?

Do people send 'thank you cards' for receiving a very nice or expensive 'thank you card' too?

Where do we stop hacking down trees to make cards that probably cant be recycled due to their decoration just to make Nanny/Auntie feel appreciated? Lets face it, Nanny/Auntie/Female are usually responsible for demanding 'thank you' cards.

A verbal 'thank you' should be sufficient for anyone giving a gift, even more so those people who chant 'we dont give to receive'.

WineAndTiramisu · 07/01/2018 12:41

And why can't mum just organise the bloody thank you notes, hardly a hardship is it

Why can't dad organise it seeing as it's his family and he wants it done...?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/01/2018 12:47

I hate thank you card etiquette, my mum is utterly obsessed and sends thank you cards for wedding invitations before the wedding has even happened Hmmshe also used to send a naice greeting card into my School when writing a sick note. Like one with a ladybird on the front. I used to rip the front off, so embarrassing!

Anyway, I do do thank you cards but TBH getting my 4yo to write other people's names and hers in 20 cards is a bit tiresome so I write most of them as she writes a few.

I find it a smidge narcissistic to insist on thank you cards. People who are desperate for a big displayable acknowledgement for something simple they do for their grandchildren (and should do) are fucking weird. Surely the pleasure is in giving?

grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 12:50

The mums a sahm so I'm guessing she spends more time with the kids to get it done first of all.
They may be his parents but it's also the children's grandparents and the woman's in-laws.
If she can't instil some good manners in her kids whilst being at home with them full time it's a pretty poor show isn't it.

SweetEnough · 07/01/2018 12:53

My mil does this! I think it's crazy unusual.

We got a thank you card for her birthday present, which she opened with us on her birthday. So I wrote a thank you card for her thank you card! Luckily she didn't reply with another.

We have however ensured the kids wrote a thank you card from all of them, even though they phoned on the day to say thank you. Although she wouldn't ask where it was, she'd definitely expect one.

YearOfYouRemember · 07/01/2018 12:57

We always send and receive thank you to and from the PIL even though we're all together when we open the gifts. It's just what we've always done and did it when the grandparent was alive too.

We've noticed it is a generational thing too but also just a manners one as we are the only ones in the family of the relevant generation to send thank you cards when we receive something. For example, we sent a gift to aunts and uncles, received thank you cards/email. When we've sent wedding and baby gifts to the cousins, no thank you at all.

Tringley · 07/01/2018 12:58

I don't think that's something to shout about

The one and only planet we have to live on is dying due to excessive waste. People who insist on trees being cut down and massive amounts of energy being used to produce paper that a redundant repetition of a thank you already received can be written on, need to go take a long hard look at themselves.

grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 13:05

A thank you note can be a thank you simply written on the back of a child's drawing or painting....or do you not let your kids paint or draw on paper because of the trees? Ffs.

ginandtonicthanks · 07/01/2018 13:22

@grandolddukeofyork is that you MIL?! You seem rather over-invested 😂😜

grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 13:29

No I'm young(ish) but am just flabbergasted by the rudeness of people - people are so determined not to say a simple thank you and come up with the most ridiculous reasons why they shouldn't - it's just plain fucking rude, it's bad manners, it's a bad example to set to their kids and if you know your mil/fil/auntie fanny or whoever appreciates a thank you then suck it up and just do it. Now we shouldn't be saying thank you cos it's wastes the planets resources.

Cambionome · 07/01/2018 13:31

Yabu for not insisting that your dh sorts out his own parents and their unnecessary expectations.

Really - put your foot down with him now or this will run and run.

Cambionome · 07/01/2018 13:33

grandolddukeofyork - his parents, his family's expectations, his responsibility.

Lethaldrizzle · 07/01/2018 13:34

I'm always slightly bemused when I receive thank you cards and they're generally from rellies I'm not that fond of and always from the female partner. Old fashioned bull.

Nomad86 · 07/01/2018 13:36

I agree but do it if I think that person would expect it. I don't exchange birthday/anniversary/valentine's cards with my DH for the same reason.

perfectstorm · 07/01/2018 13:47

At this age, that's bloody ridiculous. I make my 9 year old write thank you notes, and at 5 I'd get him to sign his name on a card I wrote, but at 2??? What on earth is the point?

I remember actively dreading Christmas and birthday presents from relatives because they were never worth the misery of writing letters. It's a social shibboleth my family took as seriously as your DH's does. It's important to have manners, I agree... but this is just silly when the kids are so small.

My grandmother was always militant about them and used to get enraged when they didn't arrive - yet she never wrote them to anyone younger! My mum and her siblings, her grandchildren. Even when we were middle aged or older. In fairness her sister, my great aunt, is scrupulous about them.

grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 13:57

I don't think anyone's suggesting the 2 percent year old wrote the card themselves Hmmthe parent should write it from them

perfectstorm · 07/01/2018 15:50

Yes, I realised that. I think that's ridiculous, frankly. A child too small to comprehend the concept of thank you letters does not need a social secretary.

I speak as someone who does make her older child write them. And as he is ASD and demand avoidant, that is hardly an easy task. I'm not saying they don't matter; showing appreciation for others is, in my view, a life lesson everyone needs to learn. But a mother writing a letter because her partner's parents want her to, pretending to be a two year old, is plain bonkers. It's not teaching the kids anything valuable.

I'd also say that these PIL do deserve thank yous because they write them. It's a two-way street here.

greenmagpie · 07/01/2018 15:55

I'd send the thankyou cards then get snotty if the PILs don't send the kids thankyou cards for the thankyou cards...

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2018 16:02

Personally I'd find it very strange to receive a thank you card if the person has already thanked me in person. I cannot get my head round why anyone thinks you need to thank people twice.

A thank you card is very clearly for when you're unable to thank the giver in person. Thanking them in person and then again in writing is moving past polite into bonkers territory.

Bunting9 · 07/01/2018 16:07

My long distance friend, her DH and DS sent me a thank you and merry Christmas short video message for their gift (I do a family gift for them) on Christmas Day. Easy peasy and appreciated!

brownelephant · 07/01/2018 16:11

people are so determined not to say a simple thank you and come up with the most ridiculous reasons why they shouldn't

but they have! in person!

CPtart · 07/01/2018 16:11

It is madness. PIL still expect this and DC are teens.

Peekaboo3 · 07/01/2018 16:12

Daft.

No way should your kids be expected to send a card. How silly, when they got the gift when their grandparents were there (and thanked them then - in person!)

Some people are just bloody ridiculous.

If someone ranted that I, (or my kids,) had not sent a thank you card for a gift, (when I thanked them personally when they gave it to me!) I would tell them not to get me anything else.

I don't want your gifts, if you want blood from me, for giving me a box of fucking Milk Tray. Hmm

@greenmagpie

I'd send the thankyou cards then get snotty if the PILs don't send the kids thankyou cards for the thankyou cards...

I fucking LOVE this ^ Grin