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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you don’t send thank you cards if

240 replies

SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:00

The gifter was present when you opened the gift? We’ve just had pil to stay for 10 days over Christmas and new year. They went home on Tuesday and this morning dh got a text to let him know they hadn’t received thank you cards from dc’s yet.

Dc’s are 5 and 2 but are expected to write a card/ draw picture in order to give thanks for presents that pil watched them open, heard them say thank you for and then watched them play with. I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this. I’ve sent thank you cards (written by myself with dc1 writing his name in) to relatives that sent presents but pil were there! So they don’t need a thank you card surely?

Please tell me I’m not the only one to think this is madness. And that if dh thinks it is reasonable he can bloody well do it himself.

OP posts:
ProseccoPoppy · 07/01/2018 11:06

We always do thank you cards unless it was something like a hosting gift (eg dinner guest brought flowers or a bottle). I’m not going to get stressed if someone else doesn’t (PILS don’t), but that’s my normal and it doesn’t feel “right” not to.

mrsquadsticles · 07/01/2018 11:11

Mine are like this too. Yet they NEVER thank/acknowledge gifts from us. FIL got a bit stroppy at Christmas with our eldest- said he’d not received a thanks for birthday money. Child got a bit upset, what if GD hadn’t received text? So I screenshot it and sent it to FIL (with his response). I had no response.

I find it really weird that they get so up in arms about it- but they don’t send thanks themselves. Isn’t it really weird to ‘ask’ for a thank you (when we all say thank you when the gift is given and send a text/photo or call once it’s opened too). I find their behaviour rude tbh and a snidely dig at my children/parenting. They’re constantly reminded about manners (I’m a STICKLER for good manners and everyone else, even complete strangers comment on how polite they are) and PIL seem to want to hear please/thank you when my children breathe or fart.

Piffle11 · 07/01/2018 11:13

No, I don't think it's necessary to send a thank you of any sort if a gift was opened by the recipient in front of the gift giver. One Christmas DH's aunt came and gave DC their gifts: I was looking for a school photo to give her and she said 'oh, just pop it in with their thank you card'. I guess she's still waiting.

PocketCoffeeEspresso · 07/01/2018 11:14

We don't do thankyou cards at all. My family never has - you thank if they're there in person, you say thankyou if they weren't when you next see them, otherwise, it's implicit, of course we're thankful for a gift.

DP's side I think did thankyou cards and 'official' thankyou phonecalls - but since I leave DP's family to DP, they don't get that from us any more.

It's just not everyone's tradition I think.

Dox · 07/01/2018 11:15

I accept that a written thank you is unnecessary when the gift was handed over in person but you sound resentful of doing thank you's at all. Also it's a little thing that means more to the GPs than it does to you.
I do notice when I get no acknowledgement of presents I have sent. (£50 in a 18th card last year not so much as a text).
However I've done the torture of standing over resentful DC and making them write thank yous. You have years of this ahead of you so I suggest you find a shortcut now that will do the job. There is an app for it Wink. That might make it fun?

Huntinginthedark · 07/01/2018 11:16

Agree with all the people on here saying it's up to your DH
If your parents were like this, you would make sure thank you cards were done for them wouldn't you. You wouldn't expect he would do them for you.
Ffs

Schlimbesserung · 07/01/2018 11:19

I've never sent a thank you card in my life (my grandmothers both considered cards instead of letters to be rude and impersonal when compared to "proper" letters). I was brought up to always write letters to thank relatives for gifts though and I still do that if the gift wasn't given in person. It doesn't really happen with my own children, simply because they don't really get anything from our wider families, just us and sometimes my parents.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/01/2018 11:19

This thread reminds me of my ex, who insisted in keeping the good tradition of sending cards no matter what. It was not only that cards needed to be sent for any gift or gesture regardless of the giver being present or not, it was ridiculous to the point that we used to spend the weeks before Christmas/Easter buying, writing and sending cards to the whole family on behalf of the whole family:

  • Cards from his sister to the rest of the family, as she had kids (kids!) and coukdn’t go to buy them/post them herself
  • Cards from his mum to all the family that had better reasons for not being able to get them and post them herself
  • Cards from his grandmother (Ditto)
  • Cards from all the children (nephews included to all the above, including their parents)
  • Cards from all of them to me (written by my ex to me on behalf of the others, who were as equally unbothered with cards as I was)
  • Cards from myself to his family, written by my ex, so they didn’t know how pissed I was about his intention to keep the cards flowing even when we ALL wanted him to stop.
MandaraSugar · 07/01/2018 11:21

IMO grandparents particularly like receiving thank you cards, regardless of whether they're handmade or not, present when gifts were opened or not, from DGC.

I'm a card fiend though and love sending them for many different occasions. PAPERCHASE ME UP!

Chrisinthemorning · 07/01/2018 11:25

Have you had a card from them to thank you for 10 days of hospitality? If they are sticklers for thank you cards this would be good manners imo.
I am very into thank you cards but I don’t usually do them for grandparents as they are there on Christmas Day and are thanked in person. I did it this year but that was because it is good writing practice for DS who is 5.

Huntinginthedark · 07/01/2018 11:32

@Chrisinthemorning
She said they did get a card

So if they're the types that need one, it makes life easier to do it. But it should be her DH

mostlysinging · 07/01/2018 11:41

My view is you need to thank the person for the present which can be done in person, over the phone or by writing (text, email, card). So the people who were there when the present was opened and thanked do not need a card as well.

And if you DH feels so strongly about it, he can sort it out!

Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 11:51

Dc1 is 5 and has autism and dyspraxia. He’s been back at school 2 days and already has a great pile of homework to do this weekend. I am not subjecting him to writing any more thank you cards.

I have written a thank you card (and said thank you for the thank you for hosting us card they sent Grin) and let dc2 scribble all over it to personalise it. Dh said he’d do it, but I know he won’t and pil will blame me for being rude so it’s easier just to bloody do it myself.

Anyway, I’m glad most people think it’s a bit bonkers to send cards when they were thanked in person. I’m curious to see if I’ll get a thank you for the thank you card thanking them for their thank you card. We’re keeping Royal Mail in business at least.

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 07/01/2018 11:59

Did your Pil buy shares in Royal Mail when they were privatised!

reallybadidea · 07/01/2018 12:07

Did they send a thank you card for the gifts you gave them this year or other years? If so I might have taken this as a cue to send one, although I agree with you that it is totally unnecessary. I also think it's extremely bad manners to request one from you and also a damn cheek of your DH to expect you to do it!

Aria2015 · 07/01/2018 12:08

I think it’s really important to thank people and I always make sure I send proper thank you notes for all occasions but my ‘rule’ is the same as you. You get a note if you didn’t have the opportunity to thank them in person. Your pils have had the pleasure of a personal thank you and seeing your lo’s enjoy their gifts, not sure why they need a card as well? In any case, if your dh thinks they should have one then get him to do them. I do my lo’s and it annoys me but I know if I left it to dh then people wouldn’t get thanked!

ferntwist · 07/01/2018 12:10

Sorry but I think your PILs are reasonable to expect thank you cards. We always did this. It shows appreciation and is a good habit to get your DCs into.

ginandtonicthanks · 07/01/2018 12:10

They are bonkers! Some people are never happy unless they're finding fault. Tell them you're not sending thank you cards this year, you're making a donation to help the homeless, sick children or one of the many charities who help people who really do have cause to complain!

KeepingMySpreadsheetUpToDate · 07/01/2018 12:11

feck that - i would be asking for no more presents!

Original poster
SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 12:16

reallybad they sent us a thank you card that we received 48 hours after they’d left - thanking us for having them, feeding them, giving them presents, taking them to a castle, the weather being nice, the decorations looking festive and about a hundred other things as well.

ferntwist I do get dc’s to help with thank you cards as much as I can (2 yo just scribbles all over everything but I get 5o to sign his name). They are both polite, said thank you at the time and I think that is enough. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting thank you cards at all, just notcwhen they’ve already been thanked in person.

OP posts:
CottonEyeJosephine · 07/01/2018 12:18

We do thank you cards for all Christmas and birthday presents, whether the giver was present when it was opened or not. Christmas in particular can be quite frenetic so I find it useful to sit down with DS to remember who gave him what and help him appreciate it.
I don’t ever expect thank you cards back though, and certainly wouldn’t demand one.

grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 12:19

Why is everyone so damn rude these days. You're a sahm and can't be bothered to send a thank you card even though you know it's important to them. Unbelievable.

grandolddukeofyork · 07/01/2018 12:20

Kids are brought up these days not to say thank you as if it's some kind of weakness to appreciate and acknowledge something given to them.

scoobydooagain · 07/01/2018 12:21

I'm pretty strict on getting my ds to do thank you cards but if opened in front of givers and thanked then, I wouldn't.
Be careful on taking on what should be your dh's work, I spent 4 hours over 2 afternoons to get my ds to write 5 thank you cards, don't let your husband welch on his side and leave you for several years to be the nagging one!

Emmastone123 · 07/01/2018 12:26

I always write thank you cards, regardless of if the gift was opened in front of the giver or not. I will teach my son to do the same and write notes on his behalf until he is able to do so himself.

It was how I was brought up and I believe it to be the most polite thing to do.

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