Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

295 replies

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:25

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

OP posts:
Shmithecat · 06/01/2018 11:28

Dh and I have been together 10 years and he has never bought me something I haven't told him to... I usually just get a lump of cash in my account now. Suits me. At least I know I like what I'm getting!

Booboobooboo84 · 06/01/2018 11:29

What a twat. Unless he is crazy busy there’s no excuse.

BastardGoDarkly · 06/01/2018 11:31

Yanbu, or grabby.

He can't be arsed can he?

Surely if you discussed what you wanted for Christmas (that he didn't bother getting) he's got some idea?!

I'd be really quite hurt at this op.

KhalliWali · 06/01/2018 11:31

Some men are just crap at present buying. My DH is rubbish. However, he is a brilliant husband in all other respects and you can't have everything. The way I see it, I am not a child, I am a grown-up. With a job. If I want something I'll buy it for myself.

JassyRadlett · 06/01/2018 11:32

Sounds like he put more thought and effort into his excuses for not getting you a Christmas present than he is willing to expend on actually getting you a present.

Which makes him an arse, especially when he knows how much it means to you.

Backingvocals · 06/01/2018 11:34

I expect more of my 11 and 8 yos. I am a single parent and every year my two save up some pocket money and go and buy me something. The fact that they sometimes have to ask me for money to buy me something and that they often buy something that they secretly want doesn’t change the fact that they are thinking about me and how to make my birthday nice Wink

He’s a lazy thoughtless arse.

waffilyversati1e · 06/01/2018 11:34

this is about more than just presents and I totally get it. Yanbu.

If this is a big deal to you though I would seriously consider your relationship. 2 years in seems awfully quick for him to be so thoughtless .

Lethaldrizzle · 06/01/2018 11:34

For me, giving someone I love a gift, is an act of love and appreciation, so putting thought and effort into choosing something they will like is all part of it. So there is no way i would be happy with just money, for older kids maybe but not spouses. A little bit if effort means so much more.

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:34

Booboo- he says he's crazy busy but apparently he has hours to spare on an Xbox Hmm

OP posts:
ThatsWotSheSaid · 06/01/2018 11:36

Could you send him some links to a few different thing then he can choose one. So it's your suggestions but still a surprise.

Osolea · 06/01/2018 11:37

Not being arsed with shopping doesn't mean that he's not arsed about you. Send him an internet link to something you'd really like and let him do it the easiest way possible. If he can't be bothered to click on a link and make an order, then yanbu to complain, but otherwise, put it into perspective. If he's thoughtful and considerate in other ways, then being crap at present buying isn't really a big deal.

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:38

Jassy- it totally felt that way, excuses ranged from 'I didn't know you celebrated christmas' (not sure why he thought the place looked like a fucking gingerbread house then and I celebrated it last year) to 'I haven't had time' (see Xbox above) and the 'I know you like no one else' (but I don't know what gift you might appreciate). Aargh.

OP posts:
rightsaidfrederickII · 06/01/2018 11:38

I could have written this a year ago, though he thought he'd discharged his responsibility by buying me a £3 piece of Tupperware when we'd agreed a £20 budget each!

With 20/20 hindsight it was a symptom of his total lack of respect for me, which culminated in a very messy break up (his choice) a few months later.

How is he the other 11 months of the year? Are things getting better, worse or about the same? No need to answer that question here, but you need to think about it for yourself.

Sorry OP Flowers

lynmilne65 · 06/01/2018 11:38

He's a bloke!!!

OhOfCourse · 06/01/2018 11:38

Stop getting him presents. I did that now every special occasion I get a present!

JassyRadlett · 06/01/2018 11:39

Could you send him some links to a few different thing then he can choose one. So it's your suggestions but still a surprise.

This is such a cop out for him though. I get the feeling the OP doesn’t care as much about the actual item she receives, rather she’s hurt that he can’t be arsed to put any time and effort into trying to get her something nice.

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:39

I did send him a link to something but he doesn't have an account with that site so could I just order it. I guess that's fair enough, I wouldn't want to sign up to Wish or Amazon or what have you for one gift.

OP posts:
MrsEl · 06/01/2018 11:41

YANBU! He should at least be making an effort to buy you something, so you feel appreciated and loved. I'm sure you'd even appreciate a bunch of flowers and chocolates than nothing? He could take you shopping so you can pick something and treat you to lunch?

I've been upset with DH before as he never gets me anything for Valentine's Day (not even a card) when he knows that I love it and I always get him something.

(Most) Men really are clueless!

Newrules · 06/01/2018 11:42

Can’t you just say, I would like a .....
from ......

Anyone can make an account online in a minute.

lostinspaceyetagain · 06/01/2018 11:43

I'm sure you'd even appreciate a bunch of flowers and chocolates than nothing?

God no. Flowers require effort and care and I don't like chocolates. I would much rather nothing than flowers (which are an everyday item) or chocolates.

JassyRadlett · 06/01/2018 11:43

He's a bloke!!!

I don’t know if a Y chromosome renders a person less capable of thoughtfulness or the ability to spend 10 minutes on the John Lewis website or similar.

I must know some exceptional blokes who haven’t bought into that sort of bullshit.

whoareyoukidding · 06/01/2018 11:44

I agree with the others: send him a few links for things you want otherwise you'll just spend year after year being disappointed.

Pseudousername · 06/01/2018 11:44

I fucking hate the whole "some blokes are crap" mentality. What a load of shit.

It's nothing to do with having a penis and everything to do with someone close to you putting five minutes thought into giving - just a token gift - that shows that they care about you enough to bother trying.

And as for "he's a bloke!!!" I'll just assume that's an attempt at goady baiting for an argument and will ignore.

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:45

Feeling somewhat vindicated now just a bit sad. For the PP who asked what he's like the rest of the time...it's ok. Not great. I often find myself wanting more.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 06/01/2018 11:46

Hear hear, Pseudo.

Any bloke who can’t be arsed to sort out a present for someone who enjoys getting presents without being spoon fed weblinks really is a bit of a twat.