Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

[MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose]

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

You’ve only been together two years and he’s already forgotten Christmas as well as sulks if you don’t respond in the right way. This won’t get better, this is as good it’s going to get. You can do better.

Well my DP and I live together but have recently separated. We mostly just stay out of each others way. He does still make me coffee in the morning though (it's terrible and he doesn't drink it so he has no idea) and we ask if either wants food etc.

I'm actually probably going to suggest not separating after this thread though. I left a man who wouldn't make a tea, or a sandwich even if he was making one for himself and do and I are separated and this man and he's still making me coffee.. what?

OP, you need consideration and your DP doesn't have it in him.

I can't physically leave because of our joint housing sitch Does not being able to leave today mean you have to stay forever and ever?

What has to happen for you to stop living together? Hand in notice to a landlord? Sell?

YANBU. What an inconsiderate bell-end.

All I can think of is that you treat him the same. Get him FUCK.-ALL for Christmas next year. And fuck-all for his birthday. Why should you, when he can't be arsed with you?!

I have found (over the years,) that when you start treating people the way they treat you (the ones that treat you like crap,) they don't like it at all!

Weird really, as it seems ok for them to treat other people like crap.

@lynmilne65

'He's a man!'

So what?

Is it OK to not give a flying fuck about anyone if you have a penis and a fucking ballbag?!

If you have daughters, I sincerely hope you don't project this awful attitude towards them!

What's the housing issue? Because he needs dumped.

Honest to God, I’m gobsmacked at the lazy pandering to men/sexism on this thread! Who cares if he’s a bloke? How does that make someone incapable of buying a gift?

One would assume the housing issue is either co-owners or tenants.

I can't move out of here because we are both tenants, he can go to his mums but neither can afford to live here alone and I wouldn't expect him to pay half for somewhere he doesn't live.
If we hand in notice we lose the £1000 deposit which I doubt anyone could afford to lose.

If OP is a joint owner then that's even more complicated.

He simply doesn’t love you enough to actually care that you might be upset or hurt by something he has done. He cares about his feelings over yours. That’s not love.
This is exactly the realisation I came to about my exH when I kept going over if there was anything I could have done to have kept us together. There were many many little and some not so little, instances where I or my feelings should have come first but didn’t.
My “favourite” was when after spending 3 weeks in New Zealand with work when I was 8 months pregnant with our first (and only!), he arrived back 7 days before my due date, one day after I finished working full time, to present me with a Tiffany jewellery box. I love their jewellery and excitedly opened it to find a silver teething ring and him laughing away at the great joke he had played on me, what with me thinking I had got a present and all that. A year later I discovered he had been due back the day before he actually arrived but decided it was the perfect time to do some sightseeing in Hong Kong. We didn’t last long after that.

'Honest to God, I’m gobsmacked at the lazy pandering to men/sexism on this thread! Who cares if he’s a bloke? How does that make someone incapable of buying a gift?'

This. Or, 'he's crap at it.' That means he's crap at actually trying to consider what you might like, or ask you, and being thoughtful. That's twat behaviour.

He’s a “brilliant dad” though.

No he’s not. A brilliant dad models good relationships for his children.

BertrandRussell I silently scream every time I read that statement as it is always posted after a litany of thoughtless and sometimes downright awful examples of how this "brilliant dad" treats his wife/partner and mother of his children.

I would actually prefer that Dr Zhivago vase to some of the things suggested as nice gifts upthread- certainly don't want any Molten Brown, not a fan at all. I often find some of the things people suggest as allegedly thoughtful gifts are just a more expensive form of tat.

But yeah, this is nothing to do with him being a bloke. My DH is still better at presents than I am, despite him being apparently disadvantaged by his penis.

And lastly, the more OP posts, the clearer it is that this present thing is a drop in the ocean compared to the way DP behaves. That flowers and trees incident is absolutely awful. I would be saying exactly the same thing even if he had got you a lavish and expensive present for Christmas OP.

Re the housing, do you rent or own?

Oh, yeah, 'he's a loving, kind, caring partner' . . . who also behaves like an utter cunt.

Do you have a child with him OP? I can't see you've mentioned it anywhere but I just read the 'brilliant dad' reference above.

If you don't, then whatever the housing situation you can at least end the relationship and work towards a point where you never have to deal with him again. The examples you've given of his lack of consideration for you are overwhelming. He really cannot be arsed to care for you in any way. Don't settle for this.

When he said he loved his presents from you, did you say 'Great, so when will I be getting mine?' ?

DH and I have been married for 30 years. Over the years we've 'evolved' into pretty much only getting each other Xmas gifts. Birthdays, anniversaries, etc are usually just a card and dinner or we agree that we'd rather use the money towards our next trip (we RV) rather than a gift. Occasionally we'll mention something around our anniversary or a birthday and the other will say 'go order it'. It sort of happened during the 'lean years' when there simply wasn't the money. We'd buy small gifts 'from the children', but not from each other. It works for us. It's not that we don't love or appreciate each other, it's just that there are more important ways (to us) of showing it. I will say, though, that if either one of us truly felt that gift giving was very important and that not to give/receive reflected on the 'quality' of our relationship, we'd do gifts.

So, OP, you need to decide if he's worth changing your feelings about giving/receiving gifts. If it's that important to you, obvs he should do it and I'm not saying you are wrong or that you should change, not at all. Just that he obviously doesn't feel it's all that important. Would he be upset if you started to 'match' his gift giving 'philosophy'? Could he feel that gift giving isn't a gesture of love, that love is better shown in other ways? Or is he just a lazy ass who expects gifts but can't be arsed to return the favour?

I'd suggest you have a sincere talk with him not about your disappointment, but about what gift giving means to him and decide if you can live with (and match) his 'philosophy' OR if he's just an inconsiderate prick who expects to be given gifts but CBA to reciprocate, in which case LTB.

We're joint tenants so I can't just extricate myself, we have no DCs though.

Haven't RTFT, however, I have some degree of sympathy for the guy. A similar thing applies to my mother and I. She did a hell of a lot for me growing up, bailed me out many times when I was younger and is just generally the salt of the earth.

But she is utterly, utterly impossible to buy for because she just doesn't want anything. I've always struggled (as does her partner) to get her something meaningful for Christmas (and her birthday) - it's harder than a lot of people realise. "She must want something" they'll say. "Just get your thinking cap on" they'll say. It's not always that easy. This year I was fucking DETERMINED to get her something that actually had meaning. I bought her some 1960's fairy lights (very, very, very rare ones) because I knew she had some when she was growing up and we are a bit of a "they just don't make 'em like they used to" kinda family. They went for a SHOCKING price but I won and she was delighted because she knew I'd put thought into it. She has no idea how much they cost, she probably thinks about £50 or so, but oh boy is she wrong!

Anyway, I digress, slightly different situation but not entirely. Point being it can be done but it's not always easy.

Take a good look at the terms of your lease. Can either of you afford the rent on your own?

My niece found herself in a similar situation neither she nor her ex-fiance (mutually agreed upon split) couldn't afford the place on their own. They went out and found a new tenant amongst their co-workers and 'presented' them to the landlord with a request to break their tenancy.

What do you think his reaction would be if you told him you wanted to split?

edit: neither she nor her fiancé could afford the rent!

'We're joint tenants so I can't just extricate myself, we have no DCs though.'

You can still tell him it's over. He might be able to find another tenant. Or you might. He's a loser.

"The more I write out the more he just seems like a dick."

I'm sorry to say so but yes he really does. The sulking stuff and expecting you to smooth him over all the time when it's him whose fucked up is worse than the presents stuff and all a consequence of the same thing - as you say - he's a dick.

What's the housing situation there must be a way out, maybe not immediately but you can work something out surely.

It once took me two years to get a boyfriend to move out but the relief when he went! And he wasn't even a dick.

'Difficult to buy for' is a red herring here Rhubarb - if you had RTFT you'd see that's not the issue. But even if it was, my
DH is difficult to buy for, but the difference is he accepts what he gets graciously, and he makes an effort to get me thoughtful things, rather than making excuses about why he didn't.

Butter

It isn't a red herring because it's not a deliberate attempt to redirect the conversation to a less important issue. I said I hadn't RTFT and was obviously responding to the OP. I could see from a cursory glance at this page that the conversation had moved into a slightly different area but I wanted to add my post anyway.

Grown men on x boxes are pretty unattractive as well

YANBU at all. Effort and thought counts for a lot.