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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

295 replies

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:25

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/01/2018 17:28

Firstly Happy Birthday, Tudor Rose (and Happy Birthday Ptumbi) Grin

He's not sad because he's losing you - if that were the case he wouldn't have lost you because he would have been a decent partner. He's sad because your leaving is going to impact his lifestyle and how very dare you no longer make him the centre of your universe? He's a twat and I'm sorry OP but I'm very happy that he's sad. Grin

You're going to have a crappy birthday today I think, but this will be the last rubbish one that you have. The world's your oyster and this time next year you'll look back on this, remember that you were posting here and thank your lucky stars that you had the guts to end it and get out.

Here's to you, TudorRose GlitterballCakeWineGinThanksGrin

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2018 17:29

He's sad he will have to do all the housework and won't be free loading any more gifts from you lovely
Whilst never putting his hand in his pocket for you. 💐

YouTheCat · 08/01/2018 17:31

He is sad because he's lost his maid and cashcow. You're doing the right thing.

Arkangel · 08/01/2018 17:33

I think most of us that have been in this situation could tell you he's not sad you're leaving. He's thinking of all the things he's going to have to do by himself.
My ex partner did this. For a week before begging on his knees for me to stay when he realised I was in fact leaving.

If only he had put even half of the effort he put into looking sad into our relationship!

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 17:36

'Well. It's over. I told him he'd made me feel like shit and I wasn't putting up with it anymore. Am packing up now. He is being quiet but is also clearly very sad, so now I feel guilty and confused :/'

NO WAY! He's a twat, OP. He's a fucking miser, he puts you down, sees you as a domestic appliance who also pays half the bills whilst he negs you for work part-time, a thoughtless cock who CBA'd and is too tight to buy you a fucking Christmas present. THE only thing that should confuse you is why you stayed with him for so long.

He makes you feel like shit.

He's sad because he doesn't have you to mooch off, wash his socks, kick about and warm his bed.

GeekyWombat · 08/01/2018 17:43

Happy birthday Tudor Rose and Ptumbi

Hopefully next time your birthday rolls round you will have a much much happier one.

UpABitLate · 08/01/2018 17:49

Happy Birthday OP!

And it is guttign but don't let his sadface change your mind. If you start to waver just read this thread back and remind yourself how he has treated you. This will NOT CHANGE.

Good luck with the move, will your family have you back for a bit while you get on your feet again? - What about your job?

Good luck you are doing the right thing xx

Ellie56 · 08/01/2018 17:58

Don't feel guilty. Think about all the times he's made you feel crap:

He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings.

Feeling somewhat vindicated now just a bit sad. For the PP who asked what he's like the rest of the time...it's ok. Not great. I often find myself wanting more.

No, I'm not happy. I find myself getting jealous of my friends when their partners are thoughtful at Christmas or Valentine's (another one he doesn't 'do')

Writing this has made me feel really sad and fucked off about his previous form as well now. I felt gutted last Valentine's when I got ready to go out and he'd forgotten to book the restaurant he'd categorically said we were going to dinner at two weeks previously.

He knows it isn't just a 'holiday' for me and carries real religious significance too which he takes the piss out of. Was deeply saddened at the time and still am. He seems to think a lot of things I enjoy are stupid.

the thing that made me incandescent with rage during that talk was the 'we'. There is NO WE,

I feel like noting I do will ever be 'right' and it's exhausting

I'm sitting here in tears now because I feel like a fucking mug.

He's only sad because you will no longer be paying out for him and washing his pants.

Well done OP. Now go out and celebrate your birthday, dumping the twat, and all the money you'll be saving in the process.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/01/2018 18:13

I know this sounds odd OP but I think you will look back on this as a very happy birthday, one where you gave yourself the gift of strength and freedom Thanks

I wish I could come round and whisk you out for a glass of fizz

Don't feel guilty. He has nobody at all to blame for this but himself, by being a dick. After 2 years and just living together it shouldn't be about rows and crying. It really shouldn't

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 08/01/2018 18:47

I guess I know that intellectually but it's completely gutting to think he's only really sorry he's losing his maid :( he's been crying so maybe he actually is realising he would miss me as a person?

OP posts:
Gottabenow · 08/01/2018 18:51

Did he have any plans to take you out on your birthday? Or was chucking you your present enough?

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 18:53

'I guess I know that intellectually but it's completely gutting to think he's only really sorry he's losing his maid sad he's been crying so maybe he actually is realising he would miss me as a person?'

He misses the person he could manipulate and kick around. Of course he's crying now. Don't fall for it. He's been showing you who he is for years. He won't change. I'd get out of there asap. Oh, and no more paying half the bills. Fuck him. I'd give him in proportion to earnings and wouldn't do a fucking thing for him in the house.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2018 18:55

Oh lovely please don't take his tears as a sign he's SO sorry and make yourself stay, your going over old ground constantly, and the outcome has never changed,

He threw your self bought present at you to shut you up, none of his woe is me is real, anyone who had half a brain would,not allow the love of his life to get to this point, so hind with hind sight maybe your not to him!

Koko 💐

NeilPetark · 08/01/2018 18:55

He probably thought you’d never actually leave.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/01/2018 18:57

They are crocodile tears. Ask yourself how many tears he's made you shed in the last 2 years and how much he cared about that

Clutterbugsmum · 08/01/2018 19:11

He crying as he knows he will have to clear his shit up.

Don't be fooled by the tears, he wasn't upset when you told him how he made you feel did he.

UpABitLate · 08/01/2018 19:32

Well the poor bloke has had a shock, of course he's crying.

Men like this never think you will actually up sticks and go.

He's feeling sorry for himself is all. Soon it will be "why are you doing this to me?".... All your fault for being so mean you see.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/01/2018 19:38

Don't be fooled - and go as quickly as you can, because men like this sometimes switch from tears to violence if the tears aren't working.

Good luck. Here's to the lovely new life that's out there waiting for you.

CoraPirbright · 08/01/2018 19:41

Don't let his "sadness" put you off your stride. His pity is for himself - he is realising how badly he has fucked up, that you are awesome but now leaving, he will lose out financially, domestically, sexually....

WELL if he'd been less of a selfish arse hole then you wouldn't be leaving, would you?!

Dare to dream of a different life - one where you are cherished & respected. Treated as an equal. Best of luck in 2018.

dorislessingscat · 08/01/2018 19:41

Well done OP.

He should be sad. He's fucked up and he knows it.

Doesn't make him a different person.

OptimisticHamster · 08/01/2018 19:49

Don't let the tears confuse you. Escape while you can!

OptimisticHamster · 08/01/2018 19:49

Happy birthday :)

DriggleDraggle · 08/01/2018 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mehhh · 08/01/2018 20:02

Yanbu has should get you something

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/01/2018 21:45

Is he sad enough to have actually done his fair share of the housework this evening (without you asking)?

Or did he cry as you did the dishwasher and gave him his dinner?