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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

295 replies

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:25

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 08/01/2018 22:23

Or did he cry as you did the dishwasher and gave him his dinner?

I hope you didn't do his bloody dinner for him!

Arkangel · 08/01/2018 22:57

It's your birthday op.

One day in 365 where everyone agrees there is some level of importance. If he is not bending over backwards to make today feel better then he's not the one.

He's probably crying because he realises that you realise that now.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2018 00:20

Good for you!

He's crying because he's going to have to take care of himself now. Oh, he may class that as 'missing you', but in actuality what he's going to miss is what you do for him not you as a person.

ptumbi · 09/01/2018 08:54

As a PP said - how many tears have you cried over him and how many fucks did he give?

The tears are (possibly) shock (that he going to miss his maid/cash cow/sex object) and probably self-pity that now he is going to have to get out there and find another good-hearted, soft, reliable and sweet muggins to do his crap for him! Angry

Whilst you are onwards and upwards!

Good luck.

gamerchick · 09/01/2018 09:05

The tears are self pity. It’s making you confused but has he actually said anything? Apologized? Anything. Tears are just a way of manipulating without making the changes he needs so you just forget about it and go back to normal.

He’ll either let you go quietly then plague your life or he’s going to do a grand gesture. Neither of which will promise change. Read your thread over if you see yourself weakening.

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 09/01/2018 09:53

He's apologised and said he knows how badly he's fucked up, and that if he wouldn't live in a relationship like this he can't expect me to. There's more to it and I cried so much the whole day. But I am not going back.

OP posts:
Arkangel · 09/01/2018 09:55

Aw op. Do you have a friend group you can meet up with and have a bit of support?

Ellie56 · 09/01/2018 10:01

Well done for not listening to his crap OP. You are strong and you will get through this.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/01/2018 10:12

Well done OP.
You do deserve so much better than this.
When you wobble just have a read through of your posts.
He's a cock of the highest order.

RandomMess · 09/01/2018 10:44

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/01/2018 11:06

That is the most pathetic thing I've heard (at least today), OP... he cries, "If he wouldn't live in a relationship like this, he can't expect you to...". Hmm

He HAS expected you to. All the times you've told him what you'd like him to do, what you need - and he's diminished and belittled you, made you feel as if every little thing was unreasonable.

I don't know where he got that ridiculous line that he fed you but it is just that, a line. It's probably from some cheesy song somewhere?

Here's the acid test for you. When he sobbed that out... How did it make YOU feel?

Answer: That's how he wanted you to feel. Nice, isn't he?
Twat. Angry

======================

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 09/01/2018 12:28

I felt bad for him, but to be honest I also thought 'you must think I'm a fucking mug mate'

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/01/2018 12:38

No, TudorRose, is asked how YOU felt. I don't care a whit how he felt and how sad or red his little weepy eyes were, nor how sore his little heels were from drumming out a beat of 'S'not fair', on the floor.

How did what he said make you feel when he said it?

BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2018 12:44

They're always "sorry" aren't they?

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 09/01/2018 13:02

I felt...a lot of things. angry and sad and contempt and a part of me wished he would give me a cuddle and it would be ok. If I'm honest.

OP posts:
Hissy · 09/01/2018 13:18

he wouldn't live in a relationship like this

He KNOWS what he's doing. he's deliberately making your life less joyful because it makes him more powerful.

Give yourself that cuddle, tell yourself that it will be OK. Because it will. YOU will be fine my love. You need to be in love, yes, but with yourself first and foremost. you are worth all the birthdays and christmasses and valentines days in the world. Make sure whoever is in your life is grateful for you being in theirs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/01/2018 13:21

That's understandable, you're losing something that you thought you had, that you worked on the whole time - your relationship. Of course you wanted him to cuddle you and make it all alright but it was never going to happen was it? Because if he'd cared about you he's had years to demonstrate that - and not bothered.

Now, when he's losing something ((a housekeeper, someone to help out with money, someone to have sex with (I'm sorry)), all of a sudden it's registering with him what HE will lose. Note that it's still all about him, nothing to do with you. With a man like this, you could be anyone. If you will meet those criteria in brackets - and, as an added bonus, not make a 'fuss' about birthday, Christmas or Valentine's day, then you're the one for him.

His 'bar' is set just where he wants it - high for him (given the huge job description) and very low for any girlfriend he has.

Even now that the relationship is over, he could make it easier for you, nicer even. Take it on the chin that he's been an arse and you're going, apologise to you sincerely but no, it's all about him and always will be.

You're sad for what you don't have and grieve for it a little bit - and then turn your face to the sun and walk away from this selfish clown

ptumbi · 09/01/2018 14:00

OP - you know that if you go back, he will be nice a pie for a few weeks, months even. Until you need something - a present, a bit of thought, a favour - and he will be back to not giving you a thought. You'll be back here. A bit older, and a bit more beaten down. A bit more disciplined into doing what he wants, and ignoring what you want (or need).

Get rid now and leave him to his pathetic tears. He can pull this stunt on the next soft-hearted woman who he can manipulate into doing his bidding with very little in return.

You are worth more. And you are not a fucking mug!

Ellie56 · 09/01/2018 17:00

and a part of me wished he would give me a cuddle and it would be ok. If I'm honest.

NO NO NO it won't be ok. It will just go back to being the same old crap.
You know it will.

Stay strong OP. Have you got friends in RL you can spend time with?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/01/2018 22:33

How're things, TudorRose? How are you feeling about your plans? I hope you're with your mum and making arrangements to regularly see your friends.

Best wishes to you Thanks

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