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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

295 replies

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:25

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/01/2018 11:50

Tbh I'd just call time on it, he can't be arsed after only 2 years but has free time to play on x-box, couldn't be bothered to set up an on line account???

He's not a keeper!

JassyRadlett · 06/01/2018 11:51

Ach, OP, I’m sorry to hear it. You really are worth more. Two years in it should be better than this.

I’ve been with DH 10 years; it’s my birthday tomorrow and he’s currently out ‘running errands’ which I’m pretty sure is code for ‘going in for a lengthy chat with the lady at the bookshop’ about what’s new and quirky that I’d like, and doing some other finishing touches. Nothing OTT but thoughtful and personal. Later he and DS1 are going to bake a cake.

Don’t buy into the idea that all men rubbish and women should be willing to put up with it.

honeyroar · 06/01/2018 11:51

Most men aren't clueless! I've never had a relationship with someone that didn't put any afford into birthdays or Xmas. When I look at friends whose partners don't put any effort in, I see them arranging everything and letting their husbands be like that. I remember. Having a "discussion" with a friend's husband who was grumbling because she'd forgotten to get something for his mother's birthday. I pointed out that he had forgotten too, he said it was her job, he wasn't good at things like that and couldn't remember. I said it was pretty bad if he couldn't put any effort into remembering his own mother's birthday and that there was a calendar on the wall. He squirmed and changed the subject, as did she!

UpABitLate · 06/01/2018 11:51

I'm not mad big on lots of celebrations and have forgotten our anniversary more than once. He remembers all the stuff and so i have had to grovel more than once!

But, but

Birthday hmm maybe forget

But Christmas? Fucking Christmas?!!! You can't not notice that Christmas is coming, we have a 3 month lead in these days for god's sake, the day itself is a bank holiday etc etc

"I didn't know you celebrated Christmas" is so incredibly weak and almost at piss take level. Was he joking when he said this?

I've got to say that no present at Christmas would be making me think he didn't really give a toss.

All the people saying he's a man what do you expect - I expect men to be responsible adults who buy their other half a present for Christmas when said presents have been discussed and he knows what to buy! God's sake.

Don't buy yourself a gift and get the money back for god's sake that's just utterly depressing.

if you really want to be with this xboxing yet busy, hopeless excuse making twonk then just stop buying anything for him. He really really doesn't deserve it. How do you think he would react to that? What did you get him for Christmas?

UnaOfStormhold · 06/01/2018 11:52

It might be worth reading up on the languages of love (e.g. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages). The basic idea is that some people express their love by giving thoughtful gifts, some do it in other ways. It could be he's expressing his love in a way that you're missing - or it could be he's just generally not bothered, which is a different issue.

Sn0tnose · 06/01/2018 11:53

You're not being grabby at all. I suspect you'd be over the moon with a £5 present that he'd put any level of thought into. It's about his complete lack of consideration for you and the fact that he simply can't be bothered.

Is he bringing anything to the relationship that you couldn't provide yourself?

And what is your immediate gut feeling when thinking about being with him for the rest of your life?

UpABitLate · 06/01/2018 11:55

"Feeling somewhat vindicated now just a bit sad. For the PP who asked what he's like the rest of the time...it's ok. Not great. I often find myself wanting more."

2 years, I think you should call it quits, sorry. He doesn't make you feel loved really, by the sound of it.

RedDogsBeg · 06/01/2018 11:56

Some men are just crap at present buying is the lamest excuse and a total cop-out. These men live with you, in most cases have or are raising children with you and they don't know you well enough to know your likes and dislikes?

It's not being crap at present buying it's being crap at caring enough about you to put time and effort into thinking about you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/01/2018 11:57

The 'some men are just crap at buying' trope is really annoying. No. No they aren't. When it's the latest Grand Theft whatever or something they want, they manage just fine. Because they want to.

Women do not pop out at birth with a 'shopping gene' fully installed and ready to go. Ditto a cooking one, or any of the other 'women's work' jobs.

OP - You're not being grabby. You'd like him to make an effort. Tell him to do that and see what he does. He let you down at Christmas - now is his chance to make it up to you. If he doesn't and this matters then please don't let him progress beyond a 'DP' because you can do better.

Lethaldrizzle · 06/01/2018 11:57

I don't think someone who has time to play Xbox and not buy a present is a great partner. And the excuse that some people are just bad at buying presents is a terrible one. It's complete lack of effort. No other way to describe it.

Ellie56 · 06/01/2018 11:58

Feeling somewhat vindicated now just a bit sad. For the PP who asked what he's like the rest of the time...it's ok. Not great. I often find myself wanting more.

Then why settle for him? The non present buying is just one unsatisfactory thing about your relationship. And someone always on the xbox would do my head in.

I would dump him.You can do much better OP.

Butterymuffin · 06/01/2018 11:59

So as well as this he's generally 'not great'? Agree with UpABitLate - time to end it. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this?

Super123 · 06/01/2018 11:59

What strikes me most about this thread is how hurt you are by his thoughtlessness. I really understand how you feel over this.

He seems either oblivious to this, or doesn't care enough to make it up to you.

Sad to say he probably won't change.

Are the okay parts of your relationship enough for you to keep going with him?

rightsaidfrederickII · 06/01/2018 12:04

Feeling somewhat vindicated now just a bit sad. For the PP who asked what he's like the rest of the time...it's ok. Not great. I often find myself wanting more.

I'm really not one of people who jumps on the LTB bandwagon, but he's not making you happy, is he? Sounds like it's not going to get any better - can you really see yourself being with him for the next 50 years? If not, the break up is going to come sooner or later - best to do it now while you're in control and aren't at the stage of DC etc

Bobbins43 · 06/01/2018 12:07

I really really do not understand this whole "men are useless with presents" thing. It is patently untrue. He cannot be arsed. And you shouldn't put up with it.

Bobbins43 · 06/01/2018 12:10

And fucking love languages can do one too. Giving and exchanging gifts to mark occasions is not some new or exotic or foreign thing. I don't care if he does take out the bins or do the washing up. He should care enough about you to buy you a present for your birthday. And for Christmas. Fuck that fucking noise.

Bobbins43 · 06/01/2018 12:11

Why do we all make so many excuses for the men is our lives? I see so many variants of this post on here. It shouldn't be that hard to buy someone you love a gift on a special occasion.

ArchchancellorsHat · 06/01/2018 12:17

And fucking love languages can do one too.

Agreed. He knows it's a gift giving occasion, he knows OP likes getting gifts (not grabby), he even discussed with her what to get for Xmas. Then says he didn't know she celebreated Xmas??

OP are you really not worth spending one minute signing up for an Amazon account? Does he think that or do you? Would he find that minute if it was something he wanted?

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 12:19

You bet he would find that minute if it was something he wanted :/

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 06/01/2018 12:19

Love languages, my arse

WashingMatilda · 06/01/2018 12:20

Some men are just crap at present buying

Only so long as women excuse them and have such shoddily low expectations.

YANBU at all OP, I think this is very sad.

A birthday in particular is one day to show the person you supposedly love your thanks and appreciation.

He sounds selfish.
Don't listen to any of the PP's letting him off the hook just because he has a penis.

Bobbins43 · 06/01/2018 12:21

And who THE FUCK doesn't have an Amazon account?!

ArchchancellorsHat · 06/01/2018 12:22

OP I really do think you can do better. If I were you, I'd make that my birthday present to myself.

Arkangel · 06/01/2018 12:22

I think you already know don't you?

I wouldn't ever say leave someone, because often the grass isn't greener at all, but you sound really unhappy.

Would there be a difference if you weren't together? Would it matter? Would you miss him?

Viviennemary · 06/01/2018 12:23

It's bad that he gave you nothing for Christmas when you'd agreed to exchange presents. Get the money first and then buy your present if you think he won't pay up. I always get my own. DH's surprise presents are usually something I don't want.