Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

[MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose]

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

the battery operated 18in high plastic vase full of plastic flowers studded with fairy lights that rotated on a gold plastic base playing the theme of Doctor Zhivago that my MIL once bought me.

Wow sounds like a lot of thought went into the buying of that gift!

What a sad day it was when that broke!!

Get him to transfer an agreed sum 2 weeks before each event at which you want presents.

Then at least you will get something you like
and it will stop him fobbing you off with nothing or a £5 piece of tat

I would be taking back those gifts he lives and holding them to ransom until he puts some effort into buying something you would like.

You say he came with excuses as why you didn't get the gift you wanted. Where is it then? Its coming up for two weeks later, is it on order? Wasn't he embarrassed accepting yours when he had nothing for you?

Tell him, its not up to you to buy your own birthday present tell him to do.

He's a selfish twat. Give yourself the best present of all and dump him. He has no respect for you.

OP is it you want what other people get? I dont get valentines card, gift or present it’s commercial clap trap. I do get a few bunches randomly a year from DH with no commercial pressure to conform.

For Christmas I have a membership subscription to an activity I love that is very expensive to partake in and I go most weekends throughout the year. Nothing physical under the tree.

I am not much of a present buyer either unless DH particularly wants something but i do pick up things in dury free or if I see them.

I dont think our present giving situation has any baring on how much we love each other.

If you are happy in all other areas forget the i casion presents. If you are not happy in the relationship get rid and date a better present buyer!

I don't know if he was embarrassed or not on Christmas Day, he said later how he was sorry that he'd fucked up and I'd had a miserable Christmas and then seemed to wait expectantly for me to reassure him it was fine but I just said 'yeah you did' - he can get sulky when his feelings aren't pandered to as well!

Somerset - as I've said it's not that I want 'stuff' - but our relationship in general can be thoughtless from his end so it just cemented that I don't mean much to him.

Re: the Doctor Zhivago vase.
My MIL is lovely and was so happy giving me the vase because my SIL had one exactly the same in her apartment and that was how she knew I'd love it! She actually bought it back long haul in her hand baggage to ensure it got here safely.

Another year she gave us a doorbell that plays tunes!

As I say his family are rubbish at gifts. Happily over the years we have cut right back to children only.

He bought me a bunch of flowers once and since I wasn't sufficiently grateful (I remarked that the summer trees looked gorgeous so apparently I appreciated the trees more than his flowers ) he said he'd never buy me flowers again even though I love them.

The more I write out the more he just seems like a dick.

Just bin the useless article op. Fuck him off and enjoy the rest of the year. He doesn't care.

Slack him off OP, he sounds rubbish.

If he made you feel valued and cherished all year but was a bit crap at presents then I'd say perhaps you could work round it but I think the lack of presents is just a symptom of the fact that he doesn't really value or cherish you.

Two years in is still honeymoon phase! No way this guy has the necessary to hang in during the tough times life throws at us all. No point wasting anymore precious time. Move on and find someone who deserves you.

A few years ago we decided to buy and wrap out own present, the surprise came in what we were giving, it worked rather well as he bought himself something I would never have dreamed of buying!
For my 50th birthday I got a chocolate orange, my least favourite type of chocolate!
One year we stood in Waterstones a few weeks before Christmas and I indicated a book, 'Whatever you buy me, I don't want that'. Sure enough, there it was on the 25th, 'Oh, I remembered you mentioned it'.

Keep writing OP, if it helps.
The only reason I left ex is because I actually finally got into a chat about the relationship with a new set of friends (we had relocated) and all of a sudden I realised how unhappy I was.

I have no time for making men feel better because they’re upset you’re angry/ upset they fucked up. That’s not my job, their job is not to fuck up and then they won’t have to deal with the consequences, and also because they (he- I only have one dh!) love me so they don’t want to fuck up to start with. If they can’t deal with this they aren’t worth keeping around sorry, and your ‘d’h sounds like an A grade one of these.

You allow him to treat you this way so why would he bother making any effort? He can't be arsed because he doesn't have to be. You put up with the way he treats you and he gets away with it.

I don't how to finish putting up with it Stop, I can't physically leave because of our joint housing sitch. Emotionally...I just feel a bit numbed out these days.

If ever other element of the relationship was great and you were happy I would say to try and let it slide but it sounds like the relationships is one sided.

As I said in my pp my DH doesn't do Valentines and doesn't get me flowers for birthdays etc but he will pick me flowers up 'just because' every now and then and shows me he appreciates me everyday.

You should sit him down and have a good heart to heart.

It doesn't sound as though he finds present buying difficult , it sounds as though he really just cannot be bothered. Not everybody finds it easy or enjoyable, but they still at least try. Sometimes it's not about the actual item, it's about putting in some effort to get the 'right 'gift for a person. I've received completely ridiculous gifts from various people over the years and I'm sure that not every gift I've ever given has been ideal. But I've tried and I always give with love. Your so hasn't even tried. And if you are really do difficult to buy for, what's to stop him asking you for some ideas? Oh yes, that would take effort on his behalf. Since he knows you were hurt by his lack of thought, you would have expected some sort of attempt to do something nice for you, but no, it becomes about him and how you've upset him by pulling him up on his lack of thought. Frankly, with everything else you've said about him, I'd be calling it a day.

He's an arse.

You can do better.

Make your plans and leave.

We have sat down and had a talk and it improves for maybe a couple of weeks and the he just slides back. There definitely are other problems with us but talking doesn't seem to resolve anything :/

You sound so sad, OP. And so unhappy. Do you own a house together? I would start having a think about where you want this to go. And how likely that outcome is. I was married to someone and miserable for fifteen years. FIFTEEN YEARS. I wasted my 20s and most of my 30s. I wish I had had the courage to do things differently. You deserve to be with someone who is thoughtful and considerate. Hell, being on your own is absolutely fine and better than this shit shower too.

So he’s busy. Or crap at presents.

OP can tell him what she wants, he can order it and wrap it as a gift. He’s being completely thoughtless and blaming it on ‘some men are crap at presents’ is utterly ridiculous. I have signed up to multiple websites to buy Xmas presents for family that I know they want.

I’m sorry OP, your later posts seem to indicate to me that he just doesn’t really care. He might be forced to make an effort if you invited spectators as I get the feeling he would want to save face then - but who wants to have to force their husband to have a thought about them?!

I think talking only works when someone is willing to listen and change. I couldn't abide a sulker either. I find it hard to talk about my problems IRL (hence the Mumsnetting) but I make an effort for my partner. He's not making any effort. You are.