Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

295 replies

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:25

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 06/01/2018 12:23

...what he's like the rest of the time...it's ok. Not great. I often find myself wanting more

Why settle for that? His excuses are pathetic and he knew what to get you so didn't even need to put thought into it. He just can't be arsed, so what I'd do is get the Christmas present he owes you then dump him.

thebumblebearbee · 06/01/2018 12:23

OP you sound like me this Christmas. DP got me nothing to open on the day. He deflected this by giving me some cash. To me giving money just shows a lack of effort, thoughtlessness and lack of respect.
I would have been happier with a £10 gift he had really thought about and knew I'd appreciate/would make me smile than a £100 cash.

My DP however has previously shown he is very thoughtful and gives me wonderful surprises randomly, so I let things slide. Is your DP thoughtful in other ways/times?

waffilyversati1e · 06/01/2018 12:26

think you have answered your own question. stop jumping over oceans for people who won't step over a puddle for you

Loveatthefiveanddime · 06/01/2018 12:33

The hours on an Xbox would put me off considerably on its own.

You do not sound like you are being grabby, I totally get you, that it is about the (lack of) thought and the (lack of) effort behind the present that hurts.

My partner makes an effort and gets it wrong, so I send a long(ish) list of beauty products or other gift ideas more than a month in advance. He buys what he wants from that list and I have often forgotten what I have put on it so like a goldfish when the time comes I am delighted and sometimes surprised! But it doesn't matter that it is just buying the things online, somehow I still feel valued.

CherryMaDeara · 06/01/2018 12:35

Why are you with him if you're not even happy?

In the meantime, stop all gifts and cards to him.

Loonoonow · 06/01/2018 12:36

My DH is shit at presents. His whole family is. They don't bother most of the time and TBH it's a relief as when they do buy them they are pretty much 100% tat. I am particularly thinking of the battery operated 18in high plastic vase full of plastic flowers studded with fairy lights that rotated on a gold plastic base playing the theme of Doctor Zhivago that my MIL once bought me. What a sad day it was when that broke!!

My Dad was a great gift buyer for my mum, very thoughtful and romantic and for the first few years of my marriage I interpreted DHs failure to buy me anything as a sign he didn't love me. But he does,
he just expresses love differently - through extreme financial generosity, loyalty, acts of service and unstinting support amongst other things.

I am not saying I don't get a bit jealous when I see the time and people's partners put into buying gifts but on the whole I'll settle for my DH and buying my own presents.

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 12:40

No, I'm not happy. I find myself getting jealous of my friends when their partners are thoughtful at Christmas or Valentine's (another one he doesn't 'do')

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/01/2018 12:40

I send dh photos of things to get from places like John Lewis and M&S. I also give him a list and where he may find it. Eg hat with a fluffy bobble, bamboo socks etc. Dd likes to go out with dh but he’s useless at shopping. Idk what I’m getting but at least it’s something I like.

Notevilstepmother · 06/01/2018 12:41

battery operated 18in high plastic vase full of plastic flowers studded with fairy lights that rotated on a gold plastic base playing the theme of Doctor Zhivago

Xmas Grin

Sorry but that is hilarious. Did she buy it for you without any hint of it being a joke gift?

Yes I know, I’m an awful snob.

IsaSchmisa · 06/01/2018 12:48

I don't think his general attitude to presents is any better or worse than yours. Some people regard gift buying as a way to express their love or have others express their love for them, others find the whole thing an oppressive nuisance and would like to opt out entirely, most people are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

Myself I'd possibly find your attitude more difficult to live with in a partner than his, but that's reflective of how much of a personal call this is. It's just one of those things where you either have to be compatible or come to some kind of understanding.

However, those excuses would've driven me fucking spare. Completely pathetic. It also sounds like this is reflective of wider issues between the two of you. I find that quite often on here when a poster gets upset about no gift/fuss for Christmas, birthdays, Valentines Day etc, often she's sort of seeing it as a wider sign of how she's viewed in general by her partner, if that makes sense. I wonder how much of that is happening here? You would probably attach less importance to something like Christmas presents and feel more ok weathering any disappointment if you felt valued for the other 364 days of the year.

greenlanes · 06/01/2018 12:48

sorry I am inclined to agree with others. This one is not really a keeper is he? You are certainly not being grabby or unreasonable.

He's not willing to invest any time into you and what you might like. Hope 2018 brings you the confidence and courage to move on!

IsaSchmisa · 06/01/2018 12:49

Also, I absolutely MUST HAVE that Dr Zhivago vase thing.

Arkangel · 06/01/2018 12:53

No, I'm not happy. I find myself getting jealous of my friends when their partners are thoughtful at Christmas or Valentine's (another one he doesn't 'do')

Im really sorry op. Being in a real stop shop like yours is awful, I have been there. I genuinely think the only reason we stayed together so long (apart from having children) was because neither of us had the passion for each other to ever really break up. Is that terrible? We stayed together because it was easier than having to pack up a suitcase.

But even he, with no concept of romance or spontaneity) still bought me gifts at Xmas, birthdays and we occasionally went out for dinner.

Get your ducks in a row and then think about maybe searching for better.

JassyRadlett · 06/01/2018 12:56

I don't think his general attitude to presents is any better or worse than yours. Some people regard gift buying as a way to express their love or have others express their love for them, others find the whole thing an oppressive nuisance and would like to opt out entirely, most people are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

But isn’t it the case that if you love someone who is at the other end of this spectrum than you are, you try to meet them in the middle?

IsaSchmisa · 06/01/2018 13:00

Well, you don't make agreements you aren't going to follow through on, for a start. I think that's possibly the bigger problem here actually, especially as we haven't had anything from OP to suggest she's necessarily doing any meeting in the middle here either.

Also OP do you get him presents and how does he react?

BarbarianMum · 06/01/2018 13:01

Give yourself a present and place some more value on yourself. Ditch him and enjoy singledom, or find someone who thinks you are worth a modicum of effort, who wants to decorate your home for Christmas and who thinks, actually, birthdays are worth celebrating.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/01/2018 13:02

This isn’t about the gift,it’s the malaise.If you feel a malaise now it’s unlikely to improve
BS to Wah he’s a bloke.He’s able to shop,either online or in person but he can’t be arsed.
He could look at your cosmetics and/or perfume and buy some of the same. Cursory look at your current fragrance of choice that’s in the house and he can go online and order it.
Neutral items like This works, Molton brown, candles, all of these can generally are well received
You're not grabby in the least he just can’t be bothered I’m afraid

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 13:02

Isa- that's the issue really, if I felt heard and respected the rest of the year I wouldn't be so upset about it I guess. I still think it's a bit rich to have had the 'what would you like' discussion at the beginning of the month and still receive sod all though.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 13:03

He says he loves the gifts I've got him Hmm

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/01/2018 13:04

Loonnoonow, the Dr Zhivago theme tune vase, wow sounds really unique

rightsaidfrederickII · 06/01/2018 13:05

No, I'm not happy. I find myself getting jealous of my friends when their partners are thoughtful at Christmas or Valentine's (another one he doesn't 'do')

Having been where you were 12 months ago, I can honestly say that life is better post break up. Don't stay until he takes control and decides to leave. Do it on your terms.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/01/2018 13:07

This is not about the gift. He can’t be arsed cause he doesn’t care I’m afraid
But you already know this op, that’s what your misgivings are about
Sounds like you’re both just plodding through a lacklustre relationship

IsaSchmisa · 06/01/2018 13:08

Isa- that's the issue really, if I felt heard and respected the rest of the year I wouldn't be so upset about it I guess.

I thought as much.

That, plus what you've now said about him being happy to receive but not give, indicates that this is a problem with him generally rather than two people who have a decent relationship but just clash on this one issue. You don't sound happy.

JassyRadlett · 06/01/2018 13:08

I think that's possibly the bigger problem here actually, especially as we haven't had anything from OP to suggest she's necessarily doing any meeting in the middle here either.

I read her saying he ‘doesn’t do’ Valentine’s as a bit of that, but I may be wrong.

He sounds like a pisstaker though. He’s not saying ‘I hate this, let’s not do it.’ He’s saying ‘I can’t be arsed to do it for you.’

ReanimatedSGB · 06/01/2018 13:11

It's incredibly common for men simply not to bother about buying presents for their female partners, because they just don't care enough. They see their partners as some sort of domestic appliance rather than as a person.

OK, if your DP/DH is incredibly earnest and non-materialistic and into saving the planet etc then FFS how come you haven't smothered him in his sleep? and does not expect presents, does not give or recieve gifts with anyone else in the family then maybe YABU to be sad that you don't get gifts as you know what he's like. But if he happily recieves gifts from other people, buys treats for himself when he wants to, and yet won't get you so much as a gift card for Christmas despite you having made it clear that you like to have a gift when everyone else is opening presents, then he really doesn't care about your feelings, does he?