Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

[MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose]

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

I didn't read it that way, not enough information, but I think your can't be arsed sums it up perfectly.

Give yourself the best birthday gift there is: what it feels like to value yourself, how to show yourself you are worth more than some overgrown teenager who places more store in a fucking Xbox than he does in you.

After 2 years he’s already opted out of Valentine’s Day, he’s stuffed up Christmas (despite you actually telling him how he can find the right gift) and now he’s telling you that a few clicks on a website are too much of an inconvenience for someone like you.

This will never get any better, only worse.

Another thread with women making excuses for arsehole men.....

I also will add that if Valentine's Day means something to you, as with Xmas or birthdays etc, then your partner should be compromising on that.

Even with a small token, just an acknowledgement that takes into account your feelings. Especially considering he happily accepts the effort you go to for him.

I hate this some men are useless at gift buying crap. If you are not good at something you need to do you make an effort to learn and over time you get the hang of it, that's how the world works. The fact that some women don't mind if they get no/rubbish presents from their dp isn't the point. Op you seem to be happy to let him know what you would like, all he has to do is go and bloody get it. Don't let this go if it's important to you or you will never get anything from the selfish arse.

Another thread with women making excuses for arsehole men.....

It certainly feels this way doesn't it.

Sometimes I think women would collectively rather enable crappy behaviour just so they can complain about it.

Two years? This is as 'good as he gets'. Not a keeper.

it's ok. Not great. I often find myself wanting more.

If you feel that way after two years, move on! It won’t get better.

My DP isn't in to birthdays or Christmas, but he knows I am and he has never forgotten to get me a present. It may not have been what I wanted, but there has always been something. Its not always been wrapped but there has always been a gift.

Today he forgot to get me my pickled egg when he went to the fish and chip shop for lunch. He was mortified and apologised profusely. I have warned him, I will remind of this for at least the next 3 months (joking).

Your DP owes you a Christmas present.
Tell him what you would like for your birthday - he gets it. If you buy it, don't except to see the cash for it. Two years in, this is not good. He needs to buck his ideas up, especially if he's not 'great' in other respects. Don't settle

That love languages bollox drives me nuts, it's thrown about constantly on MN but it's usually not applicable to the situation Op is upset about imo and seems to encourage posters to make excuses for selfish partners. We're talking about birthdays and Christmas which are presumably days the partner has actually heard of and is aware of the societal norm around gift giving on these days? Especially when she gives presents to him on those days. I mean are people completely blind sided by birthday or Christmas gifts from their partner ? Hardly, unless they've agreed they won't but that would involve an actual discussion and agreement!

If Op has used her words, you know the actual spoken language that they share, to say she feels hurt with his lack of effort then no, it's absolutely not good enough to say that just isn't how he demonstrates his feelings. In reality you find thoughtlessness is not just for Christmas, rather Christmas and birthdays highlight the lack of thought and consideration demonstrated all year round.

“Sometimes I think women would collectively rather enable crappy behaviour just so they can complain about it.”

I think they accept crappy behaviour because they have been socialized to do it. Men must have the best marketing agency in the world

God I'd be so offended if my husband just gave me some cash for my birthday or xmas. So lazy and insulting. I do tell him what I want, as he generally gets stuff that's not so great, like bloody glass love hearts or spa days, so I now say what I would like, he buys it, hides it, wraps it, often adds little extras.

I work, I am more than able to buy what I want myself. i don't need the cash as a gift. Because that's what it is. If you buy it, it's not from him. The cash is the gift.

He's lazy and thoughtless.

These days a nice and thoughtful gift is merely a 'click and order' away on Amazon. An 'incredibly busy' lazy slob person would only need 5 minutes to order something nice and have it delivered right to his (or your) door.

DH and I pretty much do all our 'gifting' using Amazon Prime. We each have a 'wish list' that we add to from time to time. Things that we'd like but wouldn't buy for ourselves ranging from inexpensive trinkets to ridiculous things we can't afford.

It's completely untrue that all men shit at presents. I've never had a partner who didn't bother or completely sucked at gifts.

He obviously just can't be bothered. And if you're wanting more out of the relationship in general op then then he's probably not the right guy for you, already at two years in.
I hope you know you are worth bothering about.

I don't think gift-giving is such a big deal in a relationship BUT if you'd discussed presents & agreed to buy for each other then it's very mean of him to just not bother with yours. He's the unreasonable, grabby one for accepting presents off you and giving you nothing but excuses in return.

Indeed, no time is poor.

This Xmas we have financially been crippled, so presents were small but we still had an idea of what each other wanted.

I bought my (recent ex) partner a huge water bottle for the gym because he gets headaches from not drinking enough, the aftershave he always spritzes on when we go shopping, and some really fluffy socks.
He bought me some bits from Lush I've had my eye on and a pair of sequinned slippers that I adore. My presents to him took a 15 minute detour into town, as did his to me. Everything was received with absolute pleasure and was heartfelt to us. It didn't have to be diamonds and Ferrari's. Just consideration.

'I know you like no one else'

Maybe it's just because I had an abusive boyfriend who used to say this to me, but I absolutely hate this phrase within relationships. I feel it's a way to convince you that he's the only one who gets you, and not to bother with anyone else. And it's usually said by someone who doesn't actually give a shit, when you dig deeper.

I'd agree with rhe fact he is the grabby one, he's accepting your gifts, getting you nothing in return, and probably hoping you won't accept his cash or he shall forget to give you it.

But he knows he's getting gifts from you and he's more than happy to take them.

Selfish and grabby.

'It didn't have to be diamonds and Ferrari's. Just consideration'

That's it exactly. I really don't expect much. Writing this has made me feel really sad and fucked off about his previous form as well now. I felt gutted last Valentine's when I got ready to go out and he'd forgotten to book the restaurant he'd categorically said we were going to dinner at two weeks previously. Later we had to nip out for some groceries and there were no flowers left at the supermarket and he said 'looks like some women are getting last minute guilt flowers' and I said 'At least it crossed their minds at all eh?' and he didn't speak to me for hours afterwards.

I'm actually fuming now thinking back.

Oh that's awful op. And he didn't speak to you for 2 hours after admitting he didn't even bother with last minute flowers?! I can't believe he forgot to book the restaurant either. He sounds like a right knob and you sound lovely and thoughtful.

He didn’t forget. It’s what you say in your title, he can’t be arsed.

Dont settle OP, please leave before things get too complicated. Why be with someone who makes you so unhappy?

Aww OP.

I've been you. I'm not someone who needs any amount of money spent on her or would ever ask for anything, I can buy things for myself thanks!
My ex would seriously make himself a cup of tea, sit down next to me and drink it, and wonder why I felt I could have been invisible.
Our five year anniversary was a rushed trip to a local theatre to see something terrible, and an equally rubbish set menu restaurant.

I was gutted, absolutely devastated that after 5 years and two children that was the best he could come up with. Money was no object, we had a someone to care for the children. What the flying fudge!

Yet this man would tell anyone he knew me better than I knew myself. I have since learned that this is a phrase narcissists use to brainwash you instead of apologising for being wankers.