AIBU “asking my son to leave? Plz help!

[Pandamanda3]

Please can anybody help me ? I’m desperate.
My backstory first, my ex h was arrested 3 yrs ago for DV, we are now divorced, iv been through the worst divorce and was left with huge debts, so its killed me to stay afloat since.

My younger ds has learning diff and autism, but over years has made huge improvements he is now 18.
We’ve always been close, for most of his life I have been his 24/7 carer, he still has relationship with his dad who very controlling over him, both my boys struggled after dh left but youngest the most, he just went into fits of rage, so cutting story short I killed myself to get him counselling therapy for a year or more 2/3 times a week funded by me as dad wasn’t interested, but it really helped. He seemed a lot better. But over the last 12 months his aggression has grown & grown towards both myself & my eldest son , mainly me.
I suffer serious health issues and really haven’t been well, he knows this, he’s very demanding of my attention and his dad seems to just get the good side of him with the troubled side left to me.
He started to sort of emulate my ex dh controlling intimidating behaviours and I know now I failed there as I gave in to him forgave him and it’s now just grown to a sense of entitlement over me.
I tried with ever ounce of my soul to love and support him the best I could thinking that getting out of my marriage & showing him a normal loving fearless home Would be better.
Things have escalated and he took off the other morning at me, after I got up at 6am to prep his lunch for work, he then just took off and left for work. He works with his father another long story.
But he’d got the day wrong despite my telling him I didn’t think dad re-opened until today.
So He had to make his way home, but was pissed I didn’t go to pick him up. I instead paid the taxi as I wasn’t great especially after his morning outburst on me.
That afternoon he’s getting ready to go out with my eldest when he erupts again I’m in the firing line, I don’t even recall why? But in a nut shell he threatened to kill me, really threatened called me all sorts of painful things I just can’t forget then my elder son gets involved to try to stop him going at me, after an hour of abuse he left with my son I just wanted him out, after which I just fell to the floor in a heap devastated, I felt numb I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.
On his return he stayed in his room silence until yesterday Evening.
I’d gone to bed just feeling so poorly and drained & he’d been out at the gym with eldest.
Suddenly at 10.30 I’m woken by my eldest screaming for me to get up. He said they had gotten into a fight which resulted in him attacking my eldest, he told him he only speaks to him to use him for what he’s good for?
Soon after in walks younger one and they start up again, then he turns to me in my face and started again at me he wants to kill me I’m a bitch he hates me etc etc he’s waving his hands in my face I’m pinned to the wall with him towering over me. Just like his father exactly like his father.
He turned to my eldest and said “that’s what you do! how you deal with her” that’s what she needs the fuckin bitch. To get told.
I told him iv had enough I’m selling house he’s going to live with his father as he hates me so much. Something I never thought I’d ever say.
He refused with “this is my fuckin house and I’ll stay were I want! You C...

I have no contact with his father, and he will do anything he can to ruin my life so I can’t go to him, I also know he can’t survive alone due to difficulties and I just feel trapped and honestly do not know what to do?
Can anybody advise? I feel completely broken I don’t have anybody else to turn to,his family was my family and they turned on me when I divorced him and got the police. My parents live miles away, they say he’s got to go before he hurts me.
I feel like such a bad person wanting him to leave but I know I’m going through the same nightmare again I had with ex.
18 years it took me to wake up & leave and now it’s as if my son has taken his place.
Please be gentle I’m honestly at breaking point and have no we’re to turn.
Sorry for long story.

@Pandamanda3 are you ok?

😬

Hi ladies
I’m really sorry iv not been on to update you, iv been really not too good at all, my healths rubbish anyway and i seem to have just too a crash, I have all manner of issues and absorption probs so I think my irons taking a crash again 😕
So anyway, I finally got my son on his own to talk to him, we went deep and the conversation was difficult and not pleasant to be honest at times.
But what came out of it was he understands he’s way out of order and has admitted he’s struggling with managing himself, to my surprise he’s read a lot about it and is thinking about going for some anger management.
So I praised his honesty and I made him see I’m scared of him which he couldn’t accept at first but he said “Mum you know I don’t do good in social situations and iv had to learn how to be a kid then how to be a teen ‘well I just feel like everything is a struggle and I worry and worry about everything analysing ever situation, which he does and it is bloody hard for him to cope with I know. But he said what iv realised is I’m constantly coming to you when I’m stressed which he does, and he said “I’d ask you as you always understand me, but when you didn’t get it or you couldn’t fix it I’d get angry and cross, because as a kid you always had the answer.
But he said time not talking has made me realise it’s not your fault, it’s mine I’m worrying too much into things and I can’t keep coming to you all the time with everything.

He’s agreed that we will go have a chat with the dr about his anxiety levels as he’s not coping and his ocd then starts. I see this in him the things he does and as a mum it pains you to see your child struggling with the illness as a whole, he paces back and too all night long doing ocd rituals until he feels he’s done enough to sleep.

So I guess as my older son says it’s gonna take time to see how it gonnas pan out.

So I dealt with that then my older son starts bugging me 🙄 they both tbh expect me to do there washing cleaning ironing house work as I did when they were little but it’s getting too much and Iv had this argument going on especially with eldest that they can’t expect I’m going to have the gym stuff done or I will ensure uniforms are out ironed Sunday for work whilst they have gone out for tea?
So I’m thinking is it me? What does everyone else’s mums do for them at 18 & 22?
I just feel like iv done my time with running mad after them and I want time out to start thinking of me. Is that selfish of me?
I dunno but thank you so much for all your super support you all have been so helpful and reassuring I don’t think I’d have coped if it wasn’t for you all helping me out!
So thank you x

They are not little children now, so they can both wash and iron their clothes and tidy up after themselves.

My two used to do their own washing but I’m doing it now because they are doing GCSEs. Once this school year is done they will be back to taking care of their laundry, doing a few jobs around the house and generally pulling their weight.

I hope the GP can help him, but please think about your safety too.

Wow adora that is fantastic ha! My eldest will stick a wash on now and again but my point is you need to be responsible for remembering and planning your chores so if I wasn’t here you wouldn’t notice. But they don’t they look straight at me Monday morn for uniforms or they will come home tonight & look in the microwave or oven and say we’re tea?
I flipped the weekend as my ds said “stop moaning I’m tidying up FOR YOU!
For you, not for yourself because it’s your home too but no for me ha!
But I am feeling a bit like a maid and I’m tired of it, I’m really wanting to just do something different with my life iv done it for years and suffered my ex dh along the way so I just don’t want it no more.
There going to be in for a surprise as I’m going to just stop and let them figure it out the hard way as talking isn’t working.
But hat off to you for having them do there own!

Panda my son was also like yours. He was on / is on anti anxiety and anti depressants. Just because he still needs help does not mean you have to remain in danger.

Panda been thinking about you. How are you?