AIBU “asking my son to leave? Plz help!

[Pandamanda3]

Please can anybody help me ? I’m desperate.
My backstory first, my ex h was arrested 3 yrs ago for DV, we are now divorced, iv been through the worst divorce and was left with huge debts, so its killed me to stay afloat since.

My younger ds has learning diff and autism, but over years has made huge improvements he is now 18.
We’ve always been close, for most of his life I have been his 24/7 carer, he still has relationship with his dad who very controlling over him, both my boys struggled after dh left but youngest the most, he just went into fits of rage, so cutting story short I killed myself to get him counselling therapy for a year or more 2/3 times a week funded by me as dad wasn’t interested, but it really helped. He seemed a lot better. But over the last 12 months his aggression has grown & grown towards both myself & my eldest son , mainly me.
I suffer serious health issues and really haven’t been well, he knows this, he’s very demanding of my attention and his dad seems to just get the good side of him with the troubled side left to me.
He started to sort of emulate my ex dh controlling intimidating behaviours and I know now I failed there as I gave in to him forgave him and it’s now just grown to a sense of entitlement over me.
I tried with ever ounce of my soul to love and support him the best I could thinking that getting out of my marriage & showing him a normal loving fearless home Would be better.
Things have escalated and he took off the other morning at me, after I got up at 6am to prep his lunch for work, he then just took off and left for work. He works with his father another long story.
But he’d got the day wrong despite my telling him I didn’t think dad re-opened until today.
So He had to make his way home, but was pissed I didn’t go to pick him up. I instead paid the taxi as I wasn’t great especially after his morning outburst on me.
That afternoon he’s getting ready to go out with my eldest when he erupts again I’m in the firing line, I don’t even recall why? But in a nut shell he threatened to kill me, really threatened called me all sorts of painful things I just can’t forget then my elder son gets involved to try to stop him going at me, after an hour of abuse he left with my son I just wanted him out, after which I just fell to the floor in a heap devastated, I felt numb I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.
On his return he stayed in his room silence until yesterday Evening.
I’d gone to bed just feeling so poorly and drained & he’d been out at the gym with eldest.
Suddenly at 10.30 I’m woken by my eldest screaming for me to get up. He said they had gotten into a fight which resulted in him attacking my eldest, he told him he only speaks to him to use him for what he’s good for?
Soon after in walks younger one and they start up again, then he turns to me in my face and started again at me he wants to kill me I’m a bitch he hates me etc etc he’s waving his hands in my face I’m pinned to the wall with him towering over me. Just like his father exactly like his father.
He turned to my eldest and said “that’s what you do! how you deal with her” that’s what she needs the fuckin bitch. To get told.
I told him iv had enough I’m selling house he’s going to live with his father as he hates me so much. Something I never thought I’d ever say.
He refused with “this is my fuckin house and I’ll stay were I want! You C...

I have no contact with his father, and he will do anything he can to ruin my life so I can’t go to him, I also know he can’t survive alone due to difficulties and I just feel trapped and honestly do not know what to do?
Can anybody advise? I feel completely broken I don’t have anybody else to turn to,his family was my family and they turned on me when I divorced him and got the police. My parents live miles away, they say he’s got to go before he hurts me.
I feel like such a bad person wanting him to leave but I know I’m going through the same nightmare again I had with ex.
18 years it took me to wake up & leave and now it’s as if my son has taken his place.
Please be gentle I’m honestly at breaking point and have no we’re to turn.
Sorry for long story.

As for the ironing ha!
Good point, this is something iv been trying to explain to them that at 22 & 18 I am not or should not be expected to do!
There having trouble with that, but then my eldest is trusty an amazing boy he bends over backwards to help me so I too do things to help him. Iv got or so I thought a strong bond with them. Iv tried really hard to make them well adjusted young men and really pushed on the being kind & caring front so they do lead happy healthy well adjusted lives but it’s obviously not worked on youngest.
I’m heart broken I really am. Iv been sat with my paper ready to write a letter all morning. But just feel so overwhelmed by it all I don’t know we’re to begin.
It’s hard too because youngest had a very confused understanding on what abuse is I can’t seem to make him see what you are doing is abuse.
How do you make someone understand they are abusing you, were is that switch to wake him up?
I hear “I didn’t bring him up to be like this”. All the time but I really didn’t.
My ex h mother often said the same to me.
But then when I called police on ex she told my boys that I’m nuts women get battered black and blue and don’t shit on there husbands.
Ha! Says it all really.

That’s a terrible attitude for your ex-MIL to have, really chilling. Women should get beaten black and blue by those closest to them but if they turn to the police then they’re in the wrong. This is why so many women end up getting murdered and men think they can get away with it. No-one should be a punch bag. She’s sick but her son is worse.

Madness Panda I truly tried my hardest with my son. Big slap in the face for me because ex didn't bother for years with him, now he's gods gift. I'm glad to a degree though because I am concerned about my safety. Both he and his father have physically assaulted me.

Do you know whats worse though? Feeling like I have let him down. Even now. Even after everything he has done.

Oh god pulling no you haven’t let him down, I totally get you I have had the same thoughts.
But it gets to a point we’re no matter what you do it makes no difference, you hit a wall.
Do you still have contact? You said you had a dd I think before does she support you?
Not prying only if you want to talk about it of course I know it’s painful.
I just hope one day it hits them and they see how wrong they have been.
And fern you are so right sic and twist I just wish I woke up sooner.

"I can’t seem to make him see what you are doing is abuse"

Are you sure about this? Because I dont think any abusers would agree that thats what they are doing, otherwise how could they ever justify it? Its always "you drive me to it" "see what you made me do". His comment of "she needs to be told" suggests that he is fully aware of what he is doing, he just doesnt see anything WRONG with it because thats what his dad has taught him, that you'll complain but that thats what you "need" to "do what youre told".

I suspect that you are struggling because you are trying to find the magic words that will flip a switch and turn him into a lovely considerate person, but there arent any. All you can do is spell out that his behaviour is unacceptable, hes been told many times but it hasnt changed, and heres what the consequences of that now are.

Even a child can understand that when you do what you are constantly told not to do, there are consequences.

Panda I have a 7 year old dd. She lives with her father. Long story short I had to move 180 miles for work. He had her whilst I was inbetween sale and purchase of a house because I was sleeping on a mates sofa when I started work because it didn't quite marry up. Anyway dds dad put in a pso to stop me taking her because of my sons behaviour. Joy! Nothing I can do. Just got to carry on now.

Storm you are right I am trying to find the magic words and I know it’s just a dream.

I also have to admit the hard truth that he knows what he’s doing.
I’m still writing my letter basically more letting him know that no there is no discussion to be had this is my rules you either do or don’t.

Pulling omg here i am moaning and you’ve had that to suffer, you poor love I cannot imagine how hard it was loosing your daughter to him, you bloody wonder why our family courts are so f...Ed up honestly, what the F.
Do you still get to see her? How the hell do you cope your so strong.
I hope your life is amazing now and your in s happier place.

Panda I do get to see her, but it is hard I am not going to lie because in my head she should be with me. However she is happy with her Dad.

Don't you dare minimise what you are going through. It is incredibly tough. I am healthy. My life is very good with my partner and furbabies to the point that I am proposing to my partner next month.

My difficulties with my son will pass, and right now I am choosing to have no contact with him once he has gone to his Dads. He has hit me before but this time if he even tries I will call the police.

Over the years I have learnt that these things pass and you will reach peace.

Be brave. Take it one step at a time.

Pulling omg . Do you think your dd will be safe with her brother there?

I agree with what you said to Panda about not minimising.

Sorry to confuse but her Dad is not her brothers Dad, so they won't be living together. Thank goodness.

Panda my ds started at 11 with low level things like throwing my contact lenses down the toilet. Hiding chargers, etc. Then he escalated as he got bigger. His temper worsened. His respect for me completely disappeared. I tried EVERYWHERE to get help. His GP prescribed him antideppressants and anti anxiety a while ago but he won't take them, and you can only lead a horse to water.

My son is brown belt karate. He is taller, and heavier and I have no doubt he would knock me down if he tried. Now though I would go to the Police. You MUST NOT minimise what he has done to you. You MUST seek help in one form or another for the safety of you and your other son.

I may seem detached but thats because talking about your scenario helps me be that way.

In reality I am very concerned about how this will pan out tonight. My son must leave tonight or tomorrow morning. He is becoming so manipulative and nasty. I also know he has been drinking today which will not help, but I also know that once it's done my life will be so much better.

Omg pulling that’s so sad, you are amazingly brave. You do get to a point we’re you sort of get numb when talking about it, iv cried so much over the years iv no tears left.
It’s lovely though to hear you will be proposing ahhh would it be bad to say a shhhhh secret congrats ha!
And so your son, you’ve given the deadline? Is he going to go freely do you think or be stupid about it?
I hope he just goes as per your wishes it’s just more heart ache you don’t need ey.
Plz do keep us in the loop and update I’m worrying about you now, so honestly just you poor your heart, out shout scream whatever helps I’ll be on here for support, praying it goes smoothly. Is your partner going to be with you until he’s gone?
I’m sat here typing and my back gate went ‘my heart sank and I just felt myself tensing up immediately but it was my eldest coming home.
So I know it’s got to be addressed as I’m not feeling like this all over again.
So waiting to see what tonight/ weekend will bring.
Do update pulling thinking of you.

He has gone with no drama. Although he took suitcases my dead gramps gave me and a scalextric that wasn't his but tbh its a small price to pay for peace. I can live happily now!

Disclaimer - might cry on your shoulder tomorrow!

Keep strong Panda

That's good. You are well rid. I hope your life gets better now op.

Overthehills.
Pulling isn’t the op.

Pulling

I’m glad he’s gone with no drama. You are very strong. I’m so sorry your dds father has used your ds against you. . I do hope you can live a happy life.

over poor panda is suffering far worse.

mummy only way is up!

Oh pulling thank god, I feel relieved for you I really do, and hey you cry on my shoulder I mean it I’ll listen and pick up, we can help each other.
Get yourself a nice glass of wine 🍷 and chill out.
You are a great mum, and one day he will see and he will say sorry. But you deserve a happy life.
So for you 💐 and for all us mummy’s struggling.

I’m waiting for my ds to get home with my eldest and I half expect well no expect he will just act like nothings wrong and try his mr nice small talk, but the weekends long so we shall see!

Had half a bottle 😂

Each day as it comes!

How are things today Pandamanda3

Hi shiney
Oh things are no better it’s been horrible, he came in late last night with elder brother and friend who there both friends with. And he just point blank ignored me.
This morn he got up and again was ignoring but he was barging around the kitchen next to me, and I just felt horrible. I thought I’m not going to run and hide it’s my bloody kitchen but he was literally acting as though I wasn’t there like knocking past my shoulder and the like with a snarl on his face.
He went off on driving l and I left him a letter in his room which I know he wouldn’t of liked but needed to be done.
He’s now just gone out again slamming my door, no sorry no goodbye nothing.
So tbh I feel sick to the stomach and I just don’t know what to do? The letters gone and he’s apparently gone with his df, iv got a feeling he’s going to show him his letter.
Even though he didn’t talk to me I still felt that cold shudder you get it was a horrid atmosphere.
Just noticed he chucked all his shitty work clothes screws and plaster bits all over my stock for the shop. And he never brings his work stuff in the house it stays in the utility so I guess this is all part of him letting me know he’s not happy.
Sorry for the long rant x

Panda if you can pack up all of his stuff and leave it outside for him to collect or better still if you have a close friend of family member who would be on your side and would be happy to have the stuff picked up from they're home?

I'd lock the doors and windows and message him and arrange where he can pick his stuff up from and if rings you let it go to voicemail or let him text you,if there's any abuse or threats in the message/voicemail contact the Police and tell them what's happened and that you can't and won't have him back under your roof because of the danger he poses to you and your older DS,then if he is daft enough to turn up at your house give the Police a ring and they can come and deal with him for you.

What he's put you through is not normal and it's not acceptable,make this stand now whilst you still can before he does something that there's no coming back from,you standing up to him and putting space between you all might just be the shock that he needs to start sorting himself out,no matter what happens he has no one to blame but himself don't forget that,you'd gone above and beyond for your son,he's chose to behave the way he has and to treat you the way he has,no one forced him to do and say those things and he's old enough to learn that his serious actions have serious consequences

oh is on the money Panda please please get you and your eldest safe.

Oh Panda he’s being so aggressive and hostile. Throwing his dirty stuff on your stock is abusive. So glad you gave him the letter.

Hey, I know you’re all right it’s just getting the confidence to do it, he’s all over my eldest like a rash he’s so readable, they share the same circle of friends too which my eldest introduced him to so he knows he’ll go back to boaring nights in if he carry’s on with my eldest.
Plus my eldest is making point of being home when he is he’s here with me.
I just wonder if he’s even read my letter or has he given it straight to his father, it’s not in his room.
Iv become so suspicious and paranoid admittedly and I’m thinking all sorts.
Iv even sat today and thought I’d it about the house in some way you know the money.
I get 70% I make all decisions about it, he can’t however he persistently tells my son it’s still his house? 🙄
So with him being so ‘this is my house etc.. not wanting to go to his dads it’s concerned me.
I said to my sons when dh went that I would be giving what ever I bought to them so that they never worry and go through what we did again, and they know nobody can take there home away.
The night he was arrested we had to leave incase he came back and the police never told me he’d agreed to move out. So that next day Easter weekend we roamed around shell shocked in my car in a blind panick looking for someere we could rent because I did not think he’d leave. They went through hell and I promised it wouldn’t happen again. So I think my ex if that’s the case maybe telling him no stay until I get my share back. Something is just niggling at me.
Again sorry for rant, do tell me to shut up 🤐

Oh pulling forgot to ask how’s the head this morning 🍷👌 ha!
Hope your feeling ok about it all, look forward now not back 💐