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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU “asking my son to leave? Plz help!

207 replies

Pandamanda3 · 04/01/2018 12:53

Please can anybody help me ? I’m desperate.
My backstory first, my ex h was arrested 3 yrs ago for DV, we are now divorced, iv been through the worst divorce and was left with huge debts, so its killed me to stay afloat since.

My younger ds has learning diff and autism, but over years has made huge improvements he is now 18.
We’ve always been close, for most of his life I have been his 24/7 carer, he still has relationship with his dad who very controlling over him, both my boys struggled after dh left but youngest the most, he just went into fits of rage, so cutting story short I killed myself to get him counselling therapy for a year or more 2/3 times a week funded by me as dad wasn’t interested, but it really helped. He seemed a lot better. But over the last 12 months his aggression has grown & grown towards both myself & my eldest son , mainly me.
I suffer serious health issues and really haven’t been well, he knows this, he’s very demanding of my attention and his dad seems to just get the good side of him with the troubled side left to me.
He started to sort of emulate my ex dh controlling intimidating behaviours and I know now I failed there as I gave in to him forgave him and it’s now just grown to a sense of entitlement over me.
I tried with ever ounce of my soul to love and support him the best I could thinking that getting out of my marriage & showing him a normal loving fearless home Would be better.
Things have escalated and he took off the other morning at me, after I got up at 6am to prep his lunch for work, he then just took off and left for work. He works with his father another long story.
But he’d got the day wrong despite my telling him I didn’t think dad re-opened until today.
So He had to make his way home, but was pissed I didn’t go to pick him up. I instead paid the taxi as I wasn’t great especially after his morning outburst on me.
That afternoon he’s getting ready to go out with my eldest when he erupts again I’m in the firing line, I don’t even recall why? But in a nut shell he threatened to kill me, really threatened called me all sorts of painful things I just can’t forget then my elder son gets involved to try to stop him going at me, after an hour of abuse he left with my son I just wanted him out, after which I just fell to the floor in a heap devastated, I felt numb I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.
On his return he stayed in his room silence until yesterday Evening.
I’d gone to bed just feeling so poorly and drained & he’d been out at the gym with eldest.
Suddenly at 10.30 I’m woken by my eldest screaming for me to get up. He said they had gotten into a fight which resulted in him attacking my eldest, he told him he only speaks to him to use him for what he’s good for?
Soon after in walks younger one and they start up again, then he turns to me in my face and started again at me he wants to kill me I’m a bitch he hates me etc etc he’s waving his hands in my face I’m pinned to the wall with him towering over me. Just like his father exactly like his father.
He turned to my eldest and said “that’s what you do! how you deal with her” that’s what she needs the fuckin bitch. To get told.
I told him iv had enough I’m selling house he’s going to live with his father as he hates me so much. Something I never thought I’d ever say.
He refused with “this is my fuckin house and I’ll stay were I want! You C...

I have no contact with his father, and he will do anything he can to ruin my life so I can’t go to him, I also know he can’t survive alone due to difficulties and I just feel trapped and honestly do not know what to do?
Can anybody advise? I feel completely broken I don’t have anybody else to turn to,his family was my family and they turned on me when I divorced him and got the police. My parents live miles away, they say he’s got to go before he hurts me.
I feel like such a bad person wanting him to leave but I know I’m going through the same nightmare again I had with ex.
18 years it took me to wake up & leave and now it’s as if my son has taken his place.
Please be gentle I’m honestly at breaking point and have no we’re to turn.
Sorry for long story.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandamanda3 · 04/01/2018 13:33

Omg thank you so so much for all your reply’s I’m absolutely in tears at the support you guys don’t realised how much your responses are helping. Thank you, I’m trying to just read through & catch up on all reply’s and I’ll try to answer questions as I go.
He’s been working with his father for a few months but doesn’t have the maths & English needed to do course to qualify in his fathers trade so hence he was at college really doing well trying to get that.
But his dad told him to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandamanda3 · 04/01/2018 13:36

He left, he also knows it will now cut my tax credit help so out income will stop and tbh I need to sell house ASAP
He hasn’t offered any money but said last night to my son he’s only staying here because I’m in financial difficulties?
But my son said but u do f all to help!
My eldest is amazing does everything for me, I cannot fault him but he can’t have contact with ex either long story

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 04/01/2018 13:36

I am so, so sorry OP. I don't for a second suggest this lightly or imagine that it will be anything other than terrible for you, but call the police. Call them. He has to leave.

AdoraBell · 04/01/2018 13:39

Definitely call the police. He needs to be shown that his behaviour is wrong and you will not put up with it. And he needs to leave too.

If you want to sell the house and move on then do so. It may be his home, but he is now an adult so unless he owns the house he has no say on it being sold.

Also speak to Women’s Aid and do their Freedom programme.

debbs77 · 04/01/2018 13:41

Please call the police. I'm sure you don't want to but it may actually give him the shock he needs

Arrietty123 · 04/01/2018 13:41

Change the locks now and call the police. Call women's aid to get support and advice. I know he has autism but that's no defence for the way he behaved. He sounds like a very angry man with no respect for others. He will only get worse if left unchecked. Please get some help. You've done your absolute best but now it's up to him as an adult to deal with the consequences of his actions. Really feeling for you and your older son right now Flowers

Cbaanymore123 · 04/01/2018 13:41

No advice except to stay strong and do what's best for you.

This is taking a toll on you and your eldest. You will feel so free once it's just you two. Flowers

Terrylene · 04/01/2018 13:43

Ring the police now and get talking to them. You need to get the ball rolling.

TheDamnedTruth · 04/01/2018 13:43

Please call the police. Change the locks. Do not let him in your house again.
He has his fathers house that he can go to.

Original poster
Pandamanda3 · 04/01/2018 13:47

I feel so bad, like I’m deserting a vulnerable person and he is vulnerable.
His dad won’t speak to me, won’t take him plus my son refuses to go with him.
Which I can’t understand? As he hates me so much.
In reply to somebody up thread I have let this happen I see it’s my fault for not setting boundary’s but I thought give him the opposite to bad and love will finally conquer all. Stupidly I know iv made excuses for him as I felt we’ll feel totally embarrassed.
I’m sitting in my pj looking an absolute mess, I just feel numb like dead inside.
I know he has to go but where I couldn’t bring myself to see him in a cell.
I couldn’t plus I’m scared of my ex I know he will just want me dead if I report my son, he’s punished me for the last 3 years in all mannir of ways for reporting him.

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 04/01/2018 13:52

OP, don't think about it too much. Just pick up the phone.

You are on the way to being seriously assaulted by him.

At the moment you're more vulnerable than him as you are at risk of assault.

This could be the push son needs to change.

Please call the police.

HSMMaCM · 04/01/2018 13:52

You will not only be protecting yourself, you will be protecting your other son as well. He will have a lot of respect for you when you show him you will not be bullied. Let the bully go and live with his father.

mrsharrison · 04/01/2018 13:53

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your eldest who is also in his firing line.
Calling the police on someone you love is painful. I've done it and it hurt so much but you are in real danger here.

TheDamnedTruth · 04/01/2018 13:56

How has he punished you?

You need to get yourself and your eldest away. Move ASAP please!

Your not abandoning him, he has a father who he CAN go to. Just tell him there's no other option, it's his father or a jail cell.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2018 13:57

You can't go on like this! He has to go. He is violent.

misssjw · 04/01/2018 13:57

If you do not report your sons behaviour, you may well end up with two sons having lost a mother. You cannot underestimate these threats and your son needs to see repercussions for his behaviour, not just for your sake but for your whole families. It takes guts but I have lost friends through DV - it is serious. His behaviour seems to be escalating and his boundaries are blurred. Do everything you can to safeguard yourself and your other son - you will be OK. You are not the only person in the world going through this, you are not alone and there is help out there - sending hugs.

horatioisabrick · 04/01/2018 14:00

OP, you do not need to feel bad. He may be vulnerable but this does not excuse this.

He didn't "just" snap once / said some "mean" things when he was angry.

He has threatened to kill you repeatedly. He has attacked you repeatedly. he does not respect you or your property at all. He has also attacked DS1.

Please call the police. You would be doing DS2 a favour as well, btw.

horatioisabrick · 04/01/2018 14:02

His behaviour seems to have gotten progressively worse.

This might genuinely escalate. He could really hurt or even kill you!!

Your sons would be without a mother, DS1 would be without anyone (seeing as he'd lose his brother as well and doesn't have contact with his father) and DS2 would be in jail...

Not doing anything could very well have a much worse impact on you and your sons that calling the police and making him move out!!

Original poster
Pandamanda3 · 04/01/2018 14:03

My ex has manipulated my son I know that much, but he is very vocal at telling my son that he hates me he stayed silent during the divorce but now it’s over he can do what the f he wants and I should realise he’s the boss repeatedly tell my son it’s his house he’s letting me live here to care for him.
Truth is it’s 70% mine, legally. But I know my ex and I know he’ll do something to me if I reported my son.
I already look over my shoulder as 3 years on he’s still as angry as he was the night I had him arrested.

OP posts:
horatioisabrick · 04/01/2018 14:05

Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean.

But I'm genuinely worried about your safety.

Please call the police.

You can do it. You can protect yourself and thereby also protect DS1 (from potentially losing his whole family) and DS2!

Calling the police wouldn't be you "abandoning" or "punishing" DS2.

I genuinely believe that this would be the best for you and your sons.

Flowers
debbs77 · 04/01/2018 14:06

You need to tell the police your fears about your ex too. There is no way you should live like this

If you won't do it for you, can you do it for your eldest son, before he becomes a target too?

horatioisabrick · 04/01/2018 14:07

My ex has manipulated my son I know that much

Which is why it's even more important that he doesn't suceed it escalating this even more.

I know he’ll do something to me if I reported my son.
I already look over my shoulder as 3 years on he’s still as angry as he was the night I had him arrested.

i'm so sorry. But with the current situation it looks like he's getting your (admittedly vulnerable!) son to do it for him!

please call the police and women's aid.

Do you have family you can stay with? Maybe a few hours awa?

Notreallyarsed · 04/01/2018 14:10

I agree about calling women’s aid and the police OP, might I also include adult SS in that as they may be able to offer your son structured support to change his behaviour and manage his anger in the future. I am not all suggesting he should stay with you, I think that keeping you safe is what is important. The reason I added adult SS is so that you can be safe and also feel like you’re helping him too, which is a theme I’ve heard throughout your thread. Best of luck OP Flowers

WinnieFosterTether · 04/01/2018 14:10

Panda I said you have poor boundaries. I didn't say this was your fault. It isn't. But the previous abuse you have suffered is affecting you.

You need someone to hold your hand through this. Contact Woman's Aid. It's easy for people on MN to say 'do this' or 'do that' but it's completely understandable that you're frightened of the repercussions. You need RL support and professional advice. Please contact Woman's Aid today Flowers

StormTreader · 04/01/2018 14:16

OK, its time to drop all the blame you are carrying for everything.
Your son has been turned into a dangerous man by your ex, and he is abusing you. Thats the facts of it.
As much as you love him and are trying to protect him, protecting him from the consequences of his own actions is not helping you, or him, or his brother.
He needs to learn that how he has been taught to act is wrong and is not acceptable, not just morally but legally, otherwise he will carry on treating every other woman he meets the way he is treating you.

He thinks you are powerless, you are not, no woman is if they can access outside help.
He needs to be shown the full consequences that his behaviour and actions have bought him in able to be able to grow into a better person from where he is now.