AIBU “asking my son to leave? Plz help!

[Pandamanda3]

Please can anybody help me ? I’m desperate.
My backstory first, my ex h was arrested 3 yrs ago for DV, we are now divorced, iv been through the worst divorce and was left with huge debts, so its killed me to stay afloat since.

My younger ds has learning diff and autism, but over years has made huge improvements he is now 18.
We’ve always been close, for most of his life I have been his 24/7 carer, he still has relationship with his dad who very controlling over him, both my boys struggled after dh left but youngest the most, he just went into fits of rage, so cutting story short I killed myself to get him counselling therapy for a year or more 2/3 times a week funded by me as dad wasn’t interested, but it really helped. He seemed a lot better. But over the last 12 months his aggression has grown & grown towards both myself & my eldest son , mainly me.
I suffer serious health issues and really haven’t been well, he knows this, he’s very demanding of my attention and his dad seems to just get the good side of him with the troubled side left to me.
He started to sort of emulate my ex dh controlling intimidating behaviours and I know now I failed there as I gave in to him forgave him and it’s now just grown to a sense of entitlement over me.
I tried with ever ounce of my soul to love and support him the best I could thinking that getting out of my marriage & showing him a normal loving fearless home Would be better.
Things have escalated and he took off the other morning at me, after I got up at 6am to prep his lunch for work, he then just took off and left for work. He works with his father another long story.
But he’d got the day wrong despite my telling him I didn’t think dad re-opened until today.
So He had to make his way home, but was pissed I didn’t go to pick him up. I instead paid the taxi as I wasn’t great especially after his morning outburst on me.
That afternoon he’s getting ready to go out with my eldest when he erupts again I’m in the firing line, I don’t even recall why? But in a nut shell he threatened to kill me, really threatened called me all sorts of painful things I just can’t forget then my elder son gets involved to try to stop him going at me, after an hour of abuse he left with my son I just wanted him out, after which I just fell to the floor in a heap devastated, I felt numb I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.
On his return he stayed in his room silence until yesterday Evening.
I’d gone to bed just feeling so poorly and drained & he’d been out at the gym with eldest.
Suddenly at 10.30 I’m woken by my eldest screaming for me to get up. He said they had gotten into a fight which resulted in him attacking my eldest, he told him he only speaks to him to use him for what he’s good for?
Soon after in walks younger one and they start up again, then he turns to me in my face and started again at me he wants to kill me I’m a bitch he hates me etc etc he’s waving his hands in my face I’m pinned to the wall with him towering over me. Just like his father exactly like his father.
He turned to my eldest and said “that’s what you do! how you deal with her” that’s what she needs the fuckin bitch. To get told.
I told him iv had enough I’m selling house he’s going to live with his father as he hates me so much. Something I never thought I’d ever say.
He refused with “this is my fuckin house and I’ll stay were I want! You C...

I have no contact with his father, and he will do anything he can to ruin my life so I can’t go to him, I also know he can’t survive alone due to difficulties and I just feel trapped and honestly do not know what to do?
Can anybody advise? I feel completely broken I don’t have anybody else to turn to,his family was my family and they turned on me when I divorced him and got the police. My parents live miles away, they say he’s got to go before he hurts me.
I feel like such a bad person wanting him to leave but I know I’m going through the same nightmare again I had with ex.
18 years it took me to wake up & leave and now it’s as if my son has taken his place.
Please be gentle I’m honestly at breaking point and have no we’re to turn.
Sorry for long story.

OP, this is a scary read! Your son’s abuse of you sounds like it is ramping up a lot. The way he spoke to you before though is totally unacceptable, so this abuse doesn’t sound so sudden. You managed to get away from an abusive ex. Don’t hesitate or make excuses for your son. It’s not only for your own safety but that of others if you don’t take action. He turned into a brutal abuser of women. Please, please stop that from escalating even further. Even the palpable intimidation since is simply not acceptable.

Categorically am not going to tell you to shut up. You rant away. Get it off your chest, clear your head. That way clarity comes. You can do this Panda I promise you. Even if you need a huge burst of anger, or tears, or fear. Let it go. I promise you that the strength will come.

Ha ha Panda I've been cleaning all day and never awoke with a headache so can't be too bad.

Maybe the cleaning was cleansing?

I did have one monumental breakdown on my dog but swiftly got over myself 😂

Iv been cleaning too pulling your not alone, and fixing my washing machine which was having a day off!
Anything to take my mind off it, temptess your right it has been going on a while, if I’m honest not like this recent outburst but regular put downs and belittling which drives me insanity from a child.
Well man now but still not appreciated.
He’s been in & straight out again so haven’t even had chance to question his feeling on the letter, once again I was just ignored, mind you there friend was here too ready to go for tea so it wouldn’t have been an appropriate time.
He 100% knows I’m pissed ‘which that’s an underestimate’, so I doubt he will be keen to talk.
My eldest said “if he doesn’t come to me in a few days with something, not that an apology would cut it but something then he said yeh Mum I reckon it’s time to pack his bags. So I think he is also conscious he’s made no effort at all.

Ohtheholidays is so right. Idk how you cope putting up with your ds coming home every day with this attitude. I would be a gibbering wreck. Please get yourself safe. If your ex is manipulating your ds to this extent you are going to need to find strength to fight. I also think in this instance it would be better to get your ds somewhere neutral.

pulling, hope you’re doing ok.

You gave him a latter offering him a chance to make it right, as your elder DS asked and he has thrown it back in your face. Time to pack his bags and change the locks before one of you is more seriously hurt.

Enjoy the rest of your life with your lovely DS1.

Does your son have any social work or other professional input? It’s clear he can no longer stay living with you, for everyone’s sake! If his health conditions mean he would be unable to live independently then he should be entitled to a social work assessment to look at securing him his own tenancy with whatever support is required. It may not happen overnight but you need to start the process ASAP before anything serious happens. Also contacting the police any time you feel in danger.

Mummy I'm ok. I'm safe. More worried about how to help Panda.

I did have a cry yesterday, and no doubt I will today but like I said I am safe. I can move forward now.

Pulling. Early days. . I imagine you’re going through a type of bereavement and relief all mixed together.

I am worried too. She needs to get safe.

Does your DS have a social worker? Although I 100% agree that he must move out of your house right away, he is still vulnerable and social services still have a duty of care to him despite him being 18 due to his SEN and autism. Moving in with his dad would be bad for him and put him on a path to eventual jail as his father will teach him more misogyny and violence towards all women not just you. His father is therefore a threat to his future well-being and so ds needs to be protected from his father as well as you needing to be protected from ds. However - you can't be the one to provide that protection directly. You are in danger yourself. You need urgent intervention from you social services team for vulnerable adults and young people.

Oh what a scary situation. Yanbu, he has to move out. Call the police. You cannot live like this.

I agree that you should contact the learning disability/adult social services team. It might also be worth talking to CAB to make sure you’re getting any benefits you can.

I've read through the thread op and something which strikes me is his ability to maintain friendships and a hobby.
You're excuses that his disability is the cause of his abusive behaviour but he seems to be able to function well in other areas of his life.
This is abuse and only you can show him that's it won't be tolerated.
In the long term you are doing him a favour as if he goes on to treat all women like he treats you he will end up in prison.

Hear hear Led. Excellent post.

Thanks fern I work with young people like the ops son and I often challenge them with this. It makes them think about how they actually can make choices when they want to.
I doubt this young man shouts and screams in the face of his mates if they disagree white him.
I'd also be chatting to his martial arts teacher as I'm sure he wouldn't be too impressed either.
MA is all about discipline and non aggressiveness unless for self defence, not screaming and abusing your sick mother.

Hi everyone thank you so much for staying on my thread and with me on this I appreciate the advise, and tbh I don’t feel so alone in the problem.
I know I’d have to get him support to move, as he couldn’t cope alone and I think as a mother these are the things that play heavy on my mind. He has managed to become social with a select group but it wasn’t or didn’t come natural if you get me it was more he’s learnt what’s required. His main difficulties apart from anger are things like money everyday tasks etc iv only just started him on a bank account he struggles to tell the time still but to look at him you would think ordinary everyday teen.
His father only has a 1 bed lux apartment, he cried during div that he needed a whole host of things for when the boys stay, I agreed said yes whatever it takes as I knew he had to start again.
But he didn’t do any of the above, he waited till divorce was through and then took ds to his new app he’d been lying telling him he lived with his dm for a year and half.
Then he shows him his brand new lux car, and I mean lux, he took all our savings everything even the boys bonds, I wouldn’t want him going to him.
My update anyway is he came out of his room at 3 and ignored me. I said don’t touch oven as iv got cleaner in it and it burns he just stood and turned his nose then turned away, so still nothing.
It’s hurting like hell, iv been so poorly today with my tum problems and I just feel like walking out the door and leaving it all behind.

Panda keep posting. Anything that keeps your head above water.

Hi pulling
Feel like I’m ranting ha! It just doesn’t get any easier I wish I’d toughen the hell up. My eldest said to him before “this is nearly a week now and you still haven’t spoken to Mum”.
He replied “AND???i don’t want to so just leave it as far as I’m concerned she’s not here! That’s it.
Then he had the cheek to try & arrange his mate round for a curry night.
In my living room, he usual comes but lately it’s been like constantly and my youngest sits in the living room with him so I end up in bed.
So I sent him a text (stupid as he’s just up stairs) told him to guess again nobody comes round unless I say! And outlined again I meant what I said in the letter. Thinking it would prompt him.
Nop he stormed past before and again ignored.

Start planning Panda and keep ranting away!

OP Disregarding the Autism to one side. The effect of DV on children is unreal, to the point the DC’s are most likely to emulate the abuser or suffer with mental health difficulties.

I have said this on a board before. If my teenage son physically abuses me, he will not be in my house. Your DS needs help, but not from you, professional help.

If it helps you, please keep posting.
This picture is for you:

Maybe if he really knows you mean what you say there may be some improvement but my guess is that he will eventually lose his temper over something trivial and then it will all come to a head.

This may be the calm before the storm so don't let your guard down. Keep that phone to hand at all times and be prepared to phone the police when he eventually snaps.

Panda how are you?

Good morning pulling erm pretty much the same tbh how r u? Hope your ok and your not shedding no tears! Unless there tears of relief and joy that is.

Iv made no headway with my son at all and he doesn’t seem to have calmed down any as he was his snappy self last night, nothing major he asked my eldest to drop him at the station in the next town this morn for work, he said yeh sure but make sure you get me up early enough iv got to defrost the car and with that he snapped it doesn’t matter I’ll get s taxi and stormed up stairs. So I said look he said he will he just needs a little time to sort the car so your not late, and boom snarly reply’s start “iv called a f in taxi ran down stairs iv called a taxi so it’s too late blah blah to his brother?
I won’t even try to understand it I can’t.
But yesterday I called the ehcp officer and have left a message to see if they can offer any help I had to it had been going round and round in my mind for ages and I called and left a message so I’m hoping I get some advise today and what if anything they can help with.

Panda after my tears the other day all I have felt now is relief. I feel so free. It is brilliant.

Dp and I have discussed getting married in a couple of years. So things are definitely looking up.

Glad to hear you have done something. I bet just that call has made you feel so much better.