AIBU “asking my son to leave? Plz help!

[Pandamanda3]

Please can anybody help me ? I’m desperate.
My backstory first, my ex h was arrested 3 yrs ago for DV, we are now divorced, iv been through the worst divorce and was left with huge debts, so its killed me to stay afloat since.

My younger ds has learning diff and autism, but over years has made huge improvements he is now 18.
We’ve always been close, for most of his life I have been his 24/7 carer, he still has relationship with his dad who very controlling over him, both my boys struggled after dh left but youngest the most, he just went into fits of rage, so cutting story short I killed myself to get him counselling therapy for a year or more 2/3 times a week funded by me as dad wasn’t interested, but it really helped. He seemed a lot better. But over the last 12 months his aggression has grown & grown towards both myself & my eldest son , mainly me.
I suffer serious health issues and really haven’t been well, he knows this, he’s very demanding of my attention and his dad seems to just get the good side of him with the troubled side left to me.
He started to sort of emulate my ex dh controlling intimidating behaviours and I know now I failed there as I gave in to him forgave him and it’s now just grown to a sense of entitlement over me.
I tried with ever ounce of my soul to love and support him the best I could thinking that getting out of my marriage & showing him a normal loving fearless home Would be better.
Things have escalated and he took off the other morning at me, after I got up at 6am to prep his lunch for work, he then just took off and left for work. He works with his father another long story.
But he’d got the day wrong despite my telling him I didn’t think dad re-opened until today.
So He had to make his way home, but was pissed I didn’t go to pick him up. I instead paid the taxi as I wasn’t great especially after his morning outburst on me.
That afternoon he’s getting ready to go out with my eldest when he erupts again I’m in the firing line, I don’t even recall why? But in a nut shell he threatened to kill me, really threatened called me all sorts of painful things I just can’t forget then my elder son gets involved to try to stop him going at me, after an hour of abuse he left with my son I just wanted him out, after which I just fell to the floor in a heap devastated, I felt numb I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.
On his return he stayed in his room silence until yesterday Evening.
I’d gone to bed just feeling so poorly and drained & he’d been out at the gym with eldest.
Suddenly at 10.30 I’m woken by my eldest screaming for me to get up. He said they had gotten into a fight which resulted in him attacking my eldest, he told him he only speaks to him to use him for what he’s good for?
Soon after in walks younger one and they start up again, then he turns to me in my face and started again at me he wants to kill me I’m a bitch he hates me etc etc he’s waving his hands in my face I’m pinned to the wall with him towering over me. Just like his father exactly like his father.
He turned to my eldest and said “that’s what you do! how you deal with her” that’s what she needs the fuckin bitch. To get told.
I told him iv had enough I’m selling house he’s going to live with his father as he hates me so much. Something I never thought I’d ever say.
He refused with “this is my fuckin house and I’ll stay were I want! You C...

I have no contact with his father, and he will do anything he can to ruin my life so I can’t go to him, I also know he can’t survive alone due to difficulties and I just feel trapped and honestly do not know what to do?
Can anybody advise? I feel completely broken I don’t have anybody else to turn to,his family was my family and they turned on me when I divorced him and got the police. My parents live miles away, they say he’s got to go before he hurts me.
I feel like such a bad person wanting him to leave but I know I’m going through the same nightmare again I had with ex.
18 years it took me to wake up & leave and now it’s as if my son has taken his place.
Please be gentle I’m honestly at breaking point and have no we’re to turn.
Sorry for long story.

Are you in contact with adult social services? My DC has autism, and was offered a place in a unit designed to help young autistic adults learn how to bee independent. It was just offered as an option, he doesn't give me any trouble. Maybe that's something to look into?

Speak to the local police, not 999, tell them what is happening. Call social services and arrange a referral, they may need you to go through your GP.

you can’t do this alone. You need professional help.
Please call social services, women’s aid or the police.

All of these organisations can help

Be strong.

Other than the police and WA -

I would contact SS Adult Social Care Team which are services for vulnerable adults to see what they can offer him.

I'd also contact the local council housing department and get him registered as needing emergency housing - or ask his brother to help him register himself. He will need to make a homelessness application.

He should come under priority as he is 'vulnerable'.

Speak to the local police, not 999, tell them what is happening. Call social services and arrange a referral, they may need you to go through your GP.

Yes. Please do.
You and your son need help.

You are in an abusive relationship by proxy. Your vulnerable son has been manipulated and poisoned into becoming his father's representative. You have to talk to people about this - GP, social services, women's aid, and the police. You need help urgently, and your DS does too, before both your lives are ruined.

Ah Winnie no I understand, I know I have had poor boundary’s and if I’m honest After my ex left I didn’t process my abuse and I didn’t get time to recover if you get me? I saw my boys in turnmoil and just though no stop iv got to put my feelings aside to get a grip of things for them. And so I just feel like iv been on a train going 100mph for years.
But if I’m honest I stoped the other night & recognised I’m acting like a victim I’m letting myself become a victim again to try and avoid the arguments and abuse tip toeing around as not to upset him.
Just like I used to do and that made me wake up, I’m really in the whole not good with my health and I guess he’s just thriving on my weakness.

My eldest ds has asked I don’t throw him out!
To my shock he wants to give him one last chance, he’s such a good kid big heart and amazingly supportive but he wants him to stay and have a chance as he said he’ll be doomed if he goes to my ex now

OP you’re putting the blame for this on your shoulders, it is NOT your fault. It’s clear you’ve done your very best and have been undermined at every turn by your abusive ex. This isn’t your fault, you didn’t let it happen, it was done to you (and your son) by him. You can do this, I promise you can.

Panda i too look over my shoulder for my violent ex.
However he knows not to do anything because he is on the police radar and he knows i wouldnt hesitate to call them.
My mistake was letting it go on so long. My mindset was like yours - fear of doing the wrong thing, thinking i could solve the problem on my own.
Please pick up the phone now.

The younger as learned be the abuser. The elder has learned to be an enabler, a co-dependent.

Break the cycle.

Call the police and tell them about the death threats and your fears about your ex.

I agree with Rabbit, the older has learned from you to be the fixer, the nice one who smooths things over in the hope the mean people start being nicer because they are being so nice.

Tell your eldest "Its not that I dont love YS, but the way he has spoken and acted to me is not acceptable, its abusive and I wont be abused any more, by anyone."

Op sometimes in order to help other people you have to prioritise helping yourself. As Runrabbit has already said your son's have learnt their roles from living in an abusive household. It's NOT your fault but nothing will change until you prioritise your own needs. Please phone Women's Aid and start the ball rolling, you cannot keep living in fear, you deserve better. Your son needs the be removed for everyone's safety. It doesn't have to be forever but it does have to happen if anything is going to change. Sharing dna does not make it ok to abuse someone and he's abusing you just exactly the same as his father did.

the older has learned from you to be the fixer, the nice one who smooths things over in the hope the mean people start being nicer because they are being so nice.

That's a pretty accurate description of my behaviour/ role when I was a teen and a young adult.

Not trying to make it about me but mumsnet is sometimes honestly great. So many insightful users and other people's threads and comments have honestly helped me a lot.

Anyhow, this isn't about me. OP:

Your ex is still abusing you (he's instrumentalising your son). He's an abusive, manipulative cunt and DS2 clearly needs an intervention / help.

Please call the police.

You managed to leave your ex. You're strong. You can do this.

Perhaps if you go out for a meal just you and your two boys and say everything to your son, keep it calm but firm and make sure he knows he's on his final earning, make sure you give both him and his brother a chance to talk too. If things don't calm down then you've given him his final warning.

If you have learned anything about abuse then you will know that it doesn’t change.

If you do nothing then the cycle will continue to repeat itself.

Your eldest telling you to give your youngest another chance seems to be just like you all those years ago

Be wise and move him out.

My eldest ds has asked I don’t throw him out!
To my shock he wants to give him one last chance, he’s such a good kid big heart and amazingly supportive but he wants him to stay and have a chance as he said he’ll be doomed if he goes to my ex now

Please go out with you eldest. Have an honest talk and explain that this is not acceptable and too dangerous. And that you are trying to do what's best for your son. Which is getting professional help for all of you!

And that you won't just "send" him to your ex. Please call social services.

*Please go out with your eldest.

I mean outside the house. Away from DS2 so you can talk without getting disturbed.

Your all right I see that and if it were me talking to someone else I’d say the same I’d think they were crazy for allowing it, I just never imagined I’d be going through this with my 18 year old son,
I can’t excuse him either as I know both my children were brought up to know right from wrong iv drilled it into them that you have to treat everyone with dignity and kindness I wanted them to be good husbands one day. So he knows and it really hurts when I have no more excuses to use ‘he is abusing!

I will call women’s aid and have a chat, and I think maybe I may write a letter to my son and explain he’s going to be leaving when the house is sold like it or not & to stay until he will have to control himself and if not tell him I will have no option but to call police.

He mocks me about calling them on his father ‘ahhh what you’ll call the police like u did to dad’ etc etc

It’s so crazy I feel like someone just ripped my heart out my chest, he’ll be home later from work n so I expect it will escalate and I may be pushed to do what I dread doing.

I’ll update you lovely ladies n (gents) if any on today and let you know. Your support is amazing it’s nice to know I’m not going mad & it’s not me.

for you, OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please believe that this is not your fault and do what you have to do to stay safe.

You want your sons to be good husbands? Well that starts today by having your son arrested for being abusive towards women. He should have to explain that to every woman he is with so they can make intelligent choices on who they are with.

You will be making his life better by reporting him today- because otherwise it will be murder or serious violence that he is arrested for. I would only be accepting him back into the family home if he cuts off contact with your ex as well. You don’t need that toxic bastard and his toxic bastard views in your home anymore

May not mean much from an internet stranger but it's great that you've decided you need help.

the first step was mumsnet, now deciding to call woman's aid... You can do it

Reporting your son might be what saves him from doing something much worse (to you or someone else) and might also help DS1 in the long run.

DS1 was attacked by DS2, has watched him abuse you and still wants to give him a chance.... It really does look like he has been taught to enable abusers.

So yeah, please call woman's aid, social services and the police.

You are entitled to your own safety. Your other son is entitled to his safety. Recognise your own vulnerability here.

You can not protect your son, if he seriously harms you or your other son. He has responsibility for his own violence even if he himself is vulnerable or has been manipulated. Ironically the current situation puts him at risk of doing this if you allow him to stay.

It does him no favours to let this continue in this direction, without making a clear assertion that, no this is not how you should be treated and no you should not be controlled by him. His mindset is too deeply ingrained already and he won't get anything else.

I feel for you. My 16 year old has announced he is going to live with his father from this weekend. Tbh I am relieved. He is as abusive as his father, and I can no longer control him. He is almost destroying me.

OP, you sound stronger already.

Please do keep us updated.

You’re NOT a bad mother for knowing that you need to get your son out of the house. You’ve done everything you can and more than most people would manage.

You can’t do this on your own, Panda.

Call the police and the other resources mentioned in the thread for help. You need to ensure your own safety, first and foremost.

Also, not trying to be a "bitch":

"and if it were me talking to someone else I’d say the same I’d think they were crazy for allowing it,"

If it makes it easier... He has assaulted DS1 as well.

Calling the police and SS is imo the best way of protecting DS2 from himself and DS1 from DS2...