AIBU “asking my son to leave? Plz help!

[Pandamanda3]

Please can anybody help me ? I’m desperate.
My backstory first, my ex h was arrested 3 yrs ago for DV, we are now divorced, iv been through the worst divorce and was left with huge debts, so its killed me to stay afloat since.

My younger ds has learning diff and autism, but over years has made huge improvements he is now 18.
We’ve always been close, for most of his life I have been his 24/7 carer, he still has relationship with his dad who very controlling over him, both my boys struggled after dh left but youngest the most, he just went into fits of rage, so cutting story short I killed myself to get him counselling therapy for a year or more 2/3 times a week funded by me as dad wasn’t interested, but it really helped. He seemed a lot better. But over the last 12 months his aggression has grown & grown towards both myself & my eldest son , mainly me.
I suffer serious health issues and really haven’t been well, he knows this, he’s very demanding of my attention and his dad seems to just get the good side of him with the troubled side left to me.
He started to sort of emulate my ex dh controlling intimidating behaviours and I know now I failed there as I gave in to him forgave him and it’s now just grown to a sense of entitlement over me.
I tried with ever ounce of my soul to love and support him the best I could thinking that getting out of my marriage & showing him a normal loving fearless home Would be better.
Things have escalated and he took off the other morning at me, after I got up at 6am to prep his lunch for work, he then just took off and left for work. He works with his father another long story.
But he’d got the day wrong despite my telling him I didn’t think dad re-opened until today.
So He had to make his way home, but was pissed I didn’t go to pick him up. I instead paid the taxi as I wasn’t great especially after his morning outburst on me.
That afternoon he’s getting ready to go out with my eldest when he erupts again I’m in the firing line, I don’t even recall why? But in a nut shell he threatened to kill me, really threatened called me all sorts of painful things I just can’t forget then my elder son gets involved to try to stop him going at me, after an hour of abuse he left with my son I just wanted him out, after which I just fell to the floor in a heap devastated, I felt numb I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.
On his return he stayed in his room silence until yesterday Evening.
I’d gone to bed just feeling so poorly and drained & he’d been out at the gym with eldest.
Suddenly at 10.30 I’m woken by my eldest screaming for me to get up. He said they had gotten into a fight which resulted in him attacking my eldest, he told him he only speaks to him to use him for what he’s good for?
Soon after in walks younger one and they start up again, then he turns to me in my face and started again at me he wants to kill me I’m a bitch he hates me etc etc he’s waving his hands in my face I’m pinned to the wall with him towering over me. Just like his father exactly like his father.
He turned to my eldest and said “that’s what you do! how you deal with her” that’s what she needs the fuckin bitch. To get told.
I told him iv had enough I’m selling house he’s going to live with his father as he hates me so much. Something I never thought I’d ever say.
He refused with “this is my fuckin house and I’ll stay were I want! You C...

I have no contact with his father, and he will do anything he can to ruin my life so I can’t go to him, I also know he can’t survive alone due to difficulties and I just feel trapped and honestly do not know what to do?
Can anybody advise? I feel completely broken I don’t have anybody else to turn to,his family was my family and they turned on me when I divorced him and got the police. My parents live miles away, they say he’s got to go before he hurts me.
I feel like such a bad person wanting him to leave but I know I’m going through the same nightmare again I had with ex.
18 years it took me to wake up & leave and now it’s as if my son has taken his place.
Please be gentle I’m honestly at breaking point and have no we’re to turn.
Sorry for long story.

My heart goes out to you. This is a truly horrendous situation. First, call women’s aid. Second, find somewhere safe to go if you can. Can you stay with your parents and take your other son? Call the police first to make them aware of how much in danger you are from both your husband and son. Change the locks and put the house on the market . When it’s sold try and move to a new area and start another life. If your son can’t or won’t stay with his father, social services will have to find him somewhere to live. He’s got no one to blame but himself. He’s an abusive bully. Your other son should not be stuck in the middle of this. Sending you hugs, you poor poor woman.

There is support there now for over 16s which didn't exist a few years ago. My DC got counselling as part of his support. A EHCP covers education, health and care. You should have a yearly meeting with the relevant professionals to go over what he needs, and adult social services should be involved now. It sounds like you need to go back to your GP, to talk about everything and ask how they can help, and contact social services too. You're clearly not getting the help you are entitled to.

Please please call the police. You should not and do not have to put up with this again. He is an adult now and you no longer have to provide anything for him. Look after yourself, you come first. Good luck.

Op what a terrible situation for you. I hope your safe. Keep logging and call 999 if you feel threatened please.

Look to the future after you sell, Imagine a lovely peaceful and comforting place, your ex has no financial hold over. Preferably with one bedroom.

Please consider the lesson you want DS to learn long term. With the right support from Women’s Aid or Social Services, your son could turn around. Without support, you set the pattern for long term behaviour for any future relationships or interactions with carers that your son may have.

You sound like a lovely Mum Panda. So sorry you're going through all of this. Stay safe

You are a great mum - that really shines out. Very often, being a great mum isn't just about the good times. So awful that your ex is manipulating a young man who needs support from his dad. Your ex is evil.

You poor thing. You sound like the best Mum. I hope he sees that one day.

I know this will have been said in the five pages before I post, but I’m going to say, the answer should not be any different because he is your son, if he was any other man, you’d be told to get away from him.... you need to do this. As hard as that will sound.

You must be devastated but he’s abusing you, you need to keep yourself safe from him.

I agree it's worth telling adult social services what's going on, and that you have to sell the house. Sorry you're going through this shit.

Sorry for you, too, pulling.

Please do call the police if he starts again, imagine him like this with someone else in his life. He needs to learn this is not acceptable.

Thanks lineys I think Panda is doing fantastically well.

I've reacted quickly to my son's behaviour. Monday he kicked off, and Monday night it was agreed he'd live with his father. Last place I want him to go but sadly he is his fathers son. Feels entitled to the point of emotional blackmail, and he has started getting physical too. I am not unwell but I am 6" shorter and 3st lighter. Although my partner wouldn't have it if he witnessed a physical assault he doesn't need to be in this position, and tbh I am not going to live with someone that abuses me in that way. Bad enough with my ex.

Panda stay strong. You need to live away from your son (or rather he you)

I don’t think he’d intentionally want to hurt me but he can’t control himself

This really stood out to me. It sums up my brother pretty much. He’s a big, tall bloke, works out, is also overweight and powerful. If you ask him if he wants to do me harm, i don’t doubt it would be no. Yet he, like your ds cannot help himself. The threats, abuse, nastiness, occasional violence have left me no choice but to the nc.

I cannot trust that he won’t decide to hurt me if he feels his position is threatened. And just my being in his presence seems to do so. Your ds sounds similar. He’s been taught what his position is by your ex and what your role is. If you don’t fulfill those expectations, he is quick to anger. And cannot control himself. You are NOT safe.

You had the same treatment from your ex. It doesn’t matter that your ds is autistic or that your ex is perhaps not. Inside you, you know this to be true. The result is the same.

Idk why your eldest cannot be in contact with your ex. However, I suspect it may be because your ex was unable to manipulate him in the same way as he is too similar to you. You need to get yourself and your boys safe. The way you will hopefully do this is to distance everyone from your ex and to have your ds placed in a suitable environment away from you.

I am wondering if your son is also taking steroids. It could explain the rages. (Especially if he is prone to them in the first place.). I'm greatly concerned for your safety, OP.

Excellent post Mummy sorry about the situation with your brother.

Morning everyone
Thanks for all the kind responses, I am more and more surprised by just how many people have been affected by this type of situation, and I’m sorry to hear about others experiences,
Pulling I wish I was more like you, I guess I’m just weak I’m so bloody soft I really am.
My ex was on steroids yes to answer above pp but I don’t think youngest wud be, he’s diabetic too so I know he’d have ended up in a&e before now if so.
I lay half the night looking for triggers and I think the main trigger was the morning it started I didn’t answer his call or pick him up as I was angry he’d spoken to me so bad so I text him and offered to pay the taxi fair. Just like his father who would go mental if I didn’t answer the phone which then was accidental as I wouldn’t have dared not pick up.
I used to think my phone was broke if I didn’t hear it and feel so frustrated, I now now I was loosing my hearing but didn’t realise iv lost 40% of my hearing so would often not hear him but he’d go bananas.
One time I didn’t reply in time as I was in the shower, so when I called him back he acted all concerned telling me it was an emergency as I had to go to collect the boys straight away from the martial arts class as he said my eldest injured his knee again.
He had previously had a serious accident there whilst training and my ex said he had re injured himself and it was bad.
I flew in my car to the gym ten min away soaking wet crying panicking and flew in to the gym to find my sons happy as Larry running around the gym. They were confused when I said r u hurt you ok?
The gym instructor had to calm me down I was shacking.
I got outside called my ex to say ‘what are you on about? There fine!
And I was told that will fuckin teach me for not answering his calls, when I ring you will answer.
So I guess that’s the same trigger for his son.

Last night was ok btw, he came home from the gym and I was ironing my eldestest shirt for work.
The first thing he said to me though all calm and nice was “oh Mum btw I know we’re not really talking but my driving instructor said I can take my test at the end of the month, and what’s happening with the car have they recalled it yet?

I stood speechless 😶 at how he seemed to think I’d just forget the previous 48 hrs?
I just replied oh and walked out the room.
Then went to bed and haven’t seen him this morn he’s in work now.

I think that's an abuser tactic Pabda Pretend they've done nothing wrong and act 'normal'.

Stand firm.

Whose is the car, sorry, is it yours?

Yes he's vulnerable, op and. Yes, you're his mum, and a bloody good one.
However you're also only human and there is only so much that any human can take.
(((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))

Also obviously none of my business but why are you ironing their shirts ect. Not so much your son with learning difficulties but surely your older son Is more than capable of ironing his own shirt and making his own lunch for work.

Thats absolutely an abuser tactic, they can be nice when they want something that they think you wont give them if they are shouting.
Its all about control, they will adjust their methods in order to get the result they want.

pulling
Thanks. I’m very sorry about your son too. So many confused, disconnected boys. Very sad.

Panda
You are strong. You have been putting up with a lot of abuse for a vet long time now. And yet you’ve managed to bring up your children, both of whom are on their way to financial dependence. You have done a lot of things right.

You are not weak. You need to pause, reflect and be kind to yourself. Perhaps then you will find more strength to do what needs to be done. Your ds2 is still young and there’s still time to fix this.

I’m a big softie too. I cannot imagine how you feel right now. But I now recognise that I have to be my advocate and an advocate for what is right. I recognise I need boundaries. It took me a lot to cut off my brother. To finally admit that he will never change and he is a danger to my safety. I went through hell. But that pain and stress is slowly passing. I know I have made the right decision. I do understand it is far worse for you. Both because he is your child. And because he lives with you. You cannot escape him.

My dh’s cousin is violent and controlling. He has stolen all of his mother’s money, has strangled her and controls her. He went to prison because his father finally had enough and called the police when he hit him. This is his extremely controlling and violent father, who beat his mother up regularly. He does not have a job, takes drugs and drinks too much. He’s 40. Dh and I tried to help him. Dh even gave him a job. He is now too far gone. Please don’t let this happen to you and your child.

Panda I am not strong. My son has destroyed my life to the extent he has effectively lost me my daughter. My love for him has grown to resentment. Since he asked to leave and I said yes he has got very nasty. Including trying to blackmail 10k out of me. He truly is a nasty piece of work. All because I have stopped letting him control me. 16 years old and a manipulative sod. My fault because my 2nd husband was no better than my son's father and it is clearly learned behaviour.

I have tried camhs, gp, the whole shebang. Well maybe his dad can do a better job. Of course according to his Dad it is all my fault. Shit Mum, head case, blah blah.

Sorry for the rant. I needed it.

Anyway. End of derail. Panda two differences. I am not unwell, and I have a genuinely loving partner to cry on when it gets really tough.

Mummy & pulling omg it sounds like you’ve been through hell!
Plz don’t worry you are not derailing the thread at all, hearing your story’s and experience are helping me no end. I think just to know people understand by being in the same boat or having been in it.
The talking about it with you all is helping me reflect and make the right decisions.
I’m so sorry for your heart ache though all of you I really am.