AIBU “asking my son to leave? Plz help!

[Pandamanda3]

Please can anybody help me ? I’m desperate.
My backstory first, my ex h was arrested 3 yrs ago for DV, we are now divorced, iv been through the worst divorce and was left with huge debts, so its killed me to stay afloat since.

My younger ds has learning diff and autism, but over years has made huge improvements he is now 18.
We’ve always been close, for most of his life I have been his 24/7 carer, he still has relationship with his dad who very controlling over him, both my boys struggled after dh left but youngest the most, he just went into fits of rage, so cutting story short I killed myself to get him counselling therapy for a year or more 2/3 times a week funded by me as dad wasn’t interested, but it really helped. He seemed a lot better. But over the last 12 months his aggression has grown & grown towards both myself & my eldest son , mainly me.
I suffer serious health issues and really haven’t been well, he knows this, he’s very demanding of my attention and his dad seems to just get the good side of him with the troubled side left to me.
He started to sort of emulate my ex dh controlling intimidating behaviours and I know now I failed there as I gave in to him forgave him and it’s now just grown to a sense of entitlement over me.
I tried with ever ounce of my soul to love and support him the best I could thinking that getting out of my marriage & showing him a normal loving fearless home Would be better.
Things have escalated and he took off the other morning at me, after I got up at 6am to prep his lunch for work, he then just took off and left for work. He works with his father another long story.
But he’d got the day wrong despite my telling him I didn’t think dad re-opened until today.
So He had to make his way home, but was pissed I didn’t go to pick him up. I instead paid the taxi as I wasn’t great especially after his morning outburst on me.
That afternoon he’s getting ready to go out with my eldest when he erupts again I’m in the firing line, I don’t even recall why? But in a nut shell he threatened to kill me, really threatened called me all sorts of painful things I just can’t forget then my elder son gets involved to try to stop him going at me, after an hour of abuse he left with my son I just wanted him out, after which I just fell to the floor in a heap devastated, I felt numb I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.
On his return he stayed in his room silence until yesterday Evening.
I’d gone to bed just feeling so poorly and drained & he’d been out at the gym with eldest.
Suddenly at 10.30 I’m woken by my eldest screaming for me to get up. He said they had gotten into a fight which resulted in him attacking my eldest, he told him he only speaks to him to use him for what he’s good for?
Soon after in walks younger one and they start up again, then he turns to me in my face and started again at me he wants to kill me I’m a bitch he hates me etc etc he’s waving his hands in my face I’m pinned to the wall with him towering over me. Just like his father exactly like his father.
He turned to my eldest and said “that’s what you do! how you deal with her” that’s what she needs the fuckin bitch. To get told.
I told him iv had enough I’m selling house he’s going to live with his father as he hates me so much. Something I never thought I’d ever say.
He refused with “this is my fuckin house and I’ll stay were I want! You C...

I have no contact with his father, and he will do anything he can to ruin my life so I can’t go to him, I also know he can’t survive alone due to difficulties and I just feel trapped and honestly do not know what to do?
Can anybody advise? I feel completely broken I don’t have anybody else to turn to,his family was my family and they turned on me when I divorced him and got the police. My parents live miles away, they say he’s got to go before he hurts me.
I feel like such a bad person wanting him to leave but I know I’m going through the same nightmare again I had with ex.
18 years it took me to wake up & leave and now it’s as if my son has taken his place.
Please be gentle I’m honestly at breaking point and have no we’re to turn.
Sorry for long story.

You still need to ring the police.

Please ring the police.

This is appalling abuse and you do not have to endure it. Get the help you desperately need as others have suggested.

Well done calling Women’s Aid Panda that is a really big step. You can do this. You can.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, it’s really helping. I know I need to put my foot right down I do and I realise both me & my eldest deserve a peaceful life, he’s 22 a big boy and my youngest knows he doesn’t stand a chance with him as my eldest just holds him to stop fighting, but I don’t have that benefit especially in my condition so I know it will have to be addressed as I don’t feel safe around him. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think he’d intentionally want to hurt me but he can’t control himself and could, would if pushed do something he will regret.
Both my boys are also black belts in martial arts and so there no fairy’s if you get me.
I can’t believe I’m actually having to type this? It hurts so much.
As it’s drawing near home time I am on edge and it’s making me cross now tbh
Iv decided I’m going to go get a bath freshen my self up so I don’t look like the poor sick mum he’s expecting.
As iv done this before I know how it goes next
How bloody horrible it is to actually admit that!

Will update you all in a bit, so sorry to hear of others going or gone through similar 💐

Panda my heart goes out to you. You have to put yourself and your oldest son first for once. Please call the police of your younger son threatens or hurts either of you again. I hope you can get help from Women’s Aid. Is there any other family who can help?

Bless you panda. Sad that you can see the pattern. I suspect you will let him stay but do keep coming on here.
No one will judge you for protecting him but some of us know that his behaviour is not gonna magically change without intervention.
Keep yourself safe x

Have your phone to hand.
Perhaps write him a letter saying that this is his very last chance and setting out the conditions he must meet to stay there. Make sure your eldest DS is there when you hand it to him. This way you've appeased older DC by giving him one more chance, DS2 knows the score and the boundaries and you can call the police completely guilt free by knowing that you've absolutely tried your best.

TBH I think you'll end up calling the police. Dial 999.

Whine
This could work. What worries me is that her DS2 might behave for a few weeks. And when the behaviour restarts she'll be in the same position.

But with the additional problem of "but he's been so good"... And I'm worried that her DS2 might snap when the OP is home alone /DS1 isn't present. Because he sounds genuinely dangerous and her ex could manipulate him into doing something rash...

Call 101 before he gets home.
Ask for the DV team.
Tell them what you've told us.
Ask them to put you on a priority call list so if you dial 999 then they will respond quickly.
Please do this and have your phone on you at all times.

You can do this Panda. If he's a black belt think of the damage that he could do. You don't deserve to be abused, it doesn't matter if the abuser is your son, it's still abuse. Please don't put up with this.

Hope you're ok OP

I've been there so know how you feel. Put your safety as number one.

Your son needs help, he can't go through life like this as he will seriously hurt someone, and you don't want that to happen to you or anyone else.

For that reason alone you have to contact the police. You have to be tough here, in his interests as well as your own. He needs help from professionals so that he can attempt to change his behaviours, you have done your very best and can do no more for him.

He's still your son and you still love him. Go to the police and refuse to let them return him to your home, his father and social services will have to step in. You deserve better and he needs help.

But mostly, keep safe.

Can you contact adult social services? Maybe he can be supported in a place of his own. Possibly supervised accommodation where he would get some help to live independently. I would act now. You can have a good relationship with there being some distance between you. There is no magic wand but you may have to "throw him out" my sister has mental health and I know this is not the same as Autism. But the situation of providing care to an adult child is the same. One thing my family have learned is that the more help you give the less help is given from overstretched services. You have to at least be seen to withdraw extra support from your son including making him homeless. In the long run you will be helping both of you

Contact adult social services. I know there is a stigma attached to social services, but your dc's are grown now, there's nothing to worry about. If he has a formal diagnosis was he being seen by CAMHS?

I think you need specialist help with this. As much as you may love your DS you can't provide that. He is entitled to an EHCP, and that could include things like counselling and mentoring and possibly also an independent living scheme. It's worth looking into.

pandaManda3 are you ok?

I’m ok thanks shiney iv just been getting a few things sorted trying to take my mind of it all, he came in from work walked right past me in doorway like I didn’t exist. Went straight to his brother and said “you need to take me to work in morn the trains are off.
My eldest said no I can’t I’m working myself tomorrow, he then glanced over at me & just snarled. It’s like I don’t even recognise my own son, my lovely smiling boy has gone.

He’s gone to training with his brother and is due back shortly so not sure what to expect but I really did get a horrible feeling around him before it just didn’t feel right.

I’m so tired of it all anyway I took your advises and I called the DV officer before talk it through and iv had a note made of it on the system, my address was already listed due to ex but now it is again they were nice, understanding but ultimately it’s down to me if he starts again, when he starts rather do I make that dreaded call.

I could see before he was angry I’d not made his tea, he seems to think it’s my job as I work from home, he doesn’t acknowledge my business as work just like his father, he shouts it should be done says ‘what have I been doing all day sitting on my arce!

Same for shopping etc which I don’t eat as I am being medically fed specialist liquid food and the other morn I said “shall I make you breakfast?
He immediately snarled and said “there’s f all in.
So I said you should have let me know & id have got some more, but as you didn’t I didn’t realise.

I then got told ‘as a mother I’m supposed to do that shit without being reminded.

Maybe my fault I don’t know but it’s everything everyday there is something new.

So that’s my update for now see what happens later on, thank you for all sticking with me and for being so supportive whilst I wing on.

when he starts rather do I make that dreaded call

Yes, as difficult and painful for you as it will be, yes. For your sake, and both of your sons. I’m in awe of your strength and your determination Panda, you’re in a really heartbreaking position, through no fault of your own.

Oh gorelo, he has an EHCP yeh but it doesn’t help much tbh nobody told me I could have counselling included as support. When I got the councillor in cams was not taking no more referrals, he was in the last year of school too and I asked my gp for help, she said sadly there was no help for this for children and gave me a list of people she would recommend. So I arranged it and had to pay £70 most weeks it absolutely broke me to keep up but I knew it was needed.
My worry now is if I do have to get the police I know my ex will stop his payment to our mortgage, my tc are getting stopped as he’s working and so I need to sell ASAP it’s just all so stressful and he fully understands our predicament. I think this has given him a sense of empowerment as he knows that one word from him to his father is all it takes.
As I’m in bad health and suffering stress anxiety from it all my business isn’t doing so great either so it seems dark days are ahead.
I just hope I can sell quickly and pay my debts and start again, leave him too it, I’m going to write a letter to him tonight and outline how I feel and he will be told that when the house is sold he will need to move to his dad.
What a mess, you just don’t think your children would ever turn on you.

Thank you not really I don’t feel so strong at the moment ha!

@Pandamanda3 you are, believe me you are. You’re bloody brilliant! I wish you all the best with selling your house and getting yourself back on an even keel. Because it will happen

You might get some good advice on sen boards. Have you tried getting him a social worker? And discuss assisted living - assuming his asd is at a level he won't function alone.

Much of his words sound like his dad tbh. He's not had a model of good behaviour so emulates his dad. You def need someone with asd experience working with vulnerable adults.

Will he be able to process a letter like an NT adult?

Hi Op, so sorry for what you are dealing with.

I just wanted to say please be strong, you are ill & struggling with alot but do not let it run you into the ground. You can seek help with your debts, speak to Citzens Advice if needed & they can help you set up a manageable payment plan, speak to your lenders etc on your behalf they may also be able to point you in the direction of other agencies for support. The finances can be sorted although a big worry please just try to take things one day at a time & ask for all the help you can get. I wish you all the best.

I hope your ok @Pandamanda3 !

PandaManda3, I'm genuinely concerned for you.

Nothing else matters but your safety. I fully understand the dilemma you face - you love your son and are reluctant to address this but if you want to help him and have a chance of getting the nice side of your son back then I'm sorry but you are going to have to tackle this head on.

You sound wore down, again I recognise that because I've been there, and probably cannot think straight. The situation can get better but I think you need the help of professionals: police and social services.

I hope you get a peaceful night