AIBU “asking my son to leave? Plz help!

[Pandamanda3]

Please can anybody help me ? I’m desperate.
My backstory first, my ex h was arrested 3 yrs ago for DV, we are now divorced, iv been through the worst divorce and was left with huge debts, so its killed me to stay afloat since.

My younger ds has learning diff and autism, but over years has made huge improvements he is now 18.
We’ve always been close, for most of his life I have been his 24/7 carer, he still has relationship with his dad who very controlling over him, both my boys struggled after dh left but youngest the most, he just went into fits of rage, so cutting story short I killed myself to get him counselling therapy for a year or more 2/3 times a week funded by me as dad wasn’t interested, but it really helped. He seemed a lot better. But over the last 12 months his aggression has grown & grown towards both myself & my eldest son , mainly me.
I suffer serious health issues and really haven’t been well, he knows this, he’s very demanding of my attention and his dad seems to just get the good side of him with the troubled side left to me.
He started to sort of emulate my ex dh controlling intimidating behaviours and I know now I failed there as I gave in to him forgave him and it’s now just grown to a sense of entitlement over me.
I tried with ever ounce of my soul to love and support him the best I could thinking that getting out of my marriage & showing him a normal loving fearless home Would be better.
Things have escalated and he took off the other morning at me, after I got up at 6am to prep his lunch for work, he then just took off and left for work. He works with his father another long story.
But he’d got the day wrong despite my telling him I didn’t think dad re-opened until today.
So He had to make his way home, but was pissed I didn’t go to pick him up. I instead paid the taxi as I wasn’t great especially after his morning outburst on me.
That afternoon he’s getting ready to go out with my eldest when he erupts again I’m in the firing line, I don’t even recall why? But in a nut shell he threatened to kill me, really threatened called me all sorts of painful things I just can’t forget then my elder son gets involved to try to stop him going at me, after an hour of abuse he left with my son I just wanted him out, after which I just fell to the floor in a heap devastated, I felt numb I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.
On his return he stayed in his room silence until yesterday Evening.
I’d gone to bed just feeling so poorly and drained & he’d been out at the gym with eldest.
Suddenly at 10.30 I’m woken by my eldest screaming for me to get up. He said they had gotten into a fight which resulted in him attacking my eldest, he told him he only speaks to him to use him for what he’s good for?
Soon after in walks younger one and they start up again, then he turns to me in my face and started again at me he wants to kill me I’m a bitch he hates me etc etc he’s waving his hands in my face I’m pinned to the wall with him towering over me. Just like his father exactly like his father.
He turned to my eldest and said “that’s what you do! how you deal with her” that’s what she needs the fuckin bitch. To get told.
I told him iv had enough I’m selling house he’s going to live with his father as he hates me so much. Something I never thought I’d ever say.
He refused with “this is my fuckin house and I’ll stay were I want! You C...

I have no contact with his father, and he will do anything he can to ruin my life so I can’t go to him, I also know he can’t survive alone due to difficulties and I just feel trapped and honestly do not know what to do?
Can anybody advise? I feel completely broken I don’t have anybody else to turn to,his family was my family and they turned on me when I divorced him and got the police. My parents live miles away, they say he’s got to go before he hurts me.
I feel like such a bad person wanting him to leave but I know I’m going through the same nightmare again I had with ex.
18 years it took me to wake up & leave and now it’s as if my son has taken his place.
Please be gentle I’m honestly at breaking point and have no we’re to turn.
Sorry for long story.

Oh gosh pulling I’m still sitting here with my mind racing wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Will he hate me for good if I try to bring in help? Will it force him to his father once & for all?
I just don’t know, I am so confused, like what happened why did he turn so much?
I’m guilt tripping myself I know it and I shouldn’t but he’s my child my flesh and blood so as much as I cannot even look at him at the min I just keep getting this pull to love and protect him.
Probably worse because his disability’s play heavy on my heart.
We were so close at one time and i am saying to myself there must be a reason,

But then I’m also conscious that I can’t be blinded by love and put myself or ds at risk.
It’s also made me re-think my whole life with ex dh, and I cannot explain how much hate I have for him right now.
But iv got to seriously think because I’m never going to get him out my life, as his connection with ds is so manipulative.
I am glad your looking to the future pulling I am how lovely to be thinking of marriage, I wish you all the happiness in the world x

You really do need to push forward and get him out of your house OP,believe me I know it's hard I have 5DC and 3 of my DC are autistic and I know you worry that you'll be letting him down but you won't!

Whilst he's at home with you he's not getting any outside help and he's not having to face up to his abusive behaviour,your not giving him any consequences for his behaviour and he needs that right now more than anything,all children need guidance it helps make them feel safe and children with extra needs crave that structure even more.

You can still speak for him and reach out for help for him when he's not living under your roof and having the space between you could even help repair your relationship over time.

Panda thinking of you chick x

Hi pulling thank you, iv not had much happening in the last few days really it’s been fairly quiet at home however something happened last night that’s left me banging my head against the wall totally bewildered.
I’m sitting here saying to myself how do I even explain this?

So here goes maybe somebody can see what I’m not seeing and read between the lines here as they are completely blurred for me, and hopefully advise what I should do!

As I say things have calmed down but then by the time my ds comes in I’m either asleep or going up so for a few days at least we’ve been passing ships.
Iv been talking to the lady who does his echp plan,
She was very understanding and gave me further links of who to go to for support.
But she advised that if he remains out of education for any longer then his ehcp will elapse.
And when he does go back as he knows he needs the c’s He won’t get the extra support he needs.
Meaning he wouldn’t cope at all.

So I text him and put it down simply saying he needs to consider his options, and that once it stops he can no longer expect me to get it back.
That my part would effectively be done, he knows I fought for years to get his support so he appreciates how hard it is if it stops.
Anyway they said they could help him arrange to do both work and Coll and come to an arrangement that’s better for him, but it’s his call.

Sorry trying to keep this short 🙄

He said to me last night thanks for your text with a look of concern, then says no no thank you Mum I really mean it.
I just played cool said no problem and continued getting my drink for bed.

I could see he wanted to start talking to me but I thought nop I can’t just break, he hasn’t apologised for his behaviour nor even tried to discuss it. So I felt iv come this far and he has to see I’m not going to wipe it away just because he’s got a problem as if usually do.

It pained me to ignore him and I felt so bloody guilty going up the stairs to bed but I did.
Then in the middle of the night I sort of stirred you know when your like asleep but semi conscious?
I felt somebody’s presence in the room, (I know this sounds mad) I thought it’s poss the dog as he usually wakes me up in the night.
But I then felt an arm slide right under my pillow that I’m laying on.
I don’t know why but I froze, I being honest I was frightened so I sort of tossed and turned as if I was going to be woken and turned over to face the wall. I suddenly felt the arm sharply pull away and then I heard my ds door shut.

I just felt this horrible feeling in my tummy I can’t explain, but I turned to look and finds my bedroom door wide open, the dog was with my elder ds all night not that the dog could reach under my pillow.

Plz don’t think I’m mad I know what it was.
My elder ds looked shocked this morning and said “sure you weren’t dreaming Mum”.
I said to him I’m 100% sure, I had to get up to close my door.
So can anybody tell me honestly what they think this was for?? Why??
Thanks for listening to my on going Delmas.

I really don't know. Looking for something? Wanted affection? Something more sinister? I'd be baffled too!

I think it’s time he moved out. For good. This situation can’t continue for your own mh and safety. Do you keep your phone or purse or keys under your pillow?

Do you keep your phone or purse or keys under your pillow?

This was my thought too. I'd love to think that he had been shocked back to sense and just wanted a hug but.....

Actually that gave me the chills.

Do you have a lock on your door?

i think he had plans to smother you with that pillow.
You need a lock on your door today and him out tomorrow.
Sorry to be so blunt but i think your life is in danger.

Jeez, that gave me the chills too after reading the whole thread, can you call someone to put a lock on your bedroom door?
I’m really worried about your safety

Sorry but I agree with mrsharrison
This is NOT good at all.
You felt in danger and I think you were in danger.
Get out and get a bolt for your door today.

i think he had plans to smother you with that pillow

Normally I would think on a thread that is a complete over reaction but sadly I have to agree here.

Hi thanks for replying everyone you’ve all said what’s being going through my mind, a total mix of the good to the bad.
Mrs Harrison I did go cold reading your message, because iv really had to pinch myself that this is happening to me! It’s my problem, I mean you sort of think oh this is the type of thing happening to somebody else ‘not me’ wudnt happen to me!
But it is? I did think well maybe he’s had time to reflect as it’s been over a week maybe he in his way wanted to just give me a cuddle or be close to me, then I looked like mad thinking has he maybe left me a letter? But no nothing.
I don’t keep my things under my pillow no.
My eldest is just as freaked out he’s just been on lunch and gave me a wedge to push under my door.
My ds wudnt think much of it as I’m always complaining the dog gets in and wakes me up, (he’s got anxiety issue too 🙄)
My eldest said “is there anything in my room maybe of importance to my ex maybe he’s been told to get summit, but there’s nothing iv nothing left anymore of value I sold it all.

So now I’m back to square one, my eldest isn’t happy and says I should sit him down tonight and ask him, which I’ll have to as I wont sleep.

I just can’t bear to think maybe just maybe he had those thoughts it’s just inconceivable.
He wouldn’t try something surely ‘surely not!

My head is so scrambled, I think my ex has said summit to him, I don’t know what but he’s wound him or said summit iv just got a nagging feeling.

He just cannot seem to cut ties and bloody move on like he’s hell bent on saying or doing summit to keep the mysery going.
I feel like just driving to his office and giving him hell but I know I’d come off worse.
Do you think I should approach it with my ds? I’m not sure how I’d even word it?

Panda if he had come in for a hug he would have said "mum are you awake"?
He may have had a mad thought of doing you harm because of your earlier rejection.
You coming awake possibly brought him back to reality thank god.
But future conflict could cause repeat behaviour.
You do need to confront him on this with your other son present.
And then he needs to leave.
Children have killed their parents for less.

Tell him you know what he did, you feel threatened and you will not live like that.
Do not listen to his denials or your other son defending him.
No one else is going to keep you safe. Only you can do it.

Is your ex evil enough to use your son as a means of killing you by proxy, in the belief your son would get a short sentence?
Would you describe your ex as a psychopath?

At his age and with the conflict between you even if best case scenario he was coming in for a hug then that in itself was inappropriate. There’s is only one you in the world and keeping you safe and sound ha to be your priority.

Yes you will feel guilty if you ask him to leave. Yes it will break your heart. But you will be safe and happy. The guilt will fade and your heart will heal.

He needs to go. Immediately. He should come home to an overnight bag packed and on the doorstep. Locks need changing. His elder brother and friends can pack and take his stuff to wherever he chooses to go. Don’t send him to his dads. He’s made all the choices so far let him make this one on his own.

Bloody hell Panda that made my blood run cold.

I agree, you need to get him out of the house today.

My ex is a horrid self centred narsasist, he’s an expert at manipulation and I would 100% say he’s behind whatever is going on. He the type to not want to do something himself but he’d happily have others act for him, tbh he’s a coward really iv come to learn and see a lot through our divorce and it wasn’t pretty my rose tinted glasses had long gone.
He had done things I would never have thought possible but I had a rude awakening many a time., which leaves me thinking yeh it’s his doing.
And I can’t do anything to stop him, the police promised me a world of safety ‘we will make a statement and he’ll be charged don’t you worry by 6 ocklock the next morn he was out in-charged.

He remained silent the whole way through the divorce I have had no contact with him what so ever but he has repeatedly used the boys to cause my life to be a mysery.
He won’t forget it he’s said that to my son, that I’ll get what’s coming to me, he said “ iv stayed silent through the divorce because my solicitor advised me to”. But the divorce is over now and she needs to realise that I’ll do what the f I plz.
That was his message.

So yeh not very comforting to know, I now know the people he knows who I thought were nice are not so nice, one of his so called friends kidnapped somebody who upset his Mrs and went to jail. He’s out now and that’s just one of them.

Iv had to learn to live with the fact he’s just always gonna be there in the background.
Sorry slightly off topic there.

It's not off topic when you consider his influence on his son.
But how far would he go?
You posted earlier in the thread that your ex wanted you dead, or words to that effect.
Is your son making your life hell enough to satisfy your ex's need for revenge?
How much does ex genuinely love his son?
Is he capable of sacrificing his son's life to get revenge on you?

Mrs Harrison I really couldn’t answer that question.
I have thought many as time when he’s done the most hurtful things that surely he should be satisfied iv suffered. That we’ve suffered, I couldn’t begin to put it in a nutshell how utterly disgraceful he’s been.
But as for when he will think enough enough I’ll move on I don’t know.
Iv sent him messages in the past to say what affect his actions are having on the boys but he never flinched never helped wasn’t bothered.
He literally cut contact with my eldest as he claimed he knew he was due to be arrested and didn’t warn him which is absurd as I wouldn’t have told either of them and he knows it. But he just cut him off, threatened him on the phone all sorts, then had his autistic son tell his brother ‘hey dad doesn’t want to see you no more’.

So to me if he can do that, and for example stopping him attending his dear grandfathers funeral then I’d say no he can’t love, truely love anybody not even his kids.
I’m going to need to push my ds for answers and I feel sick at the thought.

You don’t need to push for answers. Your not comfortable in your own home. He is the reason. Therefore he needs to leave

Show him the door. The end.

Read this last night - heartbreaking stories on here - I have documented my own battles with 16 yr old kids particularly Ds after extremely acrimonious divorce with E & FA X - after a fairly settled period Ds is back to swearing, abusive behaviour last night - Directed at me & Dd and this morning over hair - didn't want to go to school and kicked furniture on way out.

It is no surprise to me that this coincides with the X wanting to change contact arrangements - I need to decide on my next action - this is possibly the 5th thread I've read along these lines over recent weeks.

Mums I know where you are coming from x

Panda I beg you. For your own safety, and that of your eldest son please please please please call Womens Aid. Throw your youngest out for your safety. Please.