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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at husband for taking naked pics whilst asleep

203 replies

scoobysu · 03/01/2018 19:45

Married for 10 years with two young daughters (under 4). DH is a fantastic Dad, caring husband and we are very happy. That was until Monday when I found naked pictures of myself that he had taken when I was asleep or not looking (without consent) and emailed them to himself from his phone. I am so upset and spent last night crying myself to sleep. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I will ever be able to trust him again but I also don’t want to break up my family as until now we have been very happy. What should I do? I confronted him and he has been very upset and apologied repeatedly and is begging for another chance. He said it was a huge mistake but I have found a photo dating back to 2015 so I think this has been going on for a while. I feel totally sick and betrayed but I don’t know if I am overreacting by being so upset. AIBU? What would you do?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Finnbuktu · 03/01/2018 23:19

Can’t believe some of the responses here.

It’s not ‘just’ about the photos themselves. It’s the underlying, self-serving actions of taking the photos that’s the issue for me. He (presumably, as his wife was unaware of their existence) didn’t take them for any other reason than his own gratification. At her expense.

Again presumably, given the OP’s reaction and the husband’s non-disclosure at having taken such pictures, he must have known that she would have been upset at being used in this way, and she would not have given permission had he deigned to consider her feelings in the matter. Surely that is the biggest issue? That he completely disregarded her feelings/privacy and put his own satisfaction first?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2018 23:27

I hate all this downplaying and minimising going on here. The key issue is consent, he did not ask the op is he could take naked pictures of her, and that is the key. It does not matter if she is his partner, he finds her attractive, its a gross violation of privacy. It shows a lack of respect and decency on his part. That is very difficult to get over. I would want to know exactly how many pictures he has taken? If he has shared those pictures to outside sources. He does not own her or her body, so has no right to take pictures without consent.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/01/2018 23:29

OP, I understand you are very upset, your brain is trying to make light of it, because you are in shock. You really must confide in someone, for your own sanity. There must be someone who you can tell, do it for you Lovely, you'll feel better for it, a problem shared, is a problem halved.
I have a friend, who caught her ex Husband, under the sheets in the night, taking photos of her, she was distraught too.
We all thought he was a nice man, but soon changed our minds.🌺

Oswin · 03/01/2018 23:41

Jesus wtf has happened to mumsnet. It's disgusting. He gets off on taking photos when she's at her most vulnerable. He's a dirty scumbag.

PositivelyPERF · 04/01/2018 01:23

FFS, with all the minimising going on here I can understand why it took so long for rape within marriage to become illegal.

Between the creeps and submissives on here tonight I think I've went back to the 70s.

user764329056 · 04/01/2018 01:28

So many crap men being posted about lately, just awful, hope you find the strength to leave, I couldn’t live with him once I’d discovered this

Graphista · 04/01/2018 01:39

Mustard - what minimising, gaslighting victim blaming utter claptrap you posted! What he did is a SEX CRIME that is what makes him a sexual predator not the opinion of people who've internalised misogyny and patriarchy so much they can no longer see which way is up!

"This however seems completely different. " er it's REALLY not

Ignorance is not a defence and frankly as someone who works in IT he should be well aware of the laws surrounding this especially with all the recent publicity.

Kitten - this is sexually abusive behaviour, counselling with an abuser is not recommended and any decent counsellor would point out this is abusive and criminal (separate to abuse laws)

tillytown · 04/01/2018 01:42

It's weird how some posters think this isn't a big deal, and that everyone is overreacting, yet on other threads are telling people to LTB over washing up, Mumsnet is a truly bizarre place.

ShoesHaveSouls · 04/01/2018 01:56

It's a complete violation, a sexual assault, to take naked photos of someone without their consent.

I'm afraid, also, that the only time I've ever emailed pictures to myself, is to share them.

Xanadu44 · 04/01/2018 07:25

Definitely do an online image search. This is very wrong and I would want to know if he has been sharing these online. You must feel so violated. I'm sorry OP.

GinDaddy · 04/01/2018 07:33

Male poster here FWIW

I do think this is a violation, and one of the OP's right to consent to her picture being taken. Funnily enough I have a thing about mates taking sneaky photos of me out

GinDaddy · 04/01/2018 07:35

^^ posted too quickly there!

I have a thing about people taking sneaky photos of me out in public and posting online, sounds silly but it's nice when someone tells you they're going to take a photo or at least takes it "with" you.

So I can completely understand why this is just an outright violation, she cannot consent when sleeping.

I'm not also saying LTB but I suggest somehow OP sits down and works out a clear and defined way forward - counselling, handing over devices so she can search and see what's there herself, somethjng that rebuilds trust. Otherwise it's a line crossed for me.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2018 07:44

It is, he is doing this by only taking pictures when she's asleep,and not in a position to give consent. What if op had not found the images, he would have carried on regardless. My trust would have gone, I woukd be very wAry around him. If he can do something like this, it woukd lead me to think what else is he doing, has he got cameras in the house and spying on her in the shower. Just because they are in a relationship, and he's seen her naked, does not give him ownership of her body. This would be a crime if he did that in pubic. Some people are so thick!

streetlife70s · 04/01/2018 09:51

Anyone that thinks this is, ‘silly man fancies wife and makes silly man mistake because he wuvs his wifey sooo much poor poppett and doesn’t understand conset’ etc must have missed the years he hid it away and e mailed pictures without discussing it. That’s not the behaviour of a man who just fancies his wife and messed up his judgement. The behaviour is extremely calculated and deliberately deceitful.

I won’t tell you what you should do OP that really is your choice BUT please don’t minimise it. You can only deal with it if you see the behaviour for what it is.

For what it’s worth I don’t think Jane was victim blaming advising OP to sleep in her P.J’s. No she shouldn’t have to. She should be able to sleep starkers in her own home. But she is currently living with someone who has no respect for what she wants so protecting herself against more violating behaviour is sensible. She should not have to and doesn’t HAVE to and it doesn’t make it her fault but her husband doesn’t care about any of that now does he?

differentnameforthis · 04/01/2018 10:27

The issue is CONSENT - and a mans oft held belief that he doesn't need consent because it's his wife. @kittensinmydinner1

That "oft held belief" was demolished in 1991/2!! Also, if he thought his wife would be OK with this, why not ask her & take them while she was awake? Let's see...could it be because she would say NO!!!!!

BottleBeach · 04/01/2018 10:36

I could not forgive this, OP.
I would be repulsed by the fact that he is sexually aroused at the sight of an unconscious woman.
And I would not feel safe to fall asleep with him in the house.

Meowstro · 04/01/2018 10:50

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP Flowers

It is a crime, there was no consent and what if this is just the tip of the iceberg? Reading the two articles made me think this or that he is perhaps sharing these photos with other people?
I agree with BottleBeach, it is a huge concern. I would be inclined to go to the police.

brieislife · 04/01/2018 13:46

I personally wouldn't be upset if my husband had done this, as long as the photos were for his eyes only.

However you ARE upset which is what matters. I do think you need to sit down and have a frank discussion with your husband, and make it absolutely clear that he has crossed your boundaries and this is never to happen again.

However some on this thread are getting a little hysterical - there's nothing to suggest the man's a paedophile ffs.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 04/01/2018 15:48

So sorry to read this OP, It's understandably devastating. I had a partner film us have sex without my consent, he told me afterwards and found it hilarious, I was hysterically upset and left. It's hard to move past something like this and if you do choose to stay with him, I would seek the most clarity as you can as to why he does these things in the presence of a professional. But please do not doubt that what he has done is assault. Big hug from me xx

Original poster
scoobysu · 04/01/2018 17:22

Thanks everyone. I’ve been in a bit of a daze today and took the day off work to think things over. DH went to register with a counselor today and will start weekly sessions from next week so he has recognised what he did was wrong and that there is an issue. I still haven’t spoken to anyone about it, I honestly don’t know what to say as the whole thing is so embarrasing and I’m not sure what the reaction would be. My main concern how is whether I can ever trust him again but I also am devastated at the thought of my children having to go through us separate after what has been a great marriage and a loving home. That said I don’t want to live a lie if the love and trust really has gone. I still can’t stop thinking about what else he may be hiding which is driving my crazy with overthinking. I think I need to make an appointment tomorrow to talk to someone too so I can think it all over. I work in a stressful FT job and with that and my young girls I feel like I am heading for a crash 🙁

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 04/01/2018 17:38

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time of it OP, and I think talking to a professional is a really sensible idea.

WitchSharkadder · 04/01/2018 17:48

Hi, OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this, what a dreadful thing to find

WitchSharkadder · 04/01/2018 17:52

Sorry, posted too soon.

Just to add to all the other sensible posters. Yes this is a huge breach of trust, probably one of the worst ones I can think of. I would be disgusted if I’d found my DH had done it and I would leave him.

Please don’t listen to the posters minimising this, they must have some seriously strange boundaries if they think it’s remotely okay. Nobody gets to violate your privacy in that way.

ArchchancellorsHat · 04/01/2018 17:53

I might be missing the point but wtf is a counsellor supposed to achieve here - telling him how not to break the law/violate his wife? Those are things he should already know. I really am curious to know.

Shoxfordian · 04/01/2018 18:01

He's disgusting

Please consider leaving him