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AIBU?

AIBU to be upset at husband for taking naked pics whilst asleep

203 replies

scoobysu · 03/01/2018 19:45

Married for 10 years with two young daughters (under 4). DH is a fantastic Dad, caring husband and we are very happy. That was until Monday when I found naked pictures of myself that he had taken when I was asleep or not looking (without consent) and emailed them to himself from his phone. I am so upset and spent last night crying myself to sleep. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I will ever be able to trust him again but I also don’t want to break up my family as until now we have been very happy. What should I do? I confronted him and he has been very upset and apologied repeatedly and is begging for another chance. He said it was a huge mistake but I have found a photo dating back to 2015 so I think this has been going on for a while. I feel totally sick and betrayed but I don’t know if I am overreacting by being so upset. AIBU? What would you do?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

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Funnyface1 · 03/01/2018 20:11

This is an awful thing for him to do to you. Did he offer any kind of explanation?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/01/2018 20:12

I couldn’t forgive this. Total betrayal of trust, and clearly not a one off. I am sorry, OP.

Wineasaurous · 03/01/2018 20:14

I imagine you will want to understand why he has done this? I would sit him down, keep calm and demand answers. Don't let him 'politician' you an answer- you want his answer to begin with "I did this because...."
To start with I would also insist he slept elsewhere- spare room, sofa, friends house etc, but he does not get to do that to you in your own bed and still be welcome in there.

Also you do not have anything to feel ashamed of, ridiculous suggestion of PP to start sleeping in PJs. You should be able to sleep in your own bed however you feel comfortable!

If you don't think you can get past this, then you can't continue the relationship. I'm so sorry OP.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 03/01/2018 20:15

He won't stop. He says he's sorry now but he'll just get sneakier if you forgive him. No matter what he says now he'll see it as a green light. Men who act on these weird perversions will only ever escalate.

GingerbreadMa · 03/01/2018 20:17

He's just sorry he got caught. He'll just be more careful/sneakey in future.

spiderlight · 03/01/2018 20:19

That's horrible! Goodness only knows where those photos could end up. I wouldn't be able to trust him after that - he's preyed on your vulnerability and that's a huge thing to get past.

WinnieFosterTether · 03/01/2018 20:19

First of all, I'd ask for copies of all the pics and all the originals and delete them.
What you do after that depends on you. I'm assuming you wouldn't have agreed if he had asked to take the pics? In which case, I don't think you can overcome the betrayal of trust.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/01/2018 20:23

Creep.
I wouldn't be able to rest easy with him around, maybe one day, taking pics of you, won't be enough.
He is crying and apologising, because he has been found out.
You are not over reacting, in my opinion, you are under reacting.
Do not keep his dirty secret, confide in someone close.
Men like him turn my stomach.
Don't brush this under the carpet, and don't allow him to minimise his actions.
I really feel for you and your little girls.💐

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/01/2018 20:24

DH is a fantastic Dad, caring husband and we are very happy.

At least one third of that sentence isn't true, OP. I'm really sorry. Total deal breaker for me.

Alpacaandgo · 03/01/2018 20:26

This is really really not ok. Children of not, I could not stay with someone who breached my trust like that. God knows what else he's done without your consent. It's a really odd thing to do to your wife.

Sarahplane · 03/01/2018 20:27

I'm sorry you're going through this. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg as to what he's hiding or what he'll do next and that he's probably sharing the photos. I found my ex husband had shared photos of me without my knowledge, and then later discovered he had a thing for taking photos of other unsuspecting women. This is not the action of someone who respects you and you deserve better.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 03/01/2018 20:28

Make sure that he deletes everything.

You may want to sit him down and talk to him. You could decide that you'll try to work it our or that do indeed want to break up. But at least you won't be worried about him still having the pics / revenge porn...

It's how he did it that makes this so creepy imo.

If I saw a photo of me sleeping on our family camera and realised that... DH took it before waking me up on my birthday and that it's simply one of many photos of that day / not something he did sneakily? I'd be fine with it.

But this is really different.

If this was ok in his opinion... then why did he try to keep it a secret?

SantaClauseMightWork · 03/01/2018 20:29

I wil o against the grain here and ask you what is bothering you this much about it? What was his explanation on this?
I also wonder what the male posters on Mumsnet think of this.

Rhodiolia · 03/01/2018 20:30

I would be livid, he has absolutely broken your trust. No wonder you are so upset. It really isn't on!

Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 20:30

but I also don’t want to break up my family as until now we have been very happy.

No, the sentence above is not true, up until now you have just been ignorant of your husbands sexual predatory behaviour.

He probably has them stored on a file/hard drive/cloud somewhere. He is likely sharing them with others online on voyeur type sites.

but I don’t know if I am overreacting by being so upset

The fact that you even have to ask this is very sad OP, what your husband is doing is not normal.

Im sorry this has happened to you OP

John4703 · 03/01/2018 20:30

I think my wife is beautiful but would never take a photo of her naked without her permission (which she would never give).
It is wrong to take nude photos without the person being aware of them being taken and agreeing.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 20:30

If he is emailing them to himself, then it's not a stretch to say he is sharing them with others or online.

Even if they were just for him, it's an invasion of your privacy.

He is worse than a peeping tom.

I couldn't forgive it.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 03/01/2018 20:31

As someone who’s had this happen to them and also been raped in my sleep by my now ex my heart goes out to you. It’s a horrible feeling when you realise you have been violated in this way.

Even if you can forgive (I tried but couldn’t after years and years of degrading treatment) you can’t ever forget it and it eats away at you.

ToadsforJustice · 03/01/2018 20:31

Oh dear.

LexieLulu · 03/01/2018 20:32

Have you been on his laptop emails? Is it just you lying there? Make sure there's no pictures of him doing anything to you in your sleep

Rhodiolia · 03/01/2018 20:33

If a stranger did this, of course we would all see it as a crime! Being married does not make it less criminal or wrong.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 03/01/2018 20:33

Also what straycatblue said. You’ve only been happy before this came out because you were none the wiser about the fact your husband is a sexual predator.

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GingerbreadMa · 03/01/2018 20:33

No hang on dont delete too quickly. Hard as it is you need the images, you can I believe image search to find where else on the intetnet your images are (public sites only) and you may need the evidence. Get all emails/images forwarded to you

TDHManchester · 03/01/2018 20:34

OMG this is so wrong and disrespectful. There is something wrong in his head.

Rhodiolia · 03/01/2018 20:35

Those posters who wouldn't have a problem with this have really fucked up boundaries

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