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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at husband for taking naked pics whilst asleep

203 replies

scoobysu · 03/01/2018 19:45

Married for 10 years with two young daughters (under 4). DH is a fantastic Dad, caring husband and we are very happy. That was until Monday when I found naked pictures of myself that he had taken when I was asleep or not looking (without consent) and emailed them to himself from his phone. I am so upset and spent last night crying myself to sleep. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I will ever be able to trust him again but I also don’t want to break up my family as until now we have been very happy. What should I do? I confronted him and he has been very upset and apologied repeatedly and is begging for another chance. He said it was a huge mistake but I have found a photo dating back to 2015 so I think this has been going on for a while. I feel totally sick and betrayed but I don’t know if I am overreacting by being so upset. AIBU? What would you do?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 22:38

Yes, AF. A regular sweep of the bedroom and bathroom for hidden cams.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2018 22:40

Bugger. Forgot that one. Oh, and a panic alarm.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/01/2018 22:41

I wish I had your problems OP!

Jesus. It's one of those nights isn't it?

AssassinatedBeauty · 03/01/2018 22:43

@Mustardnowletsnotbesilly what the OPs husband has done is black and white. What she chooses to do next is not, and entirely up to her.

AbsMcGraw · 03/01/2018 22:44

No sarcasm. We show each other them occasionally. It probably doesn't sound weird to me as I do it to him too. I take photos of him all the time without him knowing. It's for no other reason than I think he's gorgeous.

kittensinmydinner1 · 03/01/2018 22:47

Mumsnet is sometimes a peculiar parallel universe , where spouses bad behaviour is greeted with a universal cry of leave. Do people really do this ? In real life people have long long intricate relationships built on more than one stupid behaviour.

In this case there are children. There are grandparents /uncles/aunts /friends and wider family. There is probably not money for two separate homes if these are 'normal ' people who just about manage to put one roof over their heads. Why is the advice always so extreme ??

Why can't it be suggested that this is talked about, probably with a third party as a go between. Someone who can help OP articulate (not that she needs help) the upset she so obviously feels and to give a third party reiteration of how unacceptable this is. This would probably mean a specialist in family therapy. Sometimes it is better to have a third party as the 'you are making too much of it' can't be levelled against them as they have no emotional investment. There are plenty of alternatives to destroying the happiness of an entire family , whilst still making it plain that this is unacceptable behaviour.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 03/01/2018 22:48

Maybe a moat

TheDoorMat · 03/01/2018 22:50

Ok
I've already replied once
Yes I'm male
I've read and retread the OP post

So, he's taken naked pictures of his wife either asleep or when she wasn't aware. Then emailed them to himself - which I guess is so that he can store on memory card??
Now, if the pictures are not graphic, Pervy etc etc just show his wife's nakedness asleep which clearly he's seen before.
Would the OP be more mad if she found pics of another woman, porn sites etc etc
After 10yrs surely a woman would suspect if her man was a perv without needing to see naked pictures of herself on his phone. Does he watch other women when out and about ??
There are so many unanswered question here and so many posters quick to end a marriage and destroy a family unity for what maybe nothing like as sinister as everyone is quick to judge.

Sorry if I'm coming over as a twat, but I honestly think a lot of questions need to be answered before you all cast judgement.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 03/01/2018 22:51

It’s horrible OP. Finding it on the computer in an email that he emailed himself is the worst ever. As a PP said, he must have been sending it somewhere or had plans for it. Why would he do that? It makes a horrible betrayal quite a lot more sinister in my opinion.
And another from 2015.

What are you going to do?

Mrsmadevans · 03/01/2018 22:53

I would be devastated too OP. Such a terrible betrayal you must be so upset . I am so sorry. I think you may need to seek some counselling for this and I am not exaggerating. Do you think he has been sharing these pictures with other people? I do hope not , I said to my DH about this for his opinion he is the most decent man I know he said men like your DH will never change because he has been doing it for years.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 03/01/2018 22:53

Would the OP be more mad if she found pics of another woman, porn sites

Are you joking? Why the hell does this need to be answered???

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/01/2018 22:54

So, he's taken naked pictures of his wife either asleep or when she wasn't aware

Without her consent. Over a period of years.

What's not to love, eh?

so many posters quick to end a marriage and destroy a family unity

You might find that the OP's 'D'H is more at risk of doing that.

There are so many unanswered question here

Like what, for example?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 03/01/2018 22:55

Does he watch other women when out and about ??

Why does this matter!??

Can’t you grasp that this is not normal and very upsetting?

GingerbreadMa · 03/01/2018 22:55

Now, if the pictures are not graphic, Pervy etc etc just show his wife's nakedness asleep which clearly he's seen before.
So its all about him huh?
Whether HE meant it in a pervy way
Whether HE does other pervy things etc
Whether or not HE thinks the wifes consent wasnt an issue

No. Its about a woman who had something done to her which she DID NOT CONSENT TO

RestingGrinchFace · 03/01/2018 22:56

Your reaction (very much within the remits of reasonable, I'm not telling you how to feel) is quite a strong one. While I am not saying that you wouldn't be justified in your reaction on the basis of this event alone it does raise questions about context. Is there a wider context? Does he have form for dishonesty? Has he failed to respect boundaries in the past? Does he make you feel objectified or make you feel as if he thinks of you as his possession more than a person? What are his views on women and wives in general (pretty important considering that you have daughters)?

kittensinmydinner1 · 03/01/2018 22:56

A man who takes nude photos of his wife without consent could also take them of his children.
A sexual predator is a sexual predator.

What utter bollocks. A husband takes nude pictures of his ADULT wife because he finds her sexually attractive. Please tell me where you make the leap from men who are sexually attracted to their wives equals paedophilic desires. This must be the sickest projection I have ever read on MN.
He took pictures of his wife because he finds her attractive. She may have let him if he asked. She may not. The issue is CONSENT - and a mans oft held belief that he doesn't need consent because it's his wife. This does not make him a potential child molester. !!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/01/2018 23:00

The issue is CONSENT - and a mans oft held belief that he doesn't need consent because it's his wife. This does not make him a potential child molester

It can make him a criminal though.

He took pictures of his wife because he finds her attractive

Without her consent, repeatedly, apologist.

TheDoorMat · 03/01/2018 23:00

Sorry
I read it as she found a picture dating back to 2015
I'm under the impression that he took one in 2015 and just taken a few recently. Not that there is a gallery of images dating all the way back to 2015

Again, apologies...I sense I'm digging myself a hole here.
It just seems such a bizzare thing to post on a public forum.

GingerbreadMa · 03/01/2018 23:02

"He just finds her attractive bless him"
No. What he finds attractive is doing something to her which she has no say in or control over.

kittensinmydinner1 · 03/01/2018 23:03

RestingGrinchFace Great post. This is all you need to ask yourself. Does he normally treat you as an owned object ? Is this just another in a long line of issues of the same type or is this just something he got badly wrong. ?

gillybeanz · 03/01/2018 23:05

Me and my dh have done this in the past, but the trust was there to begin with, we both knew each wouldn't mind and it was for personal use only.

It's pretty clear that the OP isn't into this and after 10 years of marriage if her dh was on the level, he'd know this too.

Passthesalt1 · 03/01/2018 23:07

I’ve just told my dh and he was like, that’s wrong! Because it is and a massive deal.

LouHotel · 03/01/2018 23:09

This thread is full of so many dissapointing comments perputatiolng victim blaming.

it boils down to the OP did not consent for naked pictures being taken and equally the sending to email is a red flag and in this age of web enlightenment there is a very clear chance that her photos were being shared.

Equally having daughters is worrying - moving on to abusing his own daughters privacy is obviously the extreme which i think with the little information presented is unlikely but there are well documented cases. However their father clearly has an issue with consent so what will happen with their own future relationships if this is there benchmark.

If your going to stay with him he needs professional therapy and couples counselling.

kittensinmydinner1 · 03/01/2018 23:11

SheGotBetteDavisEyes Do fuck off dear. You obviously are struggling with basic comprehension. As I have already said that this is a consent issue.

Just because my default setting isn't just LTB every time a couple have an issue, doesn't make me an apologist. You gave your opinion and then I gave my without the need to insult you. Please afford me the same courtesy.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/01/2018 23:17

You gave your opinion and then I gave my without the need to insult you

Do fuck off dear

That's arguably rather insulting. Dear.

Your comments sounded - and still sound - like an apologist to me, so I mentioned it. It is my opinion. I'm entitled to it.

Let's agree to disagree, shall we?

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