AIBU to be upset at husband for taking naked pics whilst asleep

[scoobysu]

Married for 10 years with two young daughters (under 4). DH is a fantastic Dad, caring husband and we are very happy. That was until Monday when I found naked pictures of myself that he had taken when I was asleep or not looking (without consent) and emailed them to himself from his phone. I am so upset and spent last night crying myself to sleep. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I will ever be able to trust him again but I also don’t want to break up my family as until now we have been very happy. What should I do? I confronted him and he has been very upset and apologied repeatedly and is begging for another chance. He said it was a huge mistake but I have found a photo dating back to 2015 so I think this has been going on for a while. I feel totally sick and betrayed but I don’t know if I am overreacting by being so upset. AIBU? What would you do?

Thanks in advance x

[AssassinatedBeauty]

You know the saying about if you are able to use a website's services for free then you as the user are the commodity. The number of users and the amount of traffic is what MN use to sell their advertising, their jobs website etc etc.

[1DAD2KIDS]

It's not on. Like any other sexual activity or fetish it needs to be concenting both ways. Sometimes we take our partners for granted as if we are totally shared property. We forget we are out own sovereign enterties even in marriage. YANBU and this is totally out of order.

I'm sure in many other ways he great. Often hero's and villains are contained in the same person, humans are complex. We are not all good or all bad and various mixes of this. It's up to you how you play this now and if you can work past this.

[Dustysparrow]

So essentially it's about what is more important; revenue of MN as a business or protecting MNetters themselves.

[DreamyMcDreamy]

Is there nothing at all that MNHQ can do to protect content on here from being lifted by journalists (if you can even call them that). Some way of copyright protecting content on here so that third parties need written consent before they can duplicate information on from MN??

How would that work, though?By submitting stuff to here, you make it MN's property and lose rights to it. They're obviously going to want their content shared too, and do it themselves via mediums such as their Facebook page and Twitter for example.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

MNHQ won't want to do that as they'll get extra traffic from the DM website and be able to sell more advertising as a result.

[DreamyMcDreamy]

I'm always "and this is why you don't overshare on the internet, as it's akin to posting your problems on the town notice board, but on a global scale.
Even I think this is far too far though - someone posts on here in obvious emotional distress and looking for help and advice, so I l know! Let's use it as content filler and get people talking.
You've got to be a certain kind of callous to think that's OK.

[Dustysparrow]

Is there nothing at all that MNHQ can do to protect content on here from being lifted by journalists (if you can even call them that). Some way of copyright protecting content on here so that third parties need written consent before they can duplicate information on from MN?? There must be some way somehow. The poor OP is here for support and already feeling vulnerable - she must feel totally violated by this now being splashed across the Daily fucking Mail.

The sooner that pathetic rag goes the same way as the News of the World the better. It isn't fit to wipe arses with. It's a hate mongering, scare mongering, abusive piece of crap with no respect for the dignity of anyone living or dead. The people who work there should be disgusted with themselves.

[caringdenise009]

She's protected her tweets. The irony

[Justbreathing]

Latoya.
as your'e reading this thread, I feel really sorry for you. I worked very hard to get a decent career in my chosen field. And it's amazing.

It must be utterly soul destroying for you, that all you do is sit on mumsnet all day, looking for the most shocking/depressing/sad thread and you don't even do it through choice!

Sad that you wanted to be a journalist, and all you ended up doing was this.

Honestly, I thank my lucky stars that I don't have to do something like this for a living. I bet your parents were pretty proud when you told them of your ambitions
I wonder what they really think now.

[ClaryFray]

Daily mail are wankers! Not even journalists imo.

[Justbreathing]

twitter.com/_latoyalovely?lang=en-gb

maybe someone should tweet her and tell her that "her god" wouldn't be best pleased with causing other people misery because she's a lazy journo.

[caringdenise009]

Scoobysu, I'm afraid that the fact he has immediately booked counseling made me think that there is much more to this. Most men minimise and dismiss. I'd have expected just him showing them being deleted and a promise it won't happen again. Him doing that seems to me to show that he knows it's more serious. I really hope I'm wrong.

This is horrifying breach of your trust. An invasion of your privacy that is to an outsider completely unforgivable.

[lynzpynz]

Agreed @assassinatedbeauty, legally online re-posting laws are very much lacking in protection (how could you police it after all?).

How low do their morals however need to stoop to use someone else’s stress, worry and pain to their advantage? Ugh if being asked to write an article like that doesn’t make someone re-think their chosen ‘career’ what would...

[LemonShark]

Seriously daily mail that is fucking vile you've done this. Way to victimise someone further by turning a request for support/advice into an even more public spectacle. Readers who've made it here, hope you're happy supporting a rag that think it's okay to nick forum posts and use them instead of actual journalism. I sincerely wouldn't be surprised if her husband sees this now. I know nothing online is private but for fuck's sake have some humanity. I expect little from the daily mail but they've shocked even me this time.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

No there really isn't. This is a public site, what you post here is already public and can be read by anyone. Just as if you had posted it on a public notice board in the middle of town. There's nothing to stop anyone else taking a copy and reporting on it.

[lynzpynz]

www.google.co.uk/amp/www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5235993/amp/Husband-secretly-photographs-wife-naked-whilst-sleeps.html

What the hell daily fail?! Surely there must be something out there regarding privacy laws to prevent them lifting conversations from here and regurgitating them as ‘news’?

[ShoesHaveSouls]

You're joking?

Fuck the fuck off Daily Fail - you have no shame.

[YearOfYouRemember]

@Scoobysu - I'm sorry to say this is on the mail on line site.

[Flamencoflamingo]

That’s really disgusting of him OP.

A man that I was casually dating did this to me. Showed him in a nasty light and triggered my decision to stop seeing him.

I appreciate this is perhaps more emotionally complicated as he is your husband. At the very least I’d suggest couples’ counselling where you can explain to him just how violated this has made you feel and he can genuinely apologise. However, if it’s part of a pattern of selfish or inappropriate behaviour, perhaps it’s time to reconsider how “fantastic” he is

Good luck

[Piccolino2]

OP, I am so sorry to read this. I cannot imagine what an awful predicament this puts you in and how utterly violated and disturbed you must feel and I am very shocked at some of the responses here.

I think you know that this is not innocent and I think it would seem unlikely that your DH was doing this just for his own viewing pleasure. With that said you likely will never know if he has shared these pictures and where. It is absolutely not normal in the slightest to take pictures of you naked spouse without their consent.

I suppose over the next few days and weeks you need to ask yourself if you will ever be able to trust him again? I think without all the truth behind this that will be difficult, if not impossible to do. Will you always worry that he will take advantage of you while you’re at your most vulnerable.

I wonder if you would be able to log this with the police without it going any further for the moment? It may not work that way but you really don’t know how the future is headed and I would worry that if you do spit in future he will have unsupervised access to your young daughters. I’m sorry to say that but can you really now know who this man is? There may not be but there could be other things he’s hiding too.

Please do not feel embarrassed - you did nothing but go to sleep! The shame is not for you. Please remember that. Talk to a good friend, you really need support through this. Big hug to you. X

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Well done for taking some time out to consider this, scooby. His own counselling might be useful or it might just be self indulgence, but I agree you could benefit from separate counselling for yourself ... and whether joint visits would be worthwhile in future isn't something you need to worry about for now

I also understand you not wanting to tell everyone about this at least for now, but is there perhaps just one utterly discreet person you could safely confide in, to have some real life support as you move ahead?

You're absolutely right that the trust may never return and that you'll almost certainly never know the full truth about what he's done, but you don't need to make any firm decisions until you're good and ready. In the meantime, as you move through counselling and come to understand the much better treatment you deserve, you may well find your decision becoming a lot clearer

[Graphista]

Your head must be spinning. Counselling for you is an excellent idea. Counselling for him I don't think changes a persons fundamental inability to have respect for others especially their partner. It doesn't stop violent partners from being violent and I'm sorry but I don't think it would stop a sex offender from being a creep either.

I understand you're still in shock and there may well be some denial going on too, perhaps your counsellor can get you through that too, because I like others am concerned for your safety.

You need to know if these images have been shared, if he did anything other than "just" taking the pictures...

I couldn't bear to be in the same house as him when I was conscious let alone try to relax enough to sleep. And if your ability to relax/sleep is affected you are going to be seriously on track for major mh issues.

I honestly can't see how a relationship could recover from such a violation.

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

Oh you poor love.
Just take your time. I totally understand your anxiety about what else he might be hiding online.

[Thesunisshining2018]

I've name changed for this.

My exdp I found out during a conversation that he had posted pictures of me online without my consent.
The pictures were supposed to be between the two of us. Yes they were sexual in nature. He mentioned it during a conversation and I laughed thinking he was joking.

A day later he shows me the pc, and there on a website I was. He immediately took them down as obviously I went ballistic, crying and humiliated more than anything.

He thought everything was ok, as he'd taken them down. What a joke. I feel sick still 5 years later knowing that someone somewhere could have a picture of me stored on there pc.

We split up over it, I never told people why as I was too ashamed. People think we just fell out of love. No he destroyed my trust in him, and I would never ever trust him again.

OP I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope to God he hasn't done anything with those pictures of you. Do you come back from something like this? I couldn't. Maybe you are stronger than me. X

[picklemepopcorn]

Counselling is to help him understand why this behaviour is so intrusive. At the moment, he doesn't understand or doesn't care.

It is possible that it hasn't occurred to him that this behaviour objectifies you, disrespects you, invades your autonomy, undermines your trust. Hopefully counselling will help recognise those attitudes in himself. Does he only cherish you because you are a prized possession, for example.

You need it too, OP.