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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at husband for taking naked pics whilst asleep

203 replies

scoobysu · 03/01/2018 19:45

Married for 10 years with two young daughters (under 4). DH is a fantastic Dad, caring husband and we are very happy. That was until Monday when I found naked pictures of myself that he had taken when I was asleep or not looking (without consent) and emailed them to himself from his phone. I am so upset and spent last night crying myself to sleep. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I will ever be able to trust him again but I also don’t want to break up my family as until now we have been very happy. What should I do? I confronted him and he has been very upset and apologied repeatedly and is begging for another chance. He said it was a huge mistake but I have found a photo dating back to 2015 so I think this has been going on for a while. I feel totally sick and betrayed but I don’t know if I am overreacting by being so upset. AIBU? What would you do?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 03/01/2018 20:37

I also wonder what the male posters on Mumsnet think of this

Oh, gosh, that's right, we need to know what the men think. We're obviously silly little women who should realise when we marry, men own our bodies. 😒 FFS!

Altimate · 03/01/2018 20:37

A horrible thing to do, real,y nasty. It would also raise some anxieties for me about young daughters for the future.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 03/01/2018 20:38

I would hope SantaClausMightWork that the male posters of mumsnet would be disgusted at how the OPs husband has treated her! Much like if I was to tell my own partner about this I would be very shocked and upset if he wasn’t disgusted too.

But tbh I fail to see what fucking difference it makes whatever sex you are. A man’s opinion is of no more value than a woman’s Hmm

GrooovyLass · 03/01/2018 20:39

I'd be contacting the police. I'd also be finding out where else he's been sending the photos.

AssassinatedBeauty · 03/01/2018 20:40

It's the total lack of understanding or caring about consent that's the issue. He wanted to do it, so he did. He must have known you would have said no, so he didn't ask you. I think I'd be sleeping in a different room with a door I could lock, and I'd be asking him to be truthful about whether he has ever shared any of the images.

The fact he's emailed them means they're already insecure.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/01/2018 20:45

If a stranger did this, of course we would all see it as a crime

Quite. I'm aghast at people saying that they 'wouldn't really mind.'

For anyone to be fine with their husband or partner treating their trust with such contempt is hard to understand.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 03/01/2018 20:48

He's not sorry that he's upset you OP, he's just sorry he got caught. It's a gross betrayal of trust. So sorry that the man you loved and trusted has done this to you.

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 20:49

He's not a "caring" partner as he's done this

He's creepy. Also has he shared these pictures anywhere? Ltb

Lostlily · 03/01/2018 20:50

I had a partner once who was So lovely, well mannered, well spoken, well educated and lovely family, I really liked him, and then one day he started talking about his weird fantasies, first involving photos of me and then it got worse and he wanted other people to see me and touch me, while he was with me....so it was okay Hmm I wouldn't be in any danger ! IMAGINE! how shocked I was, he said he wanted to show me off and it was just his exhibitionist sexual fantatsies...........
Where does this twisted stuff come from and why are men like this?

I'd be very worried if anyone was photographing me whilst I was asleep, I take it you are naked in some of these photos?
You have no idea where these photos have gone and I am sure it would be a criminal offense!

Graphista · 03/01/2018 20:53

Op there are certain sites where these type of images are not only shared but requested. Sorry to say I highly doubt given he's transferred them to email that he's kept them to himself.

You need to get the police involved because

A it is/was a criminal act - possibly several crimes committed depending on your location

B police have the tech and resources to not only locate these images but to have them removed from some sites, sadly not all and once something is on the web well it's there forever but the damage could be reduced.

So so sorry this has happened to you.

Inertia · 03/01/2018 20:55

He's very upset because he's scared he might go to prison. You're under-reacting.

Parky04 · 03/01/2018 20:57

Probably just wank material. If he has shared them then I would report to the police and LTB. If they were for his eyes only, I would have an honest and frank discussion with him that under no circumstances should he continue to take any further pictures. IMHO (providing he hasn't shared them) this is not serious enough (although PP would disagree) to end a marriage that otherwise would appear to have been a very happy one.

GingerbreadMa · 03/01/2018 20:59

Him not taking any further pictures does not undo the fact that he doesnt give a stuff about consent. That IS worth ending a marraige over!

Lifeisabeach09 · 03/01/2018 21:00

Not discussing with you and not gaining your consent is key but I'd hardly call him a sexual predator.
I think if my husband of ten years wanted naked photos of me, I'd be flattered (providing he wasn't sharing them) but, again, he'd need my consent first.
I'd discuss it with him to find out why he did it and what he is doing with the photos.

Bananamanfan · 03/01/2018 21:00

Parky that's bollocks, it most definitely is worthy of ending a marriage over (and the husband is responsible for its end).

JaneEyre70 · 03/01/2018 21:01

Are you computer savvy OP? If you are, I'd suggest doing an image search on the photos to make sure he hasn't shared them.
It would be a deal breaker for me, sorry, and I'd report him for it too. That is not something you do to someone you love.

Graphista · 03/01/2018 21:03

Parky (and others with similar views) you are condoning a serious crime, that's out of order.

How would you feel if the person you loved did something, anything sexual involving you WITHOUT your consent? THAT is the key issue here.

Voyeurism and exhibitionism are common fantasies/turn-ons but nothing should EVER happen without the consent of all involved.

Graphista · 03/01/2018 21:04

Sadly a standard image search won't get you very far usually as the type of sites these images are shared on exempt themselves from these searches. They're not stupid!

Boulshired · 03/01/2018 21:05

He broke your trust with the photos, this is not a man you could trust not to have shared them no matter what he says. Of course he is going to say they are just for him. Women who are ok with nude photos probably have partners who do not need to sneak about violating them in their sleep.

AssassinatedBeauty · 03/01/2018 21:07

Of course taking naked pictures of someone without their consent is something that a sexual criminal would do. I don't know why the fact it's her husband makes this ok for some people, it makes it worse for me.

xXKXx · 03/01/2018 21:10

Did you ask why he took the photos? For his own pleasure or sharing with friends?? Your not being unreasonable, he needs your permission to obtain photos like that

AdalindSchade · 03/01/2018 21:10

I couldn't forgive this, ever. It's unforgivable.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2018 21:13

Did somebody really wonder what the menz might think ? Hmm

Fuck me

Original poster
scoobysu · 03/01/2018 21:14

He said they were just for him but he works in IT so can cover his tracks well. I guess I will never know if they have been shared or not. My mind is going crazy wondering what else he may have done. I feel so sick and don’t really want to talk to family or friends about it as everyone loves him and I just wouldn’t know what to say to them. I think deep down I know the trust is gone but I can’t even start to think about a future on my own with my girls, it’s not something I’ve ever thought about even for a minute. Devastated doesn’t come close.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 03/01/2018 21:17

This is unforgivable, how on earth could you ever go to sleep beside him again without being wary he would do this again?