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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at husband for taking naked pics whilst asleep

203 replies

scoobysu · 03/01/2018 19:45

Married for 10 years with two young daughters (under 4). DH is a fantastic Dad, caring husband and we are very happy. That was until Monday when I found naked pictures of myself that he had taken when I was asleep or not looking (without consent) and emailed them to himself from his phone. I am so upset and spent last night crying myself to sleep. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I will ever be able to trust him again but I also don’t want to break up my family as until now we have been very happy. What should I do? I confronted him and he has been very upset and apologied repeatedly and is begging for another chance. He said it was a huge mistake but I have found a photo dating back to 2015 so I think this has been going on for a while. I feel totally sick and betrayed but I don’t know if I am overreacting by being so upset. AIBU? What would you do?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 03/01/2018 21:20

OP, call his bluff and tell him you have found some online and see how he reacts.

BlackPeppercorn · 03/01/2018 21:21

I'd find it very difficult to come back from this. I don't think I could ever feel relaxed around him again.

DH has naked pictures of me, many years old. There are some of him too. We took them together when we were young and wild and drunk and had bodies to be proud of. They are on a camera card in an envelope in a locked box with a label that says these are documents to be handed to our solicitor for disposal. There are also some rather spiteful letters a family member sent to another relative which were given to me for safekeeping, and other stuff that no one else need see. If I asked DH right now where are those pictures he'd have trouble remembering and then would get very concerned that they were lost and perhaps someone other than us had seen them.

He will tell you that your beauty and form so entranced him that he just couldn't help but have some small private record of them. It's pervy is what it is.

Lostlily · 03/01/2018 21:22

scoobysu
I totally understand how scared and confused you must feel.
You need to perhaps go to a professional and ask advice, firstly on your own.
You do need to talk to someone in real life hun, I had a terrible shock with my dh iof 16 years and had to leave him and go it alone,with my dd.
That very day I knew it was over and unrecoverable and it took almost a year to sort everything our but I have no regrets and have my peace of mind a dignity in tact. People are very clever and manipulative.
This is a huge deal and you need to talk to someone professional asap

Beahun · 03/01/2018 21:25

Oh dear, yanbu! Sounds like he knows how to cover things from you. Do you think he would go counselling with you? Is he addicted to porn? Did he mentioned anything like that for you? From being addicted to porn just a step to looking up pedofil images.
Did he say why he has done it? Even if it's not true did he try to reason with you?
I'm very sorry what he's putting you through.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 03/01/2018 21:26

^

This.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2018 21:28

I'll bet he's been sharing them.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/01/2018 21:29

Graphista You're right of course that the tech exists to trace/remove some images, but IME the sheer cost means the police won't use it unless there's been a really major crime. When exH sneaked naked images of me to send to his sexting partners, they really didn't give a damn beyond making a few sad noises

In OP's case, she'll almost certainly never know what's happened to "her" photos. It's been going on for over 2 years, so now he's been caught he'll certainly have deleted stuff and he'll hardly tell the truth given the possible consequences for himself

Sadly, all she can do is make her own decision on whether she can live with this degree of violation

alarox · 03/01/2018 21:29

Graphista said everything I was thinking. I would call the police tomorrow. Then a divorce lawyer.

Sorry OP Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2018 21:33

I would bet my life he has shared these images. Your husband has violated your trust and privacy beyond redemption. I'm so sorry.

JaneEyre70 · 03/01/2018 21:34

And for gods sake don't sleep naked again. Pj's or a onesie from now on and a locked bathroom for showering/bathing.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/01/2018 21:39

OP, call his bluff and tell him you have found some online and see how he reacts

I very rarely suggest not be completely upfront, but I think this ^^ is a good idea in the circumstances.

Purely because you need to know where these photographs have made their way to. It changes nothing about your DH.

It's unthinkably hard for you OP, but you have two young daughters and they are your priority. I would have serious, serious worries about my DC being around someone who did something like this.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2018 21:40

jane nice bit of victim blaming tgere. Op should be able to sleep how she wants, without worrying whether pearling Tom is going to take pictures.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2018 21:40

Peeping doh

JaneEyre70 · 03/01/2018 21:41

But she can't sleep peacefully can she? That's the whole point.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/01/2018 21:42

he works in IT so can cover his tracks well

Blast - I was afraid of that. There's now no chance at all of knowing where the images have gone, and even less of him telling the truth about them Hmm

I'm really sorry, scooby, and hope you'll choose to protect yourself and your lovely girls Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2018 21:42

Imam sure now after this, she will sleep with night clothes on!

Ohmyfuck · 03/01/2018 21:44

I would be devastated. How awful. I'm sorry for you and your girls. To take them when you're asleep???????? Wtf?

jaseyraex · 03/01/2018 21:46

I had an ex who did this to me. I stupidly let it go after him telling me the photos were just for him and I was so beautiful blah blah blah. It ate away at me for months before I went through his laptop and there were hundreds of photos of me naked, and I soon realised I was very drunk and passed out in most of these photos. Couldn't remember even undressing in most of them. Then I found more of him having sex with me whilst I was sleeping/passed out. He'd been raping me in my drunken sleepy state and photographing it to share online with other perverts.

I would absolutely not forgive your husband for this. He's been taking nude photos without your consent, you have no idea what else he has done or could do. Leaving may seem scary but staying with a man who violates you like that is even scarier. Hope you're okay OP Flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/01/2018 21:46

call his bluff and tell him you have found some online and see how he reacts

I'm not so sure, frankly. Unless scooby's also very tech savvy he'll tie her in knots over where she's supposed to have found the images, and any weakness displayed will surely just make things worse

Ohmyfuck · 03/01/2018 21:47

JayneEyre70 What???? It's her home, her life, and you're suggestion to the sheer awfulness of this is that she should wear pjs and lock her own bathroom door? Are you serious?!

strangerhoes · 03/01/2018 21:48

A man who takes nude photos of his wife without consent could also take them of his children.
A sexual predator is a sexual predator.
If you weren’t married to him you’d already have gone to the police i’d Bet.
Kick him out.

speakout · 03/01/2018 21:52

Unforgivable.

I;m sorry but there is no question that he has been sharing them.

Jaxhog · 03/01/2018 21:57

It is sexual assault. But only you know if you trust him when he says he'll never do it again.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 03/01/2018 21:58

I'm so sorry that he did this to you and that you are so upset. Personally I think that the accusations on here about him being a sexual predator and being addicted to porn and might be a Paedophile are unhelpful and bollocks. People project a lot.
Maybe he is just a man who loves your body and didn't seem the harm in what he was doing until it was too late. Men are really stupid sometimes, it doesn't make them rapists or paedophiles. You know him. What do you think? If you are happy otherwise, get some counselling together and see what can be done. Good luck

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 03/01/2018 21:59

I;m sorry but there is no question that he has been sharing them.

This is scaremongering and unhelpful