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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt by this?

232 replies

Whiterabbitears · 02/01/2018 18:57

My DH and our two DDs are Muslim. I'm not I'm white British but DH and I have always bought our girls up to accept and respect both our cultures so they can fit in with both. We live in a mainly white area with very few ethnic minority people so my girls have white friends. I have just seen on the dreaded Facebook a post from a friend of mine who's DD is also a friend of my DD asking why Muslims are allowed in this country, along the lines of "they hate dogs, pork and Jesus so they should get out" type of thing. Lots of people have liked and agreed with this that I know.

My friend and I have always been open about my family's faith and she has always claimed to be open minded about it and shown interest. I now feel that she's not being honest and probably judges us. I haven't commented on her post but I'm not sure how to proceed because right now I feel hurt, does she think my family should "get out too"?

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 02/01/2018 18:59

Yes, she does. She’ll tell you your family is “one of the good ones” but she’s a racist.

Defriend her and be civil only in future. Life is too short to give her room in your life.

Gizlotsmum · 02/01/2018 18:59

I’d have to say something. Not sure what

OwdBets · 02/01/2018 18:59

How horrible of her.
I'd be tempted to post a passive aggressive message about false friends but perhaps just defriending her and all mutual friends who liked her post.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 02/01/2018 19:01

I would comment exactly that - "Do you want DH and DC to get out too?"

Then defriend and avoid, nasty piece of work.

NSEA · 02/01/2018 19:02

It’s not easy dealing with thrings like that. However you react will be turned into you being over sensitive and taking fb too seriously.

If it were me I would comment “I’ll pack my bags then...”

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 02/01/2018 19:05

I've been very tempted to reply saying do you include my family? I dont want to alienate myself cos it seems a lot of people agree with her Sad

OP posts:
humblesims · 02/01/2018 19:05

I agree with RhiWrites

kaytee87 · 02/01/2018 19:06

She's an arsehole. I'd have to say something.

humblesims · 02/01/2018 19:07

a lot of people agree with her No, a concentration of racist idiots on Facebook agree with her.

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 02/01/2018 19:08

Yes she obviously is racist deep down, I feel so sad because she seemed so accepting and someone I could share family experiences with.

OP posts:
lightcola · 02/01/2018 19:10

That must be so hurtful. You definitely need to remove her from your life. I hate that some people have that attitude. It makes me so sad.

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 02/01/2018 19:12

I haven't been in touch with her since I saw the post, its sad because I enjoy her company but I don't think I can be myself with her now.

OP posts:
GreenPurpleRed · 02/01/2018 19:13

I've heard the forriners taking our jobs and houses (in London) spiel from people who I thought were friends and I've politely pointed out that both dh and I are immigrants.

Apparently they don't mean us Hmm

Sleepymcsleepyson · 02/01/2018 19:13

She's incredibly uneducated. This must be so upsetting for you. Id approach her and let her know that you're offended by this.

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 02/01/2018 19:14

Its nuts isn't it?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/01/2018 19:15

Goodness that really is upsetting.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 02/01/2018 19:15

Horrible situation. Do you call her out? Or just protect yourself by deleting and distancing?

No clear answer, really. It depends on whether you think she would actually learn and change, or if she's just one of those kneejerk racists.

I'd be tempted to ask a mutual friend to post something really calm, warm and rational - "I'm not sure if you're aware, but @Whiterabbitears' family is Muslim and this is rather hurtful."

From my perspective, as a white, straight female with very average white British family, I see it as my duty to call this shit out whenever I see it, so I'd hope someone might have your back on this.

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 02/01/2018 19:15

I don't want to just ignore her, I will need to let her know, I'm crap at confrontation!

OP posts:
SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 02/01/2018 19:17

Then maybe a very short and courteous, "I'm sorry you feel like this." would do the job?

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 02/01/2018 19:17

Soren

I agree, I would do the same as you if someone was insulting a mutual friend, I would have to speak up on their behalf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 02/01/2018 19:18

Cross post!

OP posts:
Wineasaurous · 02/01/2018 19:18

I dont want to alienate myself cos it seems a lot of people agree with her 

You either
A) keep quiet and remain involved in each other lives, knowing how she feels about you and your family
B) keep quite bit remove yourself from her association
C) say something. Point out how she has made you feel and ask her if she can categorically say that her entire family were born and bred in the UK dating all the way back to day dot.

Personally there is no way I would associate myself with someone like this and there is no way I would slink off away from the issue. She needs to know what her words actually mean

Mumof56 · 02/01/2018 19:19

but she’s a racist

Islam is a religion, not a race. There are Muslims from many races.

Unicorn81 · 02/01/2018 19:19

Ask her if she means your family, wait to see what she says then end the friendship and block her. Dont waste your time on shitheads like her

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 02/01/2018 19:20

From your OP, I think the shittest thing is seeing mutual friends 'liking' the post! To give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they're compulsive likers, maybe they feel they ought to to fit in.. but it's just not good enough! Definitely keep them at a distance. But it is a real disappointment for you.