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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my mum lied

199 replies

restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 12:56

Back story is my parents had to look after our children for 2 days this Christmas, I did not ask them to as I would not do that and we had childcare sorted out. But DB and DSIL asked if our childcarer could have their 2 as they were stuck - my childcarer said no - so my parents offered to stay on and look after all 4 kids at my house. All kids under 8.

I asked my mother if she could refrain from going on the internet during the daytime. She will happily sit there with a coffee reading newspapers online and doing emails and quizzes for ages, and I feel uncomfortable with that whilst there are 4 kids in the house and my dad is ill.

At this point I'm fully prepared for someone to say I was BU to ask her this. Maybe I was. But I came home and found the computer and modem on, the mousemat moved to the left (she's left handed) and all the history for that day and the day before deleted.

I did not want a row, but just casually mentioned that she'd deleted all the history so was she on the computer. A complete, flat no. Denied it totally.

This is what hurts. If she had said "rest, you were BU and I went on internet to do...." that's one thing. But to completely lie isn't on I don't think.

She has form in not owing up to things unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence - eg the time she was opening my post and resealing it. She resealed one envelope with the address window blank then told me the letter was for me. Finally she admitted she'd opened it, and said it was because she was 'mad'. WTF

I wonder if this is why I can't trust people and have had interpersonal issues - someone so close lying like this.

W(ho)IBU?

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 31/12/2017 13:00

I think ywbu to dictate how she spend her time -surely she can keep one eye on the kids while reading an online article?! That was controlling and unnecessary.
The lying thing would get me though. Maybe she feels she has to hide things from you as you judge her?

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/12/2017 13:02

Lying is infuriating. But you were awfully controlling to demand how she spends her time. As long as the kids are safe and cared for then it’s not your business.

If you didn’t think the kids would be safe you ought to have stuck with the childminder.

You were unreasonable this time, definitely, but I am sure there is a back story about her behaviour.

LackinginChristmascheer · 31/12/2017 13:02

Yes, she is BU. If she wasn't happy not going on the internet she could have challenged your request. As it was she ignored it and then lied to you.

What age are the children and what we're they doing? Are they old enough to keep themselves busy and safe as long as an adult is around?

In reality, none of us are able to be at dc's sides at all times when we are at home. We have to get on with things around the house and sometimes we're on our phones! Perhaps it wasn't realistic to expect her to just sit around doing nothing.

Msqueen33 · 31/12/2017 13:02

How old are the kids? Were they all okay? Do you never ever use the net when you look after your kids?

I’d say cut your mum a bit of slack. Maybe she felt she couldn’t be honest as you’d get massively upset about it.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2017 13:02

I can see your point but if I am looking after my DGC I don't expect to be told what I can and can't do whilst I have them.

Either you trust me to do it or you don't.

The lying shouldn't have happened but I'm assuming she didn't want to be told what to do.

Nicknacky · 31/12/2017 13:03

I think I would have lied to you too. Not to use the internet?!

I think you have massive trust issues but that's because of the way you are treating people, not the other way round.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2017 13:03

All kids under 8

The OP did say...

Spartaca · 31/12/2017 13:04

I would resent being treated like a child while doing you a massive favour and may be tempted to react like one.

If you knew you were being unreasonable why ask her? Checking her internet history etc is just plain controlling and odd.

LIZS · 31/12/2017 13:04

There were 2 of them looking after the dc? Maybe she just took a break. Your dc could have gone to your usual childcare but you opted to leave them at home. It wasn't your problem to solve but you chose to accommodate them all. Do you not ever go on internet when looking after your dc?

ZanyMobster · 31/12/2017 13:04

This is a difficult one as TBH I trust my mum completely to look after the DCs so if she chose to use the internet then that's her prerogative as it would be mine when they're in my care, doesn't mean I can't look after them well. If I didn't trust her then I wouldn't allow her to look after them.

The lying would really piss me off though but without knowing a lot more history then she probably did it as she knew your reaction. The letter opening issue is horrible but not really related to this scenario.

Personally I'd I felt I had to specify what anyone looking after my children did or didn't do then I wouldn't ask them to look.after the kids so YAprobablyBU. You should have continued with your original plan and don't ask her again.

TheSameCoin · 31/12/2017 13:04

Well she shouldn’t have lied but YWBVU for making such a big deal about the internet. I’m currently in charge of 2 children and am MNing while they watch a film. It’s not necessary to interact with them every second.

Ontopofthesunset · 31/12/2017 13:05

You checked her search history?

MsGameandWatching · 31/12/2017 13:07

How horribly controlling you are. I wouldn’t have deleted the history and I wouldn’t have lied about it, I would have told you straight up that I had been on it and if you wanted me providing that level of childcare then you don’t get to order me not to be on the net.

Can this possibly be true? Do people really think they gave the right to make these demands? Shock

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2017 13:09

I think I’d just lie if someone was dictating my Internet usage and checking my browsing history!!

Greggers2017 · 31/12/2017 13:09

Wow! Just wow! It is possible to use the internet and supervise children you know. Even paid childcarers sometimes do it when logging observations etc.
If you're not happy with the way your mum looks after the kids find your own babysitter.
If this was a man saying he'd done it to his wife he would be being flamed right now.
Noticing that the mouse had moved and checking internet history is plain weird.
I suggest seeking help with your trust issues.
I'd lie also if I knew I'd get your reaction

Namechangetempissue · 31/12/2017 13:11

It would actually make me really angry to be told, as an adult, that I "wasn't allowed" to go on the internet for a browse while doing someone a big favour. Then to be scolded for doing so by someone checking the internet history -horrible!
I honestly can't see a problem or a difference than her sitting on the sofa with a book or paper than doing the same on a laptop. I can certainly do both as I'm sure most can. Can I ask why and what you were expecting her to do instead?
I can feel a big backstory/drip feed coming...

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 13:12

Weird all round....

Why can't she go on the internet?

Why did she feel the need to lie about it?

Why delete the history?

Why did you check the history?

Why does she open your post?

Yeah.....just all weird sorry Hmm

wanderlust99 · 31/12/2017 13:13

OP it is horrible that she has form for lying and the opening/resealing of mail is weird. However you sound very controlling and I think YWBVU for asking her to refrain from internet the whole time. She is an adult who I assume raised children. Being on the internet may distract her a bit, but it isn't like someone getting drunk that would inhibit their ability to look after the DC.

Sandsnake · 31/12/2017 13:14

YWBU. I actually find your request hard to get my head around. Rather than focussing on your mother lying I would think about why you put her in a situation where she felt like she needed to lie.

RedForFilth · 31/12/2017 13:15

You both sound a bit pathetic!

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:15

FAOD, the childcare I had sorted out was in my own home, not a child minder, so no option to still use that.

I knew I'd get comments like - if you aren't happy, get your own childcare. I did, but DB messed it up.

The backstory is that she ignores my kids. That's why I would not have asked her to care for them, but felt I had no choice as DB was in a hole.

OP posts:
Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:17

Sandsnake, I didn't put her in the situation. I decided a long time ago, I didn't want my parents to look after my children without me. Various reasons, I'm not happy with them doing it.

It was either do this, or totally let me DB down and I couldn't do that to him.

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 31/12/2017 13:18

You did have a choice though. Surely she could have just looked after the others instead!

Namechangetempissue · 31/12/2017 13:18

Ignores and neglects or just lets them get on with playing and does the basic drinks/snacks etc? There is a huge difference. I would probably leave 4 kids to entertain each other to a certain extent rather than hovering over them -or let them watch a film.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2017 13:19

Well you're both unreasonable. Asking her to not go on the computer isn't on, either you trust her or you don't and she was doing you all a favour.

As usual there is now a drip feed because the answers aren't going your way.