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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sad that my mum lied

199 replies

restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 12:56

Back story is my parents had to look after our children for 2 days this Christmas, I did not ask them to as I would not do that and we had childcare sorted out. But DB and DSIL asked if our childcarer could have their 2 as they were stuck - my childcarer said no - so my parents offered to stay on and look after all 4 kids at my house. All kids under 8.

I asked my mother if she could refrain from going on the internet during the daytime. She will happily sit there with a coffee reading newspapers online and doing emails and quizzes for ages, and I feel uncomfortable with that whilst there are 4 kids in the house and my dad is ill.

At this point I'm fully prepared for someone to say I was BU to ask her this. Maybe I was. But I came home and found the computer and modem on, the mousemat moved to the left (she's left handed) and all the history for that day and the day before deleted.

I did not want a row, but just casually mentioned that she'd deleted all the history so was she on the computer. A complete, flat no. Denied it totally.

This is what hurts. If she had said "rest, you were BU and I went on internet to do...." that's one thing. But to completely lie isn't on I don't think.

She has form in not owing up to things unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence - eg the time she was opening my post and resealing it. She resealed one envelope with the address window blank then told me the letter was for me. Finally she admitted she'd opened it, and said it was because she was 'mad'. WTF

I wonder if this is why I can't trust people and have had interpersonal issues - someone so close lying like this.

W(ho)IBU?

OP posts:

Christmascardqueen · 31/12/2017 17:07

I love playing solitaire for hours on end....would you consider that being “online”

Ruffian · 31/12/2017 17:08

But DB and DSIL asked if our childcarer could have their 2 as they were stuck - my childcarer said no - so my parents offered to stay on and look after all 4 kids at my house.

So the parents offered and their offer was accepted by the OP so essentially she did ask them to look after the children, rather than asking her DB to make his own arrangements.

meercat23 · 31/12/2017 17:21

The Opening Post says quite clearly that the OPs parents offered to stay and look after all four children once the temporary nanny had refused. I don't see where this becomes, OP had to have asked her parents. There is quite a difference between not liking to refuse them as this would cause upset, and asking them for the childcare in the first place.

Sometimes MN is amazing, people just reinvent facts to suit their own argument.

Whether OP should have accepted the offer or not is not what the original question is about. The OP asked whether she was right or wrong to ask for no internet use and then check up.

Notonthestairs · 31/12/2017 17:30

Your mum went on the internet and what happened? Presumably all 4 kids are fine and unmarked by the experience of Granny doing an online crossword. Non problem.

Okadas · 31/12/2017 17:35

There is a big difference between accepting an offer and asking for something.

The OP has nothing to do with her DB and SIL's inability to organise childcare in advance. Yet they made it her problem by putting her in the position of helping or hinder their childcare by accepting or refusing their parents' help. That was very unfair.

Asking her DM to not go on the internet was a mistake, but I think she knows that now.

As for the lying...I hate that! Nothing makes me feel more like a hysterical harpy than getting upset about being lied to about small petty things. It's just so disrespectful.

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 17:36

Meercat - I think there is a lot of projection going in too. For some reason, the OP has to be the villain in this.

Chattymummyhere · 31/12/2017 17:41

I couldn’t imagine not being able to check an email or something while looking after my own kids let alone watching four children for two days being banned from the internet would of been a big fat nah sorry changed my mind.

Stickystickstick · 31/12/2017 17:49

OP I totally get it. My MIL stays over 200 miles away in a different country and doesn’t get to see my kids often. She is constantly on her phone when we see her. She asked for my dd to stay over in her flat (she bought one where we live for when she visits) then proceeded to ignore her while mucking about on social media all night. She also did it when I asked her to keep an eye on my then 7 yo dd and 5 week old baby while I returned my dog from a play park we were all visiting to my car less than 100m away. When I returned she’d put her bag on top of the fabric car seat hood and couldn’t see the baby (so resting on baby’s head) and was on her bloody phone ignoring my 7year old dangling from the climbing frame by one leg stuck.

I won’t allow her to babysit anymore and I say allow because she asks us if she can do it, I’d never ask her.

Julie8008 · 31/12/2017 17:56

Your mother probably felt she had to lie because you had been so controlling of her behaviour. She must have worried about what you would say if she admitted it.

Do people still use modems?

Andylion · 31/12/2017 17:57

If the OP feels she had no choice but to accept that her DM was going to look after her DC because of her DB’s lack of organization, I’d expect her to be a little pissed off at him, to be honest.

It seems strange that he is barely mentioned here.

namechange2222 · 31/12/2017 18:06

Mumsnet would be extremely quiet if all parents refrain from going on the internet during the daytime

Notonthestairs · 31/12/2017 18:17

I'm actually a bit sympathetic in the sense it must have worried the Op - but I think a better would have been to say upfront 4 kids will be a handful, they will need watching so you probably won't get much time to yourself - and thank you, you're being a star stepping in. Expecting no internet at all seems unlikely - we have double play dates (so 4 under 10) and I hide in the kitchen with MN sometimes

Boysnme · 31/12/2017 18:29

I’d not be impressed if anyone visiting my house for any reason thought it was ok to use my computer without asking.

I’d be ok with them on their own laptop / tablet however as long as it wasn’t for hours at a time and the kids were ok but I think it depends on the age of the kids as all under 8 doesn’t really tell us anything.

OP next time if you aren’t happy with the arrangement just say it doesn’t work for you rather than put yourself in a position that you are uncomfortable with.

bestthings · 31/12/2017 18:30

Babysitting in someone else's house can be incredibly boring.,When you've got them in your own house it's fine, you can potter about getting on with stuff. Totally different in someone else's house, you really do need something to do, personally i find the internet the perfect thing whilst at the same time watching the kids. It's unlikely the whole period was spent on it. I think she only lied because she knew how you'd react. Understandable really.

LaContessaDiPlump · 31/12/2017 18:36

NannyOgg based on observed evidence, I am standing by that one. The vast majority of women whom I've encountering pulling that sort of BS are about my mum's age (and generally from fairly traditional gender stereotyped backgrounds, as an additional consideration). Drove me batty.

meercat23 · 31/12/2017 19:18

Mumsnet would be extremely quiet if all parents refrain from going on the internet during the daytime Very true

Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 19:25

Lacontessa - Thanks for lumping all of us "older ladies" together.

LaContessaDiPlump · 31/12/2017 19:31

I do realise that the behaviour is not universal whinesalot (and indeed am very grateful for that), just as self-entitled behaviour isn't universal in millennials and disruptive behaviour isn't universal in toddlers. But those behaviours in those groups don't exactly cause surprise either.

AliPfefferman · 01/01/2018 03:49

Rothbury , Ive only skimmed the thread and I can answer your questions.

Your parents were staying at your house over Christmas?

Yes.

And so were your brother and SIL and their DC?

No, or maybe, but this isn’t relevant to the issue.

You say DB childcare arrangements let him down - what arrangements were these and why were they at your house?

DB’s original childcare plan is irrelevant. Bottom line is he was in a bind and needed childcare. DB/DSIL were not originally planning to have their kids at OP’s house, but their flat is tiny and it’s 35 miles from OP’s house, which is large. So it wasn’t fair to ask parents to drive both ways twice, and they couldn’t stay at DB’s. So the best option was to have all kids at OP’s.

If they were staying at yours, why did they need this childcare?

See above.

If they weren't staying at yours, but were just going to work, why did they arrange childcare at your house? What do they usually do?

Again, see above. They weren’t planning to be at OP’s and their original arrangement isn’t relevant. It fell through, bottom line. OP didn’t think they were taking the piss and she wanted to be helpful.

Why would your parents have to stay overnight at brothers to do the childcare?

They wouldn’t. But it was two consecutive days and they live 200 miles away so they had to sleep somewhere. They were originally planning to go home but ageeed to stay on to help with childcare.

I am so confused!!!

That’s your problem. OP has been clear, multiple times.

CIssieB · 01/01/2018 04:15

OP, there’s obviously some history here but to say don’t go online was silly. Would watching the TV have been any different?

I never have rules imposed on me when I have my grandchildren because I see them often enough to know them inside out, and to know what my children prefer for them. It doesn’t need said. If any of my lot told me not to go online when I had the children I’d laugh and tell them to get over themselves. I’d think they were being ridiculous. So would their siblings. We’d have a good laugh about it - even the ridiculous one.

You have a professional childcarer who looks after your children and I think it means you have a lot of control in how their day pans out. Probably because you feel guilty at being away from them in the first place and handing over to a someone else. The reality is though that you can’t control every aspect of their life and you need to let go a bit. You also need to stop feeling guilty.

huha · 01/01/2018 04:39

You have a modem?

What year is it again??

IndigoMoonFlower · 01/01/2018 04:56

Soooo she opened your mail and you checked her internet histories! Both more alike than you probably realise as neither of you respect the other;s privacy or boundaries.

She did lie. She won't change now, but at least you know she lies. In future cant your DB sort out his own childcare?

ChickenMom · 01/01/2018 05:57

You should be grateful you’ve got a mother who will actually help you out. You sound selfish and spoilt to me. High maintenance! So she lied to you. Don’t blame her. I’d lie to you too. You’ve probably pulled this type of shit on her loads before and (judging by this thread) very difficult and unreasonable. People like you get lied to because you haven’t earnt the respect of other people. If you act like an arsehole all the time, especially when people are doing you favours, then you’ll be treated like an arsehole back. You might want to think about getting some professional help to re-evaluate your difficult personality.

Ignoranceandapathy · 01/01/2018 06:40

Do people still use modems?

There is no wifi where I live. I have to have a landline and an ADSL modem - works just fine, and apparently is at least as fast as wifi.

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