Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my mum lied

199 replies

restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 12:56

Back story is my parents had to look after our children for 2 days this Christmas, I did not ask them to as I would not do that and we had childcare sorted out. But DB and DSIL asked if our childcarer could have their 2 as they were stuck - my childcarer said no - so my parents offered to stay on and look after all 4 kids at my house. All kids under 8.

I asked my mother if she could refrain from going on the internet during the daytime. She will happily sit there with a coffee reading newspapers online and doing emails and quizzes for ages, and I feel uncomfortable with that whilst there are 4 kids in the house and my dad is ill.

At this point I'm fully prepared for someone to say I was BU to ask her this. Maybe I was. But I came home and found the computer and modem on, the mousemat moved to the left (she's left handed) and all the history for that day and the day before deleted.

I did not want a row, but just casually mentioned that she'd deleted all the history so was she on the computer. A complete, flat no. Denied it totally.

This is what hurts. If she had said "rest, you were BU and I went on internet to do...." that's one thing. But to completely lie isn't on I don't think.

She has form in not owing up to things unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence - eg the time she was opening my post and resealing it. She resealed one envelope with the address window blank then told me the letter was for me. Finally she admitted she'd opened it, and said it was because she was 'mad'. WTF

I wonder if this is why I can't trust people and have had interpersonal issues - someone so close lying like this.

W(ho)IBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:28

How, Oblomov17?

The only way would have been to tell DB no and I wouldn't do that.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 31/12/2017 13:28

If you feel that strongly about not letting her look after your dc you should have told your DB no-go and the situation wouldn't have arisen. Between letting him down and adding to your dislike/distrust of your M then surely the former would be the less damaging option.

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:29

Please read the thread froginapond. They weren't at her house.

I didn't and never would ask them to babysit.

Just read the thread.

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 31/12/2017 13:29

Look, you could have left your kids with the childcare you'd already sorted. But you wanted to help your DB which meant that your parents would have to provide the childcare. All of this could have been resolved by leaving your kids with your childcare provider and your DB making alternative arrangements for his childcare needs.

Your choice.

I get that you have issues with your Mum, but if you feel so strongly about them not looking after your kids then it's perfectly simple - don't let them.

notangelinajolie · 31/12/2017 13:29

She lied which is wrong. But you should not be telling her what to do. Are you bossy at all? My eldest DD is ever so slightly scary sometimes and I may or may not have lied to avoid her from telling me off light hearted If you are happy for her to mind your kids then you should let her get on with it. If you don't like the way she does it then stick with the childminder.

Wilburissomepig · 31/12/2017 13:29

Nope, sorry. Couldn't your brother have sorted out other childcare then? Why was it up to you to sort your DB's childcare? An agency if it was an emergency?

CarysMa · 31/12/2017 13:29

I think your mum's mistake was not saying to you ''no, I will go on the internet and keep an eye on the kids too''. I'm not lining up to criticise you. But my Mum was quite controlling of me and I used to fall in to the trap of talking around the truth only in order to prevent her continuous persuasion. If things were out in the open I had two choices, capitulate or be the bad guy. I lied because she felt entitled to over rule me.

FrancisCrawford · 31/12/2017 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wilburissomepig · 31/12/2017 13:30

The only way would have been to tell DB no and I wouldn't do that.

Why not? Why put your brother before your kids?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 31/12/2017 13:30

And saying that you "couldn't" say no to your DB - you can, quite easily. It's not difficult to say "I'm sorry I have asked our nanny and she won't take that number of kids on - you'll need to make alternative arrangements"

And if you felt so strongly about your parents NOT looking after your kids, then you should.

Arseface · 31/12/2017 13:32

I don’t trust my mother to look after my young children so I don’t leave them with her.

Sounds like you need to do the same I’m afraid.

wherethevioletsgrow · 31/12/2017 13:32

When you say she ignores them, what do you mean? You do realise that babysitting doesn't necessarily involve playing with the kids- it just means keeping an eye on them, making sure they are okay and not injuring themselves etc. They can be left to play by themselves surely.

Ruffian · 31/12/2017 13:32

I did not want a row, but just casually mentioned that she'd deleted all the history so was she on the computer

You can't really 'casually' mention that can you? You had her bang to rights and wanted to confront her which you knew from previous experience she wouldn't react well to.

rothbury · 31/12/2017 13:32

I can't understand why you allowed this situation to happen. You should have just said that your DC would have their usual childminder and then DB could have had your mother looking after his DC at his house or her house surely?

Why did they all have to be at your house? Confused

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:32

I didn't feel so strongly about my parents it that I'd let my brother down. My parents aren't that bad and I love them.

But I would never choose them to look after my children.

Possibly I was BU to ask her not to use the internet, and I accept that.

Just sad that she still lies to me.

OP posts:
Jepthah · 31/12/2017 13:33

Another one who doesn’t get how it was ‘unavoidable’. Why couldn’t your Dm go and look after his kids at his house? Sorry if you’ve already answered this but I couldn’t find it anywhere.

TwitterQueen1 · 31/12/2017 13:33

You don't want her going on the WWW, or doing quizzes or emails or reading the paper.
You checked her browsing history.

You sound horrendously controlling and intimidating. Why do you feel the need to dictate what your poor mother can and cannot do?

Presumably when you are looking after your own 2 children in your own house you never, ever do any of these things? I assume you just sit and watch them all day, every day?

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:34

rothbury, they don't have a childminder.

We had a temporary nanny to cover xmas hols.

My parents said they'd stay on when she/the agency refused to take the extra kids on.

All childcare was orignally planned in my own home. DB's home is minute and has no spare rooms for my parents to stay. Parent's home is 200 miles away.

OP posts:
Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:35

Jepthah - DB's small flat is some distance away without a spare room for my parents to sleep in.

I think that would have been more unkind of me to make them go there whilst I have a huge house.

OP posts:
theftbyfinding · 31/12/2017 13:35

You casually mentioned she'd deleted all her history? Come off it, there's nothing casual about that. How awful you snoop on your own mother. YABVU

HughGrantsHair · 31/12/2017 13:36

Why couldn't your parents have watched your brother's children at his house and then come back to yours to sleep? You didn't have to cancel your childcare.

FrancisCrawford · 31/12/2017 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namechangetempissue · 31/12/2017 13:37

I expect its quite sad for her that her daughter clearly doesn't trust her and treats her like a child.
You clearly think you are absolutely in the right so why ask? You haven't provided enough information to back up quite why they are such crap grandparents or why you don't trust them. Without that, you just come across as an ungrateful control freak.

Branleuse · 31/12/2017 13:38

i think you made a completely unreasonable request to her and she ended up lying to placate you. You sound controlling. She did you a favour providing free childcare and a couple of days of benign neglect isnt going to kill anyone, especially over xmas with new toys, cousins and xmas TV. You sound really controlling and over anxious.
You had no right to dictate this to your mum, therefore you are the unreasonable one

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:38

theftbyfinding - when I'd put the kids to bed I noticed that the mousemat had moved and modem was on. So yes, I checked the history, to be sure.

I didn't fly off the handle or go into spasms. But yes, I asked her about it gently. And she lied to my face.

OP posts: