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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my mum lied

199 replies

restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 12:56

Back story is my parents had to look after our children for 2 days this Christmas, I did not ask them to as I would not do that and we had childcare sorted out. But DB and DSIL asked if our childcarer could have their 2 as they were stuck - my childcarer said no - so my parents offered to stay on and look after all 4 kids at my house. All kids under 8.

I asked my mother if she could refrain from going on the internet during the daytime. She will happily sit there with a coffee reading newspapers online and doing emails and quizzes for ages, and I feel uncomfortable with that whilst there are 4 kids in the house and my dad is ill.

At this point I'm fully prepared for someone to say I was BU to ask her this. Maybe I was. But I came home and found the computer and modem on, the mousemat moved to the left (she's left handed) and all the history for that day and the day before deleted.

I did not want a row, but just casually mentioned that she'd deleted all the history so was she on the computer. A complete, flat no. Denied it totally.

This is what hurts. If she had said "rest, you were BU and I went on internet to do...." that's one thing. But to completely lie isn't on I don't think.

She has form in not owing up to things unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence - eg the time she was opening my post and resealing it. She resealed one envelope with the address window blank then told me the letter was for me. Finally she admitted she'd opened it, and said it was because she was 'mad'. WTF

I wonder if this is why I can't trust people and have had interpersonal issues - someone so close lying like this.

W(ho)IBU?

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 15:10

curry you are wrong.

She had to accept the childcare if she wanted to help her DB out. She was torn between letting her brother down and keeping her childcare arrangements. She chose to do her DB a favour.

MammaTJ · 31/12/2017 15:10

My DGD is not yet 2, so quite demanding. I manage to pop on to the internet when she is occupied. I check messages, play Brutal age, nothing too demanding of my time, nothing that means I can't keep an eye on my GD!

I would be furious if my DD tried to tell me I could not do that when looking after DGD! Especially as I know she does similar!

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 15:11

by asking her mother to mind all the children!

Seriously what are you talking about? Her mother minded her kids for 2 days, do you think OP never asked her to?

Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 15:13

Her mother couldn't mind her DB's kids at their house as it is too small. There was no where for the parents to stay for 2 nights. So the DB would have had no minder if the op hadn't changed her arrangements. She didn't want to. She did it for her DB.

What's difficult to understand? Should she have just let her DB down?

rothbury · 31/12/2017 15:17

But the childminder could have been there to look after OPs DC and the GPs to look after DBs children surely?

How is it OPs responsibility to sort out childcare for her DNs when her DB and DSIL hadn't even bothered?

It sounds to me like the DB and the OPs parents cooked this up between them somehow............

I would have stuck to my original arrangements and told DB he or SIL should have made arrangements if they both needed to be at work, and if they hadn't bothered then one of them would have to take time off.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 15:18

What's difficult to understand? Should she have just let her DB down?

What is so difficult to understand for you? She accomodated her brother BY ASKING HER MOTHER TO MIND ALL FOUR CHILDREN.

FFS people, its self explanatory.

Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 15:19

She might well do that next time - but she was trying to be kind.

rothbury · 31/12/2017 15:21

How was it kinder to have DM look after all four children than just DBs children? Confused

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 15:21

Not to her mother she wasn't.

but you do follow now why she wasn;t making sense? She asked her mother to mind all the children but asserts she did not and would not ask her to do so.

Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 15:25

Presumably her DB asked her mum.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 31/12/2017 15:26

I hope you had suitable alternative childcare in place whilst you posted your query on mumsnet!

For pity’s sake, your mum is an adult who raised you, reading a few headlines or doing a crossword is NOT putting your children in any danger.

If this is how you react, I don’t blame her for not being truthful with you.

LaContessaDiPlump · 31/12/2017 15:29

My mother used to lie about randomahot all the time op - usually stuff where she knew I'd be cross if I found out (opening mail, reading diaries, disturbing baby when asked not to etc). It is truly maddening.

I've put it down to 'Women of a certain age' behaviour, tbh; can't possibly say directly what she wants so will do it sneakily and deny it later (also see passive aggressiveness and expectation of daughterly mind-reading). She's dead now, and I emphatically do not miss that sort of shit.

At least you don't have to live with her with an Atmosphere. That's something Flowers

Ilovecamping · 31/12/2017 15:31

If it ever happens again whereby she offers to look after the children, put a password on Internet and Computer. When I look after my grandchildren I try to do as my DD would like but with a little spoiling.

user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 15:32

Lying isn't on. Especially as she made it obvious by deleting the history.

She should have been honest and said kids were fine doing xyz so I went on pc.

I don't like liars, especially when I've caught them red handed and they still lie. MIL is a classic for this sadly

rothbury · 31/12/2017 15:35

whinesalot The DB may have asked his mother to look after his children, but I don't think OP is claiming her brother rang her childminder and cancelled them from coming.

Or that he just assumed his children could spend this time at OPs house?

Commuterface · 31/12/2017 15:37

The children are under 8 not under 8 months! You are being totally controlling and utterly ridiculous. If I was your mother I would tell you where to go. She was doing you a favour and if you don’t trust her then you should have used your regular childcare.

Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 16:02

It's totally unworkable to have the childminder looking after her two and the mother looking after her DB's. The childminder said no and would never have agreed to the joint option. Who would?

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2017 16:37

I've put it down to 'Women of a certain age' behaviour, tbh;

Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 16:40

Missed that one nanny

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 16:41

Presumably her DB asked her mum

To mind HIS children. not to mind hers. Hmm

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 16:42

The childminder said no and would never have agreed to the joint option. Who would

The poor mother, who apparently wasn't asked or thanked and got nothing but abuse for her trouble.

Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 16:58

Curry are we reading the same op?

BrownTurkey · 31/12/2017 17:00

I wonder if you are sad because you are accepting how she is and letting go. After all, this has confirmed and validated your previous decision. But not being an ideal mum or grandma doesn't mean you don't love her, so that's a good thing. Try to focus on how to foster a good relationship. And remember some people lie so as not to disappoint, because they secretly fear they can't live up to what others want.

For me, your request was a little unreasonable. But I would have been the same with young DC, and you had more reason perhaps than most to be cautious and concerned.

BeautyQueenFromMars · 31/12/2017 17:02

CurryWorst, the OP stated We had a temporary nanny to cover xmas hols.

My parents said they'd stay on when she/the agency refused to take the extra kids on.

And then later she said My mum would have felt very hurt if I'd said I didn't want her to look after my children.

So it is quite clear that she did not ask her Mum to look after her children. It also doesn't state anywhere that no thanks were given, so that's a massive assumption on your part, for no reason whatsoever.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 17:04

Oh come on. The agency said no to the extra kids, so OP had to ask her mother.
What planet are you people on? Your mother looks after your kids for 2 full days and you keep bleating Oh I never asked her to, I would never ask her to. What, so you just looked at her until she "offered". thats soooo different!
Hmm