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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my mum lied

199 replies

restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 12:56

Back story is my parents had to look after our children for 2 days this Christmas, I did not ask them to as I would not do that and we had childcare sorted out. But DB and DSIL asked if our childcarer could have their 2 as they were stuck - my childcarer said no - so my parents offered to stay on and look after all 4 kids at my house. All kids under 8.

I asked my mother if she could refrain from going on the internet during the daytime. She will happily sit there with a coffee reading newspapers online and doing emails and quizzes for ages, and I feel uncomfortable with that whilst there are 4 kids in the house and my dad is ill.

At this point I'm fully prepared for someone to say I was BU to ask her this. Maybe I was. But I came home and found the computer and modem on, the mousemat moved to the left (she's left handed) and all the history for that day and the day before deleted.

I did not want a row, but just casually mentioned that she'd deleted all the history so was she on the computer. A complete, flat no. Denied it totally.

This is what hurts. If she had said "rest, you were BU and I went on internet to do...." that's one thing. But to completely lie isn't on I don't think.

She has form in not owing up to things unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence - eg the time she was opening my post and resealing it. She resealed one envelope with the address window blank then told me the letter was for me. Finally she admitted she'd opened it, and said it was because she was 'mad'. WTF

I wonder if this is why I can't trust people and have had interpersonal issues - someone so close lying like this.

W(ho)IBU?

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 31/12/2017 13:19

Ok. I sympathise with not wanting your parents to care for your kids. My parents are very difficult and had a few chances which they always messed up, I would never ask them again.

You still can’t dictate that she stays off the internet though. You did have a choice, you could have cancelled your plans, which is what I would have done.

Wilburissomepig · 31/12/2017 13:19

The backstory is that she ignores my kids. That's why I would not have asked her to care for them, but felt I had no choice as DB was in a hole.

You did have a choice. Your DB's issue was for him to sort out, why didn't your DM just look after his children and your original childcare could have stayed in place. I'm not sure why you would leave your children with anyone for two days knowing that they would be 'ignored'. That's odd.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 13:20

That’s difficult.

And whilst I understand that you’re not allows to dictate how she spends her day...

But the pretending to be ok with it and lying is the main issue imo. She should have told you that she didn’t agree with that and would use the computer.

Which would have given you the option to either have your DC be looked after by the childminder or accept that she’d still use the computer.

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:20

Where, RedForFilth?

She lives 200 miles away, DB and SIL live in a tiny flat in central London without a spare room for them to stay in and it was for 2 nights, I have lots of spare rooms.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 31/12/2017 13:21

I don't blame her at all for lying as probably wanted to avoid getting a lecture. You say that you would reacted in a 'fair enough ok' way but most likely this is what you say now because she's lied, you might not done so if she'd been honest, and even if indeed that's what you would have said, that's probably not what she expected.

Sometimes it's easier to lie to avoid a conflict, especially when you've done that person a favour and you don't agree with them anyway.

ssd · 31/12/2017 13:21

your poor mum

he dh is ill and her kids are taking the piss out of her

FrancisCrawford · 31/12/2017 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:22

I don't think there's a drip feed.

I don't want my parents to look after my children. It was honestly unavoidable.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 31/12/2017 13:23

I think you have a massive cheek. You're not her employer to be dictating how she spends her time in her own house. You sound like the Secret Police. Checking her computer website history. Shock

Minestheoneinthegreen · 31/12/2017 13:23

She'd probably been on gransnet, posting about ungrateful children. I suspect you've solved your own problem though, as I can't imagine she will be quick to help you out in future.

Schlimbesserung · 31/12/2017 13:23

I think it probably depends on how your mother is when she's online. Some people can multitask much more easily than others. I'm used to working online and keeping an eye on the kids at the same time, but it can still be very stressful and difficult to manage. When my mother is online she is totally absorbed and just doesn't hear anything going on around her.

At any rate, now you know to just send your kids to their usual childcare, and let your brother make his own arrangements if this situation comes up again.

RedForFilth · 31/12/2017 13:23

But you've on my just provided certain information so I think it's made up to get the thread to go your way. You absolutely had a choice. I wouldn't leave my kids with anyone I didn't trust so it's totally on you. Sounds like you agreed to it to have a stick to beat her with.

Wilburissomepig · 31/12/2017 13:24

I don't want my parents to look after my children. It was honestly unavoidable.

I don't understand. How was it 'unavoidable'? If you don't want your parents to look after your children, for whatever reason, then why did you?

LIZS · 31/12/2017 13:24

What happened the second day?

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:24

I could not use the childcare I orginally had planned. My temporary nanny refused to come when there were 4 children and not 2.

Honestly, I just had to go to work,.

OP posts:
violetbluesky · 31/12/2017 13:25

Wow

You sound like the type of person I avoid.

Why ask someone to do you a favour then proceed to tell them what they can and can't do?

LoniceraJaponica · 31/12/2017 13:25

"I would probably leave 4 kids to entertain each other to a certain extent rather than hovering over them -or let them watch a film."

Same here. Do they need an adult to fully interact with them without a break for 2 solid days? Even when DD was a toddler I left her watching children's TV while I painted her bedroom (so shoot me).

LazyDailyMailJournos · 31/12/2017 13:25

You WBVU to dictate what she could do.

You obviously have an issue with her not meeting the standards that you want - which is fine. But you can't complain when, as predicted, she doesn't do what you want and meet your standards!

You said that you didn't have a choice - but you did, you just didn't like one of the alternatives which was to leave your DB to it.

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:26

I didn't ask someone to do me a favour.

Yes, its kind, but no, I didn't WANT them to look after my DCs.

OP posts:
Wilburissomepig · 31/12/2017 13:26

So why didn't your mum just look after your DB's children?

You don't trust your mum, your don't want her to look after your kids. But you let her. I don't get it.

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:26

My DB?

He was at work too.

OP posts:
Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:27

Where, Wilburissomepig?

She lives 200 miles away, DB and SIL live in a tiny flat in central London without a spare room for them to stay in and it was for 2 nights, I have lots of spare rooms

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 31/12/2017 13:27

It was a bit unreasonable to ask her not to use the Internet at all, although I do understand why if it distracts her from looking after the kids.

Unreasonable of her to lie about it. But you already know she has form for this.

And very unreasonable of your DB to have put you in this situation. Don't pull him out of a hole next time.

Oblomov17 · 31/12/2017 13:27

"Honestly unavoidable"?
Hmm
No it was avoidable.

froginapond · 31/12/2017 13:27

WOW, YABU - massively!

How rude and obnoxious of you to dictate what your mother can and cannot do in her own house while she is looking after YOUR CHILDREN.

And then check up on her? FFS! Hmm

If I was your mother I would tell you to bore off the next time you wanted me to look after your children.

I bet you gave her fuck-all for doing it too!Hmm

If she 'ignores and neglects them' then why the hell do you let them go to her house?

'Coz we had no-one else and needed a babysitter' is bullshit. If she was that bad, you would not take them there and leave them!

My sympathies are with your mother, for having to tolerate you. Poor woman. Sad

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