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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my mum lied

199 replies

restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 12:56

Back story is my parents had to look after our children for 2 days this Christmas, I did not ask them to as I would not do that and we had childcare sorted out. But DB and DSIL asked if our childcarer could have their 2 as they were stuck - my childcarer said no - so my parents offered to stay on and look after all 4 kids at my house. All kids under 8.

I asked my mother if she could refrain from going on the internet during the daytime. She will happily sit there with a coffee reading newspapers online and doing emails and quizzes for ages, and I feel uncomfortable with that whilst there are 4 kids in the house and my dad is ill.

At this point I'm fully prepared for someone to say I was BU to ask her this. Maybe I was. But I came home and found the computer and modem on, the mousemat moved to the left (she's left handed) and all the history for that day and the day before deleted.

I did not want a row, but just casually mentioned that she'd deleted all the history so was she on the computer. A complete, flat no. Denied it totally.

This is what hurts. If she had said "rest, you were BU and I went on internet to do...." that's one thing. But to completely lie isn't on I don't think.

She has form in not owing up to things unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence - eg the time she was opening my post and resealing it. She resealed one envelope with the address window blank then told me the letter was for me. Finally she admitted she'd opened it, and said it was because she was 'mad'. WTF

I wonder if this is why I can't trust people and have had interpersonal issues - someone so close lying like this.

W(ho)IBU?

OP posts:
FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 13:49

My mum would have felt very hurt if I'd said I didn't want her to look after my children. I thought I'd try and make it work.

You didn’t say that. You told her to not go on the computer. Which she agreed to (?).

You were not being unreasonable to expect her to fulfill her promise...

An der seeing as there seems to be a whole lot of backstory, ignoring etc. Telling her to not go on the computer may have been much more reasonable than it seems to most of us (seeing as we don’t have your perspective, know what’s going on etc...)

Are your DC save if your DM is looking after them? In your opinion?

That and the lying / breaking her promise are the main issues imo...

Flamingale · 31/12/2017 13:50

I think you should call it a day OP with this thread.

You asked the question and have received the responses.

None of your justifications are changing the answer. You were unreasonable on so many levels as mentioned by others.

So in future don't do favours for someone that you know will have an outcome that you are majorly unhappy with.

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:50

I didn't ask her, theftbyfinding.

I have already said I would not ask her.

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:50

If you wanted to make it work you wouldn't have made such a fuss about her going on the internet.
You felt like you couldn't say no so you were looking for something to control and now you're pissed that you couldn't do that either.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 31/12/2017 13:51

Look, you can't have your cake and eat it.

You had a choice as to whether to let your parents look after your kids and you decided to let them. You did have a choice - just because one of the choices (saying no to your DB) was unpalatable doesn't mean that it wasn't an option available to you.

Why did you even bother to ask the question about computer use if it was A) apparent that she'd been online and B) has form for lying anyway?

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:51

I am going to call it a day on this thread because its impossible, people are all jsut asking the same questions.

I agree I was BU to ask her not to go on the internet.

Still feel sad.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
mikesh909 · 31/12/2017 13:52

I think you're getting a hard time OP. As usual, half the posters have ignored your actual question - about the lying - and commented on the issue of the internet usage which you have acknowledged from the start, may have been unreasonable.

You knew you were working and had arranged a temporary nanny. Your brother was also working - what arrangements had he made for childcare? By accepting your mother's offer to care for all 4 DC you were not, IMO, allowing her to do you a favour. Your preference was for your original plan. But you were willing to let that go in order not to leave your brother without childcare. Why was he in that situation to start with?

Lying is not ok, and YANBU to find this unacceptable from your mother. She does not need to admit to doing it though, you already know (presuming that no-one else could have deleted the search history) that she lied. If you have decided that it was perhaps not fair to ask her to stay off the computer, you could put this to her followed by an explanation of how the lying about her actions made you feel. You don't need for her to admit anything if you are sure of what happened.

kinkajoukid · 31/12/2017 13:52

I don't think YABU. Your mother sounds awful and sadly it seems likely that she would not respect your wishes whatever they were, and so YANBU to be sad about it, just try not to let it be a surprise anymore.

Equally people like this who lie and manipulate can push into some unhealthy reactions yourself so you end up looking like the weird one. I am sure you would not ask any normal person not to go on the internet as you would have trust in them and a mutual respect which does not exist with your mother. You owe yourself a better life than being twisted out of shape by her behaviour.

Some people re crap and always will be. You have my sympathy as I have been there myself. Best to cut contact with people like that if you can or only involve them if you can tolerate the worst of their behaviour without it harming you or your children. Flowers

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:53

Because you aren't making any sense. You keep saying you didnt aske your mum to baby sit and you never would, yet somehow you cancelled your childcare and your mother looked after your children all day, and you even gave her instructions on what she was allowed to do.
All without asking her to babysit?

That makes no sense of any kind.

rothbury · 31/12/2017 13:53

So did DB and SIL both have to work? And neither of them had made any childcare arrangements? I don't believe them.

I would have said you couldn't change your childcare arrangements and DB or SIL would have to take a day off work to look after their own children Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Sounds like this whole situation was contrived......

theftbyfinding · 31/12/2017 13:53

Oh come on! You agreed to your dm watching four kids under 8 in your house. We get that you had no real need originally but you did need her when you aimed to please db so don't split hairs. I'm quite sure four cousins playing together in a big roomy house would have been a lot easier for dm than two bored siblings in a cramped flat and therefor she had plenty of time to mooch about online. She could even have been searching for things to entertain the kids. YABU,

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:54

Your mother sounds awful

She got lumbered with 4 kids under 8 along with her ill husband and lectured not to do a cross word by her daughter, and you think it s the mother that is awful?

Fuck me.

DistanceCall · 31/12/2017 13:56

You accepted your mother's offer to take care of your children, even if you didn't ask her. You could have done something else if you genuinely did't want her to take care of your children. You could have taken your children with you, or paid a childminder, or cancel altogether.

Asking someone not to go on the Internet while looking after children is completely unreasonable. And yes, your mother has her own issues, and that's why she lied (probably something to do with her own family history).

If you don't want to deal with your mother, don't leave your children with her again.

HolyShet · 31/12/2017 13:57

She lied because you were - and are being - unreasonable.

Lifechallenges · 31/12/2017 13:59

I think you are totally unreasonable and a bit obsessive. If I had 4 under 8s in the house I'd leave them to play and do jobs / read a paper and a million of them things as would everyone I know. Kids can play without an adult watching over them!!!
I assume she was also doing it for free.
If I was her I'd disown you for being ungrateful and controlling

ssd · 31/12/2017 14:00

I am going to call it a day on this thread because its impossible, people are all just asking the same questions

dont you mean I am going to call it a day on this thread because its impossible, people are all disagreeing with me

LagunaBubbles · 31/12/2017 14:02

There is no "probably" about being unreasonable - you can't tell another grown adult what to do. And you still havent said what the problem with your Mum using the internet was.

kinkajoukid · 31/12/2017 14:05

The mother lies about opening her daughter's post - what reasonable person does that?!!!

I would find it really hard to trust someone who did that and especially if they didn't even apologise. If that was a neighbour or colleague people would be up in arms - why is it less bad if it is her mother? I think it is actually far worse!

I think the OP was kind to help out her brother but the price was having to come up against her mother's lack of respect for her. That hurts. And being free childcare does not give anyone the right to behave as badly as they like.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 14:06

restofthetimes

I’d feel sad as well. It sounds like you were put in a position where you couldn’t say no (maybe deliberately? Depends on your family), made a request (which might have been unreasonable but she agreed!) and later lied to.

I’d be very hurt, tbh...

DistanceCall · 31/12/2017 14:08

The mother lies on a regular basis. The daughter chose to leave her children with her mother, place unreasonable conditions on her, and then questioned her. What on earth did the daughter expect?

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 14:09

That hurts. And being free childcare does not give anyone the right to behave as badly as they like.

Absolutely. Child care actually requires and additional amount of respect imo.

My father still smoked when I had DD1. I told him to wear an overcoat when going outside to s ole and wash his face and hands before Holding here.

Do I have the right to tell an adult what to do? No.But I do have the right to expect a certain amount of respect for what DH and I want when these adults are in contact with our DDs...

Huskylover1 · 31/12/2017 14:10

I have no idea why your DM didn't just look after your brothers kids, and you kept your child minder employed for your own?????

burnoutbabe · 31/12/2017 14:10

I'd have just turned the modem off. Avoided the issue.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 14:10

*and to also wash his face and hands before holding her.

jacks11 · 31/12/2017 14:11

You were both being unreasonable.

Your DM was being unreasonable to lie. You were being unreasonable to tell her she couldn't use the internet whilst caring for your children. If you feel she was not capable of looking after them appropriately, then you simply don't leave them with her. You don't dictate what she does with every second of her day whilst caring for your GC.

Your DM should have said she wasn't happy to be told what to do when looking after the children, rather than lied. However, she probably thought it was the easiest thing to do.

However, it sounds like you have deeper problems in your relationship with your DM and her over-stepping the mark in terms of your privacy/lack of truthfulness. I think you've picked the wrong battle.

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