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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my mum lied

199 replies

restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 12:56

Back story is my parents had to look after our children for 2 days this Christmas, I did not ask them to as I would not do that and we had childcare sorted out. But DB and DSIL asked if our childcarer could have their 2 as they were stuck - my childcarer said no - so my parents offered to stay on and look after all 4 kids at my house. All kids under 8.

I asked my mother if she could refrain from going on the internet during the daytime. She will happily sit there with a coffee reading newspapers online and doing emails and quizzes for ages, and I feel uncomfortable with that whilst there are 4 kids in the house and my dad is ill.

At this point I'm fully prepared for someone to say I was BU to ask her this. Maybe I was. But I came home and found the computer and modem on, the mousemat moved to the left (she's left handed) and all the history for that day and the day before deleted.

I did not want a row, but just casually mentioned that she'd deleted all the history so was she on the computer. A complete, flat no. Denied it totally.

This is what hurts. If she had said "rest, you were BU and I went on internet to do...." that's one thing. But to completely lie isn't on I don't think.

She has form in not owing up to things unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence - eg the time she was opening my post and resealing it. She resealed one envelope with the address window blank then told me the letter was for me. Finally she admitted she'd opened it, and said it was because she was 'mad'. WTF

I wonder if this is why I can't trust people and have had interpersonal issues - someone so close lying like this.

W(ho)IBU?

OP posts:
wherethevioletsgrow · 31/12/2017 13:38

All childcare was orignally planned in my own home. DB's home is minute and has no spare rooms for my parents to stay

Surely it can't be that minute if his children live there with him and his wife/partner? Surely your mum could have looked after them without actually staying over there as well?

wherethevioletsgrow · 31/12/2017 13:39

I think that would have been more unkind of me to make them go there whilst I have a huge house

Yes, you have mentioned several times how palatial your house is, OP.

theftbyfinding · 31/12/2017 13:39

Also, if your DB has room for two of his own kids, why can't the kids share with db or sofa at db's house? If their flat is big enough to have two adults and two kids, I'm quite sure it's fine to cram in another two for a couple of nights. It's not your problem and you were not being kind to help db by putting restrictions on your dm. Very controlling indeed.

SashaSashays · 31/12/2017 13:40

But if it’s 2 days surely at some points the children are asleep/watching a film/ talking to your dad.

You were being unreasonable in the first place and then I think secondly unreasonable to confront her about it. Everything was fine, children were safe and had survived why then cause an issue. Learn to pick your battles.

Snowman41 · 31/12/2017 13:40

You are sad that your mum lied.

Have you considered how she must have felt being told she is not allowed to use the internet? She isn't 10 years old fgs.

theftbyfinding · 31/12/2017 13:41

I'd lie to your face too, if you were my daughter. Then I'd bitch about you behind your back. Alternatively, I'd have told you to shove your rules and make your own arrangements for babysitters.

Maelstrop · 31/12/2017 13:42

The lying is the main issue, I suppose, but telling her she couldn’t go on the Internet all day is outrageous!

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 31/12/2017 13:42

Why couldn’t your Mother go to his house during the day to look after his children then just come back when they were back from work?

KeepingMySpreadsheetUpToDate · 31/12/2017 13:42

why did she not go to your brothers house and you could have kept your original sitter?

i'm with you OP - YANBU

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:42

I think it would have been far more U to say no DB, we can't help you because I don't want my parents looking after my kids.

DB lives 35 miles away, that would have been U to ask my parents to drive there and back twice - they are in their 70s.

My mum would have felt very hurt if I'd said I didn't want her to look after my children. I thought I'd try and make it work.

Again, I probably was BU to ask her not to go on the internet.

I'm not going to provide a backstory to say why I don't want them looking after my kids. It WAS pretty much unavoidable without creating far more upset and bad feeling for someone.

OP posts:
theftbyfinding · 31/12/2017 13:43

I think you have interpersonal issues, not convinced they relate to your mother though. More like your need to control people.

Regularsizedrudy · 31/12/2017 13:43

Do what exactly is the problem with her using the internet in her own house?

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 13:44

Tbh, i think you can either accept the she’ll be in the internet or - as you say - ignore your DC or not let her babysit.

Why couldn’t the childminder come to your house and hour DM babysit DB’s children as this house?

But YANBU. She shouldn’t have lied and she should have told you that she’d go in the computer...

froginapond · 31/12/2017 13:44

So she was at your house?

I still stand by EVERYthing I said.

YABU, and bloody cheeky.

And I feel sorry for your mother.

If she is that bad, don't let her look after your kids again! Hmm

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:44

her own house? Nothing.

Can people please read the thread.

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:44

I don't want my parents to look after my children. It was honestly unavoidable

It was not. No, DB you cannot have our parents mind your kids at my house. See, easily avoided.

YWBVU to tell her what to do for an entire day while she looked after 4 children. If you don't trust her to look after your children, don't let her do so. And don't pretend there was nothing you could do about it either.

rothbury · 31/12/2017 13:45

This still isn't making sense to me, sorry.

Your parents were staying at your house over Christmas? And so were your brother and SIL and their DC?

You say DB childcare arrangements let him down - what arrangements were these and why were they at your house? If they were staying at yours, why did they need this childcare?

If they weren't staying at yours, but were just going to work, why did they arrange childcare at your house? What do they usually do?

Why would your parents have to stay overnight at brothers to do the childcare?

I am so confused!!!

GlitteryFluff · 31/12/2017 13:45

Yes I’m confused too.
I don’t understand.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:45

Oh and she lied to you because you were so unreasonable she had to.

Ruffian · 31/12/2017 13:46

You won't tell your DB that you don't want your parents to look after your kids? Why not, it's the truth isn't it?

ssd · 31/12/2017 13:48

I'm not going to provide a backstory to say why I don't want them looking after my kids

you dont need to provide a backstory, no one here is thinking your mum who is in her 70's, with an ill husband, should be looking after your kids more

theftbyfinding · 31/12/2017 13:48

Your dad is ill (sorry to hear that of course) so you were quite prepared to let a woman in her 70s cope with four dc under 8, even although you're not happy to ask her to watch your two at the best of times? You made that call, and whatever your mother did to cope with those two days is her call. You asked if YWBU and yes, you were. You don't get to police an adult, your own mother, who is doing a favour. Whether you needed that favour originally or not, you asked her to do it to be the kind one to db.

MrsDilber · 31/12/2017 13:48

Yabu and really controlling to tell her what do do. You treated her like a child. Maybe she lied because you'd tell her off like a 6 year old?

princesssparkle1 · 31/12/2017 13:48

This time she lied because you were so controlling and placed her in an unreasonable situation when she was doing you a favour.

Opening your post? Wtf?

Original poster
restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 13:49

You are right CurryWorst - I could have upset her AND DB by saying no. But I thought I'd try and make it work. They are not monsters, otherwise I would not be seeing them anyway.

My parents were staying at mine over Christmas. DB and SIL were at their house.

DB did not have any childcare sorted out. I do not know why.

My parents would need to stay somewhere, DB lives 35 miles away, parent are in 70s so I didn't want to make them drive to DB's, and back for two days running.

OP posts:
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