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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my mum lied

199 replies

restofthetimes · 31/12/2017 12:56

Back story is my parents had to look after our children for 2 days this Christmas, I did not ask them to as I would not do that and we had childcare sorted out. But DB and DSIL asked if our childcarer could have their 2 as they were stuck - my childcarer said no - so my parents offered to stay on and look after all 4 kids at my house. All kids under 8.

I asked my mother if she could refrain from going on the internet during the daytime. She will happily sit there with a coffee reading newspapers online and doing emails and quizzes for ages, and I feel uncomfortable with that whilst there are 4 kids in the house and my dad is ill.

At this point I'm fully prepared for someone to say I was BU to ask her this. Maybe I was. But I came home and found the computer and modem on, the mousemat moved to the left (she's left handed) and all the history for that day and the day before deleted.

I did not want a row, but just casually mentioned that she'd deleted all the history so was she on the computer. A complete, flat no. Denied it totally.

This is what hurts. If she had said "rest, you were BU and I went on internet to do...." that's one thing. But to completely lie isn't on I don't think.

She has form in not owing up to things unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence - eg the time she was opening my post and resealing it. She resealed one envelope with the address window blank then told me the letter was for me. Finally she admitted she'd opened it, and said it was because she was 'mad'. WTF

I wonder if this is why I can't trust people and have had interpersonal issues - someone so close lying like this.

W(ho)IBU?

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:12

And being free childcare does not give anyone the right to behave as badly as they like

She didn't throw a party for the entire street with cocaine on the kids dinner plates. She went online to do the sodding crossword. Get some bloody perspective.

Huskylover1 · 31/12/2017 14:12

My parents would need to stay somewhere, DB lives 35 miles away, parent are in 70s so I didn't want to make them drive to DB's, and back for two days running

They would stay at your brothers house. Most people in their 70's still drive and 35 miles is nothing

But, I can see you were doing what you thought was best.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2017 14:15

But I would never choose them to look after my children

But you did chose them, you had another option, you didn't take it. You chose them for your brothers sake.

Honestly you sound totally unreasonable. I can see why she lied. Dictating what she can do, checking internet history, causing an argument by asking her. Were the kids safe and well? Yes. Did anyone come to any harm. No. It was one day stop being such a drama queeen. And looking after four kids with a sick husband in someone eleses home when you know one of rhe parents is totally unreasonable is no easy feat. At least try to see some positive and give her some credit for stepping in. It's hardly like she had to.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/12/2017 14:15

If you knew she had been on the internet and saw that the history was deleted, why did you ask her? Was it to humiliate her like a small child because she broke your rule? Either she admitted she had done it (and you would have lectured her) or she denied it (and you knew she was lying).
Why put her in that position. It’s so disrespectful.

You DID have options.
option 1 - you stick with the plan and your brother sorts himself out
Option 2 - you take a day off work
Option 3 - your DH takes a day off work
Option 4 - you ask your parents to look after all the kids and set some rules
Option 5 - you ask your parents to look after all the kids and don’t set your special rules
Option 6 - you ring an emergency childminding service.

LIZS · 31/12/2017 14:16

So you did allow them to care for your dc on both days, despite suspicions?

diddl · 31/12/2017 14:16

How did your brother become stuck for childcare?

I do think that you should have stuck to your childcare & leave your brother to sort his out-be that asking your mum or whatever.

If she can't be asked to drive 35 miles, how can she be asked to look after 4 young kids?

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:17

Did anyone even say thank you to the poor woman?

Snowman41 · 31/12/2017 14:19

And being free childcare does not give anyone the right to behave as badly as they like.

I'm sorry, What?

People really need to calm fucking down. We are talking about a granny doing some internet browsing, I doubt she is streaming hardcore porn into the kids bedrooms Confused

meercat23 · 31/12/2017 14:21

I know this is not really the point but I would be quite put out if someone used my computer when I had specifically asked them not to even without the childcare issue.

Huskylover1 · 31/12/2017 14:21

Kids ages are relevant I think.

They are all under 8.

But ages 1, 3, 4 & 5.....can't see how you could watch them and be on line.

However, ages 6, 7, 8 & 8....if laptop is in the main living area and not in the turret of this castle you seem to live in then I'm sure she could be on-line and still watch the kids.

gamerchick · 31/12/2017 14:25

You set her up to fail, at least own that OP.

You should have said no to your brother and carried on as you always have. You did have other choices.

I’m assuming all the kids made it through this terrible time? It’s a one off, let it go.

Lizzie48 · 31/12/2017 14:26

If she was looking after the kids for 2 days, then presumably they would have slept?? So she could have been using the internet during those hours. Or were they watching TV at the time? Granny isn't obliged to sit through Frozen or Toy Story (both have been on this Christmas, I know that!). She could have been in the room on the internet during that time, which is what I do sometimes.

gamerchick · 31/12/2017 14:33

I am boggling a bit at the actual turning off the internet though. It doesn’t run out you know.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2017 14:40

Again, I probably was BU to ask her not to go on the internet.

Yes. You were also U to check up on her.

quizqueen · 31/12/2017 14:46

I look after my grandchildren a lot and, guess what, I take my laptop with me every time too. I play with them sometimes and sometimes I sit down with a cup of tea and go online and sometimes, if they have a nap, I have one too. Oh no, shoot me now. Strange but I'm still always in demand!!!!
a) Your brother's childcare issue is not your problem
b) If your mum hadn't been there for Christmas she wouldn't have been able to do any of the childcare so then what would you have done?
c) If you had all had flu you wouldn't have been able to go to work and so on.
d) Do you ever refrain from taking your eyes off your children to do other things?
e) All the parents could have all shared the childcare on a rota system and lost half a day's work each over the two days if you really couldn't trust your parents
f) So four parents left their children with someone they didn't trust, that's neglect, surely!
The lying and non trust is very sad between families but I would never let my daughters look at my browsing history.

mydietstartsmonday · 31/12/2017 14:49

You are being controlling, let it go.

ravenmum · 31/12/2017 14:50

I think she was being unreasonable to lie. As someone else said, she should have said immediately that she was going on the Internet. Then you could have chosen to accept it or take time off work.

I wonder why she didn't challenge you when you said that. Does she normally act like a naughty child with you, in response to your acting like a strict nanny?

bendywindy · 31/12/2017 14:53

jesus she's not shooting heroin Hmm who's got your kids whilst you write this?! i think mat leave would have killed me if i wasn't allowed to internet now and again. sometimes control freaks cause people to want to lie to them!

AtomHeart · 31/12/2017 14:58

She probably lied to avoid a row. I don't think it is a big deal. I think you are over reacting but maybe your family dynamics have led to your reaction to the situation.

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 15:01

Because you aren't making any sense. You keep saying you didnt aske your mum to baby sit and you never would, yet somehow you cancelled your childcare and your mother looked after your children all day, and you even gave her instructions on what she was allowed to do.
All without asking her to babysit?

That makes no sense of any kind.

CurryWorst it's really not difficult. OP had to forego her own nanny because nanny didn't want to take care of 4 kids, so DM took care of the kids.

OP didn't need DM for childcare, her brother did.

OP has acknowledged she was BU for telling DM not to go online.

I presume there is a backstory of neglect from DM/DF that OP is not willing to share.

Some adults do get completely glued to the internet, to the detriment of everything around them (a la Baby P mum).

FireCracker2 · 31/12/2017 15:02

why couldn't you stick with your original nanny coming to the house and at the same time, in your large many-roomed house, your dm look after your DB's kids.
Do you really suppose your temporary nanny never looks at her phone all day?

notacooldad · 31/12/2017 15:04

How old are the kids? Were they all okay?
The OP did say
No she didn't say how old they were. She just said they were all under 8.

ohtheholidays · 31/12/2017 15:06

I think you were put into an impossible situation and that you were really kind to sort it out so your DB's children could be looked after as well and so that your Mother and Father didn't have to drive miles backwards and forwards.

I'm sorry your Mum lied to you,I hope your able to sort things out with her.

Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 15:07

YANBU but that was the consequence of doing your DB a favour and you knew deep down that it wouldn't be great hence the not trusting her in general. Put it down to doing DB a favour.
Yes, your trust issues are down to being lied to by a person that you should be able to trust.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 15:07

CurryWorst it's really not difficult. OP had to forego her own nanny because nanny didn't want to take care of 4 kids, so DM took care of the kids

No, she did not HAVE to do any such thing. She cancelled her nanny because her brother wanted her mother to mind his kids in OPs house. No, unless she just cancelled the nanny and walked out the door hoping that mother would look after her two as well, she had to have asked her mother to do the childcare.

Yet she repeatedly says she did not and would not ask her mother for childcare.

You're confused if you think she is making sense.