In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

[WinterAx]

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

@WinterAx Great way to put this...

You are entitled to your opinions but you are not entitled to push your opinion on your daughter or to think that she will take heed / welcome your opinion.

Yabu. I was a bit younger when I had dd. I'm now close to mid 30's with a 14yr old and I'm really happy with my choice. Wouldn't do it differently at all. Whether you put your life on hold at 20,30,40, it's the same responsibility.

I also have the added advantage that career wise many women of similar age or experience are starting to look at time out. When dd is 18 and I start to really get stuck into my career, there'll be lots less competition because many will be looking at pt, or fitting in with childcare. Much easier for me personally than having a career break in my 30's/40's and then trying to pick up again.

It constantly surprises me that mothers of adults think their child is too young to be for various life events. She is an ADULT and has been since she was 18 years old. I'd you feel she is too young or immature doesn't that reflect on your parenting as much as anything else?

By the time she gets married next year, ttc, is pregnant for 9 months she is going to be 26 or 27ish!! How is that too young?

Too many parents mollycoddle their teenagers and don't give them to space to learn, make mistakes and transition normally into adulthood.

On a more basic level. Keep quiet, it has nothing to do with you, and if you have raised her to be confident, mature and know her own mind then why would you even question her judgement?

I was married at 18. I had 4 children with 3.5 years between no.1 and no.4, my youngest at 24 years old, first at 21 years old. (my 3rd son sadly died). It wouldn't have crossed anyone's mind that, at 21, I was too young!

Be careful. Your quote "When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet" is almost verbatim to something my Mum said to me just before I conceived DD.

While I said nothing to her, it pissed me off so completely that I put off telling her I was pregnant for quite a while. I've still not forgotten how her presumption raised my hackles.

I'm with you, OP. I think it's too young and I would be really sad for my daughter if she made this choice. However, I think you need to bite your tongue and say nothing, because it's their choice, not yours. Their lives, not yours. And sometimes, however well intentioned, our opinions won't be welcomed.

Yabu. I'm 22 and pregnant with my first (due any day now) and I'm so excited to be a younger mum and to have lots of time with my little one growing up!

Who says you can't travel the world with a family? This family have been doing it for years: worldtravelfamily.com/travel-with-children-family-world-travel-blog/

They're not alone.

WinterAx although I had my DD at 29, don't know where your vision of all this will stop for 15 years comes from. I still managed to work FT, keep fit and travelled the world with DCs in tow. My DD is 24 now, in a professional job in London and very ambitious, but does not want to be an 'old' mum (which I do snigger at a bit behind her back as I was much older with her DB). I do think that there is never a right/wrong time to have a baby. The fact that your DD and partner are in a strong, loving and supportive relationship is the most important.

Are you for real? I'm 24, married with two DC's, at university and still managing to get a career.
Yeah, I'm not going out binge drinking every weekend like some of my friends do, but I have a wonderful family. It can be hard sometimes, but it's hard no matter what age you.
Be supportive, you have absolutely no right to tell her you think she's too young! Bizzare!

YABU
The years since I had my children have been my best.

I was 29 when I first fell pregnant. 33 now and three pregnancies later and still no live DC. I wish to god I had been in a position to start earlier.

I completely understand your thoughts but it sounds like they are in a good place. I don't think you would have anything to worry about and might enjoy being a grandparent!

I had my first baby at 22 in the same situation as your DD I was married, owned my own home etc and felt that babies were the next step. I'm now 32 and have 2 DC youngest is 6yo.
My SIL OTOH waited till 36 before having her first, she is now facing raising her babies well into her 50s
Whereas by the time my youngest is 18 I'll only be 44 so still young enough to travel, have nights out etc and at that age hopefully will be better placed financially to enjoy those things than I would have been in my early 20s.
For those reasons I am so glad I had my children when I did.
Your DD will do what is right for her and her family/circumstances your job is to be there to support the tough times and celebrate the good.

I'm 27 and just had my first baby. A woman commented to me on the bus that I'm a young mum. Really pissed me off. Mins your own business.

I had completed my family in my twenties. Now I have freedom and am still young enough to enjoy it. I am also far better off financially than I was in my twenties, so we have even more fun now!

I don’t think that’s too young imo, I had my little boy at 21

You can’t help the way you feel, even though it’s clearly a bit unreasonable.

However for what it’s worth I was 27 when I had DC1 and although I love him (and DS2) to bits I wish I’d waited a few more years. My mum warned me that DC would consume my life but I didn’t listen! Really feeling it with the Christmas holiday - pre dc christmases were full of quiet relaxing time together reading books, lunches out, planning holidays etc. Now, with a 5&2 year old in tow it’s just an endless stream of household drudgery, cooking food they won’t eat, breaking up fights and being clambered on! Still. I wouldn’t change them, I just wished I’d appreciated the child free existence more as I can now only see a life of worry ahead!

I have never posted but felt I def needed to comment here!

Its nice you feel as her mother you want a view and want to give her advice, however I feel as a daughter and mother of daughter just now, you should (if you are happy with your parenting), feel that you have taught her the skills to decide and be able to make her own decisions. I had my daughter at 25 and the minute I had her I knew at that age it was what I was meant to do. I also feel
I have the time to give my child just now time with us to focus on her and then time for any other children as well. I had been given the freedom to make my own decisions from the age of 18 and was confident of the decisions I made and reasoning behind the decisions. I partied and lived my amazingly. My mother was always there for me and supportive but also appreciated my thoughts and decisions I made. This shaped me into the independant adult I am today and I hope I can be the same to my daughter. Knowing my mum listens to me completely and gives me advice knowing ultimately I will then decide myself allows me to speak and ask her advice freely without pressure!!! I know I’m def going to do the same with my children in future. Hope this helps x

It is completely their buisness. But I really enjoyed the first couple of years of my marriage. They were great times. Madly in love, disposable income, little responsibility, the freedom to have lots of weekends away. It was a truly magic time. Things totally change once you have kids, far less freedom, lots more responsibilities, lots more work and new challenges/pressure on your relationship. I tgink it is a shame if they miss out on the fun and magic of just enjoying the freedom of a new couple first.

A new couple? They have been together 4 years!

It's none of your business.
I was 21 when I met my dh, who is 9 years older than me. We first met in April 2014, got together 9th May 2014, and started ttc in June 2014. Conceived in November 2014, got engaged in January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015, 9 days after my 22nd birthday, and I was 4 and a half months pregnant at the time. Our DC was born in September 2015.
People may say it was all very quick, as we were actually married within a year of first meeting, and ttc very quick after meeting. But it was right for us and we couldn't be happier.

We were 28 (me) and 25 (ex) at the time of our first. Married over 2 yrs at that point.

I had my DS at 16, much younger than your DD, when she starts ttc.

She’s 24, married to a good partner (I hope). So YABU to think she shouldn’t start ttc. She’s an adult but I understand your concerns.

I do disagree with certain points made on this forum.

In Utopia land, a nice man and a nice woman, in their early 20’s, get married, have their own house, have all the kids they want and live happily ever after. To the posters who mentioned “at least she will have all her kids out of the way”... what happens if later down the line, OP’s DD and the husband gets divorce (say around when DD is in her late mid 20’s) with a three year old in tow. A couple of years later, her daughter meets a new person, and decides to have a family with him and she’s coming up to her mid 30’s. So the “at least she has having kids out of the way” doesn’t cut it anymore.

Also to the posters mentioning that “they didn’t get a degree and are very happy”. You are very lucky that you are married to a supportive husband. But what happens if the relationship breaks down and your stuck in rut and your now facing the reality of being a single mum to three kids ? No, you don’t need a degree to have a successful career but make sure you have a backup, not rely solely on your husbands income, still make a career for yourself.

Saying all of this, this shouldn’t be a reason why your DD shouldn’t ttc I’m her early twenties. But it’s good to be aware of any mishaps.

Be careful what you wish for. At my wedding (aged 24) my Mother told me that she was too young to be a grandmother. It was 14 years of miscarriages, fertility treatments and then adoption before I became a mother, and now she old enough that she finds them tiring and I think she regrets not being a young grandmother.

I spent my mid/late twenties going on holidays (or "travelling", as people like to say), working hard, and drinking, but secretly wishing I were settled. Luckily it happened for me in my early thirties.

I'm not sure I like the right-on trend for disparaging anyone who wants to marry/cohabit and have children at 24ish.

I'm from the age group of people who blithely left it until 35+ and found often that nature had other ideas. Some of my friends' experiences have been painful.

YANBU OP, You are concerned for your DD

People saying that she is an adult are stupid - like you don't know that!!! (You are not going to tell her to do/not do anything you have just expressed concern). I am concerned for my mum/friend/cousin etc - all adults

Then a trail of "Well I had my baby at XXX years and....) Unhelpful.
Worse "You are controlling/unsupportive/ can't expect to be involved" Ridiculous

Your DD is lucky that you care and love her so much. I am sure you will all continue to be happy.
Tell her your concerns, talk it over, support her in her decision, listen to her views. All will be well