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AIBU?

In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

331 replies

WinterAx · 30/12/2017 22:31

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

OP posts:

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EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 30/12/2017 23:10

My wonderfully PA GM said, on hearing that I was pregnant, "I can't imagine Evil with a baby."

Enidthecat · 30/12/2017 23:12

Why is all that lost? Babysitters exist for a reason. Gyms have creches and babies are portable so meals holidays and seeing friends are still possible.

Her life will change but it would change in the same way whether she's 24 34 or 44!

Stillwishihadabs · 30/12/2017 23:15

I had ds (dc1) at 28 my dsis waited until 36, although at the time it was difficult giving up meals out etc I am now soo glad I did it in my mid twenties. The GPs had so much more energy in their lates 50's/early 60's than now in their late 60's/early 70's and as PP mentioned once the eve were at school (I was 32) I was young enough to really concentrate on my career, assuming more responsibility and therefore an increased salary (early 40's)as they went to secondary school .

Tippz · 30/12/2017 23:16

As has been said. It's none of your business.

PNGirl · 30/12/2017 23:18

I decided I wanted children a year ago at 32 after 7 years of marriage. Even if I conceived this very day I'd be 34.
We have bought a house and had some fantastic holidays but now, facing some signs that it might not happen, I wish I hadn't let people who had their own babies in their 20s put me off the exhaustion/expense of babies so I had much longer left.

Monoblock67 · 30/12/2017 23:20

I had my first at 24, not planned. And my life is utterly fulfilled. I have a wonderful husband, two amazing children and a thriving career which fits around the children and I can only move up in.
Don’t worry about her. Sounds as though she has her feet on the ground.

snowbellina · 30/12/2017 23:20

We had dd1 when we were 23. I had the absolute best time of my life with her - I made friends for life and totally loved having my babies. They're heading towards teen years now and I'm enjoying still being young.
I don't think you should interfere.

hibbledibble · 30/12/2017 23:21

Op, do you realise that your dd will be at the best age to ttc? Medically it is best to have children at age 20-25, and there are a lot of complications associated with advanced maternal age.

My friends are delaying ttc until they are in their mid 30s or later, and sadly this will mean that many will never be able to have children due to subfertility associated with advanced age.

Jaygee61 · 30/12/2017 23:22

Don’t be daft, you can do ALL of those things with children. Mid 20s is a perfectly normal time to have your first child.

You can’t do them on the spur of the moment anymore when you have children though, everything has to be planned. No more spontaneity.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 30/12/2017 23:23

I'm 26, have three children, I really don't feel I'm "wasting my life' raising them thanks very much. Not everyone wants to 'go out there and have fun' and 'travel the world' like so many people seem to thinks the bee all. Some people, like myself, would rather go through this stage in life, with young children, now. Then once I'm in my 40s/50s my kids will be grown and I'll have much more freedom. Quite enjoying things as they are for now though!

I also like that fact that I'll likely be able to help my children with theirs when they're older

YellowMakesMeSmile · 30/12/2017 23:24

I'd not want it for mine at that age either Roo. Very few people have a stable career at 24. It's just six years of free adulthood, I want mine to have more than that before they are responsible for a child. That's very little time to have lived a little, gained life experience and to ensure a solid relationship.

I'd wonder why the need to rush into it and why they didn't want more first.

DreamyMcDreamy · 30/12/2017 23:25

24 and married?! Absolutely nothing to do with you at all,of course YABU!

Viviennemary · 30/12/2017 23:25

Well at 24 I don't think you can really voice your disapproval. Especially as she has her own home and a stable relationship. In any case things can change. I thought you were going to say she was 18 in which case it would be different. IMHO.

Vicks30 · 30/12/2017 23:27

I was 19when I got pregnant with my boy, my bf was 23. I thought I was in no way ready, but it changes you. My mum thought the same as you but like she said to me, it’s your choice not mine. You have to make your own mistakes. The funny thing is she and my son are very very close and she wouldn’t change that for the world. If it’s meant to be it will happen.

Enidthecat · 30/12/2017 23:28

Very few people have a stable career at 24 utter bollocks.

I'd wonder why the need to rush into it and why they didn't want more first

Sorry what more should i have wanted? I've got a good relationship, own my own home, can drive ok I passed at 39 weeks pregnant have had and continue to have nice holidays, am financially stable....

What have i missed out on?

SilverySurfer · 30/12/2017 23:32

When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet

YABVU and how incredibly presumptuous of you. Your DD is an adult and it is entirely her choice, not yours.

feral · 30/12/2017 23:33

I had my only baby at 39 and now have another 13/14 years of having to go on holiday in school holidays which is my idea of hell, I like the quiet.

I totally wish I'd had my child at 24 and was free again now. Not that I'd be without him.

What's wrong with having a baby at 24?

Woolfrai · 30/12/2017 23:33

I got married at 24, my husband was 33. We started trying immediately. Years later, and we're still trying and struggling because we can never conceive naturally. We've had one failed round of IVF. My biggest regret is waiting until we were married to start trying. If we had started trying 6 months before our wedding we would have received an extra two rounds of IVF and wouldn't have been subject to NHS cuts. We have suffered since.

I am sure someone would have told me I would have been too young at twenty four but now I'm racing against time because my remaining fertility days are numbered and dwindling quickly.

It's their choice.

Woolfrai · 30/12/2017 23:36

It is absolutely none of your business and YABVU.

Wineasaurous · 30/12/2017 23:36

I have a degree and have travelled the world (worked on cruise ships doing world cruises so have literally visited loads of countries)- neither of those things made me happy. What made me happy was meeting DH and having my child. I wish I had of met him sooner and skipped pretending to enjoy doing the 'usual youthful activities'

JaneEyre70 · 30/12/2017 23:38

I find it heartbreaking that you can be disappointed in your DD for making that choice . She's going to be 25/26 before having children - not 16. I had 3 children by that age, and now have 3 grandchildren in my 40s who are truly magical. I have 2 of them here with us tonight, we've had a lovely day and reading their bedtime story with them almost made me weep tonight, I've deeply missed that time now my own are all grown up. You're not seeing what you will gain - seeing your own child become a mum and having grandchildren is a wonderful wonderful gift.

Idontdowindows · 30/12/2017 23:38

I get where you're coming from, even my own DIL seemed so young at 30 (!) when she said she was pregnant, but then I think back and my own mum was married and not even 20 yet when she had me, and by the time she was 40 I was out the door and she had the time and energy to enjoy other things of life :)

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Keepingupwiththejonesys · 30/12/2017 23:42

Wow, some of these comments. Since when was having a child that you desperately want and raising them been a 'waste of life' . Really sad that actually. Again, not everyones idea of fun is the same. Believe it or not some people really enjoy their kids and are happy to do it sooner rather than later. I know for me I didn't want to wait to long and be at risk of fertility issues

Thepinklady77 · 30/12/2017 23:42

I rarely comment on these threads but I feel the need to as it touches on something close to my heart! Our bodies are designed to have babies in our twenties ( actually from late teens). The later she leaves it her fertility will drop. I was not in the position to have a baby in my twenties as I had not met anyone. My DH and I are now in our forties and are parents through the joy of fostering and adoption because by my thirties my fertility dropped fast. Your daughter is in a long term stable relationship, they have had plenty of time to enjoy life together as a couple, they are financially stable. WHY not try for their family straight away! The sooner they try, the sooner they will know if there will be fertility issues and gives them more time to explore them. If they are blessed with children quickly, they can enjoy life with their children but also have plenty of time in their later life when the children have grown up to explore and enjoy life as a couple again!

Taylor22 · 30/12/2017 23:42

Get your business out of your daughters uterus.

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