In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

[WinterAx]

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

[Todayfrustratingday]

Having suffered infertility and now ending up childless against my wish/desire please let her choose to have children in her twenties if she wants that.

[heateallthebuns]

Op is long gone at this stage!

fwiw I had my first at 35. I'd have preferred to do it earlier. By the time I was 28 travelling, nice meals out etc seemed pointless. I wanted to do something that gave my life real meaning, which for me was having children. But I didn't get married till 31 and then had to have ivf.

Whatever suits each person and how they feel themselves is what is right for them. It's none of your business as it's not your life.

Although, so many of my friends have had to have ivf and / or have had multiple miscarriages in their mid to late 30s. Maybe they would have had a baby more easily if they'd started earlier in their 20s. I feel like my generation was advised to wait and concentrate on our careers and enjoying leisure activities then when we did get round to wanting babies it was really hard for us.

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

I think it's very much swings and roundabouts. I was 23 when I had my youngest child (so younger than your dd is now). In some ways yes I was too young - although mostly that's because I wasn't in the right relationship or financially great - so not issues your dd has. However, I developed some pretty major health problems, and now in my thirties I probably wouldn't be well enough to ttc or have the capacity to run around after a toddler. So I'm very very glad I had already had my kids, because otherwise I might not have had them at all.

[caringcarer]

Her choice to make. You say they have a home a stable relationship. You will love the baby when it arrives.

[Theresnonamesleft]

I must be living in a different world to the op. Cannot get past having no social live or anything for 15 years

Even without grandparents involvement there’s both parents parenting so each other can socialise with their mates, go gym etc. And paid childcare for them to go out together.

Just because you gave up 15 years of your own life doesn’t mean this is the norm

[DeleteOrDecay]

YABU. Do not 'advise' her on anything to do with starting a family unless she specifically asks for it. She is an adult and she probably won't appreciate being given such advice (and nor will her soon to be dh) and will see it as you trying to dictate what she does with her life and when. In short you will come out looking like a mother who doesn't want to let go and let her dc make their own adult decisions.

It sounds like she's in a perfectly good position to start a family. Leave her to it unless you want to cause a rift in your relationship with her.

I had my first at 21 and my life wasn't as together as your dd's is. It's worked out absolutely fine, we have a nice home my dp earns a good wage which in turn has allowed me to be a sahm. Your dd will be fine.

[MrsWhatToDo]

I agree with the majority here. She's not too young. They have everything in place and as a couple. Because that is what is important. They have to consider both their ages and what they want. How many kids they plan to have, with what age gap etc.
I was a similar age to your daughter. Age of grandparents factored in that choice. I wanted my children to know their grandparents. Their choice.

[3luckystars]

About a week after we got married, I was lining up at an ice cream parlour and got talking to a woman behind me who was holding her little daughters hand.
She was so happy and I was telling her I had just gotten married. (I had no intention of ever having children at that stage)
She told me that everyone had advised her to wait a few years when she got married before having children, to enjoy married life first.
So she did and said ‘I should have ignored them all, what was I thinking!! I absolutely love being a mother! She said ”the sooner you have them, the longer you have with them!’

Well she just blew me away with what she said. (It was a very long queue) but it really made me reconsider the way I had been thinking.

Her words had a big impact on my life, I went on to have children shortly afterwards and am delighted I did!!

[MaggieS41]

I understand what your saying and as a Mum you’re there to give her advice. I don’t see anything wrong with you advising her to enjoy a few years of married life with just the 2 of them - holidays, fun evenings etc. My husband and I wish we met earlier so we could have had those moments together but we met at the later stages of our lives. But if they’ve already done that in the 4 years of being together then maybe they’re just ready for the next phase. As a Mum I’d tell her how you feel but at the same time let her know that you’ll be there for her no matter what decision she makes. There’d be nothing worse than her waiting and possibly then having problems getting pregnant. Ultimately it’s their choice and they are adults but as a Mum she’ll always be your baby! You just have to know how is the best way to provide advice without sounding or being controlling.

[Hellsbells35]

YANBU! 24 is very young to be starting a family - and is the prime time to be able to travel and enjoy life as a young couple together. Having kids is so wonderful - but what is the rush!! You should ask her if she has considered the sacrifices she'll have to make and if they would prefer to enjoy married life together for a little bit first. I had kids at 33 and definitely love the fact I don't feel like I have missed out on anything. He husband may have been pushing a bit more as he is 33 so I am sure her mother's advice may help if she does have any reservations.

[MumToOne1707]

if baby is planned and she’s happy then it must be something they spoke about I have a DS who’s only 3 and half and I’m nearly 18 so I was a lot younger not planned but it happened and if I was to of planned a baby I’d of been 24-25 when I had my first but it didn’t work out that way been with DP for almost 5 years. Don’t put your opinion on her it might cause problems for you both

[DeadButDelicious]

You cannot take fertility for granted, it's not as simple as just wanting a baby and getting one when you want it.

Seconding this. It took us a very long time (11 years) and the devastating late loss of our first daughter to finally bring our DD home.

I know you are her mum but you have no place and no right to be telling her what to do about this decision. It's none of your business. She's in a relationship, getting married, has a good job and owns her own home. She's an adult. But out.

[strawberrisc]

15 years of their lives lost? What Century are you living in?

[Geordie1944]

You are being totally unreasonable - in thinking that your daughter's decisions are any of your business. Butt out.

[Masonmumny12]

Op I understand x but I do think you are worried for nothing. A lot of 24 year olds do not sound as stable as your ds.
I got married at 24 (had ds in the same year) I am now 25 and I am pregnant with dd. I feel extremely blessed, I knew what I was getting in to and I am an adult.

I know people have been telling you to stay out of it but it sounds like you have, but you jus have realistic opinions that are part in parcel of being a lovely supportive mother xx the best thing I got from my mum was love and support and that is all I need from time to time

Also my dh is 33 and the maturity helps x

[Backinten]

If she's taking contraceptives, it takes a good while to clean the system and get a regular cycle

I conceived 2 days after my implant was removed , had been in birth control for years. Certainly doesn’t take long for some.

[Jaygee61]

*
If she's taking contraceptives, it takes a good while to clean the system and get a regular cycle. *

It varies from individual, to individual, you cannot generalise like that. A friend of mine got pregnant almost immediately she stopped taking the pill. She was a bit shocked as she had thought it would take a while and she hadn’t actually wanted to get pregnant that soon.

[Ninabean17]

My first DD was born when I was 22. My 2nd at 27. No regrets here!

[streetlife70s]

She won’t be having a baby at 24 though, she will be at least 25 so late twenties early 30’s to have her second (if she chooses)
Nothing at all ‘too young’ about that.

Really don’t say anything. She won’t suddenly go ‘oh yes, I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll stop trying for now. Thanks for your input’

She will just be annoyed you said it.

[MindWhirl]

Yabu. They have good jobs a house and will be be married when ttc. 24 is hardly young to be thinking about starting a family. You are making an issue out of nothing.

[ColdFeetWarmHeart]

*9 years older, obviously

[ColdFeetWarmHeart]

Not read the full thread, but I am very similar to your daughter op, or was. Been with my DH since I was 21 and he was 30. When we were 25/34 he proposed and I fell pregnant with DD1. We married when we were 26/35 and DD was 8 months old () - DD was very much planned. Even though my DH is 9 months older than me it was me pushing to have baby sooner rather than later due to fertility issues. I didn't want to miss out on chance of having children at all. Also, I think having children in mid twenties was the right time for me. I just had DD2 at aged 30 and it was a lot harder.
I will be able to concentrate on what career I want in a few years time and will have 30 years uninterrupted before my retirement. DH and I will have time together before we retire. It works for us.

More importantly if my mother had try to tell me she thought it was a bad idea because she thought I was wasting my life, it would have created a wedge between us. I would not have appreciated her interfering to be honest, especially not when I was in a serious and stable relationship, and financially sound.

What exactly do you think she should be doing at her age that she needs to do before children come along?? My girls are my world - I can't think of anything more important than them, or anything that I want to do that being a mother prohibits.

[aspoonfulofyourownmedicine]

I had my son when I was 23. It's absolutely none of your business.

If my parents had interfered with my choice to have a baby, or had imposed their opinion on me, I'd have told them where to go.

[Jedimum1]

If she's taking contraceptives, it takes a good while to clean the system and get a regular cycle. It took me about 9 months just to go back to "normal", plus another 4 months to realise that my cycle was different to the standard 14-14 so my fertile days were different, plus another few months to actually be lucky. It certainly can take 2 years easily if you are on hormones

[Jedimum1]

I didn't read full thread.
I had my kids in the mid-30s, basically because I didn't find the right person before then. If I had the chance, I would have had them sooner. In my personal experience and my circumstances, it's very hard to progress on your career and have kids at this age, whereas if I had been in my 20s, there would be no expectation of the same career progression and I could have gone into my 30s with the kids in school and more time to put into work. I am also more tired more often, whilst in my 20s I had energy non-stop. I think if they can have them now, their kids will qualify for free childcare hours by the time they are 27 and will be in school by the time they are 30, which means they will have more expendable money to put towards a house, more time to invest in a career, etc. Plus the assumption that one can get pregnant whenever one desires is quite wrong. It took me ages and I was quite worried. Starting now, they have not only a good chance of getting pregnant because she is more fertile, but if there's any issue s/he's more likely to be treated and even offered NHS IVF treatment if they are young. Plus they might even be considering that from a grandparents point of view, if you are all young and mobile, you'll enjoy looking after the kids / playing with them.

For me, children bring great joy. My DH and I loved our time as single couple but also have mentioned many times how empty and repetitive life was without kids, and how having children has changed us and made us happier by valuing more small things in life. Think of it as something that will bring joy to your lives, not take away some assumed party time.they will still be able to have date nights and meals and all the rest, there are always ways to either involve the kids or get childcare.

I think you are seeing your DD still as your baby and that is why you are reluctant, but she's in the perfect age, in my opinion.