In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

[WinterAx]

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

[Babybeesmama]

I met my OH when I was 20 & he’s 9 years older, we had our first baby when I was 25 & had our 3rd in the summer (I’m 34 DH 43), we got married after baby no 1!

I wouldn’t change a thing! I love that DD hopefully won’t think I’m too old when she’s a teenager.

Sept 2018 is a long way off & they may change their minds but whatever it will be fine!

[CauliflowerBalti]

I had my boy when I was 30. I really wish I’d started sooner. He’d have a sibling, for one. I’d have more energy - I was obviously fine when I had him, but god I’m tired now. And he’s not 10. I have years of this exhaustion left... ;-)

Yabu. But it’s understandable. You’re worried. But trust her.

[Littlemissamy]

Yabu, and I think you know that. It would be wildly inappropriate to even voice your thoughts to your adult daughter. Who’s to say she’ll even have a successful pregnancy quickly anyway?? I’m oy 28 and have had 3 losses over the last 2 years. My mother made it clear she thought I was “too young” after my first loss, so I didn’t even tell her about my other 2. Don’t tell her your opinion, you might do irreversible damage to your relationship.

[Maireadplastic]

26, good income, older partner. Perfect.

[corythatwas]

Perfectly possible to travel with children: my family have done interrailing with toddlers in successive generations. The

[Jaygee61]

Relax - it takes the average couple 2 years to conceive after getting married as most ladies are so full of contraceptives.

I really don’t think that’s true. The official definition of infertility is if you’ve been trying for a year without success.

[Jedimum1]

I didn't read full thread.
I had my kids in the mid-30s, basically because I didn't find the right person before then. If I had the chance, I would have had them sooner. In my personal experience and my circumstances, it's very hard to progress on your career and have kids at this age, whereas if I had been in my 20s, there would be no expectation of the same career progression and I could have gone into my 30s with the kids in school and more time to put into work. I am also more tired more often, whilst in my 20s I had energy non-stop. I think if they can have them now, their kids will qualify for free childcare hours by the time they are 27 and will be in school by the time they are 30, which means they will have more expendable money to put towards a house, more time to invest in a career, etc. Plus the assumption that one can get pregnant whenever one desires is quite wrong. It took me ages and I was quite worried. Starting now, they have not only a good chance of getting pregnant because she is more fertile, but if there's any issue s/he's more likely to be treated and even offered NHS IVF treatment if they are young. Plus they might even be considering that from a grandparents point of view, if you are all young and mobile, you'll enjoy looking after the kids / playing with them.

For me, children bring great joy. My DH and I loved our time as single couple but also have mentioned many times how empty and repetitive life was without kids, and how having children has changed us and made us happier by valuing more small things in life. Think of it as something that will bring joy to your lives, not take away some assumed party time.they will still be able to have date nights and meals and all the rest, there are always ways to either involve the kids or get childcare.

I think you are seeing your DD still as your baby and that is why you are reluctant, but she's in the perfect age, in my opinion.

[Jedimum1]

If she's taking contraceptives, it takes a good while to clean the system and get a regular cycle. It took me about 9 months just to go back to "normal", plus another 4 months to realise that my cycle was different to the standard 14-14 so my fertile days were different, plus another few months to actually be lucky. It certainly can take 2 years easily if you are on hormones

[aspoonfulofyourownmedicine]

I had my son when I was 23. It's absolutely none of your business.

If my parents had interfered with my choice to have a baby, or had imposed their opinion on me, I'd have told them where to go.

[ColdFeetWarmHeart]

Not read the full thread, but I am very similar to your daughter op, or was. Been with my DH since I was 21 and he was 30. When we were 25/34 he proposed and I fell pregnant with DD1. We married when we were 26/35 and DD was 8 months old () - DD was very much planned. Even though my DH is 9 months older than me it was me pushing to have baby sooner rather than later due to fertility issues. I didn't want to miss out on chance of having children at all. Also, I think having children in mid twenties was the right time for me. I just had DD2 at aged 30 and it was a lot harder.
I will be able to concentrate on what career I want in a few years time and will have 30 years uninterrupted before my retirement. DH and I will have time together before we retire. It works for us.

More importantly if my mother had try to tell me she thought it was a bad idea because she thought I was wasting my life, it would have created a wedge between us. I would not have appreciated her interfering to be honest, especially not when I was in a serious and stable relationship, and financially sound.

What exactly do you think she should be doing at her age that she needs to do before children come along?? My girls are my world - I can't think of anything more important than them, or anything that I want to do that being a mother prohibits.

[ColdFeetWarmHeart]

*9 years older, obviously

[MindWhirl]

Yabu. They have good jobs a house and will be be married when ttc. 24 is hardly young to be thinking about starting a family. You are making an issue out of nothing.

[streetlife70s]

She won’t be having a baby at 24 though, she will be at least 25 so late twenties early 30’s to have her second (if she chooses)
Nothing at all ‘too young’ about that.

Really don’t say anything. She won’t suddenly go ‘oh yes, I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll stop trying for now. Thanks for your input’

She will just be annoyed you said it.

[Ninabean17]

My first DD was born when I was 22. My 2nd at 27. No regrets here!

[Jaygee61]

*
If she's taking contraceptives, it takes a good while to clean the system and get a regular cycle. *

It varies from individual, to individual, you cannot generalise like that. A friend of mine got pregnant almost immediately she stopped taking the pill. She was a bit shocked as she had thought it would take a while and she hadn’t actually wanted to get pregnant that soon.

[Backinten]

If she's taking contraceptives, it takes a good while to clean the system and get a regular cycle

I conceived 2 days after my implant was removed , had been in birth control for years. Certainly doesn’t take long for some.

[Masonmumny12]

Op I understand x but I do think you are worried for nothing. A lot of 24 year olds do not sound as stable as your ds.
I got married at 24 (had ds in the same year) I am now 25 and I am pregnant with dd. I feel extremely blessed, I knew what I was getting in to and I am an adult.

I know people have been telling you to stay out of it but it sounds like you have, but you jus have realistic opinions that are part in parcel of being a lovely supportive mother xx the best thing I got from my mum was love and support and that is all I need from time to time

Also my dh is 33 and the maturity helps x

[Geordie1944]

You are being totally unreasonable - in thinking that your daughter's decisions are any of your business. Butt out.

[strawberrisc]

15 years of their lives lost? What Century are you living in?

[DeadButDelicious]

You cannot take fertility for granted, it's not as simple as just wanting a baby and getting one when you want it.

Seconding this. It took us a very long time (11 years) and the devastating late loss of our first daughter to finally bring our DD home.

I know you are her mum but you have no place and no right to be telling her what to do about this decision. It's none of your business. She's in a relationship, getting married, has a good job and owns her own home. She's an adult. But out.

[MumToOne1707]

if baby is planned and she’s happy then it must be something they spoke about I have a DS who’s only 3 and half and I’m nearly 18 so I was a lot younger not planned but it happened and if I was to of planned a baby I’d of been 24-25 when I had my first but it didn’t work out that way been with DP for almost 5 years. Don’t put your opinion on her it might cause problems for you both

[Hellsbells35]

YANBU! 24 is very young to be starting a family - and is the prime time to be able to travel and enjoy life as a young couple together. Having kids is so wonderful - but what is the rush!! You should ask her if she has considered the sacrifices she'll have to make and if they would prefer to enjoy married life together for a little bit first. I had kids at 33 and definitely love the fact I don't feel like I have missed out on anything. He husband may have been pushing a bit more as he is 33 so I am sure her mother's advice may help if she does have any reservations.

[MaggieS41]

I understand what your saying and as a Mum you’re there to give her advice. I don’t see anything wrong with you advising her to enjoy a few years of married life with just the 2 of them - holidays, fun evenings etc. My husband and I wish we met earlier so we could have had those moments together but we met at the later stages of our lives. But if they’ve already done that in the 4 years of being together then maybe they’re just ready for the next phase. As a Mum I’d tell her how you feel but at the same time let her know that you’ll be there for her no matter what decision she makes. There’d be nothing worse than her waiting and possibly then having problems getting pregnant. Ultimately it’s their choice and they are adults but as a Mum she’ll always be your baby! You just have to know how is the best way to provide advice without sounding or being controlling.

[3luckystars]

About a week after we got married, I was lining up at an ice cream parlour and got talking to a woman behind me who was holding her little daughters hand.
She was so happy and I was telling her I had just gotten married. (I had no intention of ever having children at that stage)
She told me that everyone had advised her to wait a few years when she got married before having children, to enjoy married life first.
So she did and said ‘I should have ignored them all, what was I thinking!! I absolutely love being a mother! She said ”the sooner you have them, the longer you have with them!’

Well she just blew me away with what she said. (It was a very long queue) but it really made me reconsider the way I had been thinking.

Her words had a big impact on my life, I went on to have children shortly afterwards and am delighted I did!!

[MrsWhatToDo]

I agree with the majority here. She's not too young. They have everything in place and as a couple. Because that is what is important. They have to consider both their ages and what they want. How many kids they plan to have, with what age gap etc.
I was a similar age to your daughter. Age of grandparents factored in that choice. I wanted my children to know their grandparents. Their choice.