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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

331 replies

WinterAx · 30/12/2017 22:31

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2017 22:41

He must be her first serious partner given her age so realistically the chances of it lasting are slim

Really? Why’s that?

OP YABU. She sounds mature. Let her get on with it.

ReverseGiraffe · 30/12/2017 22:41

I'm a year older than your DD, have a five year old and I'm pregnant with DC2. Oh, and I completed my degree while raising DD and have a stable job and DP has a good income. If my family were "disappointed" because of my age, I'd be a bit Hmm
Maybe she wants a younger family? Nothing wrong with that.

Enidthecat · 30/12/2017 22:41

None of your business. I had my ds at 21. Planned. And (gasp!) Im not married!!

My mother must be so disappointed!

NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 30/12/2017 22:42

I met my DH at 21, got married when I was 28 and had DD1 just shy of my 30th birthday. DC2 and DC3 followed in quick succession. I am now nearly 40 and I really regret not having my children much earlier (due to failing health) but DH didn't want them for a long time so I had to wait until he was ready.

Glumglowworm · 30/12/2017 22:43

YABVVU

it’s her life to live not yours

Mid twenties, married, home owner, well paid job is pretty much the ideal time to TTC.

But sure, carry on trying to dictate her choices if you don’t want a good relationship ship with your DD and any future GC.

Shain · 30/12/2017 22:44

Absolutely none of your business, sorry. I'm 22 and pregnant with baby #1, my partner is 33. I've been desperate to be a mother for as long as I can remember. Not everybody wants the same things and I think it's extremely insensitive to refer to her wishes to TTC as a 'waste of her young life'. She's in a stable long term relationship, what on earth is wrong with them being excited to start a family? I'm sorry but if my mother had the nerve to approach that particular subject with me, I'd be livid.

RavingRoo · 30/12/2017 22:45

I get where you’re coming from. 24 as it currently is, is not the same as it was a decade or two ago. People are a lot more immature. But the best thing you can do is to support her and be there for her in case it all goes wrong.

MorrisZapp · 30/12/2017 22:46

I don't think you're being unreasonable. She isn't a random, she's your daughter. Of course you're going to have an opinion.

My sister had a child in her early twenties and we were all shocked. She's made a brilliant success of it and we all supported her but I never wanted her to make that choice so young.

wifeyhun · 30/12/2017 22:46

I think it's a perfect age, I had my first at 20. My DP is ten years older so we couldn't really hang around too much anyway.

reallyanotherone · 30/12/2017 22:46

Yep, none of your business.

I agree with bebe- i think either get it over and out the way in your early 20’s and get your life back before you’re 40, or leave it til early 30’s and get your living out the way first.

TicketyBoo83 · 30/12/2017 22:46

None of your business!

pastabest · 30/12/2017 22:46

Given a choice I would have had children in my mid 20s rather than my early 30s. My friends who did are in their 30s now and their children are nicely at school, their careers have been taking off again and will continue to do so.

I however, am seriously disrupting my career having already reached a senior position, it's going to be much harder to go back into that role after a few years out than it would at a more junior level when I was younger.

Amongst my friends the experience also seems to be that those who waited a few years after getting married found the adjustment to their lifestyle and relationship from having a baby much harder to come to terms with than those who had honeymoon babies.

Smurfy23 · 30/12/2017 22:46

So shes 24 now, will be 25-ish when she gets married and then wants to start trying so would be nearly 26 by the time the baby comes? Doesnt sound that young really ...

Nifflerbowtruckle · 30/12/2017 22:47

I'm 27 and lost my DH to cancer 3 weeks ago (31). I wish I had tried for a baby at 24 but we kept putting it off. She is getting married has a job and own home and is in a good position to raise a child plus they want to try after the wedding. I'd say good for her. We don't know what life will throw at us so why put off something they want when they are in a great position to have it because they aren't 'worldly experienced' enough.

RavingRoo · 30/12/2017 22:48

If I had a daughter, at 22-24 I’d want her to be a year out of uni or education or travelling, basically enjoying life. Would not want her knocked up with an older man who has done all of that already and basically stolen her youth and opportunities so she never even got the chance. Think you will feel the same about your child too @shain. It’s natural.

Haudyerwheesht · 30/12/2017 22:49

Really? I wonder if my parents had these qualms - if they did then they didn't mention them!

I was 23 when I got married, 24 when I got pregnant and 25 when I had ds. I've never once considered myself 'a young mum' . I was ready - I'd been to Uni, bought a house, done partying as much as I wanted etc etc. I'm 36 now with ds and dd (and dh!) we've been together 17 years and I only wish we'd had the kids a year or so earlier but work commitments meant that wasn't feasible.

YWBVU to mention anything to her.

(Dh is 4 years older than me)

NotEvenAMoose · 30/12/2017 22:49

Some people want kids young, some people don’t. I was 19 when I met my husband and he was 23. We were 22 and 26 when we had DD and I am now 27 and have 4dc. My mum is proud of me because although I had kids young I’ve got a nice house, a good job and I’m a decent person.

I think YABVVU to voice your opinion to your daughter, it’s her life now.

Enidthecat · 30/12/2017 22:50

roo wow you're very judgmental.

I've not had "my youth stolen"

Women do have these things called brains and we tend to use them and not just be blindly led into popping babies out by men!!

Have you ever though some women want children young?

Christ!

peachgreen · 30/12/2017 22:50

@Nifflerbowtruckle I'm so sorry for your loss. What an awful thing, I can't imagine. Sending you love. Thanks

PurpleDaisies · 30/12/2017 22:50

raving how do you know the op’s daughter isn’t enjoying her life now? She’s successfully in a well paid job and owns her own home. Not everyone has to go to university or travel to be happy.

Haudyerwheesht · 30/12/2017 22:50

@Nifflerbowtruckle I'm so so sorry for your loss

Itsnotmesothere · 30/12/2017 22:51

YABVU. If they are financially stable and they want a baby, it's a good time. She's 24, not a teenager. If she does conceive after marrying, wouldn't she be over 25 when she had the baby?
If she does, please hid your disappointment, it tends to spoil things.

Enidthecat · 30/12/2017 22:52

And for the record I couldn't think of anything worse than backpacking round the world. I enjoy my holidays with my dp and my child in nice clean hotels

Going to uni, getting shitfaced, travelling is not for everyone!

Littlechocola · 30/12/2017 22:53

Please don’t voice that opinion to her.
Maybe this is what is most important to them.

IJustDontKnowAnymore1 · 30/12/2017 22:54

Wtf you are massively unreasonable!
Mind your own business!
Ffs - Are children are now ruining lives!?

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